Welcome

Interesting and Informative Video about Alzheimer's

Bear :-) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:19:55 GMT

Hi All,

I came across this lecture given by Neuropsychologist Dr Janice Funk director of the Whittier Memory Clinic in Haverhill MA. She is giving a lecture at Boston University Social workers this past April. It is quite informative and interesting about Alzheimer's. I have to say I am a little bias because we took FIL to see her for his Diagnosis and she was fantastic with him and even though she discussed some of the things in the video with us, I learned a lot more. It does ring true about early treatment as FIL sister was Diagnosed with Alzheimer's but didn't take her Aricept regular and she has surpassed him in her memory decline ten fold and is getting nasty.

The lecture is three parts, Alzheimer's is the first part, the second part is the neurobiology of Love and then the last part is about depression. I only watched the first part, can't vouch about the second and third parts. Hope you all find it as informative as I have.

Bear :-)

http://www.bu.edu/phpbin/buniverse/videos/view/?id=343

pq, do you need to chat?

billie jo — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:56:52 GMT

pq, you are so upset. if you need to chat i will be going into the chat room. anyone else is welcome. this seems to be an devastating time for many. i will wait a bit. if you don' see me, hang tight. i am close by. hope to see you.

Brother's Response

pq — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:54:37 GMT

I have literally had to leave work, this has me so sick and upset. I replied to him, "You win. You can have your roast beef on Christmas Eve. We will not cook anything else. We will not clean anything." He replied, "Clueless...." the events he describes are from 4 years ago, the first Christmas after Dad had his stroke. And we have NEVER criticized her food, her stories, ANYTHING.

BTW, the bit about the dogs: we got a beagle puppy last spring and have brought him with us twice to visit my parents at Mom's request. We also tried to convince her to NOT kennel her dog (a crazy little schnauzer who's not socialized), but she insisted.

I now actively am dreading Christmas and don't even want to go. I can't take this.
==========================================

you DO NOT GET IT clearly....and I've tried to be as nice as possible with a delicate issue...now I am pissed....don't you DARE tell me "what families do"...what families do is NOT INSULT THEIR PARENTS!!!!
This IS NOT MY OPINION....this is from MOM DIRECTLY!!!!
I have NEVER seen her more defeated and hurt than when you two were cleaning her house....she simply sat in her chair and stared straight ahead....very depressed....and told us she wished you both would just go out and shop/be with friends .....and that you likely were "going to paint the house next"....then CALLED us when we were out shopping to tell us again how upset she was...
Your first Christmas with your new husband....spent cleaning her house!!!! And now, she has to know that you both (I'm sure) have told HIS family how unsanitary her home is...how humiliating!!!
And THEN, you freak out when Mom leave Dad on the toilet inadvertently.....implying her mind is going and that they have to get out of their house.......four Christmases later, and they are still OK.....It is a VERY GOOD THING I was asleep and we not told about this until we were safely out of town on the road to see Nana, or you would have seen fireworks from me!!
And I AM NOT SAYING DON'T LIFT A FINGER.....BUT YOU ARE NOT.....
REPEAT...NOT TO PRE-CLEAN HER KITCHEN....PERIOD.....UNLESS YOU DO IT EXTREMELY DISCREETLY...AND IF THAT DOES NOT MEET YOUR STANDARDS, DON'T COOK ANYTHING!!!!
Analogy: You invite SIL and I to your new house....and we declare WE are making most of the meals....and THEN proceed to scrub down your kitchen (very theatrically taking out all of the appliances, putting them on the floor)...would you be insulted? Then, we proceed to clean your bathrooms!!
WTF would you think about that?????
Mom has said directly she does not cook for you two because she feels you both do not like her cooking...but she does cook for us happily, because we praise her (sincerely). As far as she's concerned with you guys, her coffee is not good enough...her pork chops are not good enough.....her stories are not good enough..among other things......this is from her mouth, not mine...
Again, I know you mean well at the core...but a lot of this seem a bit ego-driven....putting on a show for all our benefits....
Final thought...Mom LOVES her dog.....and he is getting older......and while she certainly was pleased to see your new dog, twice is plenty.....ANDY SHOULD NOT BE PUT IN THE KENNEL AGAIN AT HIS AGE (he'll probably have to go for emergencies anyway), IT IS EXTREMELHY TRAUMATIC FOR HIM AND HE IS NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH.
We LOVE Andy too...and Mom has called him her "best friend" and he is the family dog...so for your next non-Christmas visit, how about coming just for the sake of seeing your parents and leave your dog behind.....
I am finished...and DO NOT want to keep going back and forth on this, so please skip the reply.....if you want to call later, please do....but PLEASE make your Roast Beef on Christmas Eve......Mom may have seemed enthusiastic....but she is not....

