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onlydaughterlost

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #1 
My Mom and Step-Dad live in NY and I and my family are in VA.  My step-dad passed away Feb 22nd of this year and I always promised him that I would be sure that I did not leave my Mom in NY.  Mommy and I discussed that I would come and get her in May, since I had to look for a bigger place.

Things really started to get bad for them when Dad found out he had cancer he was (90), this was November of last year.  He had an allergic reaction to the chemo and fell very ill.  My mother called me and said that he was acting very mean to her, little did I know that the man was suffering and needed to go to the hospital.  Because I live in VA, I called some of my friends to go and check on them.  I let Mommy know and she told me that she was tired and was in the bed and did not answer the door for my friend who travelled over 20 miles late at night to see if she needed help.

I then get a call from her that Dad was taken to the hospital where he was treated for his reaction and then sent to the Rehab center to help his regain his strength.  Needless to say Dad never really recovered and he passed.  Mommy called me to let me know he had passed and my husband and I went to NY the next day.  I told her that I would make arrangements to move her to VA, and we needed to talk about finances.  I know that she was grieving so I did not press her.  She would only talk about how much she could not afford to live in her apartment, but she never really told me what she could actually afford, only that she could give me $700 toward the rent if she moved in with us.

While I was there she was having issues with her hip, so we went to the Dr. - it turned out that she needed a hip replacement, I had to get back to VA because the problems that I was having has started to get worse and I needed to see my Drs. and get back to work; she had a problem with that.  She had her surgery and I spoke with her that morning and told her that I had to have surgery and would not be able to travel right away. After my surgery, I had to have a procedure done that kept getting put off because of one reason or another.  When I call her she start acting like she is confused until she gets upset with me and the really mommy comes out, and now she is having the Rehab people call me to tell me that she does not want to go home to her house, it is too many memories and she wants to come straight to us.  I am not prepared for this, I have not found a house for us yet, because I have been ill, I have no room in my current home for her to live in.  My husband and I downsized to a 2 bedroom apartment it is only 892 sq. feet.  I have one of my sons home and there literally is no room. I thought I had until May.

She is driving me crazy, I cry all the time, I am stressing to no end and my husband is really getting upset with this.  I am 60 years old and I always feel like I am walking on eggshells with her, I do not want to hurt her, I love my mother, but I don't know how to handle this situation at all.

Someone please help me!

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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #2 
onlydaughterlost,

I completely understand your wanting to help your mom, but the fact that she is pushing your boundaries before she is even living with you suggests that you may want to reconsider what "not leaving mom in NY" really ought to look like.  I think many of us have made "deathbed" promises that we really wanted to keep, but then had to adjust once we got new information or faced new circumstances.  I'm guessing your stepdad would not want you to destroy yourself or you family just to fulfill a promise made under intense stress and without planning.  The stress of having a terminally ill parent can make us say and do a lot of things that really don't make sense once all the dust has settled.

Since your mom is currently in a safe place in rehab, I think this is the best time to reexamine just what the facts are...how much money she has, how much care she needs, how much proximity you can manage reasonably, etc.  If you are still interested in moving her in, she simply has to wait until there is an actual "spot" for her.  If she truly cannot handle that news, then I would seriously think about some other arrangement. Just because your mother wants this doesn't mean it is the best thing to do, even for her. 

It is not your responsibility to meet all your mother's requests and satisfy her emotions.  Yes, it is sad that she has memories that are challenging, but that is not a good enough reason to disrupt everyone else's life. 

You may want to have an intermediary deliver any news that you feel is too difficult to share directly with her.  Since she is passive aggressively having the rehab staff talk to you, perhaps they would be suitable ones to deliver the message back that nothing is happening at least until May.
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Vintagekelley

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Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #3 
I totally agree with splotchy; what your mom wants and what can happen may be two different things. Plus, with your recent surgery, are you capable of taking care of her? Normally after people go home to an empty house, there is another type of after care. I would talk to the rehab staff or her doctor's office and see if that option is available.

