Reply with quote #1
My mother is 82 and caused massive problems in our family with her nastiness and craziness and spite and selfishness and manipulation
I'm looking forward to her finally dying and leaving us orem ps3 of her poison and depression and misery
But I'm also aware but these feelings anger and sadness and guilt may get worse after she dies and I would just continue with her legacy of unhappiness and never be free of it
What are the experiences of other people who have lost a narcissistic parent?
Do your relationships with your siblings improve do you feel happier do you feel free of pies or is it just another different type of depression now that you can't change anything
Please tell me it gets better!
Reply with quote #2
wertas, I hesitated to reply because neither of my parents were narcissists or abusive. But since no one else has answered you, I am going to speak about what I have learned through forums.
It is very important that you come to terms with the "parent that never was" BEFORE they pass on if at all possible. There is much left unresolved if such a parent dies while you entertain hopes that there will be some "breakthrough" and they tell you they love you and are proud of you on the deathbed. It rarely happens. To see the relationship for what it is, and to see them as the sick miserable puppy that they are, is your best hope for peace when they are gone. Perhaps they are as they are because of a trauma (child abuse?), perhaps a chemical imbalance inherited or not, whatever it is, happened through no fault of yours. You are innocent of your mother's unhappiness and need to control. This is true even if the problems began with postpartem depression (and that can be so) it is NOT your fault. It is NOT because you broke a favorite plate when you were 4 or whatever history they dredge up to "keep you in your place". At this point, you decide how you will LIVE and how to live with yourself for years to come. So many people in your situation are sensitive and compassionate and well as an inflated sense of responsibility. You may not ever be at peace with a "walk away" solution, but you can be at peace with detachment, sort of seeing them from a higher plain. I really hoped some of the others here would speak from their own experience and maybe they still will. The weekend is often more active.
Reply with quote #3
Thanks for that I am new to the site so I'm still getting to understand how and when people post etc.
I wish I'd found this site years ago I'm amazed to read stories identical to my own after always feeling my mother's craziness was unique - most people tell me "oh come on she's your mother! No one hates their mother" Or more recently blame her old age as an explanation not realising I've had a lifetime of misery from her
I think the culture is uncomfortable with a mother being anything but perfect
Reply with quote #4
No mother is "perfect" but at least most manage to be mothers who nourish their children and help them grow stronger and confident. Big difference between making "mistakes" and methodically undermining a child's development for selfish reasons.
It has interested me that in families with a narcissist there seems to be a golden child and a dump everything including the kitchen sink on child. And no method to the madness except that for an N mom, the golden child is usually the male if there IS a boy. I am curious. You say your 4 siblings successfully divorced her? How do they treat you? Do they try to help YOU even if not HER?
Reply with quote #5
I have 3 brothers and a sister I'm the second oldest basically they can't stand to be around my mother so they don't bother especially my eldest brother who when my father was dying of alzheimer's don't come near more than twice in the entire 7 years even though she was the one living nearest
The other two just can't be with the emotions and have chosen to keep contact to a minimum with short visits every couple of months sometimes twice a year with different excuses
Ive rightly or wrongly chosen to look ahead of my mother's death and how that would make me feel so I've involved myself much more than is good for me but she's old frail excetera excetera
My main reason is that I want a clear conscience after she dies I've given enough energy to all this poison I don't want it continue after she's gone I want to draw a line under it and be able to say to myself I did absolutely everything a son could do and now I'm finished which I don't think my brothers and my sister will be able to do I think they'll be dealing with a lot of regret and a lot of guilt even though they have no real reason to
As for the golden child my mother is only happy when she is able to express spite and bile and she's quite indiscriminate about that - I think she's much too crazy to actually choose who she directs it towards
I've always felt that she dislike me intensely as a person even when I was a very small child choose to tell me I was a "nasty piece of work" but my brothers and my sister have similar stories
Reply with quote #6
As for their attitude about how regularly I see her they just say "I don't know how you do it"
I say to them I don't know how you can't i think it's actually quite cruel even know no one understands better than me why they stay away from her
It's an individual decision but for me avoiding her now would cause more problems after she dies inside my head and I couldn't bear that - enough already
Which is why I asked the original question on this thread find out other people's experience I'm hoping they express relief and a new beginning rather than just a continuation of a different cocktail or guilt remorse regret shame etc.
Its all crazy these people end up making us as crazy as they are - its draining
Reply with quote #7
Only one of my toxic parents has died, but here is my experience.
