Welcome

Checking in- hello and welcome

ttsd — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:26:58 GMT

I want to say hey to all the regulars and welcome to the newbees. I have been "recovering" since my mom's death in June and have a long way to go. Mom was in NH for 10 months before her death and dependent on me since my dad's death on 2005. Even though I wasn't her 24/7 physically, she was in my head all the time and I was always wishing I could do more for her.

I thought I would feel a greater sense of relief when she passed, but I felt emptiness and still do. Even though we were not the closest emotionally, she and my dad were always there for me and now they are just not. I feel like I have lost my history(a rich one). Additionally, my mom was the glue that held the sibs together and that is gone, as I am not signing up for that.

As I read all the holiday anticipatory posts and the newbee realization posts, and the news of loved ones passing (condolences) I am aware of how helpful everyone on this board has been to me.

I want to validate all the feelings of love and anger and resentment; as you all helped validate mine. You are all angels if you are on this board because you are contributing to someone's life. Maybe not always perfectly, but contributing all the same.

Regards and gratitude to all.

OT/ What's your limit?

OT — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:35:48 GMT

When it comes to listening to complaints or nagging from your parents, siblings, or anyone for that matter, what is your limit?

And if your threshold is low, what is your method of ending the rant(s)?

Amusing holiday article

Alinka — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:21:18 GMT

This is pretty short and sarcastic. For those of us who are ACON's and others with similar situations, the section about potatoes that begins with "Christmas......." will probably ring true.

Hope the graphics come with the link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/19/garden/19manners.html?pagewanted=1&%2339&%2359&_r=1&sq=duck,%20it&st=cse&scp=1&%2359;s%20the%20holidays

You may get an failed operation message, just click ok, if you get a "cannot display" just backspace (upper left on my screen) and it will come through. Can't figure out how to get around that.

Need positive thoughts, please

Rachel B. — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:19:56 GMT

Hi Everyone,
I don't post much any more since Mom passed several years ago, but tonight Dad had a pretty bad fall, and I'd just appreciate any good thoughts you can send my way. At first he seemed OK, but then some blood started collecting at the sight of his head bump, and suddenly we were at seizure, breathing tube, etc. Scary, to say the least. (Yes, he's in the best trauma hospital.) The next head scan is scheduled for 6 hours from now, so perhpas its a good sign that they don't expect to find anything else going wrong before then. On the other hand, it's hard to predict how any individual will react to things, particularly the elderly. Trying to stay positive. Thanks.

maintaining it all...

bren — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:12:39 GMT

How does one maintain their sense of self while they are a F.T. care taker?
At this point that's a rhetorical question as I find daily pieces of me are falling on the floor and being stepped on and broken. I love my Dad...I feel what I am doing is more than likely one of the most important things I may ever do, but in the process of caring for him I have over the year found my relationship with him is declining and keeping the happy place/face seems out of reach . I am a slave to constant criticism, I could do 25 things in a day for him and the one thing that didn't get done is the one thing that gets attention...I recently brought to his attention that in a 25 minute drive across town to a function to watch his granddaughter perform he complained the entire time, somehow this got turned around to me not being as good as my mother was as she never pointed out his short comings. I have come to realize my mother was a saint and she spoiled my dad rotten. Good for her to have taken such good care but she set the bar too high for the rest of us left to pick up the pieces. I have lost all of my friendships other than facebook friends and attending a social function has become almost so much work that I tend to bow out in order to avoid the trouble of having to find someone to take care of Dad or even worse having to take him. He is in bad condition but comparably he's ok, he can move in an electric wheelchair but his constant focus on what is gone rather than what is left drives us all nuts. I have tried empathetic, sympathetic and now I am to the point of nodding and ignoring as I've heard all of the complaints about 150 times if not more. The sarcasm in this message is where I lost my sense of humor...as I mentioned in the beginning pieces of me are being lost and stomped on. This is a crazy rant and I feel like a pity me message. I just don't know where else to turn. They say give it to god but I feel like god keeps giving it back. I made a promise to mom that I would never put Dad in a home and I still believe that but maintaining his happiness is compromising mine. Even a simple task such as being at choir practice for an hour is interrupted as he can't sit and watch eventually he starts rolling around the church and disrupting things. I am at my wits end, I feel I am going into a depression and as I have said am losing myself to a father who is ignorant to the life sacrifices myself and my husband and daughter are making for him. I know, I know it's not fair to even expect him to understand and it is our choice to be here but it would be so nice if he could throw out a bone every now and then. Thanks for letting me vent, I hate that I haven't been on this site forever and then my post is a rant sorry...inspiration left the building with Elvis. ha, ha there's just an itty bitty piece of my sense of humor left. Thanks All!

