Reply with quote #61
Welcome, IN NEED OF SUPPORT. This is a very bad situation and could potentially lead to tragedy. This woman needs professional help, not enabling, before she hurts herself. If I were in you, I'd call Social Services and report the situation to them. Alcoholics have a way of causing havoc in their own lives and everyone around them! I commend you for trying to help, but this should not be causing you and your own family stress and should not be your problem. If her own family is unwilling and unable to help her, then Social Services is the only answer that I can think. Unfortunately, alcoholics seldom want help or will accept help for their drinking problem. Keep us updated. ~OK~
in need of support
Reply with quote #62
Thank you I have tried she had therapist out after the last time and I tried to talk to one of them and they confronted her and she lied and said she only has some sometimes..So they said ok. She has already hurt herself to where she cannot cook food for herself anymore. But as an alcoholic she has learned to manipulate me very well. This week I have taken a stand and been telling her NO becasue she would have me running some kind of errand every. I have had to stop anwering her phone calls until I am ready becasue she knows I am home and will call and call and call to get me to come over to throw bread out for the birds, fill the bird feeder or say " do you want some meat out of my freezer for dinner " and then I get over there and there are fifteen other things to do..crazy..I do not know how I got my self into this mess.. I only wanted to help her be able to stay home becasue that is what she wanted she did not want to go to a nursing home.. I was just trying to help and I did not realize the drinking thing until later..I am just so frustrated I do not like even coming home anymore. I work for the schools and I am off in the summer and so far it has not been enjoyable at all!!!Thanks for replying I cannot take it anymore she is drinving me crazy!!
in need of support
Reply with quote #63
Thank you ~OK~!!!! appreciate the advice!!!!!!I am new to this and want to say I am thankful for this I have been reading everones post and they pretty much speak how I feel. It is amaxing to me that and addict can make us feel guilty.. We are not the ones doing it.. As I said I am caring for my elderly neighbor 79 and I go from anger to pity as well, but damn it she is the one drinking and falling and breaking things, not me, she is the one who can barely care for herself because of it. I feel like I am 100 years old and no life but taking care of her. Cleaning the poop off the floor where she falls and grages herslef , cleaning up the urine wheer she lays in bed and pees herself. I cannot take it anymore!!!! I do not know how to break this freaking cycle she has me in just when I think I am she'll do something really nice and sweet for us and then of course I FEEL GUILTY.. but then it starts all over again..PLEASE SOME ADVICE!!!!!!!!!
Reply with quote #64
Have her number blocked on your phone. Another idea is to start documenting every time she calls you. Check your phone bill- maybe it will have a list of local calls and you can count how many times she calls you. Keep calling Adult Protective Services and have them see you FIRST, before they see your neighbor. Tell them everything! Keep calling her family too. Do not give up!!! THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
in need of support
Reply with quote #65
ohdear thank you
I sure feel like it is my problem and maybe that is becasue she as made me feel this way.. She has been a great neighbor until this and now we as a family want to move but are concerned about her I think we have it all messed up in our heads.SHe is a grown woman making her own fate.. I just need to feel that in me and believe that.. ya know..
Reply with quote #66
It may sound cold hearted.... but this woman is not your problem. Let Social Services handle her. I would not allow a neighbor to make my life miserable!
Reply with quote #67
in need of support, Hello and Welcome !!!! I don't have much experience with 'alcoholism'; [It didn't take much... ] But DH and I had to find-out for ourselves that we couldn't "help" a couple of alcoholic-"friends". That is like jumping-off into quick-sand WITH them. They don't want "out" ( will convince you they do)...but are more than happy to pull YOU under WITH them. Run for your Life !!!!
IN NEED OF SUPPORT
Reply with quote #68
Hello reneck and ~ok~ and oh dear thank you guys..She has been like family to us so more than a neighbor she has no children and no hubby he died so I guess that is why we are doing what we are doing but it has just become unbearable.Thank you!!! you guys are right it really is not my problem!!! i just must convince myself of that now..If she was not drinking helping her would be more normal and she would still be able to care for heself more she would have broken all her bones and now they do not work right!!...will social services put her in a home??
Reply with quote #69
Social Services will probably contact her family first and find out who is responsible for her. No..they can't and will not force her out of her home, but they can make sure that someone is responsible for her and her care. If no one is willing, they can proceed with help from the court system. You will simply get the ball rolling, so she can get the help she requires. Redneck has a way of great way of hitting the nail right on the head... minus any BS....
They don't want "out" ( will convince you they do)...but are more than happy to pull YOU under WITH them.