Just as in life, dysfunctional people make death very challenging. Right after the death, I felt very little in the way of sadness and had what I can best describe as an empty feeling. It wasn't until much later that I realized that I was actually experiencing a deep, complicated grief...one that was typical for an abused child, but very different from the mainstream grief most people have when a parent dies. So even though I appeared calm on the outside, underneath I was experiencing a tsunami of conflicting emotions. I was aching tremendously with grief (over the loss of the parental love that I should have experienced, never did, and now never would), while simultaneously celebrating the release of pain (from abuse I shouldn't have had to experience, did, and now didn't know how to process.) Internally, they seemed to cancel each other out, but in actuality they coexisted violently and later on, surfaced ferociously. The days following the death were confusing, in that I didn't know how to respond to people who expected me to be sad. Their condolences really weren't what I needed and I felt fake accepting them. I also didn't know how to respond to people who actually were experiencing grief over my parent's death, since my parent apparently was nice to them and they genuinely felt a loss. In some ways, I was annoyed that they got a part of my parent that I never got. What was most challenging for me, though, was the lack of support from people who knew me best. They offered no condolences and acted like I should have been happy about the death. While there certainly is an element of relief when abuse stops, happiness is not the emotion I had. Instead, I felt empty, lonely, confused, and very lost. Looking back, I can see that I had a huge number of needs but no way to meet them. The traditional ways people show support didn't address my particular needs, and I really didn't have the means to handle what was brewing within me. So I pretended to be fine. Over time, I identified that true source of my pain.... a profound sadness over the loss of what never could be and lots of internal destruction left in the wake of my parent's dysfunction. I realized that I had to process my feelings, release all the conflicting emotions and learn new ways of living. Once I processed my actual grief, the raw wounds healed. I think abused children grieve the loss of their parents over their whole lives, so at death, the feelings are diminished. Since I am still dealing with my other parent, I can see this reality more clearly. I suspect that at this death, I will be much better prepared for the complicated feelings and experiences. As for my siblings, my experience is that those who benefit from the dysfunction stay dysfunctional, and those who don't, try to grow and adjust. I have forgiven my parents, and try to live my life as if I had received the love they otherwise would have given me if they had not been broken. Having parents like this is hard, exhausting and painful and I sometimes question why we have to experience it, but I also try to have faith that in the end, we will be better off for having experienced this. I hope you can find some peace. Take care.
Reply with quote #8
Thank you, Splotchy, for your wonderful comment and advice. I, like many others, believed that once death occurred, you would have felt nearly instant relief because your burden had finally been lifted. Little did I suspect that you and other ACONs would feel such a deep and very different and difficult kind of grief. Thank you for enlightening everyone, including me. Your thoughts help me better understand some very important aspects of what my wife continues to go through even through it's been nearly 18 years since her divorce from her extremely narcissistic, sadistic and psychopathic ex-husband. And, she endured his abuse for 20 years. By the way, you are an excellent writer/storyteller!
Reply with quote #9
I appreciate your kind words, Mike.
Reply with quote #10
Thanks splotchy I can't tell you how helpful your words are to me and how strongly I relate to them
I have experienced the grief all my life of the child that never had his mother's love which is a massive thing and one that affected me so badly and still does which is why I have been worrying about my mother's death because I know I will not be a free of that grief
Although every monthly visit feels like a new top up of poison and I can't wait for this to stop and I know I will be free of that at least
You have confirmed a lot of my fears about my mother's death but that's a good thing because I will be able to prepare for all these terrible feelings to surface rather than hoping that I just felt happy and had a huge burden lifted which I guess was too much to ask for
What a great site this is!
Just your 1 post has helped me enormously and I'm so grateful for your honesty and self awareness
Reply with quote #11
