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No Name
Reply with quote  #31 

Shell,

Hubby and I have talked a lot about what we will do in the future with MIL.  Wouldn't it be nice if she suggested that she go to AL so that she would be around others her age? That would take a lot of guilt and stress off of us.  She never will though.  I have offered so many times to take her to senior activity centers and she absoulutely refuses to go even if I go with her.  She won't go to the library, all the books that she likes to read are too far up on the shelves....blah, blah, blah.  She has a million excuses for just hanging around the house bugging me.  She will develop a headache or some other illness so that we don't take her and drop her off somewhere that has other elders there.  She says that she has nothing in common with THOSE people.  How bout old age as something common!!! What do ya do with someone like that? 

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Sue
Reply with quote  #32 
Hi NoName,

To answer your last question, I have to say, " D*** if I know!"  But I'll pass along a piece of advice I got from my aunt who took care of her mother.

You wait for the phone call.  The phone call that says, "Your MIL is in the hospital."  Then, you never take her home.  She goes from hospital to al/nh (whichever is appropriate).

By all means, if you can get her to move somehow before The Phone Call, absolutely do it.  But if you can't get her out of there, The Phone Call is the easiest way to go.

Good luck, Sue

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NoName
Reply with quote  #33 

Sue, that is kindof what we are waiting for.  Some reason that she would be ill or in the hospital and then move her right to NH, at least not back here. I agree that would be the easiest and simplest way, then it looks like she needs to be somewhere else and not that we don't want her here anymore.

Thanks.

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Janie
Reply with quote  #34 

No Name...  Thats what I did with my one aunt,  she ended up in hospital after never going to Doctor for 83 years,  and from there with the help of Social Services, and Doctor.. I placed her in Personal Care Home .... She has now been there for over a year and still wants to go home... But this is where she will stay.. she is clean, fed, bathed and safe...

 

I could not even get her to go to Doc before this happened... She was a very stubborn lady who would not ever leave her house.. (And I might add she is one MEAN hateful lady also..

 

Good Luck

Janie

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Penny
Reply with quote  #35 

The mistake I regret every single day when I wake up is the day I moved my mother into my house.  My dad died a year ago and I have been living in hell since.   My mother is mean, a really mean old lady.   She's driven all the family away from her with her criticism and nastiness.  She's totally verbally abusive.    She's destroying my life with her negativeness and I'm not her slave.  She treats me like a child and I'm ready to explode any day.

 

I have dreams of telling her off, but I just don't do it.  I just ignore her but it's eating me up inside.  My nerves are a mess and I don't know how my husband puts up with it.  He plays "deaf and dumb" around her and stays clear of her.  It's only been a year and I'm hanging on by a thread.

 

I've read other posts, saying that I need to wait until that moment she has to go into the hospital and never let her come home.   Mother is healthy with a few ailments, but at 78 you never know, so I will wait and be patience.

Thank goodness I do have a job and those of my hours of peace.

 

 

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Lane
Reply with quote  #36 

Our way back to a normal peaceful life was when my MIL (75) was hospitalized and with the help of a social worker, she was placed in a NH and there she will stay.   My hubby and I both agree this was for the best for her and for us.   It was too much dealing with her anger and negativeness.   MIL will never be a happy woman again, it's not  in her.

 

The one consolation is that she's safe and cared for at the NH.  I can't say it's the best care or place, but she can't come home.   We visit her regularly and the best thing is when she acts up, we simply get up and leave.   It was hard to do the first time, but now it's just the norm.  We don't have to hear or deal with her anger at all -- what a great feeling !

 

 

