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t
Reply with quote  #61 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tara
Quote:
Originally Posted by caroline
Both parents are 70-71, bipolar alcoholics.  I have finally put them both (seperately) in assisted living.  Dad has no access to booze, mom does, still drinks from morning to night.  I have come to the conclusion that I am a product of my upbringing, and genetics. Double whammy.  Mother (Jan) never fails to belittle me, humiliate me, and let every one who will listen know, that her daughters just don't love her anymore.  We have both been through hell.  My sister is able to continue her therapy because she has insurance.  I have none. She and I don't speak either, unless it is necessary regarding our parents.  There is no communication other than that.  Jan canceled the holiday get together, then called me christmas eve to see if I would get her booze.  I did.  I put it on her counter, (she was still in bed), told her merry christmas and left.  She left me a voice mail that said, "merry f-ing christmas", and that I need to "lose my attitude towards her". I feel like I am just the thinnest piece of glass, and that just a look would bring me crashing down.  I hurt to the core of my being.  I take meds for my bipolar, do the things I'm supposed to do for my health, but I am still trying to swim out of the worthlessness I feel.


Caroline,
You are not your parents and you don't have to be a product of them.  It is a hard life (I am in your shoes) but I have truly found the love of Jesus.  He is my Father now and He loves me and you so very much.  I am currently dealing with a very mean dad (who was never around while I was growing up but somehow now I am having to take care of him.)  It is not easy but I couldn't do it without Jesus.  You never know what alcoholics are going to do next, it is such a burden.  I know what it is like to feel unloved by your parent, it hurts, but you know what... God says He knows the thoughts He has for you.  Plans for good and not of harm, to give you a hope and future.  May God bless you and heal your heart.  I'll pray for you 
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ktdclark
Reply with quote  #62 
I have a 78 yr old father who is an alcoholic with a diagnosis of dementia (most likely alcohol induced). I have POA over his affairs, organize homehelp, pay his bills, etc. I have spent many hours trying the rehab/counseling route, but he refuses to acknowledge the problem. He has been swindled out of $$, been hospitalized, even has a DUI and hit and run charge. (That happened a few years ago and we took his car away!) 

I have visited many assisted living places in preparation for that inevitable day.

But WE are trying to keep him in his home for as long as possible for several reasons:

1. He reversed mortgaged part of his home several years ago and if we move him ,we have to sell the house to pay the bank...

2. He gets quite angry if he is told he cannot drink. And because of his dementia diagnosis, he automatically defaults into memory care where there is NO alcohol. I fear that he will get kicked out.....house will be gone, and then what???? He CANNOT live with me! 

3. And selfishly, I am trying to not let him waste our inheritance....it sounds horrible, I know. It is his $$, but I am so angry at him for not taking care of himself. He has caused my family so much grief and time and energy...my son has seen his grandfather drop-down drunk too many times...I know I should perhaps let this go...

Anyways, it is difficult for me to know what to do next. Assisted living places around here do not seem to treat the alcohol withdrawl issue so not sure how that works?????

Any ideas?

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Fed Up w MIL
Reply with quote  #63 
Well, MIL who we knew has a drinking problem has one worse than we ever thought.  This came to light in a big way after we arranged part-time caregivers in her house.  MIL refuses the caregiving part, but orders these people around like they're bartenders.  They won't fix the drinks, she gets angry, gets ripped, and abusive.  Several have already quit.  MIL keeps vacillating that she wants more help (?) or to move out into assisted living.   But it is now obvious that she can't move into a facility and get major drunk.  Her doctor would like to see her hospitalized for detox, but she's in such denial that she says everyone is lying about her and she's not drinking.  (She actually sits on the mini-spirit bottles like a hen sitting on eggs!)  She also recently fell and banged herself up before the caregiver arrived.

She has mild cognitive impairment (at best) also so she can't be reasoned with.  So bottom line she's at home and doesn't get the care she needs but can't move into a facility of some sort either. 
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Bluemoon
Reply with quote  #64 
Hmmmmm....

How's her liver? Can it be proven that she is damaging her health with alcohol? Maybe you can Baker Act her. Her age and mental feebleness could possibly work in your favor. It would be harder with a younger, less dependant person.

Or..maybe you can just not tell her that she will be unable to obtain alcohol in an AL? Though if you do that then be careful...detox can kill if she is physically dependant enough.
Why can't her doctor order her into a detox if he knows of her problem?

I wish I could be more help...seems all I can do lately is tell people to have their elders declared incompetent.