Dad is in the hospital

jeanine — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:59:44 GMT

Just to let you know briefly, Dad is in the hospital again. The UTI wasn't getting better, he had started hallucinating, and the Tetracyc had his diarrhea in quantum mode! After the third explosive poop event of the day, I called the doctor and literally demanded help. By the time anything happened, it was too late for an office visit and that put us in the ER until 1am, when he finally got in a room. Thankfully, they had enough sense to admit Dad and put him on IV antibiotics. His catheter and feeding tube need changing also because I feel they have been contaminated by the feces which was like water covering everything. They HAVE TO stop that mess!!
I'd say hurray that someone besides me is now changing Depends but I am too tired.
Jeanine

I responded to my brother (gulp)

pq — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:26:14 GMT

I almost opted for the "ignore" option, but decided that certain things need to be said. I fear the fallout, but at least I had my say. My response to his email is below. Some of it will be familiar from my earlier post on the topic.
================================

I know that Mom is not an invalid. She could not do what she does if she were. No one respects her or what she does more than I do.

But on a good day she works 18 hours as a full-time caregiver to Dad, which is a huge job in itself, all the while trying to keep up with the house and yard and dog and everything else. When Dad has one of his frequent bad bowel issues, she's pretty much working around the clock. She never has a day off.

This would be an enormous challenge to a younger and healthier person. Mom is 81 years old, with diabetes, depression, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, which put her at a high risk of stroke or heart attack. Her vision is very poor, and she is at great risk for falls. There's no way for her to EVER get caught up, to get the house clean and sanitary, and she hates that. Yet she won't allow outside help to come in because she thinks it is her duty to take care of everything herself as long as she is physically able to drag herself around.

The ONLY respite she gets is if one of us visits and helps. Does she protest? YES. But if you just go ahead and refuse to argue about it, she's ultimately relieved and grateful. A year or more ago, she and I had our last discussion about this subject, and I basically said that, if she wasn't going to let aides or cleaners come in to help, that she should just expect me to do things around the house when I come, and I wasn't going to argue about it. So I do, and she gets a little respite. She'll stillsometimes protest a little , but the job is usually done by the time she's done, and then we get to spend time together, which is what she most wants when any of us are there.

When I talked to Mom the other night, she was very enthusiastic about our bringing the sauce (which is already made and frozen from the last time we made a batch), as I've told her about it many times and she's said she'd like to try it ("I love meatballs!"). She will still be making all the Christmas dinner and I'm sure all kinds of cakes and cookies. Knowing her, she will also make a ham or something as well, but if she's tired or Dad's sick or any other of a number of unexpected events occur, she won't have to.

She has always critical of her own cooking, but she has got less confident about it recently. Her stovetop barely works, her oven is iffy, and she doesn't see so well, and that all affects her abilities in the kitchen. We always tell her we love her cooking (and we do). Does she sometime squirm when we're cooking in her house? Yes, because she finds it hard to sit by and watch other people work. But she's getting used to it and enjoys it, and is GETTING A MOMENT OF REST, which she desperately needs.

