Reply with quote #31
I just want everyone to know that I am so thankful to read your post. I have come to finally realize that My mother is a narcissistic mother that uses religion also. After numerous times of believing that she has changed and even tried to convince my grown children that she has changed I have finally woken up! I lost my father a year ago from a heart attack and now I feel as though I'm grieving the loss of my mother. I have been sobbing since thanksgiving and remembering way too much that I did not want to see. My heart goes out to all of you. You should have had a loving mom. God is the rock that I rest on for solace. For the women with the husband with cancer..I will pray for him. I'm sorry to hear also about your miscarriages...I think your mother was worried also that you would truly show her up as a mom! I am convinced that the reason why we let these narcissistic people hurt us so much is for the fact that God has filled our hearts with love and the ability to forgive and we can't understand why they can't feel the same. I again want to thank all of you who shared your story and put your pain out there to help others.
Reply with quote #32
Oh yes...narcissists and religion. A lot of them are drawn to it and a lot, like my nfather are super religious. Someone once told me it's because they love to bask in the reflected glory. My father has even spoken to Jesus directly. Yes...he has appeared before him several times and told him things. Imagine being so superior that Jesus appears and talks to you. I went to a very small, simple church a few years back and it was actually more of a bible study. The entire service we actually read from the bible and discussed it paragraph by paragraph. I learned a LOT...and the funny thing I learned was that my father doesn't know a whole lot about the bible! He just likes the pomp and ceremony.
Reply with quote #33
It was in the back of my mind that this thread existed. NP's were/are so very Catholic and not in a good way. One of my favorite memories is being with them in church. The highlight of the year was not Christmas, it was not Easter or any "holy days of obligation". No, the highlight of the year was the Sunday the annual donation books came out. The parishioners were listed and THE GLORY OF IT ALL, everyone got to see how much each had given to the church during the past year. NP's just loved this, it gave them even more of a chance to be smug and sanctimonious than usual. NF had a very overt superiority complex. He and NM attended a few social events with a former president and first lady. That president was the only person I never heard NF judge, criticize, or make sarcastic comments about, with just one exception-priests.
Reply with quote #34
OH! Alinka...you are so right. I was raised Episcopalian, which is very similar to Catholic. My father, as well, criticizes priests. His church got a new one, and my father literally told him off. Nice. He claims to be so holy because he goes to church every Sunday but he doesn't even know that God disdains the criticism of a priest. Well....I guess that may not apply to some n's because they've had face to face conversations with God and Jesus.
Reply with quote #35
#2 Ashley! I am livin the same life here girl! Your post gave me chills because it is SO much similar to my own manipulative "saintly" "play the pathetic victim" Controlling MOTHER!!
Reply with quote #36
I really am so happy to have found this board. It doesn't make me happy to see that people have suffered but it helps to see that many other people went through similar things that happened to me during my childhood. It is sad that so many have gone through far worse.
When I was a child every night I had to sit on the "golden stairs to heaven". These were just the stairs that went to our upstairs but for years I truly believed that God had power over these stairs. My mom and I would sit on the stair rung from where ever I was from the previous day and go over all the things that I had done right or wrong for the day. We also had to go over all the things that she had done right for the day as well. As you can imagine she was always near the top of the stairs by the end of the discussion going to heaven and I was always near the bottom going to hell. I would have to move down one stair after each transgression that she listed and I would cry and cry saying I didn't want to go to hell. But she would say I would have to try to be better the next day. She had the power to decide by my actions. Then I would have to go to bed and say the prayer, "If I should die before I wake..." It was very twisted.
Never Get Away
Reply with quote #37
Being God's special one is part and parcel of the N syndrome. My mother did not attend church services because she was " too busy," but sent me alone to them. I recently recalled the misery of being the only small child in a large cathedral like church surrounded by families. My mother later claimed that as a divorced and remarried woman she couldn't receive the sacrament of holy communion which she now claims is the real reason she didn't attend services. Bah, not likely, because once her first husband died in the 70's she didn't attend either. She didn't go, because it wasn't important and she was too special to waste her time. And why would it be necessary to attend mass on Sunday when she was talking to God everyday. Too bad when they were chatting they never got around to the subject of a little kid sent off to mass alone, week after week, year after year. My mother also uses "God sent" dreams to control me. I can't bear to think about it. Everyday at 3PM she watches "my program" which is a half an hour of prayer commemorating the hour Jesus died on the cross, yet she makes excuses every week to avoid having the priest local visit her. She spends from 3:30PM on berating me for all my transgressions: buying blueberry muffins without enough blueberries or too many, getting "a cheap deal on TV Guide because it comes biweekly instead of weekly"..."you should count your blessings like I do." I believe that N's will use any means available to control, so why not religion?
