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chevy

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Posts: 7
Reply with quote  #1 
hi I have 2 sisters, we range between 49 and 62. I am troubled as I think my mother needs some help and they adamantly disagree with me. They don't want to rush her or hurt her feelings and have decided to do nothing except take my mothers meds out of the house (mom either forgets or takes double) It got a bit hot and I think they are both mad at me. I am letting it rest for a bit. I am looking for resolution of how to approach my sisters . Anyone else run into to this kind of problem? I feel like I am letting my mother down. she is 83, lives alone and relies on youngest sister who has lived in the same town the longest. Mom is experiencing forgetfulness and some confusion.
thx.
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lacjud

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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #2 
Hello and   thanks for sharing! Your mom is 83 and lives by herself? I stay with my mom and I have been her caregiver now for close to 12 years [ she is 90 ]. Have you spoken  to your moms Dr yet? You can always tell when an elderly family member needs help and it sure sounds like if she is having confusion and forgetfulness its time for her to have a live in caregiver. I would contact your moms Dr first  and see what they suggest. Your mom is the most important  person now  tend to her and I would not worry about  your other family members for now.
best of luck to you chevy...

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chevy

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Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you for your reply. I am being pro active with a few things on the go now. Reading here has shown me so much. There is so much I don't know and am learning. For one thing I see I should have this conversation with my kids as I could be in this situation in 20 years or less.
I also see there is a common thread in trying to help them without making them feel bad or challenge their ability or bruise their egos. Her safety and feeling secure are most important. She has done perfect up til the last 8 or nine months. It is by looking back that one even sees it until something happens. She was just recently to her doc and my sister was with her and she is quite healthy. It was suggested by her pharmacist to look into home care. I am driving over tomorrow to see about some aids that will make life easier for her. I do know she wants to stay in her own home and I will see if I can help her with that.
thank you for reading and listening.
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Christa4

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #4 
How are things going? I'm curious as to how you have addressed things with your sisters. I have the very same challenges & have so far failed!
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chevy

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Posts: 7
Reply with quote  #5 
hi Christa
Is it your siblings as well? I wish I had fabulous advice for you but I don't. We have had some talks and are working on moving closer to the same page. Lucky its my sisters and I love them cause it sure is frustrating. I don't feel we have the luxury of time on our side to spend too much time disagreeing. I want to try more, youngest wants us to do it all ourselves and middle sister sways back and forth. My mother, like a lot of the elderly, does not want any help so its hard. I never thought it would be this hard. I think if us 3 daughters presented a united front we could convince her to try a few things. Just to make her life a bit easier.
Reasoning and logic just don't seem to cut it so far.
I answered this earlier and lost it so sure hope this one stays!
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Christa4

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #6 
Yes, siblings just don't seem to feel much responsibility for caregiving. They live some distance away while my father lives in our home. The rare times they visit (once or twice a yr) he projects a vitality that is misleading contrasted with daily habits. I hear him talk to them on the phone and you would think he had been running laps that morning. I have directly asked them for emotional support and asked if they could each come for two 3 day weekends a year so I could get away. It was an awful conversation. They thought I was being unreasonable and each elaborated on the stress in their lives. Intellectually I've accepted they are not going to give me support, but I'm very resentful of that.
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chevy

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Posts: 7
Reply with quote  #7 
hi Christa
Unfortunately my mother has been hospitalized so some things are out of our hands. She has started testing in the hospital and there are so many things that are so confusing and so much info. We had her to the family doc for testing the week before she had an episode that that had us in the e.r. I have been in her town for 3 weeks less a couple days when I come home to look after a few things here. She is very sad and it is heartbreaking.
Seems to be human nature for some to express stress, busy lives etc. I don't know how to deal with it all. Mom is first and foremost and needs us thru these confusing and scary times. One sister knows how much time each of us are there. I honestly have no clue. We are all tired, stressed, worried and scared after 3 weeks and I suppose more emotional and vulnerable. I too resent it especially since we have enough to worry about without any extras between us. I think we need each other. But I am honestly too tired to deal with it right now. I am sorry you are not getting any support. It is very tough.
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Christa4

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #8 
I am so sorry for you, that you are going through a rough time with little support. It is so very hard to be the caregiver.

As for your mother's feelings, will she talk to you? Will she tell you how she feels if you ask her? My farher doesn't easily talk about his feelings. He mostly expresses his frustration by snapping at me and saying hurtful things. If we were left with caring for my mother, I think she would have been able to verbalize her feelings.

Drawing upon my yrs as a hospice volunteer, I would suggest you just let her know you are there. Sometimes in life all we can do is just be there. We can't solve the problems, but we can make sure the person doesn't feel alone & abandoned.

As for my siblings, my husband commented recently that he thinks they just don't want to accept things have changed or are changing. They won't deal with it til they have to. That's why they can't see that Dad is failing more & steadily -- and don't give me support when I've directly asked for it. I am building so much resentment, I just don't know if I'll get over it when he's gone. And it's not resentment of him. I could go on and on.

Please keep me posted. I am thinking of you.
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #9 
I have same issue with my brothers and sisters.My mom is 91 yrs old, oldest brother want to put her in nursing home, mom never wanted to go to nursing home, I have talked to ccac and they have suggested elder mediation. In addition I am considering legal advice. A friend of mine told me about her cousin who had similar issue and she went to court because her 6 siblings refused to pitch in for mothers care. judge ordered all 7 brothers to take turns to care for their mom one month at a time. These are extreme cases of course.
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chevy

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Posts: 7
Reply with quote  #10 
hi Christa4. Thank you so much for thinking of me. Wow, what a road its been since Aug 1st, for my mom and for myself and my sisters. I have only been home part time during all of this. My mom is now in a home where they can take care of dementia patients. She is safe and well cared for. She has a lot of mad unhappy days right now as she just wants to go home. We have been assured that this is normal and that it can take weeks for mom to adjust. But it has been heartbreaking to see her confusion and anger at not being able to go home to her house.
I think your husband is right about your siblings. It is very hard to accept that our parents change and need help. That is made even harder when the parent in question does not accept it. My sisters and I were all in denial to some degree. My youngest sister was the worse and it was hard to get her to want to make any changes. We are at a better place now but it is not ideal.
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Christa4

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #11 
I'm glad that things are better - -and thank you for taking the time to say so.
It is just so hard sometimes.
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Effieadler

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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #12 
I just can't imagine how you can allow your mom to live by herself all alone. If you 3 are willing to share the expense you can move her to an assisted living. Perhaps that can provide her a homely atmosphere. 
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Yesterday is a cancelled cheque, Tomorrow is a promisory note, Today is the only money you have. So spend it wisely.
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chevy

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Posts: 7
Reply with quote  #13 
My Mom has been in a home for elderly that need assistance for several months now. She started off in the hospital Aug 1st while we waited for an opening for a home that met her needs including dementia.  Altho she has dementia she still can do a lot for herself and has lots of memories and memory. We do have the comfort and security of knowing she is safe, cared for and her needs are being met. However she has not completely settled and there are lots of heart break days when she insists that she go home and she should have never been in there in the first place. Dementia is a very mean disease. Altho I have learned lots most days it feels like a drop in the bucket.
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