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Lynn
Reply with quote  #37 

This is exactly how I got my Mom back to Assisted Living. She lived with me for a year after my Dad died, and I was going insane!  I did not want to go home and I felt totally trapped.You will never have time to plan for this to happen, so I suggest that you inquire at either a NH or Assisted Living place.  Find out if there is an opening, know what the costs are and how it would work. Here is how I worked it out.  My Mom fell and hit her back and broke her wrist 3 days after my Dad died.  I had to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital.  My husband was out of town and I was home alone with her around 10:30 at night.  At the ER we were told that she had broken the wrist so bad that she would require surgery, so they wrapped it up and sent us home with appt to see an orthopedic surgeon the next day.  Of course I was dealing with trying to have my Dad's funeral and all of those arrangements.  My Mother's dementia was really speeding up.  She kept taking the splint off of her arm and throwing the bandages in the trash can, and then saying that she didn't do it, wondering why her arm was hurting--it was terrible--I just wanted to run away! In the mean time I am still trying to hold down a full time job. So, two days after the funeral, I took her in for surgery.  She had no idea why she was there!!!! I called her regular Dr the day before she went in and told him that he just had to keep her at the hospital after the surgery for evaluation, and from there she was going back to AL- that I just could not take care of her anymore. The surgeon had to do the surgery and then agree to admit her and turn her over to the regular dr who then admitted her for evaluation.  It was a good thing because after surgery she got out of bed and fell 2 times.  The first time she pulled out her IV and messed all over the floor.  The DR came in and found her on the floor.  Then before they could get restraints for her, she got up again thinking that she heard me in the hall, and fell and broke her kneecap.  So the Dr and I came up with the idea to put her in the Skilled Nursing Facility part of the hospital for a few weeks.  This gave me time to call the Assisted Living and find out exactly when I could move her back in and get her furniture out of my garage.  I worked it out so that I moved all of her furniture back to the AL and had it all set up so that when I brought her home that day, she went right to the AL. She never had to come back to my house and then leave again.

 

I can't begin to tell all of you how liberating that day was for me.  I felt like a caged tiger running out into the woods.  I still have the daily frustrations of her living 10 minutes away, and being the only one she has, and the guilt, but nothing can compare to them living in your house and consuming your entire life.  The day that I knew that she was going to the Skilled Nursing Facility, and from there to the AL, I went right home and took everything that belonged to her out of the room she was staying in.  I packed it up and put it in the garage with the rest of her furniture.  I scrubbed that room from top to bottom, cleaned the carpet, sprayed Lysol, opened the windows and aired it out.  I felt like a 100 pound weight had been lifted from me.

 

I strongly recommend this method as the way to get them out of your house.  I told my Mom that the Dr would not let her come back home to my house because she needed 24 hour supervision.  I told her that her choices were to stay in the hospital, go to a Nursing Home, or back to Assisted Living, and those were the only choices that he gave me.  I just let it sound like those were the doctors orders.

 

It has been 6 months now since my Mom has been back at AL. Since then she has been in and out of the hospital 7-8 times. I deal with the guilt of that every day, but NOTHING compares to the resentment I had when she lived with me.

 

This is the only way I would have ever been able to do this.  There is no way my Mother would have willingly gone back to AL without my Dad.  I just advise all of you to do your homework, be prepared when the time is right so that you can just make a few calls and avoid all of the stress.

 

If you don't live it, then you have no idea what it does to you.

 

Thinking of you all!!!

Lynn

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NoName
Reply with quote  #38 

Lynn, thank you for the info.  I totally get you and what you went through!!! Our plan is to do the very same thing.  If MIL falls or becomes where she can't climb stairs or get around, we will put her somewhere then.  Even though I hate having her here, I could not at this point just kick her to the curb, I am not that cruel.  I think that when the time comes and the doctor "says" that she can not come back home will be a great day.  If she needs to be in a hospital setting for any reason that isn't minor, we will act then and I am positive that her doctor will help us out in any way that he can in that matter.  I know that feeling of freedom.  When we were able to send her to a relatives for 7 days last year, I told my husband that I felt like a kid again on spring break!!! Away from parent's prying ears and eyes.  I loved it.  You really don't appreciate your freedom until you don't have it anymore.  If it was for the care of a grandchild or my husband or one of my kids, I think that I would have a total different outlook.  She got to live her life, did not care for her parents or inlaws at all, sent them to a NH.My inlaws did not plan for their old age except for my hubby to care for them and we both resent it so bad.  I really think that the best years of my life are taken up with her care and my bitter feelings towards it.  I get up every morning and there is a heaviness that I can't quite lift off of my shoulders.  Know what I mean?

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Shell
Reply with quote  #39 

No Name - "wouldn't it be nice if MIL suggesting going to al?"  Gee, wouldn't it be nice if our kids decided to do their homework and brush their teeth?  Wouldn't it be nice if they could be trusted to eat the right foods, take showers, and show up to school on time everyday?   They do it because we make sure they do it, and they have no other choice.   Then they grow up, and are appreciative of the things we "made" them do.  Most elderly are very happy, once they have settled in and gotten used to the AL facility.  Some have a new lease on life!  Others remain cranky and miserable, and blame their kids for Everything.   Which they'd have done anyway.  Do you want them being cranky and miserable at YOUR house - or with professionals, being paid to put up with that stuff?  I know I'll get flamed, but man - life is TOO short to suffer for people that will NEVER appreciate what you do, and for whom it will never be enough. (and who will never 'grow up' and leave home, willingly)  And those are the folks I'm talking about - not the parents who are sweet and nice, and who were really good parents, at one time. 

