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Emma
Reply with quote  #406 
DaugherInLaw,

Thank you! I am sorry to hear that you are in the situation that you are in. I truly could not imagine living with this woman for 8 years. It has only been 5 months for me and I am going insane. I can agree with you on the fact that the world won't end if siblings help out. The brother, the one who lost her her house, is the one that is supposed to be taking care of her but won't. He always has an excuse. His house is too small, he doesn't have the money, etc etc. He doesn't have money but yet is an alcoholic and drug fiend. He always finds money for that somehow though. 

My boyfriend realizes the problem but chooses to do nothing about it. He knows that she is a lazy bum who will never do anything for herself. He knows that he will support her for the rest of her life. He doesn't do anything about this though because as he says, He will feel guilty. He doesn't want the mother going live with the brother either because the brother could care less if she lives or dies. I understand that this is his mother and that he loves her. I truly get that. But does that mean that he has to give up everything for this woman, who doesn't appreciate a single thing that he does for her, just because she is too lazy to work? She uses his car often and threw a fit the one time she had to put $10 gas in it. His car takes about $60 to fill up by the way so $10 barely makes a difference. This woman will travel 25 minutes away to her sons house (same one that lost her her house) just to bring him M&Ms because he is too messed up to drive. Are you freakin kidding me!? Ugh!  But I am a heartless b*tch, according to him and his family, because I see something wrong with this whole situation. Whatever!
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Emma
Reply with quote  #407 
So sorry if this posted twice.... 

DaugherInLaw,

Thank you! I am sorry to hear that you are in the situation that you are in. I truly could not imagine living with this woman for 8 years. It has only been 5 months for me and I am going insane. I can agree with you on the fact that the world won't end if siblings help out. The brother, the one who lost her her house, is the one that is supposed to be taking care of her but won't. He always has an excuse. His house is too small, he doesn't have the money, etc etc. He doesn't have money but yet is an alcoholic and drug fiend. He always finds money for that somehow though. 

My boyfriend realizes the problem but chooses to do nothing about it. He knows that she is a lazy bum who will never do anything for herself. He knows that he will support her for the rest of her life. He doesn't do anything about this though because as he says, He will feel guilty. He doesn't want the mother going live with the brother either because the brother could care less if she lives or dies. I understand that this is his mother and that he loves her. I truly get that. But does that mean that he has to give up everything for this woman, who doesn't appreciate a single thing that he does for her, just because she is too lazy to work? She uses his car often and threw a fit the one time she had to put $10 gas in it. His car takes about $60 to fill up by the way so $10 barely makes a difference. This woman will travel 25 minutes away to her sons house (same one that lost her her house) just to bring him M&Ms because he is too messed up to drive. Are you freakin kidding me!? Ugh!  But I am a heartless b*tch, according to him and his family, because I see something wrong with this whole situation. Whatever!
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Ready to Give Up!
Reply with quote  #408 

I signed the lease today.  I feel really good about it.  I am definitely moving out.  I'm nervous and excited at the same time.  My husband and MIL know something is going on because their behavior has changed.  My MIL is acting like she's half dead.  I think it's because he's told her that he suspects that I'm leaving.  Also, he's been nicer than usual.  I'm going to tell him Sunday, so say a little prayer.  He is usually mild mannered so I really think he won't like it, but at the same time he will do what is best for our kids.  It will take a while for it to sink in.  I think it will be hardest on our 13 yr old son at first, but after a while when he sees that I'm happy again I think he will be ok with it.  I have a plan...I'm renting for a year, finishing my MBA and then buying a house next year.  Moving on and moving up!  Emma, I hear you.  I have 3 degrees also and I'm thinking really...what took me so long to wise up?  Hange in there.  You are doing the right thing.  Move on your time table.  Good luck.

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Emma
Reply with quote  #409 
ReadyToGiveUp,

I am so happy for you! I am glad that you have made a plan and then sticking to it. I find it funny that NOW their behavior is changing. Terrible, isn't it? I am sure that it will be a hard transition for everyone for awhile, but you are doing the right thing. Hubby shouldn't act too surprised after all this time, what else can he expect really. You can only drag a person down for so long before they say Enough is enough. He should be thankful you stayed as long as you did. I really am so, so happy for you! Good luck on the move and your new start in life. I will be praying for you and your family. God Bless. 
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Trisha
Reply with quote  #410 
Hi everyone, Im new to this...This group seems so suppotive and understanding. I finally feel that i am not a BAD person by feeling the way i do. I am 23 years old and will be getting married next year. Unfortunately I will have to live with my MIL. She is the nastiest person on the planet and I do not want to live with her. She is still so young (49yrs) and so bossy and controlling. My boyfriend does not hear or see what i do. I love my boyfriend so much and would be ecstatic to be his wife but I am so afraid to move in with HER.

