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Reply with quote  #106 
Hi Just a Friend;

Do you have an Adult Protective Service in your county?  Sometimes they can help get her into a facility and keep her there by documenting that she is a danger to herself, or by documenting her self-neglect.  She may then be held in the hospital until there is an opening in an in-patient facility.  The bargaining chip may be that there are children in the house who can be harmed.  By the way, why do you let your children stay there? It seems like a very unpleasant situation to put them in.
Reply with quote  #107 
Found your site this morning.  It's been most helpful.
My story is about my mother-in-law who has apparently always been an alcoholic.  The family didn't really notice how bad (or maybe it only got bad in the past couple of years) until both she and her husband retired.  About a year later, my father-in-law left saying he couldn't live with her anymore.  A week later, 3 of us drove up (live in another state) to find her on the floor in such a state that we couldn't calm her down.  When we got to the hospital, they said we got there just in time as the next step for her was a coma.  She convince everyone that it was the combination of her medications and a 'little' alcohol-that she would take care with...said so she could get out of the hospital.  The story continues with her selling her home and moving in with my brother-in-law (at a time when his wife was in the last month of her life after a 3 month battle with lung cancer...very stressful).  She showed up drunk to the funeral which was a week and a half ago.  She then drove back to stay with the older son in another state; he told my husband she showed up drunk.  She got back home with the middle boy and he said she was drunk; he kicked her out.  Friday night she stayed in a hotel and showed up at our place Saturday morning.  My husband took her keys away and she's been silent (in between begging and pleading for her keys).  The older boy is coming down to take her back with him as his work schedule is more flexible than ours. 

After hearing the above, what advice does anyone have for how to handle this?  I agree and understand, she's living her life the way she wants.  And until she can admit to the problem, there's precious little anyone can do.  But, she's crossing a line with the drinking and driving.  Can we somehow have her car taken away - and her license?  I'm sure she'd find a way to get the alcohol (she's found an apartment and will be moving in there in a couple of weeks); but she'll no longer be driving while drunk.  That makes me so furious with what you want with your own life, but to carelessly risk anyone else that happens to be out at the same time?  Kids, pregnant women, single moms, men working hard to provide for their families...the potential for disaster is so high, but she refuses to admit she even has a problem.

I'm going to look into elder care attorneys next week; but was hoping for some sage advice in the interim.

Thanks for letting me ramble, helps just to get this out of my head.


Reply with quote  #108

Reply with quote  #109 
I just found this forum, about one month after my mother's home burned down.  I am a 31 year old law student and my mother is 64.  She's in Mass and I'm in Texas.  I  have been dealing with her alcoholism for as long as I can remember.  As is always the case, the situation has been getting progressively worse.  She dropped a candle and her house just blew up in flames, and I had her committed to 30 days of rehab.  She was found wandering in the street by a neighbor, and she hadn't called the fire dept.  She was malnourished.  She doesn't bathe or take care of herself.  She gets her retirement direct deposited into her checking, so she has money, she just doesn't use it to take care of herself.  The most pressing problem is that she's being released on February 2, 2011 and has no place to go.  The reason for that is because she absolutely refuses any kind of after care or sober living places.  Many options have been presented to her and she wants no part of any of it.

My mother's drinking has deteriorated her health to the point where I believe she has alcohol induced dementia.  As of late she has been going around using the last name of a college boyfriend that she hasn't spoken to in 30 years.  She ran up a $6,000 credit card bill that she didn't pay for 3 months.  I am desperate for advice.  I told her she couldn't come and live with me and I feel terrible but I am not equipped to deal with her behavior and the risks it poses.  I can't have my home burn down.  Please, anyone help me.  I am at a loss.  
Dee Dee in va
Reply with quote  #110 
Although it is hard to do, you must continue to approach your mother as the alcoholic she is. You didn't cause her problem and you can't fix it. You can not allow her addiction to destroy your life too.(I hope you are familiar with Alanon or similiar sources for emotional support.)

Can you talk frankly with resource people at the rehab center? This way you at least can suggest possible options for her to follow. It is possible that she is no longer able to function without professional assistance. However, resources may differ by locality and the financial state of the alcoholic.

