Ready to give up!
Reply with quote #436
Makes more sense to say..."with all her health problems"
Reply with quote #437
I changed my name from Discouraged to Resentful.
I don't think my mil is going to leave. She acts like she is trying, and I think she believes she is trying, but I just don't think it's going to happen. She is so "helpless" and codependant, I think that attitude is sabataging action towards independance.
I am so tired of this situation. I am tired of the stress, the anger, the guilt.
She is so passive-aggresive, codependant, and I feel like my husband is an enabler. I think she is here for good.
Reply with quote #438
Maybe your husband needs to know that if his mother is "here for good," his wife may not be. Just a thought. Please accept my sympathy for your dilemma.
Reply with quote #439
The longer she stays the harder it will be to pry her out of your house. When she moved in was it expected to be a short stay until she is 'better', or no one said anything and you and husband hoped it wouldn't be for long? When she moved in with you did she give up her house/apt/condo? Where did she live before the stroke and was she able to take care of herself, drive, etc? It's a bit easier to get them out if they have a place to go already set up. Could you go visit frends or family for 2 or 3 weeks? Perhaps by then your husband will be so insane he'll have the guts to tell her she has to move.
Reply with quote #440
Great idea, OhDear! I'm pretty much a fan of treating people to 'Coming Attractions." Oftentimes we don't know what we want until we get a big heaping helping of what, we come to find out, we DON'T want. Yep, it's his mama. Give him some time to deal with her on his own and start wondering about just what that will be like if he gets stuck doing it for a long long time ...
On The Edge
Reply with quote #441
I would like to share my problems with my MIL as well. I have been married since 2 years now. My husband is a nice guy but his mother hated me always. My MIL has always been obsessed with her son I never saw all this before wedding, we had discussed we will live separately and that is how things will be. But now my husband, says different things he says he feels guilt for leaving her alone. Even I have a single mother who is living alone. Of late, my MIL complained of schizophrenia and anxiety and she moved in with us. My husband convinced me to have her until we begin a house construction on the existing old MIL's house as two small places. So then we will have our own space and she will have hers in the same compound. But I am finding it very difficult to live with her. She never converses with me only talks to the son and she never communicates well. In future also I feel she will never let go of my husband and I might have to have her for all her life or mine whichever comes first. Sometimes I repent I didn't see all this before wedding that fact that this was a love marriage. Now I do not even have a good sex life, we have a 1BHK house and absolutely no privacy with MIL. Don't know! feels terrible. She only wants to watch devotional channels and kills us with that. i feel liek a nun more than a human being. I feel like I should call it quits on one side because I am already mentally drained having taken care of a mentally sick grandpa and now I have ended with this kind of MIL. Please suggest how I can handle her.
Reply with quote #442
It will get worse, much worse, because these women live by divide and conquer and they hate being alone, they like to share their misery. .
Several posters here either brought MIL to live with them, in separate quarters or went to live in MIL's house. Their stories are not pretty, but you can learn from them. I hope they write to you.
What I can advise is that you never let your guard down. Keep up boundaries, no open access between the apartments. Install an inside doorbell, she must ring and wait to be let into your apartment like any other guest.
While you are rehabbing-sound proof between the apartments so you never have to hear her TV blasting.
From the get go plan for her to have food and pharmacy delivery. Do not become the runner for her.
Do not become her chauffeur either, arrange for senior citizen transportation.
Sign up for "lifeline" for her or get a DIY device from Amazon, these units have no monthly fees.
Start off with aids and cleaning help, so she knows you won't be doing it.
Develop a bad back. Be distant, but friendly.
If she has hobbies, promote them. Make sure she learns you are not her companion.
Do not take her out to eat with you on a regular basis. Keep your private time private. Take her out only on special occasions.
Reply with quote #443
It is such a comfort to learn that I am not the only one out there that is struggling with living with a MIL.
