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Guilty_daughter
Reply with quote  #16 
I meant say not 'day'
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BC @A.
Reply with quote  #17 

While my folks did stay in their home,  I must emphasize..going the NH route has its own challenges..it certainly doesn't mean you are not caring for your loved one. Yes, you are still an advocate for their care..

 

Good for you, keep that fire going under their little footsies..

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pq
Reply with quote  #18 
Quote:
Yes, I guess I'm guilty of not being wonder woman - of not being able to make her happy, healthy, young.  Sounds silly, but she looks to me to take care of her, trusts me to make the decisions for her, and in this case I feel like I've failed because I can't do what she wants.  But you're right - what is the alternative - nothing that a mere mortal can do.


EXACTLY.  Nobody can give Mom what she really wants:  to be younger, to be healthy, to turn back the clock, to change reality.  This is why she is so unhappy, and none of it is in her control OR your control OR anyone's control.  It's just a sad time of life.  Period.  And I want to follow up on what Insanity mentioned, that Mom's wanting to go home is probably less wanting to truly return to a former home than wanting to turn back that clock on reality.  In fact, I believe we had a thread recently on this very topic, where someone shared that Mom WAS in her long-term home, and yet she didn't perceive herself to be home, something wasn't right about it...  because basically SHE was not the same, even if the house was.  Frankly, I doubt very very much that your mother would genuinely be happier in her own home; after all, all the other issues would not go away.  So please please don't beat yourself up, okay? 

And welcome to the board!  I'm relieved you came back after your unpleasant email bomb.  There seems to be a very persistent little troll who visits this board under various disguises, who sends these nasty emails and often contributes unhelpful one-liners of advice (you'll recognize them soon enough; they all pretty much say the same thing:  "You have to tell off your parent/sibling/whoever, let them know who's boss," that sort of thing).
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Third Sister
Reply with quote  #19 

Mystery said:

 

Quote:
Some may just be trying to give helpful advice about assertiveness.


I can't speak for all, but I personally don't find anyone's advice "helpful" unless they can explain to me how it derives from their personal experience and how it worked for them.  I don't think anybody really wants "helpful advice" from total strangers who share nothing about themselves or their own situation.  The email sniper comes off like a know-it-all who just can't resist pushing their own agenda at every opportunity.

 

Just my humble opinion.

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Guilty Daughter
Reply with quote  #20 
Quote:
EXACTLY.  Nobody can give Mom what she really wants:  to be younger, to be healthy, to turn back the clock, to change reality.  This is why she is so unhappy, and none of it is in her control OR your control OR anyone's control.  It's just a sad time of life.  Period.  And I want to follow up on what Insanity mentioned, that Mom's wanting to go home is probably less wanting to truly return to a former home than wanting to turn back that clock on reality.  In fact, I believe we had a thread recently on this very topic, where someone shared that Mom WAS in her long-term home, and yet she didn't perceive herself to be home, something wasn't right about it...  because basically SHE was not the same, even if the house was.  Frankly, I doubt very very much that your mother would genuinely be happier in her own home; after all, all the other issues would not go away.  So please please don't beat yourself up, okay? 

And welcome to the board!  I'm relieved you came back after your unpleasant email bomb.  There seems to be a very persistent little troll who visits this board under various disguises, who sends these nasty emails and often contributes unhelpful one-liners of advice (you'll recognize them soon enough; they all pretty much say the same thing:  "You have to tell off your parent/sibling/whoever, let them know who's boss," that sort of thing).


You're very right pq.  When my mother was home she was in bed most of the time - not happy then either, told the Dr. she was depressed - I haven't thought about that in a long time - kind of forgot how bad it was - and obviously so has she.  Thanks for reminding me.  She thinks she's 80.  And when she asks me how old she is and I tell her 95, she's incredulous.  In spite of the troll - this conversation has been very helpful.