Do not try to fix this. You can not. Alcoholism takes a terrible toll on families. If you feel guilt or other negative feelings, take care of yourself and turn your mother over to her Higher Power. I tried for 8 years to make a marriage work with a recovering alcoholic. Ego & addiction frequently drive loving relationships away. God bless. There's experience and support as well as understanding in this group. Come back as much as you need it.  
Reply with quote  #111 
Thank you very much for your reply.  I have never gone to an Al-Anon meeting but intend to do so this week.  I have been quite frank with the staff at the hospital, they know of my mother's delusions but claim that she presents normally in a psychiatric sense.  It's very frustrating because I'm the one who knows her and can see the damage.  They apparently can't.  I feel like a terrible person for not letting her live with me, but I just can't do it.  I'm guilty of enabling her for years and years, and I am not going to do it anymore.  But I'm freaking out because it's snowing in Mass and I keep thinking of how scared and desperate she must feel right now.  It's so hard to let go and I don't know how to do it.
Dee Dee in va
Reply with quote  #112 

It can be very hard to keep your own balance when you are caregiving with an aging parent. I just read the thread about shopping and realized that was me too - I help with my mom. However, active alcoholism will magnify the problems. Unless you could control every aspect of your mother's life, you would never know what is coming next. I mean like a jailer. Life revolves around their addiction. Their life and alcohol are the only reallities. You don't count.


Protecting yourself from this doesn't mean you are selfish or uncaring. It means you are rational and intelligent enough not to sacrifice your life to a situation where you are powerless. Even when alcoholics are dry and in recovery there is no guarantee they can or will change their behavior.  Your mother has lived more than 60 years pursuing what she wants. She needs to put all of her efforts into recovery. Have you ever been able to make this happen before this latest incident? Promises are meaningless.


I wished you could talk with a social worker or counselor working in this field and understand exactly what your situation is. Could you start a new thread asking for information from those with this experience? Some of the older threads don't get the same attention as newer ones. Meanwhile keep working on your own emotional support. You must take care of yourself too.  

jo wallerby wyx
Reply with quote  #113 
Hi..My boyfriend lives with his mother. He holds the key to the alcohol rationing her intake. hes not well himself and is trying to run a business his sisters are useless and leave him to deal with the care giving. they do not live with the mother. lately she has been refusing to wash ......she doesn't care. her carers who only pop in twice a day cannot force her to wash... the situation is unhealthy too me. He is always tired... she doent seem to care about him...itz becoming intolerable... when i stay i have to walk through her room to use bathroom because she refused my boyfriends idea to have an extension on house...
i don't think his 3 sisters will help unless he moves out..which he is afraid to do....because he believes she will just drink herself to an accident...if there is no control. he is there most evenings and days but when he is with me he gets calls ...because she is lonely...when we have tried to take her out...its all about her....and she is abusive.
the good daughter?
Reply with quote  #114 
Found this forum and just want to get this out.  Went to see dad on Easter to find him sitting in his own filth.  He is 85m an alcoholic for at least 70 years, a hoarder, and a very mean human being.  I have worked an ALANON program for 20 years to prepare myself for this but I am still unprepared.  Dad was admitted to the hospital where the medical staff actually boasted of him being so old and still drinking almost a case of beer a night!!!Like this was something to be PROUD of~!!
  he has lived alone up until this point with his beloved hoard: cardboard,paper, stolen items and trash that he get delivered from all of the local drug and alcoholic that come to him to fence off stolen goods! It is piled up to the ceiling and I have cleaned it out at least 3 time in my life. He will not allow anyone into the house except me and my Husband. 
I have detached years ago and am trying to "change the things that I can"...the medical staff seem to look at me like I am the most hateful and uncaring daughter in the world. 
He refuses to throw ANYTHING out and he continues to drink, fall, and not eat.  I have checked on him weekly for years and it has just been recently that he is deteriorating rapidly because of not eating and playing witht ehmice...He actually feeds the MICE but not himself! 
Somewhere deep inside my heart,  I still have HOPE.  Could he find recovery even now?  I would celebrate it.  I have always loved him and respected his position as my dad but I will not allow him to hurt me.  this much I have learned in ALANON.  Change what I can....leave the rest.
So while he has been in the hospital,  I have AGAIN cleaned out the hoard.  I have done this almost selfishly.  Partly, I just can not have him living with a roach and mouse infestation, with piles of trash to the ceiling.  No human should live in those conditions and partly ( and this may sound cruel)  I WANT him to return to the life he has chosen...I respect him enough to let him choose.
I have offered to take in him into my home about 25 minutes from his home.He knows that I live a sober life in my house and I WILL NOT enable his drinking...  He insists he want to go back to his house, his hoard and those precious green cans of Rolling Rock....  While I deeply hope that he will choose a loving, caring, family...deep down I already know what he will choose. 
This hurts me deeply but i am not going to be a saint or martyr.  I will add this to the many lessons I have learned  by having this man as my father.  I will look him squarely in the face and tell him that I threw out his hoard, the booze , his trash and I did it because THIS was something I COULD CHANGE.  and I will somehow let go of that hope and learn to accept his choice...That once again he will choose alcohol over love...and in the end  I will know I have loved him the best I could  and that he loved ME the best he could.  Thanks for listening....Elizabeth
Reply with quote  #115 

hi sue b. i'm not an acoa but i have a new post, "too old for this stuff- finally detoxing at 60+". i need to add more to it but u may read anytime. u are very, very blessed to still have your dad alive at 90. i'm blessed to still have E, almost 64, his brother, O, almost 66, and their friend P, newly 68. (3 of my bus buddies- more about bus buddies on my post) i won't take up too much space on the page except to say that a) if u have brothers and/or sisters, even similar aged cousins, they should at least call, write, email, somehow stay connected with u, and if they live close enough, share the PCA'ing with u. u did'nt say if dad lives with u, if yes, i your concern for safety but, if he still sees, hears, smells, tastes, walks, talks, and

