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var threads = new Array(15);
threads[0] = new thread(3853829, 'Hosting Party @ SL - Need Diabetic Cookie Recipes', 'Daddy\'s Little Girl', 'Today', '09:11 AM','I\'m hosting a Happy Hour for Christmas at my Mom\'s Supportive Living facility and am looking for some tried and true recipes for diabetic cookies and/or punch. I\'m going to have 2 tables - 1 with regular offerings and 1 with diabetic.
I initially Googled some and while they look good, I\'d really like to get some recipes that I can trust will be yummy since I don\'t have time to test and see first (hence why I am asking you guys!)
I\'m also going to do some ice-breaker type activities and would welcome any ideas. I have 2 in mind:
Have You Ever
One person asks "Have you ever......." and fills in the blank with something they have done. Example - My Mom could ask "Have you ever kayaked?" If anyone has ever done it, they raise their hand. The first one with their hand raised tells the story of what they did and then ask the next question. Of course there is no hard and fast rule about only 1 person telling their story...I was also thinking to ask whoever wanted to share to share and then the person with their hand raised first gets to ask the next "Have You Ever?" question. I did this as a musical chairs type activity for work and learned some mighty interesting things about my new team mates (we\'d all just been assigned to a brand new venture within the company) and it was hysterical as people needed to get up and run to an empty chair instead of raising their hand - and the one without a chair had to ask the next question. Perish the thought with a group of seniors, some with walkers 
Favorite Christmas Memories
My friend suggested having whoever wanted to, share their Favorite Christmas Memory. Not sure if this would be a great idea or a crying fest. I personally am more likely to be weepy and sentimental and I would hate to have them share a wonderful memory of a spouse or a child or something who is long gone and then go back to their apt after a little get together and be depressed and cry. But maybe I\'m just projecting my perceived reaction onto them (I have neither spouse nor child who is long gone). Feel free to tell me I\'m over-reacting 
Thanks for your suggestions!
','36312885');
threads[1] = new thread(3847131, 'Shhhhh, it\'s a secrete.', 'donnaf "A Soldier\'s Mom"', 'Yesterday', '02:20 PM','Talked to DM last night.
Don\'t you just cringe when they say "now you can\'t tell your brother"? OK mom I won\'t. I\'m sure she\'s told him to keep secretes from me as well. We don\'t keep in touch very much, too many secretes. She thinks she\'s keeping the peace, but in actuality she distancing us, not only from each other, but also from her. Why do they do that? We don\'t invite DM to visit. She will never like our current spouses/SO. Not sure if I ever want her to meet my new guy. I get along with my bros, but of course we don\'t talk to each other much.
Mom is going to visit her ex DIL. My bro lives in same state. Like me, he can\'t stand to be around her for very long. She obsesses too much. We can\'t stand the drama.
My exSIL is a very nice person. She hasn\'t been around my DM in a very long time. That visit should be very interesting.
She didn\'t like my exSIL when she was married to my bro. Now she does. Ironic isn\'t it.
Is this just a game? How stupid does she think we are?
I guess she is just playing one against the other or keeping us distanced so as not to compare secretes. Holy Cow!
She also keeps bashing my bros and wives to me. I really love my bros. We all have our own lives to live. We are all busy. I feel its just not fair that she is doing this to us. We will be the only family we have left, besides our S/O and kids when she is no longer here. I encourage my kids to stay close and they are never bashed by me to them. I love them equally, altho sometimes different. I could never hurt them in this manner. I guess she doesn\'t see what its doing to me to hear all the bad things she has to say about them or their wives. I know she is doing it to them as well.
Ok, this has turned into a rant, but I feel better getting it off my chest.
Any suggestions on how to diplomatically tell her to STOP?
I just will not take it any more and I don\'t want to blow up on her.
Of course, maybe that would work. I don\'t want to intentionally hurt her.
Thanks
donnaf
','36289725');
threads[2] = new thread(3846821, 'My mother\'s trip begins tomorrow..', 'Mary E.', 'Yesterday', '01:41 PM','And how hard it is. She regrets saying she\'d go - realizing all of the equipment (medicines, wheelchair, commode, walker, Depends, and on and on) - not to mention regular traveling things like clothing..