I missed the message from Mystery about assertiveness.  Believe me, I've tried it.  When she first moved into the  nursing home she immediately demanded to go home - she called, and called and called, and got pretty nasty at times.  It was upsetting. When I couldn't reason with her I got very frustrated, lost my patience and was very firm. But when someone doesn't remember what you said 5 minutes after you've said it, it doesn't matter how it's presented.  It doesn't sink in.  All it did was make me feel terrible and it didn't accomplish anything. The nurses said to try to let it roll off your back. I'm getting better at it but it's still difficult.

Thank you all for your insight and advice.
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Insanity
Reply with quote  #21 
>>It's just a sad time of life.<<

Doesn't have to be. It can be a time of living in the moment, enjoying the freedom from responsibilities and worries, appreciating the company and care of others. 

I see many older people doing just that at my Mom's day program. Sure, they could mope around about how much they miss long gone spouses, friends, homes, pets, etc. As could we all.

Anyone on this board have everything they want in the world?

My Mom used to spend long hours weeping when she lived with my sister. When she came to live with us several years ago and started in with the weeping, I told her I was not interested in listening to that. She had a good life and if she didn't appreciate it, fine by me. But she would get no sympathy from me so she might as well go into her bedroom and bawl. She rarely does.

Once she was crying because she didn't want to get old. I asked her what she wanted and she told me she wanted an ice cream cone. We all got a good laugh out of that one.

Another time she was weeping because she missed her sister. I pointed out that this was the same sister that said horrible things about people, to their faces no less. The sister that she had a falling out with and didn't speak to for the last decade or so of her life. Even if bawling could bring her back, Mom wouldn't talk to her. 

She rarely weeps here at home, but every once in awhile she'll start in at her day program. She gets a great deal of sympathy there, until the staff call me and say they've done everything they could think of to redirect her but it had been two hours of solid sobbing. I drop what I'm doing, go pick her up and we spend the afternoon dusting and vacuuming. (Fortunately, our home can always use this.   

It's not that I don't think a good cry is good for a grieving soul. Because I do. But I don't see any purpose in spending the rest of your life bawling instead of enjoying what life has to offer. 



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Insanity
Reply with quote  #22 
Just wanted to add, telling someone to snap out of it does not work if they are clincally depressed. They just look at you in the most sorrowful way like you have no idea of the troubles they've seen. Clinically depressed people often, not always, benefit from anti-depressants.

I think, now this is just my opinion of course, that many people just get in a rut. They start focusing on what they don't have instead of what they do. They get some you-poor-thing sympathy and voila, that's were they focus.

My Mom carried on about missing having her own house until I pointed out that she had always hated doing housework, never cared for cooking and was endlessly frustrated trying to get the roof, the stove, the bugs etc. fixed. Now she had no worries on that front as others took care of that.

For a time she carried on about wishing she could just die. I finally pointed out that she could do that if she wanted. Just stop eating, stop drinking and stop taking her meds and she'd be pushing up daisies before the month was out. She told me she wasn't quite ready for anything that drastic. 

Sometime lack of activity will get a person feeling sort of despondent. That's an easy fix. 

But no way do I think that lack of responsibilities and cares and being able to spend your day visiting and reading and gardening and ... is cause for moping about. 
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Insanity
Reply with quote  #23 
And as for thinking that physical ailments entitles a person to sing the blues, I don't buy that either. I know plenty of people with plenty of physical problems who greet the day with a smile and are happy to be alive.

I promise I'll stop now. 
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Catherine

Registered:
Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #24 
Hi, I have send my mom to nursing home since May 2016 after a mild stroke. We moved her to a better home this March 2017. Unfortunately, she's not happy there and wanted to go back to her home about 50km from all of us. She is not safe to stay home alone although she's only at early stage of dementia. She has been complaining a lot about the homes. Well, she doesnt stay overnight at the home. She only goes around 7am and back home around 8pm with my sister.
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