Brother Tried To Abandon Mother At ER

Sparkle — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:16:28 GMT

Well, this is the final straw for me. While I was away trying to get my spirit and mind renewed at a Benny Hinn conference this weekend (which by the way was awesome) I got another email from my niece.

She reports that my brother made her take my mom to the ER (when nothing was wrong) and abandon her!!!!) She did it, and stated that she "felt like an ass." Of course, the ER told her that she couldn't leave her there. I don't have any more details than that.

She reports that he has now received a DUI, (remember she wrote that he was drinking about 2 quarts a day) and he says that there is not enough money for anything, and that he wants to move out, and leave her with my mom, and she says she can't do it anymore--that it has become WAY too much. (I believe my mom may be completely incontinent now also.)

She reports that my mom does not have cancer, and along with the dementia, she is "just plain mean." My mom does have various serious conditions, including rheumatoid arthritis, insulin dependent diabetes, macular degeneration, fibromyalgia, and on and on. I believe she is on over 13 medications--maybe more now. Physically, she is in very bad shape.

How can my brother do that to his own mother? Making other arrangements is one thing, but dumping her and abandoning her at the ER is horrible. She does not deserve that! I am so hurt and horrified at the thought. I have to wonder if they told her their plan? And if so, how terrible for her.

Here is what I plan to do. My husband is a lawyer, though he specializes in adoptions. He can find out what needs to be done for me to apply for a guardianship, and hopefully, I can have her placed in a nursing home. (I'm pretty sure that she will no longer qualify for the AL, as she has declined physically and mentally so much.) There was only enough money for her to stay there for about 3 years, at the max. But we figured with the way her health was declining, she would probably have to be in a nursing home after that (or before) anyway. Remember, she has already broken her foot, opposite leg, and then hip (while in rehab.) The dementia became moderate after the hip surgery. The anesthesia did a real number on her, and all her inhibitions were gone, and she was very mean and demanding.

So, I ask for your prayers on this journey. I cannot live with myself, and know that she is in such a dangerous situation. She is also on Oxycontin, that my brother has locked in his room, and it would only take one or two extra of those to kill her. He is now in a desperate situation, and I don't trust him. I pray he would not physically harm her, but with the drinking, and God knows what else, it is a definite possibility. I feel that the timing is now right (and urgent) to make a move. I have to get her to a safer place.

Yes, my niece is also ready to leave. She is stuck at the moment, and who knows how long it might take to get the HUD apartment? She is on a waiting list. She wrote that when she leaves, it would not be a good situation, and we have to get my mom in some kind of care.

I'm back home tonight, and I haven't heard back from my niece, but as soon as she gets in touch with me, my husband and I will plan to meet with her, and I need to see my mother to assess her mental state.

I don't think the stress could be any worse than it is now, knowing what he tried to do, and wondering what he'll do next. Yes, I am sure her doctors will have to be very involved in recommending she be placed in a nursing home. I no longer have her POA--my brother does, but my husband says that we can talk to the doctors, and make then aware of the situation. (Even if they won't discuss her medical condition with me now.)

To get a guardianship, a committee will have to be appointed to assess her competency. And everything I guess will depend on the outcome of that. At one point, she was diagnosed with mild Alzheimer's. She was on Aricept, but the diarrhea was so horrible, that she had to come off. Then she was put on Namenda, but the insurance would not pay for it. At any rate, her dementia is much, much worse now, from what I hear. I will have to observe also, when I talk with her.

I will let you know as this plays out, and I'm sure it will be a roller coaster. I believe in God, and feel that He put that strong desire in my heart a few weeks ago to see my mother. I felt an urgency. And I believe that He will make a way, where there seems to be no way.