I have come to the realization that I must take care of myself first in order to take care of my mom. You need to consider yourself first! Taking care of our parents is not easy and I'm sorry that you are going through this. With that said, you have to be well if you are eventually going to contribute to her care on a daily basis. Set boundaries with her as well. I now tell my mom that I am doing things my way, since that's the only way I know how! She won't ever be happy with the way I do it, but I am ok with that.

Take care of yourself and stick to your guns.
Kelley

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Vintagekelley
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onlydaughterlost

Registered:
Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #4 
Thank you Splotchy and Vintagekelley for the encouraging words.  After everything, she has had a complete turn around... I am guessing that the Social Worker spoke with her, I am going to enjoy this quiet time, because I am sure that she will rage about something else soon.  But I am going to take your advice and take care of myself first, I cannot take care of anyone until I am right!!!![smile]  Have a Blessed Day and Thank You again!!!!!
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lata

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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #5 
Felt sad to read your story.  My mom has been a wreck ever since my father died. It is three years but she is getting from bad to worse. We dont know what to do. She just has diabetes but she feels terribly fatigued always and moans all the time. It is painful to see someone live like this. Doctors keep chaning medicines and seem clueless.
Maybe it is medicine side effects. She just takes gemer, Pioz, Tazloc, Rozavel and Nexito all for diabetes, BP and cholestrol.
She stopped taking thyoid pills a few months ago as a doctor probably wanted to reduce medicines.
What shall I do?

__________________
sree
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #6 
It could be her medicines, but it also could be depression or some other emotional issue. Has your mom been evaluated for depression? Sometimes people become depressed and anxious after a spouse's death and don't know how to manage their grief.  Depression can often manifest itself in physical symptoms such as fatigue and general pain.  

Also, if she was used to having your father there to help her or to take care of her, she may now be lost and scared about having to take care of things herself.  Sometimes all the attention of being "sick" gives  people a mechanism to get others to take care of them. 

No matter what, I hope you can find a solution.
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Holdingon
Reply with quote  #7 
I can relate. I started my new position as principal at the school where I've taught for 14 years in August. My mother fell and broke her arm just two days before school started. In October she fell and broke her wrist. In December she fell and broke her hip. She had just gotten settled in the nursing home and developed pneumonia. She recovered and was preparing for discharge when her heart went into a fib. 1st shock didn't keep it regular and we thought she would die before they could try again. She recovered, then the day she got to go back to the nursing home, my dad fell out in the snow and was outside about 3 hrs. Lifeflighted to trauma and died a week later. Mom back in hospital for copd issues and now finally in an apartment sort of on her own. Needs laundry done, grocery shopping, bill paying etc. all done for her. I am worn out, working at least 10 hrs a day at my job and then taking care of her. My house is a mess and I haven't had time to sit down and grieve for my dad. I don't know where to turn. As soon as school is out, I have 3 weeks to pack up their house for an auction and this while I'm working. How do we survive this?
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Vintagekelley

Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #8 
Dear Holdingon,

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom and dad. It's so diccult when a parent dies unexpectedly (not that a long illness is better) and you poor mom with all of her injuries!

After my dad died and my mom needed to go to assisted living, we had an estate company come in. They went through everything and set up and held the sale. It was such a godsend, as my mom was a compulsive shopper and was hoarding everything. I still have 1 storage (down from 2) but haven't had time this school year to complete purging. That's my plan this summer.

I wish you luck with that, but also you need to take care of yourself. I ended up with adrenal fatigue from all of the stress of the situations for an extended time. Leave earlier a few days a week, get someone to clean your home, and do something for you. I know principals have long hours, but your health is important.

Take care,
Vintagekelley

__________________
Vintagekelley
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Christa4

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Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #9 
Holdingon, Is there anyone giving you support? This is what I find the most challenging- the constant weight on my shoulders that it's all on me. I hope you have someone. You are dealing with a lot. To answer your question, how do we survive this? One day at a time is all I can say. In the end, you have to live with yourself. Do the best you can and forgive yourself when it's not perfect. Guilt is powerful. Don't let it consume you.

You have an important job. You are impacting people's lives for the future. Focus on how important that is. In a smaller way, even though sometimes I resent that I have responsibilities for my grandchildren, when I care for them I know I'm doing something positive for the future. (Although a lot of your job is probably just more problem solving...... You are still making a difference).
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