The house is dirty and in some cases unsanitary. Mom can't see well enough to clean very well any more. When she cooks, she often spills raw eggs and raw meat juices on other utensils or on clean dishes in the drying rack. That's unhealthy. That is why I clean up the kitchen as best I can and the bathroom that time. At least for a short time, I know they have a sanitary cooking area or a sanitary bathroom. She did ask me, and I agreed, that I won't clean the bathroom during the holidays, but I will clean the kitchen when we work in there for health reasons.

I am asking you to be supportive of me here. It doesn't help when you reinforce to her the idea that no one else should lift a finger in her house but her. You have a huge influence over Mom's feelings: If you were supportive, she would be much more comfortable with accepting help. But when you act uncomfortable with it, she becomes uncomfortable and feels she must do everything herself.

Helping is not taking over. And no matter how much I or you or BIL or SIL do, Mom will STILL run herself ragged with Christmas dinner, decorating, and presents. But this is a family holiday, and it's entirely appropriate for anyone in the family to contribute. That's what families do.

Thanks to All

Maureen — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:23:58 GMT

Thanks to all who suggested a RV to bring my Aunt and Uncle from Texas. But there was a big problem. With the time line I had to work with, I could not rent one for a one way trip with out it costing me an arm and leg.
So we opted for a large passanger van. We are driving over night and not stopping except for gas etc. And should only take 20 hours. We will make it.
We leave this Thursday to go down there and are heading back up here on Friday Morning. Will be home Saturday Morning. So I will let you all know how it goes.
Thanks Again
Maureen from Indiana

O/T: Tragedy at Ft Hood

sierraseven — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:37:29 GMT

I know we're all so busy, but let's take a moment to think of the families of the fallen Soldiers and the wounded.

sister-in-law fondles, strokes, kisses my vent-dependant husband

katourah — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:16:56 GMT

Please, I need advice. My husband has been vent-dependant for nearly six months. My sister-in-law came to visit him for a week and every time I went to the hospital (twice a day) she was in his room, stroking his arm, or caressing his shoulders, or kissing him on the forehead and cheek. Once, she knelt down and kissed his hand before leaving. I don't get it. How can she do this in front of me? We've been married more than three decades. She and my brother-in-law are in the process of divorcing. She finally left today to go home, saying to me, after putting both her hands on either side of his face and kissing him on the forehead: "Take good care of him." I replied, "I DO take good care of him." Should I say something to her? Keep my mouth shut? (My husband can't tolerate stress and if I said something to her - of course not in front of him - he probably could sense the stress between us). I admit I get jealous and angry with her sense of entitlement when it comes to intimacy with my husband. Please let me know if I'm over-reacting about this or if you, too, see her behavior as extreme. Thanks.

I have care giver burnout!

laura — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:52:48 GMT

mom and dad are almost 90. I work 50 hrs a week, and have to come home every day,{I live with them}.I cook dinner, wash the floor, again! my mom can't see to do anything and she has arthritis. Dad has artery problems and can hardly walk. I do ALL of the shopping,cleaning cooking, etc.....I am totally burned out. where can I get some help??

A poem I found at mom's Dr.s office. Good validation for what we do.

kolleen — Thur, 05 Nov 2009 22:49:16 GMT

HI Everyone,

I went with mom to her Blood Dr. a few weeks back, (anemia) and while I was waiting for her, I saw this poem on the wall. I have never used the term "it spoke to me", but in this case, it very much did.

Since my mitral valve replacement surgery nearly three years ago, that forced my retirement from a career that I VERY much loved, (Facial Specialist) I have been feeling a bit lost.......AND while I was in the hospital facing impending open heart surgery, my mom wrecked my car, so I was no only 'retired' but 'stuck' as well. Some self pity, but thankfully not too much. There were days, though, when I felt I survived the surgery just so I could set up mom's meds, change her hearing aid batteries, do her hair, listen to her repeat stuff.....really not too bad, but it was enough to depress me for a while. I know I don't have it NEARLY as bad as most, or at least some, of you, but I really was getting 'down' over it for a while.

Then I saw the poem. It was written by an "Unknown" steel worker.