Hello, All! I guess I am just a bit different than others I'm reading about here. As a Baby Boomer, I had a wonderful childhood, though raised very strictly, it was by two very involved & loving parents, who were active in my younger brother's and my lives. I am still told I was a good, often dramatic, outgoing, precocious child and the 'apple of my Dad's eye', though my closest relationship, as was my brother's also, was with my Mom. She gave the verbal discipline, while my Dad the physical (more on me than my brother), whether because I was the oldest, or the daughter, I never figured out. He was very controlling of me, not able to date until I was age 17, giving me curfews, but not to my brother. He even yelled, having to always 'have the last word' to my only hours-old husband, when I was 20, across the ballroom of our wedding reception .. "Have her home by midnight, son" .. I was embarrassed to tears & we left early! Now my ex-husband, he went to Viet Nam in our 2nd yr of marriage, insisting I stay that time with my parents again. Then only 9 months in Nam, he got an 'early out' of both the war & the Army, to return to his native Omaha, NE to finish his last 2 yrs of college using the GI Bill to just finish his last 2 yrs of college We were to only stay those 2 yrs there, but ended up staying 10 years ... & 2 children later. (PS I would not be able to finish my last quarter of college until I was age 38, at which time I worked full time, college part time, full time Mom & Dad to my children as he traveled a lot ...or so I thought, later to learn he had cheated on me for most of our 23 yr marriage!! ... but I still managed to also earn a 2nd college degree with full honors) Then we were able to move, for 2 yrs only, back to my home state of GA, with his job, the 'best years' my children still say of their childhood, being with my parents, their only 2 yrs they would be with my children full time, just a wonderful time cut short by their Dad's job taking us BACK to Omaha again ... this time for 15 more years, at the end my finally finding all out & divorcing him, staying 5 more years until I got my youngest child in college for 2 yrs & on here own. Then I finally got to move back to 'God's country', my native Georgia 19 yrs ago in 1996, my then fiancé (now my husband of 11 yrs) following me a year later ... and we are still together here in GA. . I would tell my Mom to talk to him & make him stop, which he would, but only for a few months, then back at me again. He didn't seem to do this to my younger brother, 5 yrs my junior, as my brother was as introverted as I am extraverted, but he, I found, had always walked cautiously 'on eggshells' around my Dad, thus staying in safe range of our Dad's 'wrath & control'. This control only popped up its ugly head here and there to me, but I never reacted to it, due to my very strict 'respect your elders' upbringing I had (even to the point of not being allowed to use pronouns in place of any adult's name!), my Mom calling me later when Dad was 'out of earshot' to apologize to me for Dad's behavior & that she would talk to him about it. This 'see-saw' went on for years ... even to present, but MUCH worse now as you will see. This, however, is when I began to see a dramatic, not so good, changes in my Dad's attitude of & behavior towards me ... my then at age 48, but his acting as if I was still the age of 21 when I first left home ... trying to 'control' me every time he saw me .... tell me what to do and how to do it, etc., which would only escalate with each year Dad had had a heart attack & angioplasty during my years in Omaha, then thyroid surgery, then other surgeries, while my Mom seemed really healthy ... until 10 yrs ago, when she got Meniere's Disease (severe vertigo), which even today Drs don't know what to do for this, & she had to quit driving a car. When they still worked as government workers for 32 (Dad) & 38 (Mom) yrs, they were very active & even belonged traveled a lot with a camping club for years,but when Dad took an early medical retirement after he injured his back 5 yrs before Mom retired, he became so fanactically involved in the world of computers, by the time Mom retired, they hardly ever traveled or went out of town much at all, except to visit family on holidays. This is when I saw my Dad's silent 'neglect' of my Mom, her telling me one day she was 'not a hunting or fishing widow, she was a computer widow'. Thus why my then Fiancé, later hubby & I tried to visit them, only an hour away, at least every other weekend. Dad's 'controlling' only happening when I went to visit them by myself, never when my husband was with me. This escalated more & more by 2007 to the point of how I wore my hair or clothes, what I said/didn't say, what I did/didn't do, etc. Dad had done this very thing to my Mom several yrs prior, her unusually calling & crying to me about his harsh criticism to the point she was talking divorce from him, but I got her to go to their Dr, who told her Dad had severe depression & he put both of my parents on antidepressants, which works wonders immediately for both of them. Mom, however, had to tell Dad it was more 'heart meds' for him, or he wouldn't have taken them. Things were great between them, but his trying to 'control' me still escalated on to 2007, when I started seeing great signs of Dementia in my Mom, not good for me, as she would less & less be able to talk reason to my Dad about me ... and literally 'protecting' me from his wrath. By 2009, w ith Mom's Dementia growing rapidly, also her having less & less 'control' over Dad's 'control' of me & less able to 'protect me' from his wrath , his behavior escalated to what I nicknamed his (in my mind & to my husband only) stage .... red face, bulging eyes, gritted teeth thro' which he literally screamed at me and balled fists ... screaming at me over the least little thing. I called their Dr. & talked to him, but he told me he could not advise or even talk to me about my parents because of ... the Elder Laws, the Privacy Act, etc. This is when I began to feel literally 'handcuffed behind my back' by all these government