Registered: 1525519980 Posts: 2
Reply with quote #1
I will be 40 years old in a few weeks. My Mom moved in with us a year ago after leaving an abusive relationship with my father.
Things were good at first. She didn’t have much money so she offered to help with my 3 kids (ages 12, 10 and 6) to do her share. Our boys now share a room to give her some private space.
She’s been helping to babysit maybe 3 times a week and only from the time they got off the bus until I or my hubby get home from work. (I only work part time) Maybe 2 or 3 hours. She’s babysat a few times over night if we went out of town. Sometimes an hour or two while I run to the grocery store. I always ask her if it’s too stressful she can tell me and I can have the baby sitter come help.
Last week I had to go out of town for an unexpected funeral. My hubby had the sitter come over and get them off the bus, pick up my daughter from track and take the little guy to karate. When the sitter got here my mom told her to leave and said she could handle it. She then got so stressed out that he didn’t go to karate. My mom got upset and complained that we stressed her out by making her do too much. She also said that the babysitter just dropped the kids off, acted rudely and left. I really don’t believe it and the kids confirmed the sitters story. My hubby confronted her and told her that’s why he paid the babysitter. My mom got very upset and yelled “All I do is watch those kids”. The kids heard her and my one son cried. I do admit my hubby did raise his voice a little because he knew she was lieing. Now she said she refuses to ever be in the same space as the sitter. So she doesn’t want to babysit but she doesn’t want the sitter to help. I think she’s jealous of our sitter. The sitter has watched them all since they were infants, my mom lived over 6 hours away before she moved here.
She then called my aunt and told her that my hubby is being abusive towards her and that he never comes home on time. She said he’s missing for 3 hours after getting off work and coming home. My mom is lieing! My husband works a lot of overtime. She’s insinuating he’s out at the bar or with other women.
I feel like she is inserting very toxic behavior. The same type I grew up with. She likes to act like the victim, telling family how badly we treat her. She doesn’t pay rent or provide food. She does buy her own breakfast stuff and jelly for sandwiches. She has been working full time cleaning houses for over 8 months now and she only has a car payment/insurance to pay.
She flys off the handle if I try to have an adult conversation. When she first moved in she would help me with house work and kids. Now nothing. It’s so frustrating. She just stays in her room and doesn’t socialize much.
I feel like she has some mental illness. She claims to not remember saying that comment that upset the kids. She now says she never told anyone that my husband wasn’t coming home on time. She says “you are taking it wrong, or you heard it wrong” It’s the same thing she did when I was a kid to keep me from telling others that my Dad was abusive towards us.
I want to help her and I’m so proud she left him, but at the same time I have built a non toxic life for my kids. My husband is a good man and my children aren’t used to this type of drama.
I feel so confused. I’m hurt about her gossiping about us. I’m hurt she doesn’t want to help out, but I feel guilty asking her to do her share.
I think it’s time she starts saving for her own place. She originally said she would be with us for 6 months tops. I just can’t deal with the drama anymore.
Registered: 1500093337 Posts: 4
Reply with quote #2
Your didnt say how old your Mom is. I’m not a fan of parents moving in with kids as the relationship is confusing. When I was 58, I lived with my daughter & her family for 2 yrs during the week to babysit the grandkids (1 & 7 when I started). I would try to disappear once my SIL came home so as not to get in the way of the family. He rarely spoke to me during that time and definitely didn’t come home until the kids were in bed if my daughter was away or out for work as he as uncomfortable being alone in the house with me. Your Mom doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like after being in an abusive one. She needs counseling and to learn she isn’t a victim any longer. It will be hard but you & your Mom need to sit down and discuss the situation without anger or tears. Write down any decisions you both make so that it is clear to all. I suggest that you exclude your husband from this conversation and that you focus with her on next steps not accusing her of what she is or isn’t doing. Make a plan to help her get her own place. She could be very tired after cleaning house and yes, she is likely jealous of the relationship the babysitter has with the grandkids. She likely wishes she had a better relationship. When my Mom gets into her passive aggressive moods, she wants everyone to feel sorry for her so she stretches the truth until she is a victim. Hugs and good luck.
Registered: 1525519980 Posts: 2
Reply with quote #3
Thank you so much. She is 61 years old. The 3 of us sat down, but yes good idea for just her and I.