But she\'s excited, too, I think. She hasn\'t seen some of her grandchildren and great grandchildren in a while.. My neice is excited, also and decorating the room for her. I got a chance to speak to her yesterday and explained some of the things like Coumadin, the danger of falls, etc. I wrote all other information on a paper and hope she reads it.. She still has no idea of what she\'s getting into..
My sister is planning to make the 1/2 hour trip every day to help - I hope she does..
So far, we\'ve had none of the delirium which occured on Monday when she thought she was in another city or already out at my neice\'s house.. Supposedly it was the UTI, which I wrote about in another post, but I\'m not sure since the antibiotic is only on it\'s second day and she hasn\'t had any more confusion other than the short term memory loss.. I don\'t think the antibiotic would kick in so fast. The other change we made was with Ativan - and I\'m inclined to believe that both things - my mother\'s incorrect taking of the Ativan AND the UTI caused the delirium.
I won\'t even be home when she leaves. Her aide and my brother will help my neice get everything in the car - it is a lot of stuff!! I\'m leaving today on my trip to see my daughter and am just leaving it up to them. I know my mother is anxious about leaving - The change will do us both good..
','36288527');
threads[3] = new thread(3845279, 'Hello again, remember me?', 'tara0922', '11/19/09', '05:43 PM','Hi everyone, its been awhile since I have been in here to say hello. HOpefully a few of you will remember me. My dad passed away 10 months ago right before I was to start caregiving for him. Alot of support here helped me through that initial shock.
I just wanted to say hello and tell you all again how much I appreciated the advice, and the listening, allowing me to vent and everyone who posted about me wondering how I was doing.
LEts see, my dads bday was in august, it was difficult. I had a plaque made for him and placed on his favorite bench at the park he worked at for so many years. I thought it would be a good memorial. A happy place where my kids can go and think about their pappy during his happiest time.
I am really nervous about the upcoming thanksgiving and xmas holiday. I cried my eyes out today while making out my thanksgiving grocery list because it hit me all over again. He will NOT be here this year, he will not be calling his "order" in to me, he will not be calling me asking me how the cooking and baking is going. I dont wanna bring anyone down on thanksgiving but I dont know how my mood will be.
For anyone who is new, and lost, and found this place out of sheer desparation, you are not alone and you will find coming here to be very helpful.
thanks again everyone!
','36283989');
threads[4] = new thread(3842950, 'Happy Birthday Sparkle 
', '~OK~', '11/19/09', '05:27 AM','
I hope you have a wonderful day!
','36273094');
threads[5] = new thread(3842532, 'Update On MY Situation', 'Sparkle', '11/19/09', '01:17 AM','After finally getting my niece to answer an email on MySpace, since no other form of contact worked, I was told on Oct. 31 that she would get my brother off to work, and write when she had more "privacy." As of November 15th, I still had not heard a word. This is very frustrating to me, because the last I heard, they were testing my mom for possible cancer. I was told that there was no cancer of the bowel, but further testing was needed. I was never told another word, and of course, I\'ve wondered and worried.
So I wrote ANOTHER email expressing my frustration, and I guessed it worked, because I FINALLY heard something back. However, it was not good news. She said that she is about to have a nervous breakdown, and that she has separated from her husband. She and her 2 small kids have moved into my mother\'s house, awaiting a HUD apartment. She said that my brother is talking about going off and leaving her with the whole situation with my mom. (My mom is apparently rapidly declining into bad dementia.) She won\'t use her walker, and keeps trying to walk without it. (This is after 3 broken bones-foot-leg-and hip.) And when they tell her not to, she is now throwing coke on them.
My niece says that everyday is a "struggle", and that my mother calls her by my name all the time.
Not one word about possible cancer, or what the large mass turned out to be-no word about when I can set up a day to see my mom, and no answer to any of my other questions.
Just that she is ready to tell my brother to "shove it" all, and that a week ago, she was ready to tell everyone to "go to hell-o."
Well... it certainly sounds like things are going fine. 
One year since I placed her in a beautiful AL, with great food, had an argument, and went no contact, and my brother promptly took her out. (He took her home so that he could get her house when she passes, as it would have to be sold to finance the AL--for those that don\'t know my story. He wasn\'t going to let that happen.) So first a lady across the street, and now my niece (his daughter) cared for my mom, on almost no pay.