IN NEED OF SUPPORT
Reply with quote #70
WOW ALCOHOLICS CAN GET REALLY UGLY!!WHEN THEY DO NOT GET THEIR WAY HUH.. I HAVE LIMITED CONTACT WITH HER NOW. I ONLY TAKE HER MEALS TO HER THREE TIMES A DAY AND THEN I DO NOT GO OVER OR ANSWER MY PHONE INBETWEEN CUZ IF I DO IT IS CAN YOU GO HERE CAN YOU DO THIS CAN YOU.. CAN YOU.. CAN YOU..AHHHH RUNS ME TO DEATH!! BUT I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER I DO NOT HATE BEING HOME SO MUCH NOW SOMETIMES THE GUILT CREEPS UP AND I TELL IT TO SHUT UP!!!!CUZ I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HOME AND NOT OVER AT HER HOUSE JUST CUZ SHE CHOOSES TO DRINK AND BE ALONE!!
Reply with quote #71
My mom was an alcoholic and addict. She became elderly and sick resulting in out of control behavior like you are describing here. I have attended Al Anon meetings. Here is what I see in your story.
Your kindness is now enabling her to continue to drink and live in that home. You are enabling her. You are now (temporarily) a slave to her disease (alcoholism) and her dwindling health just like she is. You will be able to break free one way or another, but it would be best to set major boundaries. Sounds like she can no longer live alone and is using you as a crutch. Technically, she probably doesn't want to be mean to you...however, if you try to get between her and the drink or whatever she wants then she won't care about you. Alcoholism makes people very, VERY selfish, self centered. Can you go there just once a day? Three times a day is a lot. Tell her that you are busy with a lot of activities and can come no more than once a day. Something could happen anytime with her, you can't really prevent it. She is an adult. She has consequences like all the rest of us do. Get a composition book and document things in case it comes in handy later for a report for social services or whatever. Write whatever seems helpful, especially incidents that illustrate her problems, dependency, that she should have assisted living, etc.
IN NEED OF SUPPORT
Reply with quote #72
Thank you for putting it in such kind words, it has been very hard for me because i was only 19 and married when we moved in next to her and she has always been very helpful and loves my kids so much.. So this has been very hard. I feel like I am dealing with a two year old sometimes. She needs her meals and I provide them for her so I take her over breakfast before I go to work, lunch when I get home at three and then a dinner/snack about 7:00pm she has broken her hip, arm,. foot and shoulder, hand thus preventing her from being able to stand long or cook,becasue her left arm barely works now.. she can get herself dressed, go to the bathroom, tend to her cat, ect.. but cooking takes too long, after this post i bought her some frozen foods she can heat in the microwave, so if i do not feel like cooking i do not have too..(of course so far she hasn't used them she just don't eat) I guess I am getting angry now because it would not be like this if she did not drink she would not have broken all those body parts from falling and she could take care of herself..AND your right..as hard as that may be for me, I am enabling her illness.. tears!! BUT I gave her my word before I realized she was an alcoholic that I would be there for her and help her stay in her home..so now what.. go back on my word. I am so thankful for this post it has helped me to realize I am not a mean person because I have really been beating myself up over all this..TEARS!! Thanks so much from my heart
IN NEED OF SUPPORT
Reply with quote #73
i am just so fed up with alcohol, it is destroying my 2 sister in laws lives, it affected my father because his dad was a drunk and he was abusive so my dad mimicked his behavior, have an x who was an abusive alcoholic and dang it now my neighbor ..ahhhhhhhhhh just had to vent i am tired of alcoholics in my life!!! always trying to make me feel like the bad guy got a sister in law always calling for money or to get her out of jail, she still lives with my in laws and causes a scene everyday..when we say no to her oh my god all he_ _ breaks loose oh my goodness fed up!!!!! i need a break!!!!
Reply with quote #74
In Need of Support...
Oh, my heart goes out to you in this terrible situation. You have been affected by alcoholism to the max. This is way too much for you to handle by yourself. Believe it or it, there are treatment programs for elders and other kinds of help. And, no, they never go willingly without any planning. Please step out and find some professionals to help you out. This is too much for your psyche, especially with your history. You may want to start with Al Anon or do an internet search in your area, yellow pages, whoever and whatever. Apparently, seniors do well in treatment. And, here's a link on the topic with a lot of information and someone you might call: http://www.learn-about-alcoholism.com/alcoholism-in-the-elderly.html Do not do this by yourself. She is manipulating you with her sometimes niceness and you are being thrown into an enabling role. This is not good for you and it is not good for her.
Reply with quote #75
Gracenotes is right. Alcoholics get really good at 'reading people' so they learn how to manipulate them. I could see my mom doing that to me, using the 'poor little me' role all through her life, getting mad later if she didn't get her way/beer/pain pills. They learn how to offer you things to buy your loyalty later. I saw my mom do that with me and other people in her life, including the cooks and aides at the AL at the end of her life.
When the next emergency happens (and it will), that may be the time to really take some action to get her help. That is where the documentation comes in handy. Alcohol casts a long shadow on people and families. But you can live a happy, healthy life if you get help. Go sit in the back of an Al-Anon meeting in your town sometime. You don't have to say a thing and will learn a lot. Blessings...