Reply with quote #1
Is it unreasonable selfish or evil to think my mother who doesn't drive could either take a cab or ask someone from her church to pick her up and take her there since she doesn't drive? She lives about 3 blocks from the church so it wouldn't be out of the way.
Reply with quote #2
Hi xyz, I don't think it's selfish of you to ask your mom to ride with someone or take a taxi to church! Geeeesh, it's only three blocks and surely a fellow parishioner would be glad to give your mom a ride! It seems our elders never want to put anyone to any trouble........but US! (maybe your car should/could have a dead battery in the morning?) ~OK~
Reply with quote #3
xyz, I wonder if a phone call, by you, to the clergy of that church to inform them of your mothers need to be driven to church would work some kind of miracle. I would think a clergyman could persuade some of his flock to do the decent thing and make sure a elderly person who wants to attend would have transportation there and back. Just a thought.
Reply with quote #4
Thanks guys. People have offered in the past but she refuses to go unless I take her. I feel emotionally blackmailed. Oh and she never really asks. She just has these conversations about whether or not she should go etc etc and I am supposed to offer. She doesn't like to ask for anything. I should just appear and do whatever she wants done and be invisible while I give her the illusion of being independent and never asking anybody for anything.aaaaaaargh I want to spend my Sunday mornings like I want to spend them. I want to go to a church I want to go to when I want to go by myself. I want to move away...far far away. i'm just venting
donnaf-A Soldier's Mom
Reply with quote #5
My MIL did the same thing to my DH and I. She would tell us we had to drive her and pick her up. Even if we had other plans, we had to rearrange our schedule to accomidate her. She didn't want to ask anyone else. Ane we did it until I found out she had other reasons. She wanted us (or at least my DH) to attend that church, so she thought since he had to drive her, he might as well stay and attend. It back fired on her.
Hang in there.
Reply with quote #6
Oh Boy, can I identify with this one. Mom lives in the building next to ours, and she will usually come with me early, as I am in choir and we have a mini-rehearsal on Sunday mornings. When there is a Sunday that the choir has "off", DH and I might just decide to stay home...veg and read the paper, etc. The last time this happened, I called mom and told her we weren't going and she said, "Then I won't go, either." I suggested she call one of the ladies that was so nice about giving us rides last year when we were car-less, but she didn't want to. So, it was a "guilt" Sunday morning for me. The only times she goes anywhere are Monday for food shopping, Sunday for church, and once a month the ladies luncheon with the church ladies. I know it's hard for her (Them) to give up their independence but I don't know what the problem is with calling someone else when they need a ride. Like, can't she do anything unless I take her? I hate that. ~ k ~
Reply with quote #7
My mother is now past the point where this could be an issue for us. Going to her church would be too difficult - not only too many stairs, but the pews would be too uncomfortable for her to sit with her bad back.. But there was a time when every Sunday morning would be a guilt trip for me. If I wanted to stay home with my husband (who is a different religion), SHE would go by herself and tell me later that "a nice person" greeted her, helped her out of the car and escorted her right to her pew." By this, I would understand that in her eyes, everyone attending the church knew how feeble she was - everyone EXCEPT her daughter, who was neglecting her.
I came to understand that she wanted me with her - not for my companionship or the help I could give her - but that she wanted everyone in the church to see that I was her devoted daughter. When I didn't go, she was actually embarrassed - that her daughter wouldn't care enough to escort her....I think she felt that every eye in the church was looking at the empty spot beside her. I don't really think everyone in the church was as aware of her as she thought - it must be a little egocentricity or narcissism or something that makes a person feel that they are so on display.
Reply with quote #8
Ohhh, Evil One, yes, you are being very unreasonable and selfish. What makes you think you have a right to decide anything for yourself?
Let's be reasonable. If your mother takes a cab, it will cost her money. Can't have that. Drive her there. What about your money, you ask? How dare you. It's only you. Have a church lady pick her up? How could you! What would people think? It's very important that people see her being escorted by a loving daughter, to validate her excellent parenting skills and your eternal adoration. And besides, it might inconvenience the church ladies. 3 blocks for her? How far for you? Miles? So what. It's only you. And if you don't do it, you are going to feel very, very guilty. After all, she wants it. And it's only you. Now think on it, and be reasonable.
Reply with quote #9
if she really wants to go, she'll find a way. I figure that my Mom, along with many others apparently, must not really WANT to go, unless it is made totally easy for them. Shrug! What would they do if you weren't even around?? Sit at home I guess.
I don't get too worked up about getting my mom here or there. I just figure, if she really wanted to get somewhere (hair salon, dollar store, library) she would find a way.
What happened to the wonderful pioneering and find-a-way spirit that all of our forefathers had? If I'm 74 and I'm just itching to go somewhere, I would sure find a way.
Reply with quote #10
I also wanted to add this, my mom being one of those notorious people who HATE TO ASK A NEIGHBOR or hate to ask ANYONE. Just wants everyone to read her mind.
If your parent finds a way to "get there", on their own, don't take it as a guilt trip from them. Even if they are spewing on and on about how they got there. They are probably proud of themselves that they figured it out on their own AND they are probably telling you so that you now know THEY can do this, that's all.
That may not apply to everyone's case. But I wanted to point that out in case it could apply to your case. It may not necessarily be a guilt trip. It depends on how they tell you, of course. If they are moaning and groaning about how horrible it was that they had to ask someone, and how it 'put that person out' to do it for them, then obviously they are trying to do the guilt trip. But don't worry. Secretly I bet they feel like they accomplished something - on their own.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it! Like chewing gum to the cat.