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viewer
Reply with quote  #16 

Consider your hub visiting a doc for depression treatment.

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pq
Reply with quote  #17 
i gotsta second the "get hubby to the doctor" suggestion.  As someone who's got clinical depression (and who unfortunately is going through a VERY bad episode brought on by switching meds), sometimes you really need someone to lead you by the hand to get help.  of course, unfortunately one of the symptoms is often to resist help vehemently.

of course, he could be feeling down for any number of reasons, including other medical reasons.  Maybe schedule his n hers complete physicals and ask the doctor to include a depression screening?
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'daughter'(beth)
Reply with quote  #18 
interestingly enough, I suggested possible depression to him. Lead balloon. He would NEVER have depression! Not him!  You would have thought I suggested leprosy.

he will never see a doctor unless he is having a heart attack. He is one of those types. He has never seen a doctor in his life. He is a live-for-the-moment guy. He is hoping he just keels over most likely when the time comes. This is the guy who believes he will not reach the age of 60 because his mother died at 58 and his father at 59.

what he told me? "I am just tired."
oooookaaaaaaay.
as for me, I will continue to be happy, and enjoy life. I cannot go thru this. AGAIN!! I WILL not go thru this again.
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pq
Reply with quote  #19 
oh beth, i am so sorry.  unfortunately, this is far from unusual, i'm afraid.  there is still such stigma attached to depression or any mental illness (i wish the term "mental illness" would be done away with; it implies that somehow it's not a REAL illness).  when i was diagnosed, i had been trying desperately to feel better--exercise, eating well, forcing myself to not isolate--and it didn't work, so I was dying for someone to tell me "it's not your fault, it's not under your control, it's an ILLNESS."  i remember the doctor telling me that i was halfway there, just because i recognized that and was open to treatment.

have you tried approaching your husband in a moment of quiet and asking him to go to the doctor for YOUR sake?  that you know how he feels about it, and that he thinks you're overreacting and he's "just tired," and no doubt he's right.  but right or wrong, you feel like you're reliving those times with your mom and that scares you.  and his getting checked out would help YOU feel better, help YOUR well-being.

Depression is a very scary and miserable thing.  my husband is getting his first-ever exposure to depressed PQ and it's so hard for him and for me.  A depressed person needs a lot of support and understanding, and we really don't make a lot of sense (not even to ourselves) a lot of the time.  BUT...  we also have a responsibility to ourselves and those around us to do everything we can to get better. 
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Tired Daughter
Reply with quote  #20 
great post to bring back!  I used to speak to my mother every other day, until she started trying to get me to do lots of things for her, which she could do herself, or hire someone to do for her. 

I started calling her every other week--- I caught h*ll for that from her and my father for months, until they finally backed off.  I told my father that it was HIS responsibility to keep my mother happy, and not my responsibility.  Retrospectively, if someone here calls their parent every other day, I recommend a more gradual process.  That way, it will be less evident to them.

They still have their digs and requests--- even for future things like, "When I can't pay the bills anymore, can you come over once a month?"  Then, it changes to, "It would only take you a few hours a week".  I tell them to hire an accountant.  People out there may feel sorry for my parents and not honoring their requests, but they are manipulative, and paying bills for them would mean about 10 other requests each time I visited, and calls every other day about the bills.  I would gladly pay the bills of an elder who could not do it, as long as they stuck the bills in a big envelope once a week, sent them to me, and butted totally out of it, not asking me any questions...

Gosh, I really unloaded on this thread!  It hit home....


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'daughter'(beth)
Reply with quote  #21 
oh sorry, I did not mean to imply no one should reply to an old thread! I just did not want anyone waiting around for Jen to reply because it was 2 years back. I should not have said anything. 
When I first found this message board, it was in response to a thread that was about a year old. The original poster described her situation with her elderly mother, and it was exactly my own situation. I felt we were living parallel lives! It was so bizarre.

i hear you on the depression pq. A good friend of mine suffers from chronic depression. The only thing that helps her is shock treatment, which as we all know is considered by many doctors to be a quack treatment, but it actually works for her. She has tried everything else under the sun, even acupuncture. Proper exercise, diet, vitamins, tried every anti depression drug - none of it worked for her.

no, my husband does not and will not ever consider depression as a possibility in his case. I know this. He is simply a person who would never "be depressed". Yes, it is definitely a stigma with him. I really do not know what the next few years hold for me. I am worried.

anyways, back to the constant "smothering, controlling, miserable elderlies"! I did not mean to hijack.

beth
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Jess
Reply with quote  #22 
Hi everyone,