actions, preventing me from taking care of my parents. Dr. told me I had to have a Power of Attorney from my parents before he could talk to me at all (tho' he used to be my own Dr also!!), which Mom would have done in a heartbeat, but my controlling Dad would never allow, so I did the only thing I knew to do under these circumstances ... in 2009-2010, I wrote 3 'personal & confidential' stamped letters & envelopes to their Dr, telling him about Dad's very controlling & very irrational behavior towards me. Know what happened? I found out years later, in 2010 their Dr. showed my Dad my letters & let him read them. How unprofessional and unethical, was this? Totally out of my control. And I'm positive my Dad went ballistic when he read them, knowing (or maybe not knowing) I was writing the truth about him, & furious because I told their Dr about him. After I found about this a couple of years later, I can see how this affected Dad's behavior towards me ... even worse. Can you imagine a Dr. thinking this would have helped, instead of harmed my Dad ever worse? 'Red Hulk' During all this, in latter 2009, which made matters even worse, my poor brother died very unexpectedly, catching us all off guard, of a supposed massive heart attack (tho' my parents, husband & I suspected foul play on the part of my brother's wife's son she had at age 15, now in his early 30s & whom my brother was never allowed by his wife to discipline her son at all as he grew up, this son of hers became a smoking/drinking/doping juvenile delinquent to jailed adult who is STILL in & out of jail to this day). My brother died, only age 56, on the cold tile floor of a Waffle house, within 10 minutes .... in front of both of my parents ... the paramedics arriving 20 minutes after he was already gone. So I know this really, really affected my parents, especially my poor Mom, her Dementia so severe by then, she didn't even know 'how to mourn for or cry for' my brother. It was hard for Dad to lose his only son, his namesake, & tho' he never directly said, it was very evidently implied indirectly, he had wished I had died instead of my brother. A very religious man, he also lost his faith in God for taking his son from him. Mom had done everything in their marriage, though she always worked full time also ... all the cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, finances, bills, all important biz matters, and spoiled my Dad who just had to wake up & do as he pleased each day. So in late 2010 to early 2011, when Mom could no longer do any of these things, including dispensing all the medicines they were both on by then and remembering the several times a day they needed to take them ... my Dad had not a clue how to do any of these things. The electricity had to go off one day for him to remember the bills needed to be paid ...he didn't know how to cook, so they went out for all their meals ... he didn't know how to wash their clothes, so he took everything, including their underwear & socks to the cleaners paying bills each time of $100+ ... and worst of all, tho' I tried to step in & do this for them, he didn't know how to dispense their meds, so unbeknownst to all of us, he just quit giving Mom or himself any of their meds until his blood pressure went berserk & he had to go to their Dr , his admitting to him, they BOTH had not had their meds for NINE months! Dr. then started home care for them at their house, but they were only there 2 days a week, so sure Dad still did nothing for the other 5 days a week! They could also no longer take care of their house & yards (my hubby & I had been doing this for several years by 2011), so Dad decided on his own to hire this untrained, unlicensed, unskilled woman to help my Mom, do things for both of them, etc., but the day I met her all I saw was $ signs in her eyes, her constant flirting with my Dad & didn't pay one second of attention to my Mom, now in severe Dementia, AT ALL ... in only the half day I spent with them!! Tried to tell my Dad, he got more belligerent, telling me she was their 'friend' & did more for them than I ever did (grand insult), so later he knew I was right, for money & quite a bit of my Mom's jewelry we were to discover later had been stolen by her,. Somehow, my young niece finally convincing my Dad 6 months after I'd been trying ... to fire her, she was NO good to them at all!! In the last 6 months of 2011, I had FOUR surgeries ... 15 kidney stones blasted in each kidney, cataracts removed from both eyes & what the Drs thought was a 'silent heart attack' as my EKGs were OFF the chart, but ended up being because I have always had scoliosis, then had shrunk 3.5" in my older age, causing my spine to 'crunch' even more, needing to go outward or inward, being the latter & my spine presses against the back of both of my lungs, causing an unusual, un-medically named, respiratory condition my Drs just called 'structural respiratory condition'. I had never been to Drs & in hospitals so much, normally VERY healthy, which many tests, including the stress test showing I was otherwise VERY healthy still with a VERY good heart for my age per my new Cardiologist!! So what happened to me all of a sudden? I am just right NOW learning it was all indirectly caused by a combination of my stress of my Dad's continual behavior AND the oncoming stress of my being a caregiver to my aging parents entering the last years of their lives!! I thought the worse was over by the end of 2011, but far from it. To be continued ... see next post.