My brother is no longer the hero, and he is being shown to be the kind of person I described to you in the beginning. I will pray for him also, as he is a desperate man at the moment. (He too, is a product of my mom.) I believe that God is bringing this to a place of resolution. He knows the stress, and sickness it has all brought to me. If I am made guardian, hopefully, I will be stronger after a year away from the situation, and I will not expect so much from myself. I will have to let the professionals handle it, and just be there as I can, without neglecting myself or my health. I cannot care for her myself, so she will have to be placed. But can you imagine what we will likely go through? She will probably still not want to go to a nursing home, and will resist. But we will just have to see how it unfolds.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful suggestions and wisdom. I will take it all to heart, and consider it carefully. Now that I know (and have proof) that my mother is in danger, I feel I must step in and do something to get her to a safe place. Don't worry, I know that I can't go back to caring for her myself, and I know that I will have to carefully pace myself now in visiting, and getting deeply involved. I just cannot leave her in this situation.

A lot will have to go in our favor to get her, but with a DUI, and abandoning her (or rather making his daughter try to abandon her at the ER) we have some pretty strong proof of the situation. My niece said that he thinks my mom should be in a nursing home now, so maybe he won't fight us.

As to the home situation, in Florida, the house is considered homestead, and cannot be taken to pay for a nursing home. (It would have to be sold to pay for her to stay in an Assisted Living, which is different.) I am sure that he does not at the moment know that. I hope we get a jump on him in our plans. I don't know if he had my mom change her will, which divided the house equally between us, but if he did, it would be a good case to argue, due to her mental state at the time.

I don't care about the house really, other than it seems so unfair for him to get what little there is, with his motives. I just care about her and her safety.

But my husband says that he won't necessarily get to stay there if I become guardian. He says I could order him out. (But again, as to the will, I have a copy of the old one, but don't know what he may have done to change it.) So that would only come into play at her death.

For now, it will be interesting, won't it? I have my mom's best interests at heart. He doesn't. That's the bottom line. Okay, I'll keep you posted. Thank God, I'm married to an attorney.

I will let you know what happens. Pray for strength for me, and peace, and safety for my mom.

Much Love and Thanks, Sparkle

"The Cost of Dying" on 60 Minutes Tonight

Lora C — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 01:00:35 GMT

A snippet of the media paying attention to end of life issues. If you missed it, you can go to cbs.com and view it on line.

the Bum's Rush for Mom!!

BC — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 20:57:22 GMT

I started this in john's post, but it turned into a rant so I thought I would take it to a seperate thread. Here is what Mom, bro and I went through just a month ago.

In Oct. I had to take Mom to the ER, (getting suddenly more confused and showing signs of dehydration)...This was after HHN had documented her problems swallowing, lack of effort with PT, and on and on. The young PCP who had taken over the office Mom went to refused to let Hospice evaluate Mom to see if she was admissable. (Believe me, even with Mom at close to 95 it was hard to ask for Hospice, but I knew Mom's wishes to be at home, her decline was spiraling down rapidly, so I had to ask.)

So we went to the ER, other wise it was get medical transport to this PCP's office, then medical transport to what ever tests she deemed appropriate, never even considering that what is appropriate for a 24 year old is out of the question for a failing 94 year old. Can you say "Head up her a##"?

So I take Mom to ER. She was dehydrated a little and had a high WBC count, but no UTI. Admitted over night. OK. In the morning Bro talks with the hospitalist person and then talks to me, telling me what I already know, (but maybe he is trying to just reinforcing our united stance) and leaves. Dear Nurse comes in smiling and says, " Great, your Mom is getting sprung today." WBC count is still sky high though coming down.

I am like,,,, " NOT EXCEPT OVER MY OWN DEAD BODY. I WANT TO SPEAK TO THAT DOCTOR". Poor doc says, "But I thought your bro wanted her home as soon as we could give her oral antibiotics, and I personally hate keeping old people a minute longer than necessary". I say "ER said she was dehydrated , recognized the swallow issue, said we would see a speech therapist BEFORE going home so she COULD swallow her oral meds...AND maybe stay hydrated. PLUS,, I was promised a consult with the case worker and that a wound care specialist would look at her behind AND that her pessary would be removed while we are here since it is a possible source of the infection AND that it is impossible to take her to her GYNO and get her up on a table FCS. I WILL NOT have my Mom in and out of here like she is on a bungee cord!!!! These things WILL be done before we leave or Heads will Roll."

