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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #46 
SUE,
 
That's so funny about the word mix-up!  Sad to say, my first experience with that word was also at home.  My mom called me that when I was about 8 or 9.  The good news is that I didn't realize until much later what the word meant.
 
 
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SUE
Reply with quote  #47 
Splotchy.....I am sorry that I reminded you about the 'P' word and painful memories it brought back to you.

You got me thinking, and I suspect my mother used to call me one too. Little girls like innocently like to experiment with grown-up things, like make-up and high heels.

I recall my Dad taking me out to buy some new sandals when I was about 12, and I persuaded him to buy me some white shoes with tiny heels instead.

My mother was appalled...and so angry with my father and I think she used the 'P' word then. I remember that we had to go back to the shoe shop to return them straight away..and I remember feeling so upset and confused about things.

P.S. Apologies to all for going 'off-topic' !
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Never Get
Reply with quote  #48 

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Never Get Away
Reply with quote  #49 
Sue,

What is "bind?"

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SUE
Reply with quote  #50 
Never Get Away..

Bind means oath...as in the context of swearing on oath. I had never really thought of the meaning of 'Binding and Cursing/Swearing'. I think the expression is used too freely, and has lost it's original meaning.

I think this is why I first used the world 'blind' because to me it meant swearing without thought...in an abusive rather than a reverent way.

Hope that answers your question.
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Elcy
Reply with quote  #51 

My parents are very respected and known in their catholic church for all their public displays of charity....Know one can imagine that they are these cowardly hypocrites that will manipulate any fact just to maintain their holy identities! Any one that dares challenge their absurdities is labeled evil, immature, in need of God, and they "lovingly" offer their prayers on to you. I have to go through anger management because I have beed doomed from birth for being a very outspoken, strong, independent person that does not let anyone control me to fit their twisted world! I have to deal everyday with the label "The angry daughter who is abusive and keeps her grandchildren away from grandparents that love them...." I refuse to have my children poisened by their disgusting ways....my 8 year old has already had to deal with grandma denying she said things to him....now even my son is a liar! I need to get passed the guilt that completely removing myself from these toxic people is somehow the "ungodly" thing to do! On the surface to all my relatives I will always look like the "angry, evil daughter who can't ever let go of anything..." My life other than this is AMAZING and successful, my marriage is beautiful, and my in laws are incredible! I've had to fight my entire life for the LIFE I wanted....why do I have to feel forced to allow them to be a part of it???? ANYONE??? ADVICE PLEASE!!!!

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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #52 
SUE,
 
There is no need to apologize.  Talking about it is actually very therapeutic.
 
I was called that when my mom found out that an older relative was using me as his "girlfriend."   I wasn't even aware of what the word meant, so I didn't even know it was an insult.  
 
This relative had lots of problems and he found an easy target in me.  He didn't do anything truly horrible, but he clearly took advantage of the fact that I was a vulnerable little girl.   The stupid thing is that my parents actually encouraged us to be together.  On at least a few occasions, they saw him kiss me on the lips and do other inappropriate things.  (I was between 7 and 9 when this happened.)  They never said anything, so I didn't know any better. 
 
After my parents found out, nothing was ever mentioned to me, except the insult.  Since I didn't know what it meant, I wasn't really bothered by it.  One of my older brothers was, though.  He brought it up to me years later, as he was very troubled by the whole thing.  
 
I hope no one minds that I shared this.  It's a little off topic.  
 

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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #53 
Elcy,
 
I'm sorry.... I didn't see your post while I was posting.  I am the same way.  My mom is viewed as a saint in her church and in the community.  I try to keep my kids away from her, too.  I used to worry about how others viewed me, but I am getting less so as I get older. 
 
You need to continue to do the right thing for your kids.  Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing, but we still need to do it.  I know a lot of people think I am a bad daughter, but that beats being a bad mother any day. 
 
Stay strong!  We are on your side.
 

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SUE
Reply with quote  #54 
Splotchy,

I am so angry at your parent's ignorance...to call you such a bad name when they should have been protecting you is just wicked.

I am glad that your older brother was able to talk to you about this.

I too had an older brother, who witnessed many things. Years later he told me that there were many things that went on that I didn't know about.

Sadly he has since passed on, and I never did have that talk with him...

Yes, I agree it is very therapeutic to talk about all the madness.

I just hope that we can get it out of our systems and continue to find a way forward with a new awareness and with the spirit of true survivors.

I think the hard part is still having to care for surviving 'n' parent/s without their 'n' ings doing any more harm.

I am beginning to feel a healthier emotional detachment...so hope to soon put the past to rest and just concentrate on what needs doing for my mother on a practical level.