I am 26 years old, live in California and my husband and I have been married for two years. My MIL has had brain cancer for over 5 years now with 3 different surgeries. Prior to our marriage, she lived alone and we would come over and visit with her. After the third surgery she decided to move to Texas because there is more affordable living then California since she lost her job due to excessive absences. (i tried telling her that getting fired for medical illness was illegal but she didn't want to fight it) My husband and I relocated to Seattle shortly after. After living in Seattle for a year, the cancer returned. Around the same time, I found out that we are pregnant with our first child. She then tells us she was quoted to only live for 9 months and that she was getting to the point to where she couldn't take care of herself anymore.
My husband has an older brother and a younger sister but we are the only ones financially established enough to help her. My husband has always been a giving soul and providing for his mother. He has lived with her on and off his whole life since my MIL divorce when he was 10. And always being her caregiver, he felt it is his job to take care of her. I agreed to this because I want to support my husband and it wouldn't last forever. My MIL decided she wanted to move back to California to be closer to my husbands siblings, which sounded like a good idea since they could help out with her.
Boy I was wrong. We spent half of our savings for a house to move us and her down here and my BIL and SIL have come by to visit her twice. She is needy, complains about the apartment, her dog doesn't like our puppy, and has not once thanked us for taking her in. We're a little behind on our bills now that we moved down unexpectedly, and she complains that we don't have the right kind of food she wants to eat. I know that, I'm pregnant and am not eating as healthy as I should because we pay her bills and have baby bills to pay for. We have a two bedroom apt and when the baby comes, this apartment will feel even smaller. I am not a religious person, my MIL is and that's okay, but its not okay to tell me how to raise my child once she is born.
I am now six months pregnant living with my MIL and her health is not declining. Each MRI my MIL gets back is better and better. Which I don't mean to sound evil, I'm glad she's doing well, but I agreed to her living with us under the assumption that she really needed our help. Not when she is fully functional. She complains that we don't have cable for her to watch all day, since we trimmed that expense to pay for baby expenses.
I talk to my husband about it every now and then but I hate making things more stressful for him. I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I work fulltime so I get out of the house but dread coming home. What I dread even more is when I have this baby and am stuck at home with my MIL on maternity leave. Which upsets me even more that I'm dreading a time in my life that is supposed to be the happiest.
I do not know what else to do, but just being able to vent about it here when some are in a similar situation helps.
Reply with quote #444
I read some of you saying you have lived with MIL for years... I bow to you and your strength. I have spent one month with mine and I want to scream and cry, have acut ally done that on a few seperate occasions. My MIL has been with us for a little over a month. When she showed up, she had 5 dogs, two of which were bullies (pit bulls) that had to be kept outside in 30° or less weather. I was the one who dragged the cages in the garage so they wouldn't freeze to death. She still leaves them kenneled 16 hours at a time. I'm not always home to do it and I try my best not to do HER job and take care of her responsibilities.
When I cook (and by cook, I mean gumbo and potato salad from scratch, 3 hours of chopping, prepping, boiling etc) not once did she offer to help. When she ate, she didn't like raw onion in potato salad and she didn't like the egg that was in the gumbo.... She chose to put the egg in her gumbo, well at least she was honest about what she didn't like! Did she do any of her dishes? No. So, I quit cooking. She left a full bowl of soup on the counter, walked away and text on her phone. When approached by the DH, she said "oh I'm done." Like b****, where do you think you are?!? So, I quit doing dishes. I quit cleaning. I quit doing all I usually do because I refuse to pick up after an adult child. She was supposed to move out today - sat on the couch and watched movies. Yesterday, same thing. She has not put the down payment on her place, which was move in on the 1st... which is now done and over with.... I can't have her here. I will not be able to make it. I have spent 8 hours in my room to not have to talk to her because I have nothing nice to say to her. I have a job, go to school, keep the house clean, the husband and myself fed - I am a woman. She is lazy. She would rather spend her time chasing a check for disability, for something she doesn't even have, and clean houses under the table (when she feels like doin it) - I don't understand how my DH is related to her at all. If she doesn't leave by monday, I would like to go stay with a friend. I can't focus on school all stressed out and I have 2 semesters left. I need my space. She is the most inconsiderate, narcissistic, selfish, self centered entitled person I have ever met. Oh! And she credits herself for my husbands achievements? That's a joke and even her sister knows it. It sounds harsh, but it's true. And the only reason I'm ok with expressing that (aside from it being online) is because she shows no interest in changing or giving two flying f**** about anyone but herself. Oh poor me, feel bad for me! No. And if I were in her situation.. that's not valid, because some people deserve life to s**t on them and for it not to be so easy anymore. Time to grow up, put some big girl panties on and gtf out of my house. **sigh** thanks for listening...