So glad i've found you all to talk to, I have always stuck up for my mother but now at 29 I think i'm starting to see things as they really are.
 I am adopted (from a baby) my dad is a wonderful man who I never have a cross word with, he is laid back, not a worrier and always has great advice, this sounds awful but I think if mum was not here me and him would have an even better relationship because she is so jealous, I cant even have a conversation with him without her wanting to know what it is about, over the years I think she has bossed him to the point where he just accepts it.
When I was growing up my mother would 'crack' me (until well into teenage years) usually around head when I was 'naughty' I cant even discuss this with her and tbh ive come to let it go I even think she would deny it now, but from this early age I think this has instilled a sense of 'fear' around my mother.She is on the whole negative, miserable, calls everyone, falls out with people and is very jealous of things unless they are on her terms. 
She also has a strange opposite side? one that will do anything for anyone, they have helped me financially with my business and will come into work to help but not accept any wage, but then she will use things against you and be a martyr over it.
For the last four years I have managed to shield my husband from her nasty side but sure enough now cracks are starting to show as she doesn't like him having an opinion on work or basically anything... 
She is super jealous of any time spent with the in laws and you can almost sense her totting up the time we have spent with them v her, I think if we had children the sharing of any care would be an absolute nightmare.
The trouble is my mum is turning into my nan who was very strict not very showing of love etc, I want to help her but is she just programmed to be like this?
She is hard to talk to and flies of the handle usually ending up in bursting into tears being the victim, I feel guilty etc etc.
The power that she has is basically quite shocking and when I know she is unhappy or likely to fly off the handle I feel physically ill.
I dont want to cut of contact, any help or advice would be greatly received thanks guys!



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I've had enough
Reply with quote  #23 
To me, my mother was an angel till I was about 7-8 yrs old. Then I started wondering whether I was adopted. She had constant fights about money issues with dad and remember going to school 1st-2nd grade while crying because I felt sad my parents were fighting. Not knowing then, I always dad was the bad guy and took my mom's side. 
Anyway, now I'm 35 just barely getting by with my job even though I'm a college graduate. Keep in mind my parents are from Africa and the culture puts a big emphasis on honoring parents especially with money gifts. It's almost like an entitlement. It doesn't matter how much you earn. We recently had a bonus at work and I've had a car accident. But mother has been pestering me to send money the minute I found a job. I've explained how I did not make enough money to deaf hears for years. So, I sent part of my savings I needed more than anything to them. Dad had never asked for anything. 
But, she always speaks for him, has made sure I do not have any relationship with any members of either her family nor dad's family. They always mean trouble none of us (my brother n myself) should be talk to any family members. 
If I send an email to an aunt and she finds out from them, she will start telling you demeaning stories about her or anyone else. 
I finally said to her she was not going to control who I talk to. She never allowed me to have friends, both her n dad would tell them I was not home when my friends would stop by. 

I was on my way to pursue a doctorate degree , she said to me she would not support me. I needed to get a job.  Liked my boyfriend even after he cheated on me, she still said he was a great guy. Never cared how I felt.

Finally, she said she did not want anything to do with me because I would not send money I didn't have. Now, she is saying I should only talk to my dad. She pulled this before, when she doesn't have her way. 

Now, I'm just ready to cut all ties. My brother is the apple of her eyes. She will do anything for him. Once she told me when I was born she wanted a boy but they told her girls bring good luck. She never cares about how her verbal abuse affects me. So, I'd like to define me for once without any guilt. 
My brother always seem to defend her I can understand his position, she pays for his law degree. 
My dad has always been passive or perhaps bullied into her will. 
I seem to have no other choice but to disappear from their lives.  
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Equality
Reply with quote  #24 
My nephew has a university friend from Nigeria, her parents who live in Africa bought her a brownstone in Brooklyn. They are obviously wealthy.

I think you are experiencing something that is not necessarily an African tradition. Your parents may be under the mistaken belief that money is easy to come by here. One of the Africans I know told me how her miserable sister took advantage of her. This woman, in a low paying and demeaning job here, loaned her sister, a teacher, the money to buy a car. Not only did the sister not pick her up at the airport when she went to Africa to visit, but she refused to pay the loan arguing "You can easily earn the money back in the USA."
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mymothersux
Reply with quote  #25 
you feel guilty because your psycho mom ahs trained you to blame yourself for the fact that she is a miserable wretch addicted to negativity- my mom is the same way, i feel like physically hurting her although i never have or would- your have nothing to be guilty about, its natural and good not to want to surround yourslf with an emotional vampire
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Rochelle
Reply with quote  #26 
I really need help in 22 years I have 2 boys and I'm still living with my mother I haven't alway been a good child but I try but I have a mother that always been controling and mentaling abusve all my life I can't get sick with out her not believing me she don't really know how to control her anger and yell to express her feelings I'm to my breaking point Im preying to keep me clam I don't want to treat my kids this way because I aways got treated like this I love my mom but as she got older it gotten worst I really don't have anyone else my dad died when I was very young so I feel she all I have but she switch up on me really fast i need help
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Kate
Reply with quote  #27 
Hi Rochelle,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, especially with two young children.  Do you work? Does your mother take care of your children?  Have you looked into going to a shelter?  I know that sounds drastic, but depending on your situation that may be the only way to get out.