He is apparently spending all her money and his too, and says that he can\'t pay bills.
This is very strange, as my mom had enough to pay her bills, and some left over every month. He makes good money, and my niece says she is getting food stamps, while she awaits the HUD apartment, so that\'s not a problem. There is no way that he would be having financial problems with my mom\'s income and his. He must be drinking it away, and spending wildly.
At any rate, he has yet to take any responsibility for his decision to take her out of the AL. (I barely had her moved in.) All I asked him to do (when I went no contact) was to step up and take care of her personal shopping needs, and see that she got to doctor\'s appointments (which they would have done for a fee), as I couldn\'t go another step. I did everything for 3 1/2 years, until my health and sanity failed. My mom called me names, and thinks he walks on water. (Golden Boy) He did NOTHING!
Apparently he still does nothing, and now my niece is breaking down. It took me 3 1/2 years--it took her one horrible one. My mom is now completely incontinent also, from what I have heard. She said she is very ill-tempered now. (What else is new????)
Yes, she is a narcissist, but I love her. I could not care for her in my home, and I placed her where she would be taken very good care of, and have as much privacy, dignity, and supervision as she needed, for as long as she could be there.
So now her last years are playing out like a bad horror film. She told my uncle that she is "not happy." It didn\'t have to be this way. It could have been SO different. Neither my brother or my first cousin (who is like a brother) would support me in my efforts. They just wanted me to keep on keeping on until I dropped dead.
And I was very close, with all my health problems--9 meds. My cousin has said, "Don\'t sit on the front pew, and not take care of your mother." This hurt me very much, as I DID take care of my mother to the best of my ability, until I couldn\'t anymore. How pompous of him. He likes to drop in like Santa Claus, take her places, pay for everything, and disappear until the next time, as he lives in another state. Yes, it\'s easy to be a hero when you are not in the trenches everyday.
So, I still want to see her before Christmas, but I am sure that it will break my heart further. It is so insane to have a brother that you can\'t talk to about what is best for our mom. (Those of you who have siblings that are kind, you are so blessed.) My brother has always had his hand out for everything he could get, and felt entitled to even more. It is impossible to reason with him.
I never thought that my mom\'s final years would be like this. But I guess it is a choice they made together, and it obviously is NOT working. I guess if I see her, and feel that she is in danger, I could try to alert Adult Protective Services, but I have been warned that unless the elder is near death, lying on the floor with open sores (slight exaggeration)--not to expect much. They really won\'t do anything. I am in NW Florida. Why do they even have Adult Protective services then?
The only other thing I could do is have her declared incompetent, and try to get a guardianship. But I am sure that my brother would fight me every step of the way, and of course, everything would be on me again. But I love her, and want to know she is being taken care of properly. This is breaking my heart to the point that it aches constantly. I don\'t know how much more than I can take.
Thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow (actually today now-the 19th) is my birthday, and we are going to the Benny Hinn conference in Mobile. I am so glad that I am getting away for a couple of days. They prayed for me in church tonight, and I cried and cried. I feel like this has to end. It has been 4 years of constant stress and hell on earth. Too much strife---too much hurt and sorrow, beginning with having to watch my dad die unexpectedly (and rather drawn out), after triple bypass from hospital acquired infections. I thought it couldn\'t get much worse, but it surely did! Nothing but heartbreak for so long...
Love to all-Sparkle
','36271553');
threads[6] = new thread(3842530, 'my dad doesn\'t trust me', 'Linda Del Giudice', '11/19/09', '01:16 AM','My 81 year old dad has severe leg sores that won\'t heal on both legs. He has had medical treatment for them for the past 3 years; nothing has helped. A skin graft has been recommended by several doctors. He told me today that he doesn\'t trust me...since I am agreeing with his doctors and since I do not have a medical background I couldn\'t possibly have an educated opinion.
He has severe hip pain and needs a hip replacement, but cannot have any hip surgery until these wounds are healed.
I have been in tears for the past hour. I have spent my life trying to earn the respect of my dad and it comes down to the fact that he doesn\'t trust me.
I need some positive reinforcement and some advice on how to handle this situation.