Reply with quote #38
Dear Laura, I felt my heart clutch when reading your horrible stairs story. I am so sorry you had to survive that, that you are still surviving it. I know how that feels. My mother also is always right up there with God, polishing her halo and placing me down on the bottom step about to slip into hell. One day when she was lecturing me as always about what I need to do to "get right with God," I quietly told her that as it happens, I do the things she mentioned (prayer, etc.). She was quiet for a second and then snapped, "Well you need to do it MORE." You know, for the longest time I used to think that what was going on was that my mother was just more into regular church stuff -- that organized religion was a much bigger part of her lifestyle than mine and that she was simply misinterpreting my different way of expressing and practicing my faith. Slowly I have come to realize that religion is some kind of competition with her, one that I have no chance of winning. She isn't trying to save my immortal soul, she's having a jolly old time insulting me and putting me down -- shaming me while asserting her own authority and moral superiority.
Hi NGA, my mother also has 'her programs' that she watches, one in particular features this seriously hostile dude who likes to mix up what I suppose passes as spiritual guidance with hysterical political rhetoric. I dread the hour or so after the program is over because this is 'prime time' for my mother to go completely ballistic and call and verbally beat me up. Doesn't spiritual contemplation generally open one's soul to peace and joy and enlightenment? I don't know ... most any religious-type experience seems to ignite some kind of angry, aggressive blood lust in my mother -- downright scary stuff. I think her brand of religion would have fit in better during the Inquisition.
Reply with quote #39
With narcs. and religion, it's all about looks and not substance. I know more about the bible and what it means to be reborn in the word of the lord than my father, who sits in a church pew every Sunday. He claims he speaks to God and Jesus and they visit him, yet he goes around blabbing that he doesn't need to be reborn in the word of the lord...that HE got it right the FIRST time he was born. He would criticize and condemn me because I didn't attend church enough. He claims it was SO MUCH WORK for him and my mother to take us to church and now I'm not repaying him enough by honoring him by going to church. UGH. It's also essential that the rest of the congregation knows how much money narcs. have donated. I'd just throw money in the collect plate and be done with it. My father had to buy hand bells and a stained glass window...have a CEREMONY for the dedication of them to the church...UGH. PRODUCTION PRODUCTION. Religion and food. Two things that should be enjoyed that narcs. use as tools for manipulation.
Reply with quote #40
Prodigal, Perhaps you could give your mother some snakes to play with, though the poor snakes might die of fright when they meet your mother ;-p That would give her something to do!
Reply with quote #41
OhDear, Have a heart -- those poor snakes!! lol
NGA, I meant to ask, in all those years that you were sent to church alone as a little kid, didn't ANY adult in attendance notice? How about the priests and others who ran the church? Was there ever a single responsible grown-up who reached out to an abandoned child AT CHURCH? Good grief. What a nightmare. A new N debacle for my list.
Never Get Away
Reply with quote #42
"I dread the hour or so after the program is over because this is 'prime time' for my mother to go completely ballistic and call and verbally beat me up. Doesn't spiritual contemplation generally open one's soul to peace and joy and enlightenment?' Prodigal LOL, I haven't seen this effect ever. When I read all the crazy things these N parents have done to their children I marvel that any of us believes in anything. Prodigal, I have a great deal of angst and anger towards the folks in my mother's neighborhood, because they knowingly added to the misery by openly commenting about my lack of family in church and driving by me as I walked alone there. I never once got a ride. Maybe it is because I talked and sang to myself on the mile walk. One of those mothers went out of her way to prevent me from being in the local brownie troop. My father's issues (disabled vet with undiagnosed PTSD from WWII, drank to self medicate), my mother's flamboyant displays and lack of involvement in the community made me a pariah. And it is heartbreaking to know that the local Catholic priest advised my paternal grandparents who lived nearby to have nothing to do with me, because I was a child of an "un-sanctified union." The irony to all this is my mother was coerced by her local priest into marrying her first husband in church so that her two children could be baptized. Sigh, how wish that it might have been different.
Reply with quote #43
This is a sad thread. It is a shame that children have to go through such bs growing up and they can't do anything about it. Helpless sweet children and powerful, full of themselves adults never realizing what they are doing or more likely, not caring. It really makes me mad!
Reply with quote #44
My experience with 'n's views on religion is a somewhat different one. My 'n' mother had a beloved sister who died in her 30s. after her ordination as a Roman Catholic NUN ! Apparently, according to my mother, her deathbed wish was for me to attend convent schools and to be brought up as a Catholic. Therefore I was sent to numerous RC day schools and a RC boarding school...from age 13-16. I was confirmed into Church of England faith but only really guided by a Bible and a Prayer book given to me by my father. I was totally confused, as morals of the church did not match up with morals at home AT ALL...for instance the nun's did not swear and blind ! Funniest thing ever was when I was about 6 and the Mother Superior called my into her study...she sat me down and asked me what religion I was...I hesitated a bit..then said ' I think I'm a PROSTITUTE Mother Superior', after a deathly silence she looked down on me and said 'Don't you mean Protestant dear ?'. Remember going home that day, and asking my parents , over the dining table, what's a prostitute ???? Again silence...and then 'Where did you hear that word ?', I didn't reply but I remember thinking that I had heard it at home !!!
Reply with quote #45
P.S. I meant to type 'swear and BIND'.