Registered: 1490100284 Posts: 1
Reply with quote #1
Hi. I'm not sure where to start. My mother passed away 21 years ago, my father remarried a women who pushed is his family out of the picture. My father hasn't spoke to my brother in 20 years, and was estranged from me for some time. He is now going through a nasty divorce, and had two DUI. I only had insight in the beginning through his neighbor. I live 14 hours away.
Two years ago my father called and said he needed our help. My husband and two youngest packed up, sold stuff and left our home we loved. We got here, ended up living in our camper all summer in a campground. My father would not allow us to help with anything. I kept questioning why did he want us here then, he says he didn't know. One night he calls me at the campground and tells me to go the hell back where I came from, and that I was a disappointment to my mother and him. I tried figuring out what was going on to no avail. So we had to get all our things we just moved here and load them up, and head back to where we once lived. We called before hoping on the road are you sure and he told us never to call his number again. We lost everything, we were renting to own, and l9st that. A friend was gracious enough to let us camp in her driveway for a bit.
Fast forward last summer. By this time I was talking to I'm off and on on the phone. He wants our help. Come to find out he's now dealing with 2 DUI, and still the divorce. He wants us to live with him. After much hesitation and pushing from my husband is agree. This time, keeping our place 14 hours away and my oldest living in it.
I get in there contact attorneys and handle all his affairs, got his DUI stuff taken care of, got his license taken away, took him to many Dr. Appointments and just about have the divorce done. Not to mention, cleaned scrubbed his entire house, packed majority of it up because she left her crap. Finally got our kids in cyber schooling because we are not considered residents here.
The neurologist said he had a traumatic brain injury about 10 years ago, had a stroke sometime this past summer and has the start of dementia, but unsure if it's stress related or not. Long story short, we drive him everywhere. He goes to breakfast and dinner, he will not eat with us, doesn't do anything with us, constantly feels sorry for himself, saying lord just take me, thinks he has it bad, and he is financially secure. He yelled at me because my kids left a blanket on their floor. Telling me to get our stuff and get out, I'm a disappointment, I wasn't raised this way, and on and on. I've heard this several times since being here this time. He doesn't talk to me or the girls, only my husband. Calls my girls by girl and not their names. Says he didn't ask for my help with his legal stuff.
I don't believe that this is any illness talking. He knows what he's said to me. People say he shouldn't be living alone, but, I am so stressed and depressed, my girls are the same and it's wearing on all of us. Oh not to mention we are raising our Grandbaby here too. My kids and I hide in our rooms while he's here, I cry all the time. I'm torn, do I throw in the towel and go back home, I've done everything I could. Or stay here til lord knows when. I feel that it will come across that I'm horrible for leaving, there's no other family. Yet, my family is paying the price tremendously.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm lost and argue with myself of the right thing to do.
__________________ Michelle Mallory
Reply with quote #2
You are among many people who want to do the right thing for your family, your self and your parent(s). The problems are often too bug to manage to the benefit of all. Your first priority is to your self and your own spouse and children, and then cope as you can with your dad's. It is never an easy thing to live in their actual house as they are often territorial, and resentful and that's no way to live. If you can, get your own place no matter how humble, and then you can escape when it gets too much. A trailer in his back yard if nothing else.
He will not get any easier to handle any time soon. Best wishes, Violet