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Amber
Reply with quote  #121 
Thank you, PQ, for brevity, clarity and compassion. Deary me, the shame is crushing but it's good to know what a common symptom that is.


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Ken
Reply with quote  #122 
Hi Sue,   

I can understand and appreciate what you must be feeling right now.  I as well have an alcoholic mother.  I am 41 yrs old and my mother is 62.  She has been off work now for 14 months as a result of cirhosis of the liver.  

She lives on here own in a basement apartment about an hour's drive from me.  She falls down quite regularly and has to be admitted to the hospital only to be discharged several hours later and repeat the process.  

She cannot eat properly and neither one of us sleeps very well.  The closer I get to her the more it hurts.  I have now today committed myself to start taking care of myself and my immediate family first and not to let her drag me down.  

My first step is this post and my next will be to attend several alanon meetings starting tomorrow evening.  I will continue to do what I can for my mom but it will be at a distance and on my own terms.  I feel bad, but a little better than I have the last 30+ years.

Sincerely, Ken
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Vicki
Reply with quote  #123 

Just found this forum this afternoon.  I have my mother living w/us for the last 2 years and she is alcoholic.  I know I didn't realize how bad she was until she moved in.  I have not been to Al-Anon yet...but I want to go.  My mom is 83 and when she's sober, that's a different story.  When she is on a binge, forget it.  She also has depression and generalized anxiety.  She doesn't want to be around anyone, or make friends, rarely wants to go out to eat, nothing.  She sometimes doesn't even want to talk to her other children who call because they live out of town.  So talk about "negativity!"  It has consumed me, upset me, caused resentment, just plain out affected our life.  I'm tired and never really thought how it affects the family.  It has gotten worse over the years.  Thankfully she doesn't drive any longer.  I'm glad to read on other posts, to "take care of yourself."  I need to remember that!  Thanks to all of you!

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pq
Reply with quote  #124 

welcome, Vicki, and i'm so so sorry about your situation.  i read somewhere that 70% of female alcoholics are self-medicating for depression, so I've no doubt about your mom's depression and anxiety.  Question:  if Mom can't drive anymore, how is she getting her alchohol?

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Naima
Reply with quote  #125 
Thanks for supporting the forum. It has helped enormously to read the posts on this issue. I have a father who is 94 and he is still actively abusing alcohol. I belong to ACOA and Al-Anon, but it only helps a little. In the ACOA groups, I am the only one who has a actively alcoholic parent. Everyone else has outlived their alcoholic parent. In the Al-Anon group, so far, everyone there has an intimate partner, sibling, or child who is actively alcoholic. Having a parent over 90 who is still using seems to be quite rare.

When I tell people that my father is still living at home they offer compliments about his longevity. Of course, inside, I know that this is not the Hollywood idea of the golden years. 

My mother keeps trying to control his disease. My brothers just look the other way and avoid going home or avoid interacting with him. This dysfunction has been going on all of my life. I try to accept what I did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure but it is very hard to do. 

I don't beg, plead, plot, scream, or coerce anymore. It does not work. But, I cannot clear it from my thoughts which means I carry an unrelenting sadness with me throughout my day in all of my affairs.
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jo wallerby wyx
Reply with quote  #126 
HI 
My boyfriends mother is in a terrible way her legs have swollen up so much she should be entered into the Guinness book of records. She has been told to stop drinking but she wont stop. She has now told J (my boyfriend)& I , that the G.P has told her she should consider a hospice. which was a shock ..I know she doesn't want to go in a hospice...So have suggested care at home with visiting nurses etc..  
She takes walfarin so that's why the alcohol is a serious problem they should not be mixed. He is in his fifty's and lives with her so takes all the stress on his shoulders ; one of his sisters live in the U.S and the others sensibly do not live with their mother...I just wondered if anyone has experienced this awful purple ankle foot swelling ?  Kind regards jo
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jo wallerby wyx
Reply with quote  #127 
HI 
My boyfriends mother is in a terrible way her legs have swollen up so much she should be entered into the Guinness book of records. She has been told to stop drinking but she wont stop. She has now told J (my boyfriend)& I , that the G.P has told her she should consider a hospice. which was a shock ..I know she doesn't want to go in a hospice...So have suggested care at home with visiting nurses etc..  
She takes walfarin so that's why the alcohol is a serious problem they should not be mixed. He is in his fifty's and lives with her so takes all the stress on his shoulders ; one of his sisters live in the U.S and the others sensibly do not live with their mother...I just wondered if anyone has experienced this awful purple ankle foot swelling ?  Kind regards jo
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pita
Reply with quote  #128 

