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Lyn D.
Reply with quote  #31 
Good Morning
I am looking for some help and hitting brick walls every where I turn.  My mother is a 74 year old alcoholic with extreme mobility issues.  She has taken a freeloader into her home and has given him complete access to her debit card.  She has run up a equity line of credit to $27,000 and her charge cards to $4000 supplying this person with alcohol and anything else he wants including access to her car. He is spending approximately $2000 per month of her money.    She has basically cut me out of her life because i have confronted both of them with what I know.  I have contacted DSS and have been told that they cannot investigate if she is a willing participant, I have contacted attorneys and they have told me pretty much the same thing.  I'm hitting brick walls every where I turn and just wondered if anyone here could help me find another direction.  This person is bankrupting her and I know her next step is to start selling off property items to keep this guy there.   between the two of them they are going thru 1/2 gallon of whiskey per week and  4 to 5 bottles of wine a day.  Dr.'s have said to get her in for Neuro psych  exam and I kind of look at them thinking didn't you hear me when I said she's cut me out of her life? Exactly how I am I expected to get her there? 
I know my mother is an adult, I know she can do want she wants but also know that her brain is pickled and she's not making clear decisions.  Can anyone give me any suggestions? 
Reply with quote  #32 
My heart goes out to you. It is so hard to stand by and watch someone you love ruin their life. I worked on a crisis team for years and I can't tell you how many desperate calls we got from people to come and "do something" about a loved one drinking themselves to death.

Is she is not a danger to herself or others in the immediate future (drinking oneself to death does not count), going to court to gain guardianship is not really an option.

If her brain is pickled, is there any way to cajole her into putting her property into a trust to pay for her care as she ages? If she is 74 with extreme mobility issues, it is quite likely that she will need care in the not so distant future. If she blows her money on this yahoo, she will have nothing left to support her and Medicaid goes back five years on gifted assets.

This may be too complicated for her to grasp or she may be having such a good time now she doesn't want to think about this. But is there anyone in her circle of family or friends who could convince her this would be a good move?

Reply with quote  #33 
The problem with her property is that the deed is actually in my brothers name with her having Lifetime Rights to the property which allows her to move anyone in and we cannot stop it.
I've never been so frustrated and upset in my whole life.  We are starting the realize we have no legal recourse and we know that the next thing that will happen is that she will start selling items out of the home to keep this guy supported.  This honestly the most bizarre thing I have ever heard or dealt with. 
I understand that there are laws to protect the elders and they are in place for very good reason.  but it would seem like if you can prove that her finances have doubled in 6 monthes she's exhausted a equity line of credit in 6 monthes and maxxed her credit card in 6 monthes that someone other than her children would realize there is a serious problem
I just feel we're going to have a walk a way and let what is going to happen just let it happen.  She has already banned me from her home and life when I started questioning everything
Reply with quote  #34 
Hi Lyn D, I understand how hard it is to not be able to do anything while a loved one ruins their life. You have every right to be upset and frustrated. Besides Insanity's suggestion, the only thing that comes to mind is to call your local Area On Aging-(you can google it on the Internet). I am having a hard time understanding why no one thinks it is criminal to do what the freeloader is doing. Or is "stealing" from someone who is incompetent/pickled only stealing when a family member does it? Could a lawyer /the state order a competency test? ( Something that was suggested to me, but didn't apply- our elder doesn't fit any of the criteria...) It's so sad  to think how much she will lose, and that no one could prevent it. It isn't as bizarre as you think, either. I know someone who's mother went through a similar situation- without the drinking part. She wound up broke, and alone. Her choice, but sad none the less.
If you end up with no choice but to let it happen- that is so hard to do, but know at least that you tried. You have my sympathy as you watch her life unravel.

Lyn D
Reply with quote  #35 

Hi Insanity


Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement  That's funny that you mentioned family members because she is claiming that he is a nephew so I wonder if we can use that???  