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NoName
Reply with quote  #40 

Shell, as usual you have all of the answers!!! 

 As I posted to you before, you need to walk the walk to talk the talk.  It is easy to say what everyone else should do.  When you become a full time caregiver for an elderly parent, like the majority of us, then you would really know what the rest of us are going through. Your mom is in her 60's still drives, does not live with you, does her own shopping I assume, gets herself to her own appointment etc. Try being a little more compassionate instead of being so hasty to tell everyone what you would do or what we should do.

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No Name
Reply with quote  #41 

Shell, last time I looked this was still called a "support group", get it?

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Shell
Reply with quote  #42 

I am trying to be supportive, by encouraging some of you to get your lives back.  I'm not speaking to everyone.  I'm not condemning anyone.  I think many of the caregivers here are wonderful, unselfish people.  I am trying to encourage those, however, who are TOO unselfish.  I know that it takes time.  But I am trying to encourage people to drop the guilt - at least, some of it.  Yes - my mother is still self-sufficient.  So if you didn't know me, you wouldn't think I would know anything about this subject.  I tried to explain before.  My father was paralyzed (actually he was a high functioning quad - which meant he had good use of his hands, but not total) since I was 5.  My brother was born hearing impaired, and lost his eye sight in his twenties.  I have always been around to help them.  We lost my dad when he was 45, I was 21.  I miss him.  My mother is self-sufficient now - but she's been through a lot - a lot of it self-inflicted.  Religious fanatic for awhile.  Then an alcoholic.  Swore off men at age 50.  Very needy, very clingy.  Broke a bone once, and expected a great deal from me.  My brother went through his own bout with alcoholism - and mental illness.  I have picked him up from jail, driven him to crisis centers, gone with my mother to AA -- lots of stuff.  I will STILL do what is necessary for them - so isn't that some care giving?  My point is that if my mother had her way - I'd be doing so much more for her and my brother than I do now.  They CAN and SHOULD and DO need to do things for themselves - but they have to be forced.  Once the do and they realize they can do it - they are happy and proud of themselves.  I think I'm trying to be supportive by telling people that you can only do so much.  If you keep trying to do it all, you will burn out - and your relationships will change.  These poor elderly people -- are they being served by caregivers who have grown, in some cases, to resent them - or hate them?  I don't think so.   I'm not here to judge, but only say it as I see it.  I just can't handle seeing people give up TOO much of their own lives.  People don't marry or have children because they are taking care of their parents!  Or they're knocking themselves out trying to take care of parents AND children, and in many cases, some are getting the short shrift -- and its probably not the old, cantankerous, selfish, needy elderly person - who seems to forget that their child has a life of their own.   No - my mother doesn't need me yet, but someday I realize that she will.  I am lucky that I learned from others, who have the same attitude that I do now - that I will be there for her when she needs me - not just when she thinks she needs me.   And there is no sense getting burned out on her needs right now, not when she CAN do things herself, or figure out a way to get it done without constantly relying on me or my husband.   I'm not trying to be a jerk, or say that I have all the answers.  I have been around other elderly relatives, as well --- and I have the co-worker who is being run ragged by her mother who had the stroke.  Am I not allowed to have opinions?  And it isn't as though I have MY whole life figured out -- what does happen when my M gets too old to drive?  Too old to climb the stairs in her 2-level?  What happens when she dies - and I'm the only one in the whole world that my brother has?  So - I come here for support as well - not to be yelled at. 

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Shell
Reply with quote  #43 

No Name - Get it?

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Shell
Reply with quote  #44 

Now I feel bad.  I know that its sort of out of your hands, No Name, because its your MIL, not your M.   I am a firm believer in "tough love" but I know that there are some situations where you are really stuck.  Hang in there - I do hope the best for you.   It does kill me when I hear about ya'll giving up so much of your lives, and your homes are not the peaceful places of refuge that they should be.  I'm sorry. 

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Shell
Reply with quote  #45 

Its just when I read these posts about ungrateful, self-centered, cranky elderly --- it does seem to me that they should be loaded up and dropped off at the local AL center or NH, without a look back.  I know it sounds horrible, and I know that its far easier said than done.  I just hope that I have learned enough - and that it stays with me, that I won't go to an AL kicking and screaming.  I'll know when its time, and I'll try to make the best of it, and not try to force my son and his family to give up their lives for me.  My opinion is that its not right.  You can still care about and care for someone, without them living with you.   Its just sad that life has to come to this, at all. 

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