','36271544');
threads[7] = new thread(3841736, 'supercentenarian', 'Avis', '11/18/09', '08:15 PM','The word for today -- Supercentenarian. This is a test. Without looking it up (either in a dictionary or on the computer) who\'s willing to "guess" what it means. (Although on this board, there\'s a pretty big hint). Tell me what you think, and then I\'ll tell what Hertz said when I asked him.
Avis
','36268128');
threads[8] = new thread(3841018, 'Repost for New Member', 'WAITING FOR A MIRACLE', '11/18/09', '04:22 PM','| WAITING FOR A MIRACLE | | Reply with quote | #16 |
I would like to share my story, hoping that the telling will make me feel better. My mother has been complaing of nausea for several months and nothing seems to take it away. She is currently living in her own apartment. She refuses to do anything for herself because she feels sick. I have support workers going in every morning and evening, a woman from her building goes in to get her lunch and I give her supper everyday after work. She will not get up herself and get a sandwich (that is already premade) out of the fridge for her own lunch herself. I make her supper meal a day ahead so that it only has to be warmed up in the microwave but she insists that she can not do that herself. She currently has someone with her about 7 hours per day, but that is not good enough. She tries to make everyone feel guilty for leaving her, for example, she told the neighbor that she doesn\'t want to die alone. Her condition is not life threatening in any way. I have absolutely no life. i spend all my time with her. I need to get back time to spend with my family, get my housework done, get my bills paid. I can\'t sleep properly because of the stress. I am loosing weight, only get a proper meal on the weekends. Mom refuses to go to a nursing home and says that "if her parents were alive she would take care of them." I have no siblings to help. I hate to force her into a nursing home, but it looks like that is my only choice. | |
|
| 2nd kathy | | Reply with quote | #17 |
waiting for a miracle,
I hope someone who knows how will move your post to its own thread so that it does not get lost here. Welcome.
You are not responsible, regardless of how you feel or how she makes you feel, for someone who will not lift a hand to help themselves. I\'m afraid you are going to have to learn to be a bit bold and tell her that unless she is able to do some basic things for herself, she will have to move to a NH.
Yes, you will probably feel guilty and she is doing a good job to ensure that you will by saying she took care of her own parents or she would have but the guilt is not yours!.
You can learn more and become stronger if you go to the library and pick up a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Townsend.
This is often recommended here and has helped many of us.
| |
|
','36265244');
threads[9] = new thread(3839385, 'It was a UTI!', 'Mary E.', '11/18/09', '08:53 AM','Hi, I wrote about my mother\'s drastic confusion problems. She had been fairly OK up until a couple of weeks ago - mostly short term memory losss from her stroke.. But lately she\'s gotten agitated at times and two days ago had no orientation of time or place.
She called me during the night, alarmed that it was so dark (it was 3:45am). Later in the morning she called to tell me she was in a city near Boston, with her friends (some deceased). She had actually gotten up and dressed by herself, something she hasn\'t done for a long time.. During the day she was better and then later in the day, she was again confused, thinking she was in my neice\'s house. She had gotten food out of her little refrigerator and was happily eating, but thought she was someplace else. She also told me that her aide had come in to visit her and introduced her to her new boyfriend and that they were the ones who had brought her to my neice\'s house..
We thought it was like sleepwalking - similar to stories about the sleep meds that make people drive or wash dishes or eat - and have no recollections later. So, we started narrowing in on her Ativan which she has taken for years with no problems. The doctor felt this could be true, also. My mother had gotten into the habit of taking it in the afternoon and then was wide awake by midnight and wondered why she couldn\'t sleep..
So, we were changing the Ativan routine, meaning that I\'d go over there at 10 each night and give it to her so that she wouldn\'t be tempted to take it too early. But as a precaution, and knowing about UTI\'s causing confusion, I had also asked the doctor at our appointment yesterday - to do a urine analysis.. She called me later and said that she indeed has one and that might be the cause of the delirium.. It works in strange ways because yesterday my mother had awakened very cognitive but the NP says that this is how it happens - when an infection is present - they go in and out of the delirium..
As much as I\'ve learned on this site, I was still almost caught off guard. I wanted to rule out a UTI, but I didn\'t really think that was it. It is so strange to sit in front of someone so recently alert and hear them say things that you know are not true at all (the friend she had been with died 10 years ago). I thought it was much more serious - another clot (although the NP wasn\'t overly worried about that since she\'s on Coumadin and strictly regulated)..