At the moment she does not give us privacy,
she puts on a sad face when we go out for my bf to feel sorry for her,
shes with us most of the time,
she never greets me (but just nods her head 4 the sake of it),
she compares herself to me all the time,
she bothers me most of the with her errands,
she makes me feel bad for being "me".

I can't stand it anymore and I know she is only going to get worse once i marry her son. She doesn't like me, i can see it from the way she talks to me. My boyfriend doesn't want to make her live on her own, he feels responsible for her. SHE is healthy and well and does not work... I dont know what to do. My mum fears more for me, she does not want me to live with my MIL. I dont have a choice, I love my bf sooo much. What do i do??? 
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #411 
From what you've written, your boyfriend has been programmed to put his mother's wants/needs ahead of anyone else's, including his own.  He is probably a very nice person, but he has learned some pretty unhealthy behavior that will not likely lead him or any of his relationships to a healthy place.
 
Until he is strong enough to make the adult decision to stop enabling his mother, I don't think he is ready to commit to you or anyone else.  If he's already putting her needs first before you are married, it will likely only get worse as time
progresses. 
 
He may be too enmeshed with his mother to see the truth and may not have any idea how to handle things differently.  My advice would be to set a good example for him by not putting yourself in any harmful situations.  Set some healthy boundaries, the first of which should be that you will never live his mom.  
 
Your boyfriend may need lots of support (counseling) to help him see the truth, but even if he does not ever get to this point, you can still make healthy choices for yourself.
 
If he forces you to choose between hurting yourself and making him happy, I hope you will be courageous and not choose to harm yourself.    If he still picks her over you, that may be painful to handle in the short term, but better in the long term.  You don't want to end up with a life that is lonely and depressing because "MIL always comes first".
 
Good luck.  I hope he can be guided to making healthy choices.
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incognito
Reply with quote  #412 
Trisha,
You do have a choice. You are so young that it is difficult for you to see past the love the you feel for your boyfriend, but think, if you can't stand the woman, your future MIL, now, how will you feel a few years down the road?  She is only 49 years old, doesn't work, is in your business all the time.  This will not change; it will only intensify.  Your MIL will insist on being in your lives every second, and when you have children she will probably insist on being on equal footing in raising them.

Believe me, I know you feel that your love can conquer all, but it can't.  At some point in the future, your husband may make the difficult choice and separate himself from his mother.  But it won't be easy or pretty and I can guarantee that a lot of bitterness will have gone on in the years leading up to the decision.

And, if you think this can't go on forever, well, the answer in a lot of cases is, yes, it can.  My own mother is 92.  Can you imagine yourself 43 years from now dealing with the same issues, but worse because now she is so old and frail that she needs much more attention?
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PB&J
Reply with quote  #413 
Just go up to post 392 that I wrote to Emma. Read it, memorize it. This will be your life. Don't sentence yourself to a life of this!! Good Luck
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Ready to Give Up!
Reply with quote  #414 

Update....I've told him that I plan to move out and he's being very cooperative.  He said that he knew that I was and he was just waiting for me to tell him.  He also said that he was not going to fight me.  I'm seeing the attorney this Tuesday to have the legal separation papers drawn up.  He says he wants to be a better man, so we will see.  Maybe this is what he needed to open his eyes.  He's even helping me move out the 30th, so hopefully he will continue to work with me and do what is best for the children.  We didn't even fight about it.  We shed some tears and are moving forward.  The doors are still opening for me, so I know this is the right decision.  I'll keep you posted. 