Please remind me if your parents are still alive or not...I am relatively new to this board and easily get muddled as to your individual stories.







,

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Prodigal
Reply with quote  #55 
"I think the hard part is still having to care for surviving 'n' parent/s without their 'n' ings doing any more harm."

Hi Sue, I don't think it's possible to come into contact with a pathological narcissist, even a very old and feeble one, without being harmed. To continue to care for an elderly N is to accept that you will continue to be harmed to some degree IMO. My only goal has become to minimize contact and greatly reduce the severity of the damage that is done to me from this point forward. I know that maybe sounds pessimistic, but it's the truth as I see it. 

As I learned to more successfully fend off my mother over the years, I would occasionally become hopeful that our relationship would reach a plateau where she would be content and dealing with her would no longer be such a misery. That never happened and I think it's important and healthy that I accept it never will. I also think that we each have to decide for ourselves whether the amount of damage our elderly charge is willing and able to inflict on us is acceptable or whether we have to walk away altogether. I have chosen for the moment to continue to try my best to look after my mother ... but it comes at a high price to my mental health and I am no longer willing to kid myself about that.

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SUE
Reply with quote  #56 
Splotchy,

Please forgive me, of course I remember now about your 'n' mom and the fact that your older brother is in rehab. I do hope that he is making some progress there...

Elcy,

I am sorry I missed your post too. I think you have every right to feel mad with your parents for their hypocritical ways. However we certainly cannot choose or change our parents...it sounds like you have made a really good life for yourself and your immediate family, I do not have any answers for you at the moment...only to say to listen to your gut feelings..they are seldom wrong..
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Prodigal
Reply with quote  #57 
"I've had to fight my entire life for the LIFE I wanted....why do I have to feel forced to allow them to be a part of it????"

Hi Elcy, I think there are three main reasons why children include parents in their adult lives. There is the happy reason: the parents were loving and supportive in the past, and continue to be loving and supportive, and joyfully add to the quality of their children and grandchildren's lives. Then there is the unhappy reason: the parents have made their children miserable, and continue to make them miserable, but have long exerted sufficient control over their tormented offspring to instill truckloads of fear, guilt, submission and a helpless sense of obligation, which is a lethally effective substitute for love freely given. 

You seem to fall into that second category and I think your escape from that trap is completely justified IMO. I know it's an oversimplification ... but you absolutely DO NOT have to allow your parents access to your life if they abuse that privilege. Because it is a privilege, not their 'right,' as much as they may view it otherwise. I know what it's like to fight for a decent and happy life, and nobody has the right to trash that even if they did deign to give birth to you.

Oh, I forgot to list the third reason. The parents are rich.

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SUE
Reply with quote  #58 
Dear Prodigal,

Have just read your post, and I do hear what you are saying.

I am still finding my way regarding the 'n' ings as my Dad took the brunt of my mother's pathological behaviour for many years. I left the 'firing line' when I was 19 and really, as my parent's only daughter, have only come back into the battleground since Dad passed on last March.

I am currently lying low, had a phone call this evening from mother to say her toilet seat was broken, she was getting her stepson to come and fix it and that the cat was her best friend...and hinted on leaving all her money to the cat's home LOL LOL

I am currently just laughing at things, but do agree with you that keeping in contact with an 'n' is not to be taken lightly...and if you are feeling at all mentally vulnerable it is best to stay away.

P.S. I cannot claim to qualify that my abusive narcissistic parent is a strict Catholic...but she is STRICT !
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Annie
Reply with quote  #59 
My N dad preached off and on my entire life. I finally got away from him and went to another church with my then 13 year old son and 11 year old daughter and  husband. My N dad started coming to my new church home. He worms his way in and becomes the new preacher there. He then starts spreading rumors about me. TO MY NEW CHURCH HOME. I stopped going. N dad barges into my home and tells my wonderful, sweet son that he is going to hell because we are not going to church (basically to hear his drivel.)

When Ndad cannot break down the door to move into my home he decided to move into the auditorium of the church building...You can't make this stuff up!!!
So, no my Ndad is not Catholic. But here is a little sliver of what a N did in my life concerning religion.
As a side note-- I still haven't found another place to worship. I will. I hope. We live in a small community and he has preached and spread rumors a number of places so I am running out of places to go.
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OhDear
Reply with quote  #60 

Your father is a very sick man.   Are your mother or your siblings in the picture?

Do you live in a conservative part of the country?   Does your father consider other parts of the country "UnGodly"?  Move there!  Once there you might be able to find a church community that is a good fit for you but not your father and he wouldn't be able to ooze in and slime your reputation.


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