Reply with quote #12
(Continued from before)
Backtracking a moment, 2010-2011, I need to insert how not only was Dad's bullying, verbally abusive behavior increasing & my sweet Mom's Dementia declining rapidly, Dad's hereditary Macular Degeneration of his eyes, had gotten a LOT worse, his driving with NO perieral vision, having many, many accidents, totaling TWO cars & each time sending them both to the hospital, my Mom hurt the most with fractured ribs, fractured leg & arm bones, Dad with just a few bumps & bruises. I cannot imagine what their car insurance escalated to!! He was not only a danger to them, he was endangering everyone else on the road. I called the DMV, but they were NO help ... and I could not call their eye doctor either!! Dad had already been telling anyone & everyone who would listen to him, that I was 'trying to take over their lives and take all their money' ... & people who had known me most of my life, knowing I was NOT this kind of person or daughter AT ALL, were calling me right & left, wanting to know what was WRONG with my Dad & WHY was he talking about me like this!!! Remember when Mickey Rooney, the actor, went on public TV saying his son was 'trying to take over his life & take all his money'? About a week later, it was announced Mickey had severe Alzheimer's. So remembering this, plus my extensive research on this disease, plus my 2 Alzheimer's counselors, I was totally convinced now he had Alzheimer's. Only last year (2014) did I learn Dad's Mom had had not only Severe Depression, had several mental breakdowns & institutionalized about 4 times in the past, she also had Alzheimer's the last 5 yrs of her life, when she just sat staring into space, totally unaware & unresponsive to her environment. She died at age 96 from simply 'failure of her old heart', not her Alzheimer's. During these 2 yrs, I also started calling my aunts & uncles for their help with my Dad. But with their knowing him 60+ yrs now, they knew how he could be, had been & still was, they were 'afraid' to intervene & help me. I was certain if we ALL had a family meeting, Dad would hopefully not act out to me (or maybe my aunts & uncle NEEDED to see his behavior instead of just not believing it was as bad as I was telling them), he would finally listen to ALL of us, but NO DICE, they were all afraid he would get just as mad at them as he was at me ... & 'disown' them also like he did his youngest sister 25+ yrs ago .. & basically now me ... & not allow them to ever see my Mom again!! I did not see, until recently, this was a 'generation gap', they all being from 'the old school' who had NO hindrances or awareness of anything like Elder Laws, Privacy Acts, etc. to stop them from taking care of their parents & family members, so were clueless what I was having to now go through. In more desperation, I also turned to my 2 grown children, tho' they lived 1000 & 1200 miles from me, but realized I was also not jiving with their 'spoiled, self-centered, me-me-me' generation either!! Neither of them wanted to 'become involved' either, or have their Granddaddy 'disown' them either!! So, I had to continue on my own. I had already been researching Dementia & Alzheimer's extensively for 4 yrs, on the computer, calling their Associations & getting phone counselors there to help me, talking to my own Drs about my parents' declining health & behaviors, & I knew for a fact already, by 2 of Mom's meds, she had Dementia and discovered my Dad had ALL TOP TEN SIGNS of ALZHEMIER'S!!!Then during my 'rest at home' recoveries from these 4 surgeries, in latter 2011, my Dad's bullying, verbally abusive behavior became even more escalated against me, as much as my sweet Mom became less & less able, with her declining Dementia, to keep my Dad in check and me protected. One day after a bad episode with my Dad, I traveled back home & right away turned to my computer again & 'Red Hulk' simply Googled ... guess what multiple search pages came up as results? 'mean old parent' I knew the word & knew the old mythological story about Narcissus, but looked up the NARCISSTIC PARENTS!!!! real meanings of this word ... I was shocked, they described my Dad almost to the nth degree!! An adjective I would have never, before this, even thought of using to describe my Dad ... at all ... but he was ... and IS narcisstic also!!! I even found a forum, much like this one, & the more stories I read about other people's narcisstic parent(s), I felt as if some of these people had been peeking in a window seeing how my Dad had been treating me all of my life, escalating to very bad levels by this time!! It was scary to read these, the hair raising on my neck & my arms in shock! I joined the forum, still a member, but it is more a place to vent & 'compare', & personal advice, not anything I could use to improve my relations with my Dad, professionally or otherwise. Yet strangely comforting, at the same time, 'I was NOT alone in this place I was in in my life now'. These literal 'strangers' were more helping and comforting to me than my own family!! By 2012, 'the year of clear revolutions' I call it, I had been waiting 3 yrs to get into GA's Disability court since my application, because they were 3000 (!!) cases behind, so on our very limited income, I did not have the money to go to court to get Guardianship/Conservatorship, which I had also already extensively researched the how's & when's to do this. I also made a BIG mistake by telling my aunts & uncle my intentions, which would come back to slap me in the face. In April, 2012, my court date for Disability arrived, I was awarded this as well as the 3 yrs 'back pay', so I was set to get the Guardianship now. But my aunts & uncles, knowing Dad's already bad behavior against me, thought my doing this would make matters between us even worse, so they TOLD MY DAD! He immediately sought legal advice and, BEHIND MY BACK he made my maternal uncle & my brother's then age 25, going on age 14, extremely immature daughter .... his Powers of Attorney!!!!! Nothing told to me at all, things have a way of getting back around to you ... & they did come back to me only 2 wks later. I was hurt by all involved, I was devastated, I wanted to disown them all ... & I didn't talk to any of them for about 6 weeks. To add insult to injury, my Dad changed the locks on their house after they went to Asst Living ... to keep me out. Stress was MAX on me: my worry over my parents, my worry about getting my disability, my own health, my begging of my family who fearfully would NOT help me at all & Dad's behavior silently escalated to whole NEW levels. In April 2012 Mom & Dad went 1 month to an Asst Living, fancy, expensive, no lockdown for Mom, no on grounds Hospice care. They asked about his Veteran (WWII) Benefits, he had no clue, so they sent him to an attorney in a nearby town whom most of their residents used for her to help him .... ended up w/the only attorney I'd interviewed in 2011 I liked & would have chosen once I got my Disability & could pay her retainer!! So there went that! This is when she also suggested they needed a Guardian or POAs ... & THAT happened, acing me out of any chance of getting Guardian over them!! Dad got really mad at managers at the 1st Asst Living, called my uncle at 2 am to say he wanted them to come down NOW & move them somewhere else!! Does this sound like a rational man? But next day they went to where they stayed til now. I researched this much lesser place, their website offering little more than their address & phone, but on FB I found just ONE comment "The devil herself is back, doing as she pleases again & I wouldn't even take my dying dog there. They killed my Mom!!". Better believe, I searched & searched for her phone no. & found it, talked to her & they had really killed her Mom, because her Mom was on NO heart meds, but they kept giving her someone's else (& that other person was NOT getting their heart meds), her Mom died as a result & she sued them, winning!! I immediately called 'Liz' to tell her, but she said it was fairly nice, & Mom & Dad (two people who no longer can make rational decisions for themselves!!) were content & happy there!! Well, in the next 2 yrs .... would PROVE I was the right one!! 'Liz' DID convince my Dad I should be able to go to their house to start cleaning it out, my knowing everything there more than anyone else in the family, and keep what I wanted and choose where to donate the rest. Surprisingly, he agreed with her. My maternal uncle, her husband, only 10 yrs older than me, was already only months later by Oct 2012, regretting he had agreed to be Dad's POA, for they BOTH told me on that 1st of only 2 trips to the house I would make, they thought my Dad was doing soooo wrong by me, that I am truly the ONLY child left, the ONLY heir & I should have Everything of my parents, not having to share 50% with my niece with my brother's share. NOT the terms of my parents' will back in 2004 or 2005, which they told my brother & me then, he would get their house & property, I would get EVERYTHING ELSE of theirs....for several reasons. My brother did not want anything of theirs his wife or her son could steal from him & sell for money for themselves, they could NOT touch my parents' house or property. All else would be safer with me, whom they could not reach, AND things like my Mom's jewelry, would be mine while I was still living, but she had put provisions of what of her jewelry would go to each of the grandchildren I would have to include in my own will. This was good, agreeable among all 4 of us ... but it would change again in 2010, after my brother died in 2009 ... and it would change yet again in 2012, but I would not become aware of this until this year ... 2015, only a few months ago .... again done by my very sick Dad....and my family and his attorneys just going right along with him, totally blindsided by him!!!! Though Dad told my uncle he was 'not married to anything left in that house, so he could clear it ALL out however he wanted' so the house could be sold. I wasn't able to get much done in the only 6 hours in Oct 2012 at my parents' house, but I knew the next time I came I would bring a small U-Haul truck as I wanted my Mom's cedar chestof family heirlooms, her sewing machine she made ALL of my clothes (due to my scoliosis) & even my beautiful wedding dress on, and her California tree, very UNusual coffee table she had bought in Omaha back in 1992 & I had put my name on at that time, ALL very sentimental to me all of my life, plus all their pictures/videos, my Dad's extensive Nikon camera collection he wanted my daughter, a part time amateur photographer, to have, etc. I also noticed, but only slightly then, how my uncle really never helped his wife, my husband or me to go through or help pack up anything. He just wandered around, swept out the carport, flipped through books & magazines, not really reading them at all, etc. ....I thought, but was not fully certain, I was seeing little signs of Dementia in him also, but wasn't quite sure, or just being paranoid by now!! We would not be allowed, on my Uncle's schedule, to return to my parents' house for the 2nd & what I did not know would be the LAST time, for SEVEN more months in April 2013. Thank goodness I had the sense to not only rent the truck, but also take my girlfriend & her 20-something year old son with us this time to help out. We filled that truck up, mainly with the items I wanted above, but mainly with what I wanted my grown 2 children to have of their Grandparents. BUT the first thing I saw missing, which I wanted so much, was my Mom's CA tree coffee table, very evidently missing in their living room as we walked in the front door. My Aunt, 'Liz', had to tell me my niece wanted that & my Dad told her to take it on home with her. I went LIVID!!! We discovered many OTHER things were missing from the house & my Dad's very large workshop in the backyard... obviously by this now very greedy, but