The very sympathetic case worker got the hospice evaluation to happen in the hospital,,totally bypassing the ignorant and arrogant twit PCP. I didn't have a clue how fast Mom would continue to decline, but I knew she was so very tired and had been having visitors of a celestial type for some time. I knew she wanted to be undisturbed at home when she passed from the earthly plane.

I had NO IDEA how hard I would have to fight to protect her wishes about end of life!!! I was surprised to see that Hospice admitted her with a diagnosis of "dementia". We ALL KNOW that dementia is a symptom, NOT a diagnosis, but it worked and Mom was allowed to die in peace in her home like she always said she wanted.

It took several months of fighting,,,and a brief concession (going to the ER) to protect her, even WITH a living will, advance directive and a DNR. I really thought we would have some time to relax and slide, but Hospice was in affect for only 12 days.

Anyway, You can fight them..it does work. Of course I haven't seen the bill yet. Frankly , my Dear, I don't give a Dam#. It will be charged to her estate and I never counted on anything being left over anyway.

Over Medicated

Maureen — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:34:56 GMT

I took Aunt to Dr Friday, and as I thought she is over medicated. New Doc changed meds and told me a few other things. I was thinking that is what was happening because all Aunt did was want to sleep and be quiet and that is not her. Blood pressure meds were doing it to her. So now we shall see. She also went to see eye doc and now has new glasses coming, I found out the pair she was "borrowed" and NOT hers. Now she may be able to read again. But the macular Degeneration is bad in one eye and starting in the other. So she has to see a Retina Specialist. And there are a few other things she needs to get done also.
And Life goes on.
Wow, I know some of you have a lot more going on, but all this is new to me and very confusing. I think I told you that she has NO supplemental ins. And I have to get that going. But with all the different plans I am lost. I will try to muddle through all that.
Thanks for Listening...
Maureen

laid off

PJ — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:32:30 GMT

Hello all.....I will keep this brief as this is not really about "caregiving" this time. I am the one who posted about the credit card debt. I just need to vent a little...I got laid off my job last week through an email with no notice. I work at home as a medical transcriptionist, most of our communications are through email but they have my phone number....but laying me off through an email with no notice????? I told them that was just cold. Not really sure what I am going to do now, I was a "statutory" employee so do not know if I qualify for unemployment but applied anyway, will see how that goes. Since mom, 90, lives with me, it would be hard for me to get a job outside my home, plus I am no spring chicken myself for someone to hire. Hope to figure something out soon. I don't really need advice, just someone to listen, thanks all...........Will keep you informed.

81yo drives 9 hours to get newspaper

OhDear — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:28:00 GMT

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091118/od_nm/us_driver_odds

Lost man drives nine hours to get newspaper

Wed Nov 18, 12:56 pm ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) An elderly man who went out to fetch a morning newspaper ended up driving nearly 400 miles after getting lost and taking a wrong turn onto a major Australian highway, police said on Wednesday. The man, 81-year-old Eric Steward, eventually stopped and asked for directions after driving for nine hours, from the New South Wales country town of Yass to Geelong in the southern Victoria state.

Steward, who did not know where he was, eventually approached a policeman at a petrol station and asked for help late Wednesday.

"This little old man came up to me saying he was lost. He handed me his mobile and asked if I could speak to his wife," said Victorian Police Senior Constable Clayton Smith.

Steward, who was reunited with his family on Wednesday, said he took the wrong turn and just kept on going.

"I just went out on the road to have a drive, a nice peaceful drive," he told reporters, adding he did not need a satellite navigation device as he'd only been lost once.

(Reporting by James Grubel, editing by Miral Fahmy)

O/T Dear Santa....

Redneck — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:19:22 GMT

OK Gang....

Let's share your letters to Santa...

Remember: money is no object...you are free from caregiving responsibilities...free from family traditions, obligations...

How will you spend the holidays?...where?...with whom...?

What is on your list for Santa...?

I will go first:

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a computer that I can "run". One that does not post all these messages, such as "You cannot do that, Stoopid Person"..."We have to shut down down, Stoopid Person...sorry for the inconvenience."

