Registered: 1532561010 Posts: 2
Reply with quote #1
This might get lengthy but I need help on how to cope. To start things off, I am 26 and I live with my mom. My mom is divorced and has been for 12 years. She is unemployed and can barely pay the bills. She is the most negative/ narcissistic person I have ever met. I have 2 older brothers that have their own homes so I don’t see them much but we talk a lot and have good relationships. So now fornthe resl topic. My mom feels as if no one cares about her. Mainly because they don’t call her often and when they do all she does is complain about how terrible her life is. Even when she did work she complained how she hated her job and the people she worked with. She would come home and just complain for 3 hours about how terrible her work day was. Hearing this day in and day out it really started to get me down. I found myself having anxiety and depression and recently being out on medication for it. Every single conversation we have is negative. And usually I just stay quiet and let her do the talking because she’s the one who has to have everything about her. And if I put my 2 cents in, she thinks I’m going against her and that’s I’m “never on her side.” She doesn’t have a good relationship with her sisters. Mainly because she complains to them too. It’s all about money with her. Doesn’t have money to do this doesn’t have money to do that. And now that she’s unemployed (for the 3rd time) it’s even worse. She is holding me accountable for typing her resume and to put it online on websites and to print it out for her so she can bring it to business’ she wants me to call her phone company to ask why her bill is so high she wants me to do all of these things like I am the mother and she is the daughter. She’s also on Facebook 16 hours a day and complains about everyone on there and hates that people can have a good time with other people. She thrives off of other people’s suffering and cannot show real empathy. If I’m upset about something I don’t even say anything to her half the time because she turns it around on her making it about her. Even if she texts me while I’m at work and I don’t immediately respond I will get 3-4 more texts that say rude things how I don’t care about her or that I’m ignoring her. I tell her I love my job and her response is “must be nice” in a sarcastic tone. Like she can’t even be happy for her own daughter. It goes so much deeper then this it really does it’s just hard to go into so much detail without thinking of things before hand. I also think a lot of her anger comes from the divorce. It was a nasty one. My dad left and took everything. Yes things happen but his was 12 years ago. And yet she STILL blames all of her problems she has today on him. And it makes me angry. Like it is not my dads fault that she’s currently unemployed but she will some how make it about him. She will not let it go. I have a good relationship with my dad and she hates that. I don’t know what to do anymore and since I still live with her it’s hard to avoid. And I can’t just stay locked up in my room when I’m home. Can someone just please help. There’s no talking to her I’ve tried 1,000 times. I am not responsible for her and her actions. I am not responsible for paying her bills. And it is definitely NOT my responsibility to find her a job. How can I get that through her head ????
Reply with quote #2
I don't think you can get those messages through her head.
From what you have written, your mom sounds like she has difficulty with many things including: 1) managing her emotions, 2) showing empathy, 3) maintaining relationships with other people, and 4) dealing with life's ups and downs. She may have anxiety, depression abandonment issues, motivation issues and a host of other issues that require professional attention. Does she have a doctor or a psychologist who could help her? Would she be willing to see one? If not, then you need to accept that you cannot change her or help her, despite your strong willingness to try. All you have the power to do is manage your own life. As a daughter, you definitely are not responsible for her emotional state, but if you continue to live with her, I can almost guarantee she will try to make you both emotionally and financially responsible. Consequently, you may want to consider finding another place to live to get some healthy distance and to give her space to face her own issues. All adults need to develop the internal means to manage their own lives and responsibilities, but if you continue to serve as her emotional crutch, she may never stand on her own two feet. I have a daughter a little younger than you who lives in her own apartment, so this is not an unreasonable thing for someone 26 to be doing. If your mom were a healthy mom, she would actually encourage it. So if you decide to move out, please don't feel guilty. You are not abandoning her. If she cannot handle this, and you are genuinely concerned for her well-being, perhaps you could arrange a "wellness" check from someone...clergy, police, an older neighbor....anyone who she would not try to manipulate. In any case, this is certainly very challenging to deal with. I hope your dad and other people in your life can support you.
Registered: 1532561010 Posts: 2
Reply with quote #3
@splotchy thank you for taking the time out to reply. I agree with you with her having anxiety depression and abandonment issues. She says all the time that once every once move out we’re all just gonna forget about much. (Much like my brother have already done). I have ask her to go see someone like a therapist just to talk about things. But she says those types of people are useless and sometimes not gonna tell her how to live. I’m in the process of getting my own home. It will be for sale on January 1st, (that’s when the lease is up for the current people living there ) I know once I distance myself it will be better for myself. But I still can’t help but to think how she’s gonna do it on her own. And she loves the fact that I feel guilty for planning to move out. Almost to the point where she just wants me to stay and be miserable with her. But I actually have a pretty good life outside of her. I have a great boyfriend, a job, good friends. And when I come home it’s just such a miserable miserable time. But I will say when I say I’m going to do something, whether a boat ride, shopping with friends, dinner dates etc her reply is always “must be nice” as if I’m supposed to feel guilty for enjoying my life. I just can’t wait until I don’t have to see her at all anymore
Reply with quote #4
I have a mom who exhibits many of the same characteristics as yours, and whenever she feels unsafe, she expects someone else, usually the person closest to her, to fill her up. I obviously cannot diagnose your mother, but this is very common for people with Borderline personality. (My mother was officially diagnosed when she was in her 80s, after years of toxic and destructive behavior.)
Ironically, whenever she had "relief" (a new boyfriend, a new acquaintance, painkillers, etc.), a lot of her neediness temporarily went away. During those times, she often left me alone, almost to the point of not caring at all about what I was doing, but she always came back to expecting me, her object-daughter, to fill her up when the temporary relief failed. It was very confusing, and I kept wondering what I could do to have a better relationship with her. What I didn't know then was that my mother had serious mental health issues that prevented her from having a healthy relationship with anyone. I was just an object in her life, filling a need. When you are an object, your needs do not matter, your feelings do not matter, and you do not have rights. You are just expected to perform your function. If you do not do it to their liking, you are abused, guilted and shamed. If I had known these things at 26, I would have tried to focus more on my own life and let her deal with her own demons. But I had been programmed to always worry about my mother's needs, and spent a good part of my life trying to figure out what was wrong. There is a lot of information about people with personality disorders that may help you plan how to manage the next few months. BPD Family (https://bpdfamily.com/) is one resource I like. Even if you cannot change your situation, you may be able to pick up some pointers on how to minimize your mother's effect on you. Good luck.
Reply with quote #5
Slotchy, you really are an angel.
Ann Marie, I agree with Splotchy. I like the Serenity Prayer from Adult Children of Alcoholics:
"God, Grant me the serenity,
to accept the people I cannot change,
the courage to change the one I can
and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Take care, ~Laura