Reply with quote  #116 

is able to use the restroom/shower, is there a way you could live close enough to call and visit as needed instead of living in the same house?

patty jubin
Reply with quote  #117 
[Sue,   Hi,  I am also in the same situation.  My mom passed away 1 year ago and my dad who has always drank but not as much as now just turned 80 and lives alone.  he drinks beer and wine from the time he wakes up till the time he goes to bed now.  he never feels good and looks 10 years older than he did 6 months ago.  I am in Nevada he is in california and i just returned from seeing him due to my brother explaining his situation.  My brother is also in california and does not know what to do.  My dad will only eat enough to survive.  1/2 of a sandwith and maybe an egg or two through out the day with no water or any other hydrating liquids.  He has always been a good dad but now we are all feeling quite helpless as what to do.  i also went to alanon and dont find the tough love quite my style as he is my dad and is going to drink anyway i cant walk away from that.   he always helped me out.    we are afraid he is going to get in an accident or fall down the stairs.  If you find some way to deal with your problem please let me know.    good luck to you.                                                                                               QUOTE=JR]For the person suffering from someone else's addiction, please remember the three "C"s.

You didn't CAUSE it.

You can't CONTROL it.

You can't CURE it.
Reply with quote  #118 

Walk away.  Sounds tough and it is.  He isn't the one who is tighed up in knots over it, you are and that is the only thing you are able to change.  I have been in the same position with my elderly father.  My mother died in 2008 and dad just spiralled downwards.  He always, always drank but now in addition has picked up a gambling addiction and gone through over $48,000.00, his whole lifes savings.  I supported him for a long time but will no longer be lied to, used or manipulated in order to support his habit.  I really struggled with my decision to walk away, ie: responsibility, guilt, obligation, loyalty issues.  But those feelings are mine and not his.  I needed a bottom line - walking away is sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
Reply with quote  #119 
I am so relieved to have found this site and to find so many souls dealing with this awful situation.

My Dad is 71 and has been a chronic alcoholic for my whole life. In the past I have cleaned his place for him, not terribly regularly, on account of that I almost grind my teeth into a pulp while doing it.

He has been paying a young (in her 30s!) woman, ex-neighbour, to clean for him. One of his more endearing traits while I was growing up was to play favorites between my sister and me. She and I no longer take part, and his work was effective enough that she and I no longer speak, it is beyond sad. This young woman has pretty much become his third daughter, to play favorites, to flatter her while deriding us. She is a decent and kind girl. I think she thinks maybe I am not such a great daughter.

She called me today to say that she had fought with him. That she no longer felt able to keep up with the cleaning, that she couldn't afford the time.

She explained that his sheets frequently have faeces on them. He once stayed at my place, slept in my daughter's bed and shat in it, then told me that the brown mark was already there.

I have attempted to have him move closer to us but ultimately he decided that he didn't want to. At some stage he announced brightly that if he moved nearer to us he'd be able to "get pissed" at my house and I could drive him home.

I have protected my children from his alcoholism, their relationship with him is unencumbered by my baggage, they are a great source of joy for him although he sees them rarely. I avoid seeing or speaking to him after he has been drinking.

I can't force him to move anywhere where he would have assistance. I can't force him to accept a council provided cleaner.

My guilt, shame, sadness and anger around this are almost unbearable.

The way things are going he will die alone and in squalor. Yet every step of the way he has chosen alcohol.

Reading these posts I feel slightly more resolved about not stepping into co-dependent behaviour and taking on regular cleaning and care. The cost to my sanity is too great. I am in great need of guidance and reassurance folks. Help?

I guess I just got lobbied pretty hard by his current co-dependent today and I'm struggling.

A bountiful and peaceful Christmas to you all.


Reply with quote  #120 

good morning, amber!  i'm so sorry for what you're going through.  It's easy to say, don't struggle, but...  don't struggle.  you're doing the right thing.  you're protecting your children and yourself.  what your father is doing, the choices he is making, is terribly sad, but those are his choices.  Your life is not less important than his.  It's just not.

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