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julz

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #1 
Just a few months ago my husband's step-mom passed away. Her and my father in-law lived in another state and my father in-law is not in shape to be by himself so we had to go get him and now he is staying with us. I knew he had some problems but I never imagined it was this bad. 

You see, he is 79, has a bad back, bad stomach, and is addicted to pain killers and muscle relaxers. He has been on them now for over ten years and the doctors just keep giving him more and more. About a week after he came to live with us he took so many pills he couldn't move or function at all. He tried to get up and I was trying to help him but he fell. Luckily I caught him and saved him from serious injury but I hurt my back in the process. 

They give him enough pills to last a month but he runs out in about 2 weeks. When he has the pills he can't function, when he doesn't he is a pain in the you know what! He doesn't sleep, slams doors all hours of the day and night and makes so much noise we haven't had a good nights sleep since he got here. My husband and his 2 brothers work very demanding jobs so a lot of it is left up to me and I'm having a very difficult time.

When my husband goes to work my father in-law comes out of his room and starts complaining about everything. He tells me he just wants to end his life because no one should have to live like this. He makes sexist remarks to me on a daily basis and demands I cook and do things for him like his wife did. 

I understand he is going through a lot too. He lost his youngest son 4 years ago and then his wife of 35 years. But his addiction and negative comments about everything are wearing on me. I talk to my husband and tell him I think other arrangements need to be made but it doesn't seem like him or his brother's are willing to do that. 

I'm not sure where to turn at this point. I found this site today by trying to research options and figure out what I can do. But me being the daughter in-law, I'm not sure what I can really do about it?  It's causing problems in my marriage and my 13 year old son hides in his room all the time now to avoid dealing with the stress. 

I just needed to vent and I'm hoping I can find some answers soon. This is not something anyone is ever prepared for and so it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Thank you!
0
Unregistered
Reply with quote  #2 
YOu need to tell your husband that he can't stay there unless he can hire a nurses aide. Look into him going into nursing care or maybe you have to leave and see what hubby will do then. This is ridiculous.
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #3 
change doctors, he has to go into rehab
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Christa4

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Posts: 47
Reply with quote  #4 
When you mentioned your 13 yr old son, that was the final straw for me. You cannot take this on single handedly when you have your son to think about, too. How can you be a good mother to him at such an important stage of his life when you are completely drained by the other situation?

These situations evolve. When my father came to live with us, I thought there were some things 'understood'. Guess what..... it's always not time to hire the outside help. My siblings have an out of sight out of mind attitude -- while I am dealing with the stress daily.

Here's my suggestion - and you're getting what you paid for with this advice. Ask your husband to plan some time to talk, then ask him questions. What were you expecting when your father came here? Is it how you envisioned it? What do you expect of me? What are your concerns for our immediate family? How do you think our son is coping?

If he'll talk to you and answer questions like this that you present in a non- confrontational way, then you can say,"Now I want to share my feelings".

This is harsh, but if he will not have a conversation like this, your life is going to be a living hell and your son will be impacted. No matter what you do, it won't be enough. If you are willing to suffer in silence, you will bear the brunt of it all.

I don't want that for you. I will pray for you.
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Deborah

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Posts: 17
Reply with quote  #5 
I'm pretty much in the same situation. It's My MIL. I love her dearly, but she does some strange things. I am the one that has to deal with her dreams a hallucinations. Hubby doesn't have the patience. Her daughter lives about 5 hours away and doesn't even call to check on her Mom. She says she loves her, but the whole two years that she's been here, she has yet to ask her mom to come stay with her. The daughter has no children, and has the room. It hurts me that her daughter doesn't seem to care even a little.

She talks or hums or something all the time. She also makes comments to the TV when we watch a movie. Even though she's seen it before several times, she makes comments to the characters. She also interrupts your while you're talking. There are times that I just quit talking. I have headaches due to the stress.

This is like having an 85 year old child. When it gets too much for me to handle, I go to our room and read or take a nap. I don't want to snap at her.

__________________
Deborah
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Rene Unas

Registered:
Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #6 
You have to set priorities, discuss with your husband some very important facts (below), let your husband discuss with your father-in-law (suggest that you be present but do not talk unless addressed) and make the final and difficult decision (which prior to this discussion you had mutually agreed upon).

Not that your husband loves your FIL any less but the first priority now that he is married is his family-you and your 13-year old kid.

Discuss and reinforce to your husband the following points you raised in your communication:  
1.) his father is 79, has a bad back, bad stomach, and is addicted to pain killers and muscle relaxers.
2.) you caught him and saved him from a serious fall injury but hurt your back in the process
3.) the pills are useless based on the effects you cited
4.) he deprives you of sleep through constant slamming of the door
5.) endless complaining and very demanding
6.) his negative comments are wearing you down
7.) seem like him or his brothers are not willing to think of other arrangements vs. your contrary belief
8.) it's causing problems in your marriage and your 13 year old son hides in his room all the time to avoid dealing with the stress.

Anticipate the concerns of your FIL and generate your responses to address them particularly with what he's going through psychologically-the death of your youngest BIL and MIL.

When the discussion time comes, state your points clearly, hear him out and disclose what you believe is the best decision for everyone in this situation.

It would be best that he be on assisted living to benefit everyone, as follows: 
1.) FIL - his physical and psychological concerns will be better addressed in such facility 
2.) husband - he can concentrate fully on his demanding job 
3.) you - a problem that may potentially cause your marriage will be eliminated
4.) 13-year old son = your kid can focus on what teenagers usually do - gain friends and develop his skills and talents 

In addition, schedule regular visits and involve his brothers.
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julz

Registered:
Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you everyone for your support. I have good news, he moved out. It's a long story that would take a while to explain but he is living with an old friend. We are looking into rehab options and have talked to his doctor. This is one of the most difficult situations I've ever been in and it's hard to know what to do when you are faced with something like this.
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Rene Unas

Registered:
Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #8 
Nice to hear that you've solved the problem where everyone (FIL, husband, you and son) benefits and is satisfied.

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Christa4

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Posts: 47
Reply with quote  #9 
Sounds like the message got through somehow. I hope the pressure stays off of you.
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