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Our Aging Parents > Topics > Helpless mother
 
 


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Albrighten

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Posts: 1
Posted Reply with quote  #1 
Hi, I am a 31 married mother of 3 girls (2,5,7). My mother is currently living with us (I'm an only child and my mom has been single for nearly 30 years). .

Background: since fall of 2012 my mom has been back and forth living with us. She has diabetes (that she does not take seriously) and had a toe amputated. I felt like I had no choice but have her come and stay with me. At this point we discovered she was not caring for her house at all. My husband and I helped fix up her house to be liveable. She moved back home. She was still working at the time and this lasted until fall of 2015. She had come to help my in laws take care of our 3 girls (6 months 2 yrs and 4 yrs at the time). When we got back from our weekend trip she was acting strange. I took her to the hospital where she had been ignoring her health for so long she was retaining fluid and her sugar was out of whack. We got it fixed and had her stay with us while nursing her back to health. Every day I would make sure she was good. At this point she opted for early retirement. Eventually I went back to work part time and she would watch the little girls while I was gone. Over the course of the year my husband and I separated. So I did need her to help out. Eventually we reconciled. I came home from work one day and she hasn't even gotten out of bed. I quit my job that day to stay home. Since then we got a contract on selling her house (it would need tens of thousands of dollars to be liveable again). We have told her we can't have her live here anymore and found some great retirement homes (she is only 64 and aside from mental illness diabetes high blood pressure all controlled with medicine she is ok). She is lazy, doesn't change clothes but twice a week, she is a hoarder so she buys junk and I'm left with little room in fridge pantry garage etc, she has medicine that could kill my 2 year old and she doesn't handle it with the care I would like, she is dirty- she never cleans and my two older kids refuse to go in her room or bathroom (which is the only one downstairs), she pays no rent and rarely helps is financially. She let her license expire so she can't drive but refuses to get rid of her car so we have her unusable (needs work done) car in our garage and we park on the street. I can't do it anymore but she punishes me when I don't do what she wants. She let her mom live with her while I was growing up which was great- she cooked, cleaned, did grocery shopping, errands, etc. and my mom was a single mom and needed the help but my mom does nothing. My mom acts like I owe her to care for her. She withholds love and has rude comments. We are always at odds. The whole situation has me beyond stressed. I felt like I was helping her and being a good daughter by letting her live with me. But now I believe it has caused serious issues in my marriage, lots of stress on me, and it's not good for my children to be in this environment (she has no respect for me and teaches my kids to not eat food I trained them to eat because she says it's gross and they follow, she argues with me and refuses to accept responsibility for anything- blames my kids for being kids and says she didn't let them do it they just did). I want to believe I'm doing the right thing by making her leave but I just feel guilty. Am I a bad daughter for not wanting her to live with me? How do I handle her resistance to move? I handed it over to my husband and we asked her to find somewhere this next month. He said he will evict her if she refuses. I hate that and I hope it doesn't come to that but what else do we do? Anyone have advice on how to handle this? I do not believe I should be responsible for her right now, she is capable of caring for herself just unwilling. I don't want to destroy our relationship but I don't think my marriage will survive if we don't have her leave.
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Mike Gamble

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Posts: 53
Posted Reply with quote  #2 
Hi Albrighten.

The more you do for her, the more she will expect you to do. It's called "learned helplessness!"

I recommend that you set some firm boundaries on her behavior ... what you will accept and what you won't. Take a look at our article, "How to Set Boundaries That Work for Toxic Parents, Partners and Siblings" for ideas about boundaries that work. Also, you and your husband need to decide what the specific consequences will be if she doesn't respect your boundaries. Tell her what your boundaries are, what the consequences will be, and stick to your guns.

If she continues her disruptive behavior, call your state's Adult Protective Services (or whatever they're called. You will usually find them listed under Aging Services.) Explain what's going on and ask them to do an evaluation of her with the ultimate goal of finding other living arrangements that are more suited to her (and your) needs.

