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Baddaughterdepressed

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #1 
I am in the process of building a  in-law suite onto my house for my parents. They moved in with me three months ago, so we are sharing my house-they are in the guest room. I have a good relationship with them overall, but I am getting very depressed, and have started feeling resentful. I have no privacy anymore, and my mom has taken over my kitchen and den. It's like renting a room in my own house! I love her, but I have become quite cranky and have snapped at her several times, especially when I feel like she is monitoring me, or hovering. My dad is in rehab after being in the hospital, and will be coming home soon. I know that when their place is finished, it will get better...well, I hope it will...I feel like a horrible daughter, and I feel very selfish for wanting my space back. I am hoping that this does not ruin our relationship. I am actually going to schedule an appointment with a counselor at my EAP, because I am completely not mentally in a good place right now-I'm misrible. Just wanted to see if anyone else has felt like this....
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #2 
I think most people would find it challenging to lose their privacy, space, and freedom. I don't know if you have kids, but I experience this same type of feelings when my kids come home from college and take over my house.  It's not that I don't love them or want them around.  I simply find the house "take over" overwhelming.  

You are not a bad daughter.  You are not a selfish person.  You simply want your home back as your sanctuary. 

We all need space to unwind, and that is sometimes hard to do when someone else is there. In situations like these, I think it's really important to set boundaries and put rules in place.  Everyone has a set of expectations, and sometimes they need to be discussed and managed.  

The bottom line is that this is not your mother's house.  It's yours.  She may feel comfortable doing whatever she wants in your space because she is "the parent", but in your house, she is not the parent anymore.  I think it's very tricky to find the proper line, because I doubt she sees herself as a guest who needs to abide by your rules. 

I hope the situation gets better and you can find a resolution.  In the meantime, please know you are not a bad daughter.

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Baddaughterdepressed

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you, Splotchy! After reading your post, I actually felt much better, but I let things get to me again last night. I avoid the kitchen because my mom is always in there, so sometimes I just don't eat dinner-I don't practice a large sit down meal like my mom usually wants. Then there have been times that I will get up late at night when she is in bed, and go to the kitchen to get a snack. This just started since she has been living with me, and is not something I normally do. Last night my mother pointed this out, saying "you go around saying you are eating healthy, but I know that you get up at night, go into the kitchen and eat ice cream..." kind of like she is catching me doing something wrong! So instead of doing the healthy thing, and telling her that her comment was annoying and unnecessary, when I got up and went into the kitchen late last night, I said loudly so she could hear me "Okay! I'm in the kitchen again! I am not eating ice cream, but I am eating some almonds and string cheese!" I know that I totally should have handled it differently. I could tell she was irritated this morning. I just feel constantly monitored, and she always has something to say or makes what feels like criticizing comments. Also, I tried to talk with my brother about this, and he just gave me a hard time, so I feel really isolated right now. He just gave me the "I told you so" speech. and told me to shut up because I "asked for this." Now, I feel guilty, and like I am being very petty. I am hoping that when they move into their part of the house, this will be much better! Just wanted to thank you again, and I am going to re-read your post!
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #4 
You feel like your mom is monitoring you because your mom is monitoring you.  You feel like your mom is taking over your house because she is taking over your house. You feel like she is criticizing you because she is criticizing you. You are not being petty. She is. 

You are an adult, but she is not letting you be one.  Beyond that, she is creating a lot of stress in your life and doesn't seem to notice.  Instead of treading lightly and appreciating that you have invited her into your space during a time of need, she is invading.  To me, that is not loving or kind of her.

The bottom line is that this is not what you signed up for.  If you do not feel comfortable talking to her and setting boundaries (either because it will do no good or you are reluctant to create a scene), my advice would be to find a place outside the house to retreat to ..your car, the local library, a cemetery (a great place to go if you need to cry..I've done it many times!), church, etc.  Make yourself scarce for a while and learn how to detach from her emotionally. 

If she is stable, she will eventually see that she is driving you away and may feel responsible.  If she is not, she will either get angry or ignore you because she is too self-absorbed to care....all good things to know before you let her move in permanently.  

I'm so sorry she is being this way. It is very challenging to deal with things like this.  
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Christa4

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Posts: 53
Reply with quote  #5 
I well know your feelings. I have gotten to where I dread going home - and I believe home should be our refuge against the world.
And venting to family members just gets a lecture in response telling me how I should handle things.

I tend to retreat to my bedroom. Do everything you can to make your bedroom a special place.

How is the work going now on their own space? I fear the mom may have gotten used to being in charge in YOUR kitchen. You may need to set boundaries on that.

Good luck! You are not alone.
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