We have one last appt this afternoon to see if anything can be done and I will mention the "nephew" aspect

Reply with quote  #36 
Lyn D, hope the meeting went well this afternoon.

One thing I don't understand, if the deed is in your brother's name,  how she can get an equity line of credit?

Reply with quote  #37 

There is little out there to help you, because people have the right to make bad financial decisions.I have an acquaintance who came close to financial ruin from the man she was living with. Her family got him out of her house by calling his children and demanding that they take him, because they told her that she would lose her alimony income if she continued to support him. Fear of losing her income and health benefits motivated her to go along with asking him to leave. Btw his children did not take him, they rented him a room near her.

Maybe you need to get creative. He might leave if he thinks the gravy train left the station.

Did your mother give this man traceable gifts of money over 100 dollars? If she gives him cash or buys him food and booze I doubt if there would be a problem with Medicaid.

I am as curious as Insanity, how did she secure an equity line on the house?
Reply with quote  #38 

Lyn, another possibility is to have a background check run on the freeloader. If you can find some dirt, it would probably be best not to confront your Mom, but to tell this person, you will turn him in if he doesn't vacate the premises. Then you can comfort Mom and maybe get back in her life on a new level.


What does your brother have to say about this?  If the property is in his name he just might be able to boot this person out. Life rights, at least as I understand it, is not transferable. She has a right to live there, but a lawyer may help you to find out if HE has a right to be there even at her invitation.  

Reply with quote  #39 
The background check is a great idea. Good thinking, BC.

From what I've heard, although I'll bet you an attorney versed in these matters would know far better than I, a person who has a lifetime estate needs to pay the upkeep on the house and may not rent it out or take in boarders, etc. 

Unless specified otherwise in the life estate paperwork, it generally says that she can live there until she passes on to her reward. 

Reply with quote  #40 

She must have a life estate with full powers. What a mess.
Reply with quote  #41 

So happy to have found this site.  I know it sounds crazy but its reassuring to know that I'm not the only one running into stumbling blocks when dealing with my alcoholic father.  I have washed my hands of him, but that doesn't mean that I don't worry about him on a daily basis.  He refuses to get help and no one will allow me to get help for him.  What else can I do?  Its a very sad, frustrating situation.  But I have my own family to care for. 

Hopelessly Tired
Reply with quote  #42 

Ditto, ditto, ditto.  OMG....each and every story I read on this thread sounds identical to ours.  Mother, 74, alcoholic, abuses prescription drugs, doesn't take required meds properly, suicidal, suffers from a bitter divorce, (from 30 years ago), was once a vibrant, social, professional woman, is now a recluse, overweight, suffers with rhe arthritis, lupus, is on a constant pity party, is in the hospital right this moment from falling, twice, has a dislocated shoulder and God knows what else, ambulance had to pick her up.......shall I go on?????? Oh, yes, has already been to rehab once...did NO good. At all.


I have not been to check on her at the hosp. None of us have.  I am too angry to pay a healthy visit so I sit here instead feeling tremendous guilt for leaving her at the hospital alone.


I too have realized that my brother and I probably need to seek Power of attorney over her but I dont have a clue where to begin or if it is the right thing to do. 

Any advice at all from this group would be most appreciated.   Just reading the group's posts has already been very helpful.....I sympathize with you ALL. 

Equality-hopelessly Tired
Reply with quote  #43 
Hopelessly Tired,

You can not seek power of attorney over someone. POA is something one person gives to another so that he can act as her/ his agent. I think you need to see a lawyer who will explain what you and your brother can do., which may be a guardianship.
Hopelessly Tired
Reply with quote  #44 

Thank you equality.  You can see just how clueless I am about this whole situation.  Thank you for your response.

Reply with quote  #45 
Hopelessly Tired,

If you think you are tired now, put in a few years taking care of her and you will feel like you have one foot in the grave.

What do you and your brother hope to do?
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