So think of UTI\'s first when they show confusion. My mother had no symptoms - no burning, itching, etc. and her urine looked clear when she was giving a sample.. Maybe she\'s more apt to have the confusion because of lack of sleep from her messed up Circadian rhythms, the excitement and worry about her upcoming trip (Saturday) and her age in general.. I also think she is in the early stages of Dementia and this also may contribute. But, so far, things are looking up again.. Her trip to visit my sister\'s family for a whole week - and therefore, my trip to visit my sister are still ON!.
','36258292');
threads[10] = new thread(3838843, 'Happy Birthday Sam ', '~OK~', '11/18/09', '06:19 AM','
I hope you have a special day!
','36256355');
threads[11] = new thread(3838234, 'Thank you chat room ladies(mom was admitted to hospital)', 'john', '11/18/09', '02:53 AM','Just and update and thank you to all the ladies in chat room.
My mother was admitted to the hospital tonight. My father and I got home an hour or so ago.
Maybe this will get the surgery date pushed up. They did all the normal tests and in addition she an elevated INR level. She does take Cumiden.
Thank you for your time and support this afternoon.
My mother didn\'t want to go, and my father almost gave in!
I said she doesn\'t have a choice....things seem to be getting worse(especially after last night)...so Thank God we went.
So thank you again Lizzie, ESQ1, Billie Jo....you and the other girls are all great.
On a funny side note( I must find humor) there was a message from one of the relatives up north....."It is 10pm where are you people"...we got home at like 1:30am....felt like calling them back...LOL...we drove to Disneyworld....and I couldn\'t get my mother off Space Mountain....she was having too much fun...oye....
If we don\'t answer the phone at 10pm....clearly something is up...
Anyway that is it for now...thank you all again.
','36254813');
threads[12] = new thread(3838200, 'About to have a nervous breakdown...', 'Jojo', '11/18/09', '02:43 AM','Found this forum a few weeks ago. Felt better knowing so many others go through the same issues. That carried me over a few weeks, but I\'ve been reduced to tears again tonight, and just wanted to vent to people who would understand. (WARNING: this is going to be long...)
Some background first...I just turned 30. My parents are separated, 76 with advanced Alzheimer\'s, and 86 with Parkinson\'s. I\'ve pretty much always been the caregiver, starting from when I was in high school since one of my parents can\'t speak English or drive. I am the financial manager and personal health caregiver. My older sibling doesn\'t contribute anything but trouble, is still dependent on my parents and hence by offshoot I am responsible for his financial issues as well. In the past, I\'ve given up overseas job opportunities, educational opportunities, and relationships because of my parents. I\'m at the point in life where I\'ve finally painstakingly managed to almost finish a professional degree, am about to get married, and finally have my *own* life, but my parents are overwhelming me and giving me a nervous breakdown.
The parent with Alz worsened rapidly these months. I use to live with her. She began to have episodes where she would refuse to eat, refuse to bathe, change, allow people to wash her clothes etc. I had to get home from work and hand feed her some nights. There was an episode where I had to call the cops because she left the house as I was on the phone and I couldn\'t find her. I managed to get her in a home, but she is confused and blames me for keeping her in the home. No matter how difficult she is now, I want to state that I in no way blame her for her condition. I know it is part of her disease, and I love her. It was all just very emotionally draining. But now the other parent...
My dad is what I think forum members would call the typical narcissitic toxic parent? He\'s physically frail but mentally alert. He resides in a nursing home. My parents split up a long time ago. I cannot recall a single instance where he\'s shown me affection, neither hugs, gifts, outings, nothing. He has no friends or relatives that care about him. I attend to him out of a sense of duty. He use to unreasonably demand that I do not associate with my mother, and out of respect for her wishes at not being bothered by him, I had to lie and say I did not know about her whereabouts to him. His usual mode of operation is to lie about being a poor old man when he has close to a mil$. Or he would bribe people with money. He trusts no one, has outright told me to my face that he doesn\'t trust me, changes financial advisors every so often alleging that they steal his money.