Reasons for Life

I don't know how to say it, but somehow it seems to me
That maybe we are stationed where God wants us to be

That the little place I'm filling is the reason for my birth
and just to do the work I do, He sent me down to earth.

If God had wanted otherwise, I reckon He'd have made
me just a little different, of a worse or better grade.

And since God knows and understands all things of land and sea
I fancy that He placed me here, just where he wanted me.

Sometimes I get to thinking as my labors I review
that I should like a higher place, with greater things to do.

But I come to the conclusion, when the envying is stilled,
that the post to which God sent me, is the post He wanted filled.

So I plod along and struggle in the hope, when day is through,
that I'm really necessary to the things God wants to do.

And there isn't any service I can give, which I should scorn,
For it may be just the reason God allowed that I be born.

SO, when I get feeling frustrated, I remember this, and it helps.

I wanted to share, hoping it might help some of you feel a little less stressed.

Love,

~ k ~

Goblins got me!

Jane in MA — Thur, 05 Nov 2009 21:49:54 GMT

So now i know why our parents just fall down for no apparent reason.
It happened to me last night!
I decided to go out and check the mailbox at 8PM in the dark and pow!, a goblin put his toe out in front of me in the dark, and I went up into the air and did a spin and came down on my arm/hand and my head bounced on the pavement.

I am laying there thinking I am dead and wondering how long I would have to lie there in the cold dark until someone realized I was missing an went looking for me. Then I knewe I could bwe there for hours... or all night! So I got up and got myslef back in the house where at least two out of three family members noticed and helped me.

i also had a big chunk taken out of my hand and I was bleeding. My 13 year old said, "eEw! Could someone please move these bloody rags out of the bathroom. They are making me sick!"

My DH and I debated about going to ER but after my nausea settled down and we realized how painful ER can be (and we didn't want to leave the girls alone at night) we decided I was probably OK and I used ice packs. And my DH used a flashlight to see if my eyes responded. He likes to play doctor.

This AM I went to the doctor because I was worried I had broken my hand (I can't use it) but it turned out to be just a sprain and I guess my head is hard enough to have kept me from permanent damage. And I had to get cleaned and bandaged and a tetanus shot.

So when you wonder why our parents are always falling for no apparent reason. I know. IT'S GOBLINS!!!!! I saw one running away into the night, laughing!

Say A Prayer

Patty — Thur, 05 Nov 2009 20:39:39 GMT

Hey all,

well hubby got out of letting his mom stay this past weekend and she was mad!!! She called on Monday and wanted to know when he was coming to get her and he said Mom its monday we have to work all week!!! She thought it was friday!!! Anyway she was totally mad at him. He looked at me and smiled!!

Also we were talking this morning and she is suppose to come spend Thanksgiving with us! Which I hate the thought of this, but... anyway I told Bruce I said you know she is going to want to stay and he said "Ive gotten used to not having to put up with her and I dont want her back here!" He says he feels like he needs to let her come now and then just to show that he still loves her but said he knows that he cant put up with her more than a couple days at a time. She is doing his sister just like she did Bruce now and his sister says she will get an attitude and pout or go to bed when she dont let her have her way. Said shes started pooping all over her house now and they are all talking about putting her in a nursing home. Bruce still gets calls all the time and when she has an attitude he tells her he has things to do and gets off the phone with her. Also I just had a death in the family and we went by to see her after the funeral she never spoke to me. Just found out monday that all the stress Ive been under has made a mess of my stomach, I go for endoscope on this monday and they are already talking about surgery in a wk. Not something im looking forward to. Bruce told his mom about it and she just said well you are still coming to get me and let me stay at the house some anyway!! She asked him what was HE going to cook for Thanksgiving dinner!! She acts like Im not even there now. Which according to doctors if I have this surgery Im going to have to stay on a liquid diet for about 6 wks. They actually startted me on all liquid diet this past Tuesday. So looks like my holiday dinner will come thru a straw or feeding tube!!! Anyway Im trying not to stress cause the doctor told me Tuesday that its the stress that has caused my stomach to basically eat itself up along with my esophagus!! Bruce says she wont come back here to live, I told him one day is too long!! But I do understand its his mom and Im really trying hard to deal with the fact that both Thanksgiving and Christmas we will have her for 4 days!!! Im hating the thought of that. I will be spending my time in the bedroom those days!!! Take care and thanks for all the advice and input it really keeps me sane!! We asked his sister couldnt she keep her for at least one of the holidays, and his mom said absolutely not that she wasnt going to stay in that prison for the holidays. She asked Bruce what was HE going to cook and he said maybe you should ask Patty that since she will be the one cooking and she just looked away and didnt say anything. I know with me having surgery SHE is the last thing I will need around here but I will stay locked away with the tv and computer and let hubby take care of nasty MIL!!

