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Kria
Reply with quote  #421 
I am 24 and work in IT industry. I was having a long distance relationship since last 2 years, when I decided that I had enough and moved in the same city as my bf sacrificing my career by chosing a new location and a different team. My career was at its all time high but I decided to chose my love life at this time, so that I get to know my partner better whom I was thinking to marry in the next two years.
Now the twist arrives, I was living with him for two months when his mother (widowed 2 years before) decides to pack her bags and come to live with her son as her daughter was leaving for further studies. It seemed like an obvious choice to her and my bf but I was taken aback when I was not even consulted by my bf and he directly made this announcement to me.
Not that I dont want her to live with her son ( given a choice I would never have preferred this scenario ), but I felt that I was giving this relationship too much and receiving nothing from it!
I met his mom, she doesnt seem to be interested to work @ 49 and she is entirely dependent on her son for all her decisions. On top of that she thinks she can make decisions for her son!
I am too afraid to continue like this, though I am madly in love with my bf, but still continuing this relationship doesn't sound a good option and a break-up is too difficult at this stage.
I have discussed all this with my bf but he seems to be helpless to do anything for me and all of a sudden I feel like a vamp in his life. He says I will have to live with this for my life and if I feel that its difficult then he cant really do anything for this as it is his responsibility to carry his mother( gf can ofcourse handle herself!)
I am too much in love with him to stay away from him and cant understand what to do.
Any suggestion or help is welcome!

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bump
Reply with quote  #422 
last post not showing up
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pq
Reply with quote  #423 
interracial hell AND Kria--

Sounds a bit like you two are in the same boat.  I understand that you both love your boyfriends and don't want to lose them.  BUT...  it sounds like both of them have made it clear that to be with them, you have to take Mom as part of the package deal.  You've both basically been told that this is what you can expect out of a relationship or marriage with them.

So you need to ask yourself this:  Based on this and assuming that this is how your future would look (which is what the BFs have essentially told you), is this the life you want?  I know you love your BFs, but you cannot be making a decision based on how great things would be if it was just you and BF, together alone.  No matter how terrific that would be, that's not what either of you is being offered, and you mustly get caught up in "what if" fantasies.  You have to assume that terrific is off the table, and you're only choice is Wonderful BF and Soul-Sucking MIL.  If that is not what you want for your future, I think you have to end it.  I know that's a painful thing, but unfortunately love is truly NOT enough.  I'm sorry.
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Discouraged
Reply with quote  #424 
Just found this site tonight, and I have been very encouraged.  My mother-in-law moved in with us 6 months ago after she had a mini stroke.  For a long time, I feel that she has played the helpless card.  She is a nice lady, but I feel that she is overly helpless and uses guilt to manipulate my husband.  

The most frustrating aspect is that we have no privacy.  

I can't stand it that she eats and watches tv all day.  

I never complain to her or my husband (only strangers) but I definitley feel frustrated from bottling it up.  My husband tries to talk to her about problems, but she bursts into tears.

When I found out she is going with us on our family vacation, I broke down and cried for the first time.  

I feel in the way in my own home.  There is no room for me.  

Discouraged.

It has been very encouraging to read of others' struggles.  
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OhDear
Reply with quote  #425 

Discouraged, Oh no I'm so sorry.  It's not too late to find a place for her and boot her out the door!

Does she take over the living room ALL FREAKING DAY LONG and the TV must be at EAR! SPLITTING! VOLUME!!!!!!??????

If the noise is driving you crazy put in earplugs and then put on a pair of target shooting earmuffs.   Gives you some peace of mind.

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Discouraged
Reply with quote  #426 
Yes, and she was up until midnight with us last night.  We were hoping for some time to ourselves, but . . .

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Prodigal
Reply with quote  #427 
It's tough to establish house rules when you acquire an elderly roommate in the midst of a health crisis, but even after the fact, it must be done or you will go insane. I mean, more insane.

Since your MIL chooses to play the crying emotional blackmail game with her son, it may be better to for HIM to put it in writing. Yes, it absolutely needs to come from HIM. And provide her a TV in her room if at all possible. 

Example:

Mom, we love you, but we need to establish some house rules if we are all to live here respectfully as a family.

1. Family TV time is from xx to xx and from xx to xx. If you want to watch TV during other times, you need to do so in your room. The house needs to be quiet and peaceful at times.

2. "Date" time for me and my wife is from 9 pm on, whether we are in the living room or our bedroom. We are a married couple and we need privacy. And our bedroom is strictly off limits. If you have an emergency, knock and wait for an answer.

3. Although we are taking a trip together soon, the next vacation will just be wife and me. Again, we are a couple and we need time alone with each other for the health of our marriage. 

4. I know you have been ill, but you need to keep up your abilities and we need the help around the house. Your household chores are (folding laundry, etc.)

5. Your financial contribution to the household based on your income is xx.

6. I hope you will consider letting us help you get involved in the senior program at the community center. You need friends and peers -- you're too isolated here. It's not healthy for you and I worry about that.

Just some ideas. And to be sure, she will probably have a melt down and cry and fit throw and act like she is being horribly persecuted and mistreated. This is certainly not pleasant, but the information will have been dispensed, the rules established, and her emotional pyrotechnics will pass. However the festering resentment and anger and frustration that you are feeling while suffering in silence will not pass. They will grow into an ulcer and/or a divorce.

Ideally you and your husband could find another long-term living solution for his mother. Cohabiting with the elderly is notoriously difficult. Often death to marriages. And guess what else? These arrangements are often lethal to the parent/child relationship as well! Just saying. Please accept all my sympathy for your predicament.

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Discouraged
Reply with quote  #428 
Fantastic advice, Prodigal.