Reply with quote #445
Ugh, I feel your pain. It's been 2 years 3 months since somehow my in laws convinced us living with them was a good idea. Dh, ds and I were renting a great home but decided we wanted to buy a home. Somehow my In laws convinced Dh that we should buy together since fils health was getting poorer. I made it clear I wanted as much separation as possible in the new home so we didn't get on each other's nerves and they disliked me for this. Now two years later we all hate each other and we are building a kitchen in the basement of the home to completely separate from them. See I was right. I always got along with my mil we had a great relationship but then she changed she became monster in law. Everything I cooked wasn't good enough. Comment after nasty comment. Then she started throwing out every kitchen item I moved in with and buying all new. Then came the day I told her we were building the kitchen to separate. After she threw out most my kitchen items and now I was forced to use hers, after I would cook with an item she then would hide them so I was left with one baking sheet. When I moved in with three, she threw out my pizza pans and then hid hers. She threw out my griddle which dh and I used every weekend bought a new one which we used then she hid it. It got to the point where I had to pack up all my kitchen stuff so she couldn't throw any more out. She even threw out the toaster and bought a new one and left it in the box so no one could use it. It's so bad we don't have electricity to the kitchen yet except one outlet but I'm forced to leave her kitchen and cook with a electric skillet and microwave until we finish. She is crazy.
Reply with quote #446
Hi I've just found this site and would like to know how any of us keep sane with mil living in our house! I feel like crying and that I am going crazy, some days I can't be bothered to even speak to her!
Reply with quote #447
Where are your husbands in all this?? They should be standing up to their mom's/dad's and going to bat for the wife. Why are you folks doing the cooking, etc?
Reply with quote #448
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you for sharing your stories. I have been feeling like I'm a horrible person because I just cannot deal with this woman any more. I have had so many people in my life tell me that I am one of the most positive, kind people they have ever met and yet I feel like every ounce of that has been sucked out of me by my life sucking, mean, manipulative, negative and EVIL MIL. I have been dealing with her in our house for three years and one month. The past four months have been absolute hell. We have been in discussion with my SIL and her husband to make a change. MIL needs far more care than we can provide and she constantly messes with me which is obvious that in this case that she knows EXACTLY what she is doing.
We are in the process of trying to figure something else out for her. She needs the care of a NH, yet my husband, SIL and her husband do not want to put her there. The only AL in our area is private pay and very expensive. While I want MIL out of our house IMMEDIATLY, we cannot make it happen that fast and I am to the point that I feel like I am going to completely lose what is left of my mind. They want to put her in a house of her own and I am doubtful that there is enough home care available that can keep her in a safe, healthy environment living on her own. She has a horrible inconstancy issues, is very unstable both mentally and physically. I think she may have some initial stages of Dementia or something with similar symptoms. I try to think of things from her perspective and be compassionate but I am not just going to allow someone to be spiteful and mean and be okay with it - especially not in OUR HOUSE. There is always another choice, but as we all know, sometimes none of the options are ideal. As much as my MIL is like the EVIL villain in a fairytale, I do wish the very best possible outcome for her as well as the rest of the family. One thing that has helped me to hold on to what is left of my sanity is to write down things that I'm grateful for. I hope despite what we are all dealing with that you all have many other things in life to be grateful for.
Reply with quote #449
The guilt has to stop. You all have the right to be angry and upset or sad. Let's do something about it. And let's get those husbands involved or teach them a real lesson.
Reply with quote #450
The MIL's must be stood up too from you all and their sons.