About a year ago he decided to give my baby nephew a large sum of money in trust so my brother would agree to let him see his grandson. When that was purchased, I was out of the country, and did not advise him in any way about the purchase. I am neither the beneficiary nor the trustee of that fund. My understanding was that it was explained to all parties involved. Recently, he finds out that the fund was not as he imagined. It was all explained to all parties again. He begged me to investigate, and I myself took him to the bank twice where I heard it explained, and I explained it to him again. Regardless of how many times people explained it, he still alleges that the bank advisor was stealing his money. He decides to report the advisor to their superiors. He asks me to sue the guy for him. I decline since I do not agree with his opinion and I inform him I will not lie for him. I inform him that should he wish for me to attend at the superior\'s office with him, I will tell the truth and say I heard my father agree to it since that is what I heard.
He starts screaming at me. Telling me how dare I say that\'s what he said when he didn\'t say it. How dare I go against him. Then he changes his tune and says *I* stole his money, that this fiasco is my fault and I should be responsible. As well, he claims that an amount of money he gave me nearly a decade again for schooling was a sum that I STOLE from him instead. And that he\'s going to SUE me. Now I\'m 99% sure that he has no legit claim against me since it was a gift and he doesn\'t have proof otherwise, and since he\'s only pursuing it against me so many years later, time limitation must have run out. But on the slim chance, the 0.001% or whatever, I could lose my professional license.
This isn\'t the first time he\'s said he doesn\'t trust/believe me. This isn\'t the first time he\'s yelled at me. But it still hurts a lot when the person I\'ve been slaving to take care of says that. I spoke to my partner about it, and if we hadn\'t just signed to purchase our first home together, I would take out a loan to give it back to him so I wouldn\'t have to have him say he\'s contributed in any way to my present accomplishments.
With mom\'s issues, finals coming up, my sibling\'s issues, if my father starts a civil suit against me, I\'m going to lose it and go bonkers. I\'m tired, sick, work and study, and haven\'t had a vacation/break in years. It breaks my heart to know my dad doesn\'t care whether I waste all my efforts studying for my professional degree and how hard I\'ve worked.
Wow, if you\'ve made it this far, thanks for reading.
J
','36254736');
threads[13] = new thread(3836938, 'Help for new Caregiver', 'Need Advice', '11/17/09', '08:43 PM','As most of you know, I just brought my aunt and uncle from texas to indiana. Uncle is in nursing home and from all reports doing just fine. And he even told me he likes it better than the last place in texas. Now, Aunt. Before she came she would not eat very much. And it has not changed being here. She eats very little. And she is getting weaker. She goes to see her new Dr in a couple days. So maybe she will convince her to do more.
She wants pain meds every 4 hours (she just had hip replacement again) and that is not helping her stomach problems.
I know she needs some physical therapy but I have to wait for the order from the new dr. So we shall see there that may help her with her strength.
Any suggestions on what to do until we see the Dr?
Second question, being a caregiver for someone who lives with you, do you charge them rent? Or what. If she needs clothing, meds, misc items she does pay for them. But room and board?
','36250653');
threads[14] = new thread(3836240, 'MIL prob\'s make me doubt myself with others', 'Saturngoddess', '11/17/09', '05:54 PM','It\'s hard to explain - so I\'ll try very hard to use the words I think will do it (feelings sometimes are hard to decipher).
I feel like my MIL gaslights me - by saying that or this, then changing it when my husband is around. Since this has been going on since we moved in 6.5 years ago (and before that), I am starting to doubt myself when it comes to others that can hurt me.
For example - I\'m on another website that has a general forum. I\'ve made friends with some of the people there, but it is a harsh board. I have been called oversensitive for a while. They are more of a "tell it like it is" board - they can\'t say something nice - it has to be snarky, whereas I try to help without the snark.
Anyway, I met a couple of girls on there, miscommunications happened, and now they are upset at me. That\'s fine. I decided to give our friendship one last shot, and posted a thread about getting together. The first post was from one of the girls that wants to go out, but she wouldn\'t direct the post to me - she directed at the other girl.
My first reaction is - If you can\'t talk to me, then don\'t bother. I\'d never post that though - I\'d just pm her. But I wonder if I am being oversensitive? My inner voice says she is being childish - my outer voice is just saying to drop them both and don\'t have anything to do with them anymore.
Sorry this is so long. I\'m thinking I should get a shrink to figure out whether I am normal or just screwed up from all this stuff with the MIL!!
Thanks..
Laura
','36248020');