It's a shame that you have to choose between her and the rest of family. But, if nothing changes, you and your family will be the ones to suffer. After all, she's the one who's painted herself into the corner.
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Chria6753

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Posts: 2
Posted Reply with quote  #3 
Why do I go on sometimes, maybe because I love my husband so much or
I just have no where to go. 
  His father has gotten worse, and will not listen. Will get mad at us
and yell at us. We are always reminding him because of his short term
memory. We have Alexa so if he wants something when we go shopping all
he needs to say is (it's name add whatever) well we even wrote down the
words for him. Because he forgets so quickly.
The year 2017 was hell for us, we been through cancer treatments, doctors
on going, hospitals 8 times, he has fallen 10 times in which cause him to
have hematomas on the brain. He has seen a neurologist and we were told the
connection from the brain to legs are not connecting correctly any more and
he will be wheel chair bound. So this doctor and 5 others he needs walker.
His short term memory to remember the walker is driving us up the wall. Also
during one of his falls he broke his glasses so bad he needed new ones. He was
told that the doctor he was given the strongest because he had glaucoma. He
been complaining his prescription was wrong. We have to tell him again and
again. Everytime it new information to him. Now he been bugging his son a
lot for stupid things and stuff he needs NOW. Last week he claim to put
on his list a brick of cheese. Now he had it on the week before and we picked
it up. I told him it wasn't on the list for the week. He yelled at us
saying she hates me. He does not know the hell we been through the on going
problems with him. He will not listen that due to his leg problem he
needs to take his showers in our bathroom because it is a walk in. His
is a tub with shower. He has sneak while we are out getting things he
want NOW, and taken his shower in his bathroom. He talks & talks on going
about nothing. Claims he is moving out, but can't even manage his pills,
he can't drive due to his sight.
 So tired of caring that we finally went to state for help nothing yet
still waiting. All we are asking for someone to watch him while we go
shopping (do not trust him) and a day for him to take shower in our
bathroom. Since 2017 on it has been him and not US.
 I want US time, the last time Dad yelled at us, I told him you have
seen eye doctor, neurologist, oncologist, radiation doctor, and his regular
doctor. We have gone out of our way to care for him, but his wants more.
His says he has no one to talk to, I remind him that he has time and time
again he has come out to bug my husband and if we go shopping he stops him
the first thing with bags in hands to talk to him. Claims he only has the
four walls well that is his fault. Told him to take a small walk just do
not forget walker. Also he has 2 bedrooms & bedroom of his own. He hasn't
slept in his bed for months.
 I have worked in a Nursing home and there are good things about it and
some bad. But the good out weights the bad. Many nusing homes are watched
over for these bad and corrected right away. He does not want to go to
nursing home where he will find people his age to talk to. Activites to keep
him busy, even take him on trips not only for shopping but other things.
The food is good and healthy. He just will not get it, Dad been with us
for a very long time, try 40 years of him. I am tired of him being in our
lives, we kept him in a warm house, hot food, love, and lots of trips.
Husband idea not mine. Many of those trips I was alone because Dad hog him
all the time.
 Now I am about to pack and just leave due to my husband's Dad. I have had
it with Dad. He will not listen, will not leave my husband and me alone,
his talking about nothing all the time, on going complainting about his glasses,
and reminding him over and over again.
 Before his cancer treatment he was ok to live with, but these treatments
have torn up his insides. He is now 88 and in remission but I would not recommend
anyone over 80 to do any treatment for cancer. He may be 87 when he started
this but never looked his age. 2017 aged him and now he look's 90 or older.
 So this is my story anyone out there want to help of advise me. I tell you
one thing, getting help is like pulling teeth. But if we were illegals it
would be handed to us on a silver plate.
 
 
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Chris Fritts
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Christa4

Registered:
Posts: 53
Posted Reply with quote  #4 
Chris - I'm sorry things are so difficult. You echo what many of us feel; that there is no help.
If you are involved in a spiritual group, I encourage you to at least seek support there. You may not get physical help, but you may be able to connect with other caregivers. I know that part of my challenges are the isolation.
I have no real advice. Just know that you are not alone.
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nerd girl

Registered:
Posts: 2
Posted Reply with quote  #5 
Chria,
Maybe you need to sit down and tell your husband how bad this is and exactly how you feel. You sound like you’re miserable and in over your head. I have a question...are you scared that your husband won’t do anything if you speak with him about it? Just a thought. What about setting boundaries with both of them? You deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve to be miserable. If hubby sees that you’re so miserable, maybe he’ll be able to see that you need help or that your FIL needs a greater amount of care than you’re able to provide. I get concerned for you because this is only going to get harder I think. Maybe hubby and you need to sit down and decide when to find other care for your FIL? These are just some ideas that I had. I hope both of you can talk about this.
Nerd girl
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Joey Kufner
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