I went through a divorce and rehab for back problem pain meds. My parents are getting older and needed help with things. I owe them a lot for the
help they have given me in the past so I move in to help them out. It's been 20 years since I lived with them. I knew they drank. Didn't know they drank this much. It's not a case of me being anti drinking , they get so drunk they piss them selves. I do my best to keep things clean. They don't shower or change clothes. I have to force them. My concern is.. I'm here with them in the house. If for whatever reason, paramedics come.....and they are found looking neglected (because they're alcoholic) can I be charged with abuse?(I don't buy their alcohol)

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pita
Reply with quote  #129 

I went through a divorce and rehab for back problem pain meds. My parents are getting older and needed help with things. I owe them a lot for the
help they have given me in the past so I move in to help them out. It's been 20 years since I lived with them. I knew they drank. Didn't know they drank this much. It's not a case of me being anti drinking , they get so drunk they piss them selves. I do my best to keep things clean. They don't shower or change clothes. I have to force them. My concern is.. I'm here with them in the house. If for whatever reason, paramedics come.....and they are found looking neglected (because they're alcoholic) can I be charged with abuse?(I don't buy their alcohol)

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Dee Dee
Reply with quote  #130 
Welcome, Pita. You will find wonderful listeners here who will share their experience to give you ideas about the choices you are making. While I can't speak from legal knowledge, I can say that most medical people easily pick up on alcoholics.

You need to follow your instincts but I would build a support system of people who have experienced this heartbreaking situation. I was married to a recovering alcoholic for 8 years and found Al-anon very helpful. This is a difficult situation without the added stresses of elder care. Make one of your priorities taking good care of yourself. 


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Inanity
Reply with quote  #131 
I can't imagine you would be charged with abuse unless your parents report that you hit them or paramedics observe bruises, cuts, or other signs of abuse.

If they have concerns about neglect, a social worker might be called in to help you develop a plan to care for them. Though I have a hard time imagining that happening, but it could.

Most paramedics, social workers and what have you have dealt with alcoholics enough to know that it is a frustrating situation for all concerned. It is not illegal to drink yourself to death and many folks seem intent on doing so. 

Wishing you all the best as you struggle with thus dreadful situation.


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rockin
Reply with quote  #132 
Both parents are alcoholics.  My father at 80, is now in a nursing home dying from the abuse of alcohol.  (Yes, he's 80...but his mother just recently died at age 97).  He is no longer a problem as he hasn't drank in probably close to 6 months due to hospitalization.  My mother is now the real problem.  She was incarcerated for 30 days 2 years ago for drinking and driving.  She no longer has a drivers license, but she continues to drink and drive.  I live 2 hours away, but get 'reports' from my brother who lives with her.   If she is in an accident and is killed, so be it.....but, I'm scared to death that she is going to take an innocent life.  She is 76 years old.  It is common for her to get drunk and then crap and or vomit in her bed, floor, etc.  We were there this last week and her bedroom smelled terrible.  Her sheets were filthy with feces and vomit and she sleeps in them like there's no problem.  We are at a complete loss.  I realize we can't make her stop drinking.  Maybe the answer is right in front of nose....but, this has created so much stress we can't see straight.  Thanks for any insights.
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janey
Reply with quote  #133 
I have just left my own home that I had been sharing with my elderly mother who has had alcohol dependence most of her adult life. Since my father's death five years ago, she has been drinking and binge drinking. I thank you for your posts. I have been reading them all and it is very helpful to know I am not alone in my experience.
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Middlegirl
Reply with quote  #134 
To all who have posted on this thread, I send you cyber support.  My folks used to drink to excess, and probably drove while impaired.  I thank goodness that no one was ever injured, but there were a few instances where the car had unexplainable scrapes and dents. 
They no longer drink that much, probably since they are both taking so many meds for health conditions, they would keel over and die if too much alcohol was ingested.

For all of you who are dealing with this, I hope that you are able to distance yourselves and minimize any danger to yourselves, whether it be physical or mental danger. 
MG
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Pailloz
Reply with quote  #135 
today was yet another day in misery, visiting with my actively drinking alcoholic/hoarding father who is 87.  97 degress and we wouldnt put on the air conditioning...pure misery
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