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1Sillyfilly
Reply with quote  #28 
Rochelle- I hope somewhere you can find the answers you need.  But I wanted to make sure you know that just recognizing the issues and not wanting your children to be part of it is a huge step.  It wont be easy, there will be some rough times, but just look at those 2 kids and know you are doing the right thing.  If you feel comfy enough sharing a bit more of the situation, there might be more ideas that might help.
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Tricia
Reply with quote  #29 
I couldn't believe the similarities to my experiences...

I grew up the second daughter of four children. My older sister would fight with my mother constantly. She was 10 years older than me. She got pregnant and took off and married the father of the child. She has had extremely limted contact with the family since. When us younger generation of siblings talk to her, she is cold and heartless. She is weird - in the sense that she doesn't care about anybody...

Myself growing up - in simple terms, my mom was verbally abusive and mentally abusive along with maniputive and jealous of her position. She was a control freak. If I or my two younger siblings (a sister and a brother) showed any threats towards her position (intelligence or understanding of what was going on) , she would undermine things to hold her position. For example, I hated report cards or visit from relatives. If you got a good report card, she would berate you for days telling you how stupid and dumb you were. She never graduated from high school. If relatives, gave you any attention, she would contradict them. You were fat and ugly or stupid. It would go on for days as though it was a brain washing exercise!!

I was 8 when my older sister moved out. It was about this time that I started realizing the independant spirit within and the allies I had - relatives who knew mother and my father. I rebelled by excelling at school. I won scholarships and awards, was the pride and joy of my grandparents, was on the student council, and would fight my mother's brainwashing like she was the Nazis. I got my pilot's licence (to the delight of my father) and have a successful career in aviation. I married an airline captain who is fantastic and sees right thru my mother and loves my father. I live 1000 miles away and know the value of no contact except with my father.

My sister has two failed marriages (destroyed by my mother's controlling ways) and has lost custody of her two teenager children due to my mother's interference. My niece and nephew refuse to visit my sister if my mother is present. Unfortunately, my sister is living with my mom and dad along with being an alcoholic and chronic partier. My mother has destroyed her self-esteem so badly she is a lost cause.

My brother is on his second marriage. First marriage was not approved by mother and was destroyed by her too. Unfortunately, second marriage is going that route too and he too is living in their basement. He is basically useless because mom has educated him to be that way. He has a new job every week.

I spoke to my father on the phone today only because he told me it was "safe". My mom went on a trip with my sister so I didn't have to worry about her being around. He told me how he would dearly love to kick the "bums" out the house but mom would have nothing to do with it because she would have no one to control.
He told me how much he missed having a real relationship with his children. It shouldn't be like this!
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #30 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess
Hi everyone,
 
So glad i've found you all to talk to, I have always stuck up for my mother but now at 29 I think i'm starting to see things as they really are.
 I am adopted (from a baby) my dad is a wonderful man who I never have a cross word with, he is laid back, not a worrier and always has great advice, this sounds awful but I think if mum was not here me and him would have an even better relationship because she is so jealous, I cant even have a conversation with him without her wanting to know what it is about, over the years I think she has bossed him to the point where he just accepts it.
When I was growing up my mother would 'crack' me (until well into teenage years) usually around head when I was 'naughty' I cant even discuss this with her and tbh ive come to let it go I even think she would deny it now, but from this early age I think this has instilled a sense of 'fear' around my mother.She is on the whole negative, miserable, calls everyone, falls out with people and is very jealous of things unless they are on her terms. 
She also has a strange opposite side? one that will do anything for anyone, they have helped me financially with my business and will come into work to help but not accept any wage, but then she will use things against you and be a martyr over it.
For the last four years I have managed to shield my husband from her nasty side but sure enough now cracks are starting to show as she doesn't like him having an opinion on work or basically anything... 
She is super jealous of any time spent with the in laws and you can almost sense her totting up the time we have spent with them v her, I think if we had children the sharing of any care would be an absolute nightmare.
The trouble is my mum is turning into my nan who was very strict not very showing of love etc, I want to help her but is she just programmed to be like this?
She is hard to talk to and flies of the handle usually ending up in bursting into tears being the victim, I feel guilty etc etc.
The power that she has is basically quite shocking and when I know she is unhappy or likely to fly off the handle I feel physically ill.
I dont want to cut of contact, any help or advice would be greatly received thanks guys! [smile]
 
 
 
I am pretty sure we have the same mother. did you come to any resolve? 
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