I think the best thing would be an honest discussion, but I am too afraid.  I have honest discussions with my parents, telling them boundries I need to stay sane.  But honest discussions with her seem impossible as she twists everything I say and becomes offended.  For example, she is worried about losing her car as her benefits have decreased.  I suggested that our city has transportation services that help with things like walkers and carrying bags.  I suggested that it might be less stressful to let go of her car and use these services.  She complained to my husband that I told her to take a cab to the doctor instead of bothering me.  Fortunatly my husband and I had had this discussion earlier, so he knew exactly what I said and meant.  Because this has happened several times, I don't engage her in conversation.  Now her complaint to my husband is that I ignore her.  

We are working on getting her a tv in her room.  We are also working on other living situations, but she complains about all of them.  She doesn't want to live in a senior center because she is too young to have any thing in common with them (she is in her 60s), for example.  

I think the ground rules do need to come from my husband, and he tries, but she sure knows how to lay the guilt on.  He can't handle the tears, so she starts the waterworks, he starts appologizing and it's all over, end of discussion.  

My husband believes this situation is hurting our relationship, so he continues to try.  

Thank you for your advice--I think it is great.  Thank you for listening.  We will work on applying the tips to our situation.  It feels really good to vent.
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Prodigal-Discouraged
Reply with quote  #429 
Your MIL is in her 60s?! Oh my goodness ... regardless of her health problems, you need to swiftly find other accommodations whether she likes it or not. Even chronically ill people now live for decades with such conditions. Neither your marriage nor your sanity will survive another 30+ years of having your home ruled by a passively tyrannical manipulator who turns on the waterworks every time she hears something she doesn't like or is asked to consider others' rights and needs. Wow. Don't get her a TV for her room. You need to get her OUT. Pronto. My opinion.

By the way, how interesting that your MIL feels she, ahem, has "nothing in common" with people a bit older than she is and therefore cannot live in proximity to them ... but she apparently feels perfectly comfy invading the private marital home of two people 20 or more years younger. Hmmmmm ... How does that work, logic-wise?

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Discouraged
Reply with quote  #430 
I know--thank you for making me laugh!  It's more like 30+ years.

I think things are moving in that direction, but it will be months and months away.  

As I speak, it is about 6:15 pm and she is thinking about taking a nap.  I just try to be gone as much as possible.  
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Ready to give up!
Reply with quote  #431 
Cassie,

My kids are 13 (son) and 5 (daughter).  I have been moved out for over 2 months now and it's been the right decision.  It's not all been easy, but it was the right choice for me.  I have had peace of mind and I got my privacy back.  It's been hard for me to watch my husband and his mother struggle but I have just stood back to see them survive and they have.  I've not been asked for any help and that is good.  He has been supportive and that has surprised me.  We have been through so much that I can't promise him that I will reconcile but we will always do what is best for the children and we will always be friends.  I love him but I'm not in love with him at this time and I don't know that I can get that back again.  We are taking it slow and will just see what happens.
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Ready to give up!
Reply with quote  #432 

Discouraged...your situation sounds so much like mine.  My FIL died 9 yrs ago.  My MIL is chronically ill and is now 74yrs old.  We sold our home and moved in when my FIL died b/c my husband is an only child and they had a farm and he didn't want his mom to sell it.  I agreed at the time however it's been all down hill ever since.  We had no privacy and she went on our vacations as well.  She over stepped so many boundaries that I don't even know where to start.  I never felt like I could get a break.  It was something all the time.  All she wants to do is sit and watch tv and eat sweets and she's diabetic, which makes her health worse.  I just got to a point where I couldn't deal anymore...8 yrs later.  Like I said before in the post to Cassie, it was the right decision for me.  After fighting for my marriage for the past 8 yrs (been married 17 and together 24) and not getting any results from my MIL or my husband I just had to do what I had to do in order to maintain my sanity.  Best of luck to you.  I definitely feel your pain. 

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Discouraged
Reply with quote  #433 
To Ready to Give Up--

My mil is diabetic as well, yet addicted to sweets.  She is very unhealthy, and I can't help feeling as though she brought some things on herself.  Then when she plays the helpless act, I just can't stand to be here.  There were some "breathing/coughing" boughts that she went through at one point, but usually only around my husband.  I told him if she ever had a problem around me, I would call the ambulance.  She never had them around me.  When my husband told her he was going to call the amublance, she stopped them altogether.  Who does that?

I just want my privacy back.

I am surprised your husband doesn't need or ask for your help.  I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up getting a maid, nursing help, and eventually and finally put her in a/l.  
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TiredSidhe
Reply with quote  #434 
I can verify that the ambulance thing works WONDERS. That's what we do with MIL. If you are that sick where you can't breathe, or are that weak, we call 911. Those episodes have stopped.

Get her out of your house. We are booting MIL to the curb for the same reasons you have noted. She is unable to follow house rules and behave herself.
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Ready to give up!
Reply with quote  #435 
Discouraged,

I know exactly what you are talking about.  You wouldn't believe my weekend.  I'm separated from my husband.  I went to HIS family reunion this weekend because the kids wanted me to.  I was planning to go only for an hour or so and leave...it just didn't work that way.  His mother had to play the poor pitiful me card.  He was in the hay field and I was at my house with the kids...I get a call to please come pick him up at the hay field and get him home b/c something's wrong with his mother.  Long story short she ends up going to the hospital in an ambulance and I get stuck with his family.  The only thing wrong with her was she was slightly dehydrated and had a mild case of vertigo.  Of all her help problems this is all they could find.  She was fine when she finally got home after everyone left and even went to Sunday school this morning.  I truly believe that she did that to get sympathy and make me look bad.  She does that every time.  The last time we had a family event she did the same thing.  Separated and still having to deal. 
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