Also, I would like a set of containers: One large bucket of "Energy"...another of "Ambition". And while you are at it, please send a repairman to fix my "Give a Sh*t". It was broken awhile back...

Love, Redneck
=============

I AM HERE TO WISH EVERYONE A WONDERFUL, BLESSED AND JUST-EXACTLY-RIGHT .... HOLIDAY SEASON. YOU ROCK !!!!

humor - Story of a Challenged Senior

Farm Gal — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:12:45 GMT

My father-in-law sent me this one this a.m., with the comment, "sounds too familiar."

I ran a business with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter. But....

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space..
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean, the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Hosting Party @ SL - Need Diabetic Cookie Recipes

Daddy's Little Girl — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:11:00 GMT

I'm hosting a Happy Hour for Christmas at my Mom's Supportive Living facility and am looking for some tried and true recipes for diabetic cookies and/or punch. I'm going to have 2 tables - 1 with regular offerings and 1 with diabetic.

I initially Googled some and while they look good, I'd really like to get some recipes that I can trust will be yummy since I don't have time to test and see first (hence why I am asking you guys!)

I'm also going to do some ice-breaker type activities and would welcome any ideas. I have 2 in mind:

Have You Ever
One person asks "Have you ever......." and fills in the blank with something they have done. Example - My Mom could ask "Have you ever kayaked?" If anyone has ever done it, they raise their hand. The first one with their hand raised tells the story of what they did and then ask the next question. Of course there is no hard and fast rule about only 1 person telling their story...I was also thinking to ask whoever wanted to share to share and then the person with their hand raised first gets to ask the next "Have You Ever?" question. I did this as a musical chairs type activity for work and learned some mighty interesting things about my new team mates (we'd all just been assigned to a brand new venture within the company) and it was hysterical as people needed to get up and run to an empty chair instead of raising their hand - and the one without a chair had to ask the next question. Perish the thought with a group of seniors, some with walkers

Favorite Christmas Memories
My friend suggested having whoever wanted to, share their Favorite Christmas Memory. Not sure if this would be a great idea or a crying fest. I personally am more likely to be weepy and sentimental and I would hate to have them share a wonderful memory of a spouse or a child or something who is long gone and then go back to their apt after a little get together and be depressed and cry. But maybe I'm just projecting my perceived reaction onto them (I have neither spouse nor child who is long gone). Feel free to tell me I'm over-reacting

Thanks for your suggestions!

Shhhhh, it's a secrete.

donnaf "A Soldier's Mom" — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:20:53 GMT

Talked to DM last night.
Don't you just cringe when they say "now you can't tell your brother"? OK mom I won't. I'm sure she's told him to keep secretes from me as well. We don't keep in touch very much, too many secretes. She thinks she's keeping the peace, but in actuality she distancing us, not only from each other, but also from her. Why do they do that? We don't invite DM to visit. She will never like our current spouses/SO. Not sure if I ever want her to meet my new guy. I get along with my bros, but of course we don't talk to each other much.
Mom is going to visit her ex DIL. My bro lives in same state. Like me, he can't stand to be around her for very long. She obsesses too much. We can't stand the drama.
My exSIL is a very nice person. She hasn't been around my DM in a very long time. That visit should be very interesting.
She didn't like my exSIL when she was married to my bro. Now she does. Ironic isn't it.
Is this just a game? How stupid does she think we are?
I guess she is just playing one against the other or keeping us distanced so as not to compare secretes. Holy Cow!
She also keeps bashing my bros and wives to me. I really love my bros. We all have our own lives to live. We are all busy. I feel its just not fair that she is doing this to us. We will be the only family we have left, besides our S/O and kids when she is no longer here. I encourage my kids to stay close and they are never bashed by me to them. I love them equally, altho sometimes different. I could never hurt them in this manner. I guess she doesn't see what its doing to me to hear all the bad things she has to say about them or their wives. I know she is doing it to them as well.
Ok, this has turned into a rant, but I feel better getting it off my chest.
Any suggestions on how to diplomatically tell her to STOP?
I just will not take it any more and I don't want to blow up on her.
Of course, maybe that would work. I don't want to intentionally hurt her.

Thanks
donnaf