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TaraG

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Posts: 28
Reply with quote  #1 
I'm 62 yrs old, work full time, and trying to take care of 89 yo mom who lives one hour away. I have never been a strong person, have high anxiety, and no kids. I feel like because I've never been a parent I have no,idea how to be a good caretaker for mom. It's physically hard for me to push her in wheelchair bc she is much heavier than I am. She gets mad when I buy her things that she needs. My out-of-state siblings offer nothing but criticism. They won't t even help out with phone calls to straighten out insurance issues etc because they have kids and although only work part time think that I have time to handle everything. I feel like I'm doing a crap job for mom and am resentful of siblings and feel like my life has become unbearable.
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Christa4

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Posts: 53
Reply with quote  #2 
It is real easy to feel resentment when you feel dumped on. They've rationalized that since you don't have kids, it's easier for you. If it weren't that, it would be rationalization based on something else.

So since you can't count on your siblings for help, who else can you turn to for at least some advice? Your mom's doctor or a nurse there, your own doctor, a local county dept of aging, a faith based group or member of the clergy?

I think our generation is facing some daunting challenges in caring for our parents.

Don't be so critical of the job you are doing. I'm not sure if you were a parent you'd feel any better prepared. How did we get to this point with so much on our shoulders? If you are like me, the situation just evolved and you're just trying to do the right thing.

Take a day at a time.
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TaraG

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Posts: 28
Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you for this. Guess I was just having a bad day. Mom hadn't seen a doc in over a year and refused to go. I finally found a doc, got her there, and doc said mom is doing pretty good, so I feel like I've accomplished something! Just need to accept that this is my job and get on with it!
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Terpin

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Posts: 13
Reply with quote  #4 
Same story here except that I have no siblings. It's really difficult to navigate the medical care system or for that matter your parents finances when you have no prior knowledge of it. It's a lot to get your arms around in the first place, and to have it all dumped on you wth no notice or planning makes it so very challenging. To top it all of, our own physical limitations play into the deal as well. Both my DH and I have hurt ourselves trying to move the parents around, and at the end of the day we're too old to do it.

Sadly most people around you don't even understand how difficult this is. They often seem completely oblivious to the process that caregivers go through, including the depression caused by 1) seeing ones parents degenerate, and 2) losing in many cases significant portions of your own life.

I just spoke with moms financial advisor the other day, and he posed the most offensive question yet, by asking me if I was paying for my parents AL costs? Keep in mind that my mother disinherited me, so I'm not feeling overly generous about covering the $150k expenses for their care.

Best of luck... keep on these boards ...it's such a great place to come when you're feeing overwhelmed, and knowing you're not alone is a big help.
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TaraG

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Posts: 28
Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you so much for this. What a great post - I'll definitely read it again whenever I get overwhelmed again. So you have to take care of your mom even tho,she disinherited you?? I am single and when I lose mom there goes my closest emotional connection

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Terpin

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Posts: 13
Reply with quote  #6 
Well my Mom is a narcissist - A term I recently embraced to explain her personality disorder. I woke up one day after I saw the terms of the family trust, and I googled "Why does my Mother hate me so much?" Up popped a great description of my life with Mom. I new she was self-centered, but I never had a name for it. At any rate, she disinherited me and left everything to UCLA.

Of course I have to ask "where are they?" when she needs me to run and get some wee-wee pads for her, or when she got stuck on a cruise ship with my sick father and they wanted to kick them off ship on Venuato with one Doc for every 250,000 residents. This kind of behavior goes way back. I honestly didn't believe she would ever leave anything to me - her only child - but it still hurts me deeply. BTW - she still lies to me, telling me she's everything to me, but frankly the damage is done, and I realize that my Mother has never really loved me, and further, that no matter what I do, she is incapable of loving me. I'm getting over this slowly, but I've known for some time that she was incapable of being a loving mother and offering unconditional love.

I discovered all this while she was living in my home, and causing great disruption. By sheer magic, I managed to get them both into an AL home, where I now live in Puerto Rico. They get great care there, and I've met some wonderful people (also adult children) who are very supportive.

This is an incredibly difficult challenge to deal with, so it's important to reach out when you need some reassurance. so many of us are struggling to get through the experience with our parents, while also wondering what will happen to us when we reach the same stage in life. One thing I know is that we need to plan in advance. One doesn't just keel over one day, or have a short lived cancer which kills us in months. No, chances are we will linger just like our parents - the difference is that we may be more sympathetic to the reality of our caretakers and or our spouses.
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