NOT coming to help us at all, NIECE, just coming on her own time, with her own key, to just TAKE whatever she wanted, without ANY percussion from my Dad, since she was HIS POA & COULD DO it...something my Uncle would have NEVER done without first talking to me about whatever!! So NOW, my own niece was adding tremendous stress on top of an already tense, stressful situation with my Dad!!! This 2nd time I was thoroughly convinced my uncle had rapid growing Dementia by his behavior that day. I did not talk to my aunt about him, but on the way home, my husband said he even saw it this time. I was NOT wrong, not long after when we saw him briefly, he had NO clue where he was, or what was going on around him, FAR worse than the type of Dementia my Mom had. Today, he still walks, mumbles but can't really talk, has lost control of some of his bodily functions, his already long time pace maker heart still ticking, but so bad, my aunt hardly gets any sleep at night or during the day, for my uncle is constantly 'after all the mice & men that are invading their house 24/7 he is deathly afraid of'. It is sooo sad!! I want to get the brain scan now myself, which should be able to detect if I'm already having signs of Dementia or Alzheimer's, but NOT paid by any medical insurance, I will have to pay out of pocket & I hear it is VERY expensive.... maybe I can get it this year. So this is WHY that was my 2nd & last trip to my parents' house, because my niece, now with a 2 yr old child out of wedlock & living with the child's father, not working at all nor has she ever, and going to college on her computer ... plus supposedly taking care of my parents .... never had time the next 2 years to 2014 to go & unlock the house for me to finish cleaning it all out. I never got to many other rooms AT ALL. So the house sat just as I had left it for two solid years, the front yard cut by some man my niece hired, so the house wouldn't look abandoned, but the backyard that 2nd time I went had weeds over 15 ft. tall, over the high privacy fence around it ... I took pics & almost cried because my parents had always worked hard in & had immaculate lawns & flowerbeds. They would be sooo disappointed had they known how neglectful this niece of mine was for their house and their yards. Now I had not seen my parents since Jan. 2013, when my Dad admitted himself to the hospital with chest pains, even my niece did not know he was there. She just happened to be in the next room where her boyfriend's Dad had been admitted to the same hospital & Cardiac floor really sick & feeble, to wait for life or death surgery the next morning. She heard my Dad's voice & thought he was there to visit someone, shocked when she walked in & he was in 1 hospital bed & my Mom in the other bed!!! She had to text me to come & take care of them, because obviously, her priority was more for her boyfriend and his father than her own grandparents!! See what I mean? NO ONE has been taking as good of care of my parents as I definitely would have been .... another of my Dad's very poor choices & decisions with his Alzheimer's. When I saw my Mom, she was a pitiful mess with hair sticking out like Einstein's, food dried & crusted on her shirt front, an old yard sale sweater, teeth not brushed. At night & each time my Dad feel asleep, she would roam aimlessly around the Cardiac floor, which is what was concerning the nursing staff the most. She was not a patient & they were not responsible for her. Sorry to report, this visit started off great, but ended in another disaster. My Mom saw me standing in the room doorway, broke out in a HUGE smile, whether she really knew who I was, or just a familiar face, & started to get up to run over to me, but I met her halfway & she put me in the biggest bear hug, saying, "Oh, Oh, Oh". Dad, lying in bed, had broken his glasses & couldn't see, so asked who was there? I told him it was me! That started it ... first, saying he was calling security, I told him I would get him his phone, but they wouldn't make me leave, I am his daughter. Then he was calling the police, I told him the same thing. My niece was to have brought up a hairbrush, toothbrush & clean clothes for my Mom, so I started searching the room, but when I got to Mom's bed on which sat her purse for any passerby to come in & steal, Dad started hollering again for me not to steal my Mom's money in her purse. I told him I had never stolen a thing from them, not even one copper penny of money either, I would NEVER steal from anyone. Well, this brought 2 nurses in & they looked at ME as if how can we help, not my Dad. Was about 4:30 pm & my niece had texted me at 10:30 that morning, where were my Mom's clothes? I walked into the hallway to text her & asked at the nurse's station for the Head Nurse who was with someone else at the time. My niece was at early dinner with her boyfriend & hadn't gotten my Mom's clothes there yet!! Figures, she is so unreliable. Told her Dad was acting up, so would be leaving again soon for the hour drive back home ... for nothing. Got to talk to the Head Nurse for about 30 minutes, first thing she asked ME was does your Dad have Alzheimer's. Told her I wish I had $1 for each time someone had asked me this in the past several years!! Told her she needed to look at his chart & tell ME for sure!! She said he had been acting up for them also quite a bit since he arrived the day before, even hitting a nurse, & Mom roaming also, but I told her he had been like this to me for many years, the hollering loudly the past 2 years. She said he had just been told he has Congestive Heart Failure also. I went back then to say my goodbyes, Dad yelling again the minute he saw me, which I was getting callous to & just accepted, but what Mom did next, caught me totally OFF guard & what made me promise myself I would never see her again unless Dad was somewhere else!! She knew he was doing wrong, she knew she couldn't remember how to tell him to QUIT, so she just raised her