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Cassie
Reply with quote  #415 

I am new to this site!  I finally had to do something.  My MIL has been with us for almost 4 years.  I am in a different situation.  My husband is a T10/T11 paraplegic.  He was injured in 1998 and we married in 1999.  We have twin boys who are almost 4.  I see the issues that her living with us has done to my children.  She is constantly in our business and has told me on several occasions that I am a B**** to my kids in front of them.  Also, just last weekend I "lost it" and started yelling at her and my sister in law who came to visit without even asking me.  I thought that when my MIL moved in she would help me with my husband and let me raise my kids, but it has become the exact opposite.  I want her out so bad and do not want children to grow up in a household full of tension.  I saw the last post where someone is leaving their home because on their MIL.  I do not want this to happen, but am at my wits' end.  I am glad that I am not the only one.  I even told my husband that I was going to seek counseling and he asked why?  I do not feel this would be necessary if she would just move out.  She started getting Social Security last July and only got it for 6 months due to her other income.  She will get it again in July.  Within those 6 months, I believe she gave over half of her money to my SIL.  Never paid us a dime!  I am just venting because I feel like I have nobody to talk to!  Thanks for listening!

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Ready to give up!
Reply with quote  #416 
Cassie,

I know what you are going through.  My advice...if your MIL is not contributing to your life in a positive way, then either you need to leave or ask her to leave.  Life is way to short and your kids already have a mother.  They don't need two.  It's very difficult and it confuses the children.  If you choose to let her stay then sit her and your husband down and set boundaries.  I tried this but it did not work for me so that is why I'm moving out.  I'm moving this weekend in fact.  My husband and I are separating.  I'm not ready to say the "D" word but he and the MIL need a reality check.  I hate the put my family through this but I think they need to know how serious I am.  I'm not happy and I will not stand for it anymore.  My children need to come first and I'm not being the best mother I can be due to the situation and stress I'm under.  Hope this helps.  Best of luck to you.
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Cassie
Reply with quote  #417 
How old are your children?  I am so scared to give a choice to my husband of either me or her because I only work a part time job and that is not enough to take care of me and my twins.  Thanks for the advice.  How long did she live with you before you finally just said enough is enough?

Thanks again,
Cassie
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Interracial hell
Reply with quote  #418 
I've been with my boyfriend now for 3 years, when I met him things were great he said his mom was living with him, but she worked nights. Once I moved in she retired, I hate to say that she ruining our relationship but she is. We had our son, and things got worse every time he would cry she would come in and see what's wrong never giving me the chance to be a mother she never respects me as a mother always calling me a little girl my boyfriend is 10+ years older than me, she is overweight and is always eating, she always leaves dishes in her room, I always have to get them, then when she comes to the kitchen she always leaves a mess, and I'm left to clean, I'll be doing laundry and she just come in start doing her clothes. She is very disrespectful, when I try to talk to her she always says she doesn't mean anything by it, but she continues to do it. Now keep in mind I'm black my boyfriend is older and he is white. And it's not like I can send her to her daughter, but get this her own daughter kicked her out and left her on the street. Whenever I tell him how I feel, he says you have a problem you can leave, I just hate it, cause now he is seeing what she does. I'm going crazy, I hope she doesn't look down upon because I'm black. She is 70 so she was living during that time I don't know I love him, and we will make this work but she is making it hard.
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anon
Reply with quote  #419 

Well done, ready to give up. It shows you called their bluff. It's hard especially with kids but otherwise it will be more of the same. Hub will soon see how much you do there and get a chance to miss you. Cassie perhaps you have to try the same and maybe leave an older child behind, even if it's just for a while to go stay with some rels. Otherwise, you won't be taken seriously. Just a thought. It might give the wakeup call to the mommy's boys.

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incognito
Reply with quote  #420 
Interracial hell,
Welcome to the board!   Your boyfriend does not sound very supportive and your present living situation sounds guaranteed to become intolerable.  Your boyfriend's mother was living in the house before you and looks upon you as an intruder.  Now that she doesn't work any longer, she is there in your business all the time.  

I think you must have a long heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend.  Go out to dinner and discuss this situation away from her hearing.  If his attitude remains "you can leave if you don't like it", well, then you must reconsider the situation.  Would he be willing to go to counseling?  If not, then he has made his choice and is only waiting for you to make yours.

Can you bear years of her meddling in your affairs, telling you how to raise your child?  Can you go on being deprived of any privacy?  What will this environment do to your child?  These are hard questions, but they must have occurred to you already for you to seek support on this board.  

Time goes more quickly than seems possible.  Don't wake up years later, middle-aged, still cleaning up after and taking care of a now really old woman who has grown even more impossible over the years.
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