Why

Splotchy — Thur, 05 Nov 2009 19:07:12 GMT

Earlier this week, I made the decision to not invite my very toxic mother to Thanksgiving.  Every year, I invite her and every year, she declines. She always decides to spend it with my oldest brother, and since I'm not into being rejected again this year, I decided to not even ask her.

Having said that, I know she will be disappointed that I did not ask. She will feel rejected and be hurt that she did not get the chance to say no to me.

Do I care? Yes. Why?   Because I am afraid of her.

Here's why:

My younger brother cut contact with my mother this summer. Since then she has done everything in her power to punish him.  She has left numerous threatening phones calls on all his phones. She had tried to have his kids taken away from him.  She has called everyone he knows (his in-laws, his friends, his kids' nannies, his boss, his kids' doctors, his kids' schools) to badmouth him.

When that didn't get her any attention, she decided to try a new tactic. She let him know this week that she is now planning to sue him for "grandparent rights". She claims she has retained a lawyer and is going to see him one way or another.

My brother is not worried about this. He lives several states away and has lots of resources to fight her. It really scares me, though. This is one of the reasons why I fear going no-contact. I don't think she would accept it.

Anyway, regarding Thanksgiving, I know it's best for my own sanity to not invite her, but I will likely get punished if I don't ask her.   If I go ahead and invite her, it's like I'm giving her persmission to abuse me again.

Is there a solution I'm missing?

H1N1 dangerous for the elderly?

Mary E. — Thur, 05 Nov 2009 15:53:20 GMT

I was wondering if any of you have direct experience with the H1N1 and the elderly. I know it's much more serious for children and young adults. Evidently those of us over a certain age have been exposed to it long ago and are protected? Although Jeanine got it - that's for sure..

But around here (southern NH) it seems to be in all the schools. My mother is going to stay with my neice who has three children of her own and three step children who come to visit. This will be over Thanksgiving week when the whole family (about 10 more children) will also be around her. I'm pretty sure that my mother WILL be exposed to it..The odds just point to it. Her health aide just told me that she heard the elderly with health problems are susceptible.. (But I don't know if that's true.)

I'm also concerned, because even if my mother doesn't get sick, my neice might be tending to kids at the house who come down with it - and won't have time or energy to take care of my mother..

Any direct experience or thoughts on this??

YE OLDE MONEY PIT

ESQ — Thur, 05 Nov 2009 15:43:25 GMT

Here it is the fifth of the month and November's budget for mother is blown. Just like the Federal Government, I am in deficit spending. Unlike the Feds, I can not print money and not go to Leavenworth. Her income does not match her expenses. I am in the position of liquidating principal or taking it out of my own pocket. If I liquidate assets, the tax situation will not be pretty especially after selling the family home.

This pit just gets deeper and deeper. The daily demands add up. Do I go the spend down route which still require 4 years of look back at this point or just keep treading water? the CPA tells me I stand to lose more if I liquidate assets since there is no way to qualify her in less then 4 years and the tax hit will be huge.

The mess she has created feels like I am stuck in quicksand since the lawsuit is still going on with no end in sight for years to come.

The only good news is I can claim her as a dependent if I keep paying myself. I feel like I have just adopted the world's most expensive toddler!!