hands above her head, squinted her eyes .... and screamed bloody murder!! Every room on that floor had to have heard here.. With that, & tears welling up in my eyes, I knew I had to just leave. My husband had been standing in the doorway the entire 1-1.5 hrs we were there, never going in the room, or he said he would have put a sock in my Dad's mouth!! So I grabbed my purse of his shoulder & started walking to the elevator across the hall, when the Head Nurse & ALL the nurses at the nurses' station ... huddled around me & the Head Nurse said 'we understand totally what you are going through, we see it almost every day, so we want to lay a prayer over you ... and she prayed a wonderful prayer. Don't know if my Mom was watching, or if my Dad heard them right outside his door, but it sure made me feel a little more confident, God would help turn this situation around for the better. I asked them to please watch over my Mom since I could not, & my niece's priorities were elsewhere. Then each nurse hugged both my husband & me as we left. How awesome this was!! Once again, perfect strangers seeing the whole situation & wanting to help as much as they could ... so UNLIKE my own family!!!! Then Nov. 18 2014 was to be the 1st of the worst 3 days of my entire life! My niece, afraid of me, had texted my daughter in KS, who in turn called me to say the Hospice Nurse (NOT their own Dr!!) said my Mom only had 2 more weeks to live. My daughter flew in the next day & on Nov. 20, after almost 2 years, I got to see my precious Mom. What a shock!! Having weight problems all her life, she didn't weigh 80 lbs. soaking wet, she was skin stretched over bone, her face sunken & shallow, her head seemed to be much smaller than normal, not moving much at all, breathing only through her open mouth. She looked more like age 99 her Mom was when she passed, than only age 87. All kinds of emotions flowed through me, mainly guilt that I had not gone on to court & tried to overturn all my Dad had so wrongly done, for I would have never let them live there, & would have found a place, even if it was the one 8 minutes from my house, which had 24/7 Hospice care for BOTH of my parents!! NO ONE had been checking regularly on my parents & taking care of them, not even their two POAs!!! I only spent 4 hours with her, she DID know who I was (even Hospice nurse & my daughter thought so also), lifting herself to see right in my eyes, holding my hand the whole time & even putting it to her lips once. For only the 2nd time I had to lie to my Mom , now on her death bed. I told her I was sorry I had not been able to be there for her, but I knew she totally understood why, I told her I was OK now and I would be OK. So if she was tired and wanted to 'leave', she has my blessings & we will see each other again one day. I was going back to see her again on Sunday, taking my own Pastor with me after church, to say prayers & blessings over my Mom, but Pastor had a meeting after church, didn't call me to go until 2:30, but my daughter called to tell me Mom passed at 1 pm, so I didn't get to see her again. Her funeral was that Wednesday. Like I said, the 3 hardest days I've had to live through in my life so far. I am going to miss her so much, kind heart, gentle soul, everyone who knew her loved her ...and the BEST Mom ever in this world!! Basically, I have been between 'a rock and a hard place' for 4 years, while handcuffed by laws & acts, and NO help from my family AT ALL!! My ONLY option it still seems is to hire an attorney & spend a part of my life savings to do so!! On the one hand, I want to pursue this avenue not only for me, but for my Mom & what HER wishes have always been, especially for ME. On the other, I have no clue what the Judge is like, not knowing ANY of my family or me, only the facts/evidence presented, then making a permanent & final judgment on all of us. This is what I am most fearful of, this latter. I DID hire my attorney today and will soon start the proceedings ... wish me luck & send prayers & light my way, please. Thank you ahead of time ... and thank you for allowing me to tell my 'Red Hulk' saga.
Reply with quote #13
Pat, I suggest you copy and paste your story to a new thread. Very interesting.
Reply with quote #14
I have just come back yesterday from my mother's where we had a family reunion and all of my brothers and my sister were under the same roof for the first time in years
As usual mother sat misrable only contributing to the conversation to snipe at me contradicted every single thing that came out of my mouth the entire 4 days and was just generally and nasty old b.
I found I was a lot calmer and rational around all her crazy poisonous spite because of the things I had read on this site
I don't know why partly because I felt less alone and also because this site has explained so much of her behaviour I can recognise what exactly I'm dealing with so it's less overwhelming
I'm still eager for people to contribute and help me have more insight with my mother's death when it comes please write something if you read this!
Reply with quote #15
Hey - - Even tho I am 60+ yrs old, I still, joyfully await the death of my father, who is now 90. Both parents were NPD, both came from alcoholically & sexually dysruptive backgrounds. Mom and dad collaborated on her suicide in the hospital from phenobarbitol. It just goes on and on. I love my dad - and yet hate him. I've been the only child willing to take responsibility for his care and affairs since he was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Sick of it. Can't wait for it to be over. Have developed skills to retrieve my own life back; however, you all know it's not quite the same thing as having NO responsibilities hovering over one's head. The clock is ticking emotionally and financially. So many "experts" write about us having expectations about "pay-back" from emotional baggage. Well, the truth is ugly. Many of us do have that expectation.... and time is running out.