Generally, what I learned before my mother was so far gone that she was just about a complete invalid who didn't even know who I was or who SHE is...is that our elder have rights. Firmly protected rights. If she wants to live in squallor, that's her right. If she wants to drink herself to death, that's her right. If she wants to drive caregivers away, etc....and so and so on....

Talk to a lawyer, maybe she can be proven a danger to herself. Just be aware that if you become her legal guardian, etc...it's a lot like adopting a badly behaved child.

Sometimes you just can't save people from themselves....so sorry.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas despite this sad matter.
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Bluemoon
Reply with quote  #65 
Come to think of it, where is she getting her alcohol now? Please forgive me if that info is in here somewhere...it's a long thread. :-)
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T
Reply with quote  #66 
Wow....this is like reading the story of "Life with my Mother."  We have had numerous hospital stays, her sodium levels can no longer regulate themselves, and she is in complete denial.  Each time we plead with the hospital social worker to help only to have her released as soon as all of her levels are back to normal.  She is 65 and her a vehicle.  We are trying to get her drivers license to have alcohol restrictions.  I am an only child and this all weighs very heavily on my family and 3 children as I am a constant ball of stress.  She is needy, manipulative and very selfish.  These are all characteristics that have come with the drinking.  Prior to her heavy "beer" drinking she was a nice person and had a lot of friends.  She no longer talks to her brothers and sisters and the only time she leaves her apartments is to go to the liquor store.  She is physically incapable of carrying an entire case of beer up the stairs so she carries down a grocery bag to load up a few at a time from the trunk of her car where she keeps them.  Sad.  She literally sits at her kitchen table and drink until she becomes unconscious and falls to the floor where she can remain for hours/days. 

Not sure anymore where to turn for help  [frown]
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Lost in Spae
Reply with quote  #67 
Wow, I cannot believe what I am reading.  The stories really hit home!  I am an only child with two alcoholic parents in their 70s.  I won't go into the details but after 5 years of begging, pleading with them to get their lives together, I am at the point of detachment and self protection.  I'm not sure if there is any activity in this thread, as the prior posts were a long time ago.  I appreciate the stories and comments and it helps ease my guilt from feeling that I need to step away and take care of myself now.  There is not much more that I can do for them.  They have made their decisions.
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #68 
Yup!  I think this is the healthiest way to handle parents with severe addictions (and mine had/have them.)  Until they want to change, there is little you can do to help them.  And if they are in denial, it is difficult to have a healthy relationship with them at all.  In our family's case, we try to be sure our mom is safe but even that is often out of our hands. 

The grieving process can be painful, but radically accepting the truth gives you space to take care of your own well-being.  The best case scenario is that they will see our example (of what it looks like to manage your own life), and want to have that same peace.  

Good luck!
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tracy
Reply with quote  #69 
Hi I am a recovering alcoholic, I go to AA meetings ,couldn't do it without the meetings
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tracy
Reply with quote  #70 
Hi I am a recovering alcoholic, I go to AA meetings ,couldn't do it without the meetings
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DIL305

Registered:
Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #71 
My MIL is a 65 yr old mentally ill alcoholic. Has been for 40+ years. My husband and i are at a complete loss as what to do. She goes through PCA's so much that her social worker has a hard time finding anyone willing to go work with her. If her workers dont take her to get booze she threatens them by not signing their time sheets so they cant get paid and then fires them! She gets verbally and emotionally abusive when she drinks. She refuses to leave her house unless its to go to the liquor store, which is 3 miles down the road (not helpful at all). She has been KICKED OUT of treatment facilities when was placed in them. She hasnt seen her M.D. in at least 10 years, she REFUSES to go to the dr, even when she split her head open a few years back it was a massive fight to get her to go in and get the 10 staples needed, and then instead of going in for a follow up 10 days later, she removed the staples herself!!! When she goes to see her psychiatrist (which is once, maybe twice a year) she is only in the building for 5 minutes!!!! Her pschiatric medication hasnt changed at all in 10 years!!! She lives alone, in the country, with no neighbors. She is 45 miles from us. My husband and i are in our mid 20's (he was an oppsy baby thanks in part to her drinking, and has physical disabilities because of it) and can not afford legal help nor can we afford the cost of a NH... anyone been through/going through a similar situation that has an advice? My husband has older siblings that live in a different state, who want nothing to do with her, and two of them have mental illnesses of their own (1 who has been committed over 15 times in a 12 month time span)! We are burdened with the responsibilty of dealing with her.... [frown] im worried that the stress of yhe issue is going to effect not only our sanitys but our marriage...
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #72 
I have dealt with this same situation and I have some good advice.  My father was a lifelong heavy drinker but kept it together well enough to always have a good job, and he had a stable marriage from his 40s to 70.  After he lost some responsibility at work around age 65, he became a full fledged drunk.  He would go to work for a few hours in the morning, and then go home by 11Am at the latest and handle business by phone and drink.  I'm sure he still had booze in his system those few hours he actually drove and went to call on customers, but he never got in trouble.  He went downhill mentally at that time, with signs of possible Alzheimer's but it was difficult to be sure due to the drinking.

