Registered: 1549849295 Posts: 1
Reply with quote
Hi, I'm new to this...online chat thing. Although I'm 50 I'm mostly self-taught on the computer but I need input from the world on this please. It's important enough to me to jump into the online world so, I must really need it LOL
Here is my story. Mom/dad both alcoholics, I had an awful childhood but started attending Alateen when I was 15 and it really saved me. Example, total of 3 girls in our family, one died from complications of alcoholism and the other sister is in and out of jail mostly for drugs. I have a master's degree, am about to retire from a job I love and have held for almost 25 years, I own my dream home outright, am in a mostly comfortable relationship (that's another story), drive a great car that's paid off, am mostly a loner so, no real close friends but that's ok by me. I became the overachiever and my sisters went down the tubes. Anyway, mom/dad divorced when I was 17 mom got into AA and has been sober for 33 years but dad is still drinking, lives on the other side of the country in a rooming house and I have very, very little contact with him. I have to distance myself from my dad/sister. I live in another part of the country from them both, but I have mom nearby. I had to put her into a nursing home bit over a year ago. It's a private nursing home that has a few Medicaid beds (her only income is social security) so she lucked out getting a spot. It's really nice, I would live there! My secret, I hate her. Somewhere along the way over the past few years, I'm finding myself doing whatever I can to please mom. But the last few months I've started to "become a b____" as she calls me. I visit her once a week, I bring her 2 or 3 grocery bags of yummies since she claims they are starving her (she's 25lbs overweight so....) and I take her out once every 2 months for a mani/pedi and lunch. All she does is complain that I don't do enough for her, that I don't understand how awful her life is. Everytime I show up she's in bed reading, looking all cozy but then she sees me and it starts. The venom. I feel so sad for her though. She was in an awful marriage, her kids (except me) are dead or in jail and at 79, it's finally dawning on her what an awful parent she was. I'm not helping as I am quite happy to remind her of the events in my childhood. I need to sew my mouth shut. I know I can't make her happy, I know I can't undo her past....but I could shut up and coo and tell her that "it's ok" except that, it's not ok. I'm very angry at her for being a bad mother, I'm angry that my sister died and I blame it on her since she "taught" my sister how to drink way back when. I wish she would die but she's remarkably healthy. It dawned on me the other day that, even when she dies, I'm still going to be left with all this pain. So, damned, feel like I just can't win. I'm in therapy and it's helping, but I'd like to hear from someone who is actually going through this....this mess
Reply with quote
I went though a period like this, and I know how truly painful it is. In the past, I thought that if I could just get my mom to stop her toxic behavior or at least acknowledge all the unnecessary pain and hardship she put me through, I would get a chance at healing. I suspect that happens far more often in Hollywood than it does in real life.
It's very clear to me now that my mom has no interest in mending things. I am an object to her. She doesn't care what effect her mistreatment has on me, any more than she cares if she drops a can opener. As long as the objects in her life work when she needs them, she really doesn't worry if they are harmed. For a very long period, I truly resented her and all the misery she caused. Like you, I spent many years of trying to figure out a way to escape the madness. I disliked who she was, and I also disliked who I was when I was around her. A few years ago, I was mentioning my frustration with a very wise priest, and he told me that although I was owed an apology (and much more!), one wasn't likely coming. I also wasn't likely ever to have a "normal" loving relationship with her. He said that left me with a choice. I could continue seeking justice that wasn't likely coming, or I could extend undeserved mercy and move on. At first, I was a little annoyed that I once again had to be the one to work out a solution. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was my only way out. Seeking something that isn't coming is a waste of my time. Moving on made a lot more sense. So, after careful prayer, I extended mercy to her in my heart. (I did not offer it to her face, as she doesn't think she's ever done anything wrong.) It didn't change her one bit, but over time, it changed me. Once I understood that mercy is undeserved forgiveness, I stopped blaming her for being an addict and a person with a personality disorder, and I stopped expecting her to be someone she is not. I put it in my higher power's hands, and went to work on building my own life. She certainly tries to sabotage that, but I have better boundaries now compared to back then when I was hoping she would provide relief. At 89, she still complains and thinks I should be a much better daughter...but I am able to ignore it. When she crosses a line, I leave. As part of my extension of mercy to her, I also decided to extend some mercy to myself. I give myself relief now. It's actually quite nice! I still want the pain to go away, and I still would love to have the fairy tale ending, but I don't sit around waiting for it to happen. If she wants to be miserable, she can do it alone. I stop by and visit when I can, but I don't expect her to appreciate me or be anything other than who she always has been. It's a painful reality, but it is far less painful than it used to be.