To make a long story short, his employer let him go, he started drinking all day and night, and was hospitalized for alcohol related reasons about 5 times in a year.  His wife had enough, and dropped him off at my doorstep.  I helped him rent a place, and let him be for about a month and then he went back to the hospital.  I applied for and was granted emergency guardianship and conservatorship before he left the hospital, and placed him in a nursing home where he could not access alcohol.  He was furious, but it was best.  After about 6 weeks of sobriety I let him return to his rental with a caretaker and no control of his money.  That did not work, and he kept going to bars and ordering drinks when he had no way to pay.  He ran off 3 caretakers and wound up back in the hospital, so I put him back in the nursing home where he resides now.  He is happy about half of the time and angry the rest of the time.  It is a sad situation, but this is the best that can be done.

So my advice is this:

1.  Get guardianship.
2.  If you can't make it work for your parent living independently, put them in a nursing home and don't feel bad.  There is no place else that will work.  Assisted living does not work.
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #73 
Also, If your parent has no assets and you get guardianship/conservatorship, Medicaid will cover the cost of a nursing home.  End stage alcoholism is reason for guardianship/coservatorship.  It costs about 3-4 thousand dollars to get those things, but it comes from the estate of the person being deemed incompetent.  If they do not have that kind of money, you can download the legal documents on line and file them with the court and save some of that.  There are costs involved like guardian ad litem and court visitor fees, but it is doable even for poor families.
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #74 
Quote:
Originally Posted by caroline
Both parents are 70-71, bipolar alcoholics.  I have finally put them both (seperately) in assisted living.  Dad has no access to booze, mom does, still drinks from morning to night.  I have come to the conclusion that I am a product of my upbringing, and genetics. Double whammy.  Mother (Jan) never fails to belittle me, humiliate me, and let every one who will listen know, that her daughters just don't love her anymore.  We have both been through hell.  My sister is able to continue her therapy because she has insurance.  I have none. She and I don't speak either, unless it is necessary regarding our parents.  There is no communication other than that.  Jan canceled the holiday get together, then called me christmas eve to see if I would get her booze.  I did.  I put it on her counter, (she was still in bed), told her merry christmas and left.  She left me a voice mail that said, "merry f-ing christmas", and that I need to "lose my attitude towards her". I feel like I am just the thinnest piece of glass, and that just a look would bring me crashing down.  I hurt to the core of my being.  I take meds for my bipolar, do the things I'm supposed to do for my health, but I am still trying to swim out of the worthlessness I feel.
0
Unregistered
Reply with quote  #75 
Quote:
Originally Posted by caroline
Both parents are 70-71, bipolar alcoholics.  I have finally put them both (seperately) in assisted living.  Dad has no access to booze, mom does, still drinks from morning to night.  I have come to the conclusion that I am a product of my upbringing, and genetics. Double whammy.  Mother (Jan) never fails to belittle me, humiliate me, and let every one who will listen know, that her daughters just don't love her anymore.  We have both been through hell.  My sister is able to continue her therapy because she has insurance.  I have none. She and I don't speak either, unless it is necessary regarding our parents.  There is no communication other than that.  Jan canceled the holiday get together, then called me christmas eve to see if I would get her booze.  I did.  I put it on her counter, (she was still in bed), told her merry christmas and left.  She left me a voice mail that said, "merry f-ing christmas", and that I need to "lose my attitude towards her". I feel like I am just the thinnest piece of glass, and that just a look would bring me crashing down.  I hurt to the core of my being.  I take meds for my bipolar, do the things I'm supposed to do for my health, but I am still trying to swim out of the worthlessness I feel.



Caroline,
I'm not sure if this post is still active or not as it has been a few years, but I just stumbled accross it looking for answers(or a miracle really). I read your post though and feel such empathy towards your situation. Hopefully, you have been able to stay afloat since then, but for what its worth, I wanted to tell you that YOU ARE LOVED!!! What you have dealt with is not easy and can be extremely psychologically draining. So regardless of what the alcohol monster(as i like to call it) that is occupying your mother had said to you, please please be proud of yourself knowing that you are a wonderful human being that has done what she could do under these unfortunate circumstances. YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU ARE LOVED!!!! Please, don't ever forget that!!!
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