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NoName
Reply with quote  #46 

Hi Shell and all,

Yep, we all have our stories and some are worse than others.  Actually it is good that you are at this sight and getting info so that you don't make the mistake that the rest of us have made by having an elderly parent live with us.  I do agree that it is a little bit harder when it is a MIL rather than my own mom.  I think that once an elder person is living with you it would be harder to tell them that they have to go to a NH or AL.  If we had placed her there from the get go, then we wouldn't be going through this mess now.  When FIL passed away 2 yrs ago, she did not want to return to their apartment and live alone.  She has never been alone and was scared, nervous etc.  With the best intentions and caught up in the moment of sorrow and feeling sorry for her, we told her that she could move in with us, big, big mistake!!! If only I could go back to that time and know what I know now.  Wow, would all of our lives be different.  I guess I don't make her move out because, one, she is my MIL and I don't want it on my shoulders that one of these days hubby might resent me for the fact that I made him put his mom out.  I want it to be his decision shared with me or the fact that she gets unhealthy in any way, then we both have decided that she will have to go somewhere that will have continued care for her.  Then of course there would be the "blank stares, silence" of others when you have put her out because they just don't understand what could be so hard caring for that sweet old lady.  I just get tired of trying to defend myself and my feelings to other people who don't have a clue because they don't have an elderly person living with them.  I was probably the same way before she moved in with us.  Now I understand.

I think that we all can learn from each other and help each other out during this trying time.  Some have things worse than others on this board.  I look at what some of these people have to live with and then I thank my lucky stars that I don't have their problems with their elderly.  Someone always has things worse. 

Shell by the way, does your brother have Usher Syndrome? Sounds like your family has had their share of problems!!

Lets all be there for each other, Sisters in Hell together!!!!

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Shell
Reply with quote  #47 

Yes!!  My brother has Ushers.  How did you know?  Not many people are aware of Ushers!  

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Georgia
Reply with quote  #48 
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoName

  I think that once an elder person is living with you it would be harder to tell them that they have to go to a NH or AL.  If we had placed her there from the get go, then we wouldn't be going through this mess now. 

 

That is exactly what I should have told husbands family (to put her in AL from the beginning) but his family dropped her off like an animal and no one would consider having a family meeting to discuss this, including my husband. I bit---- for a year on having a family meeting and no responce. Now, my husband is telling me "Man, we definanetly have to have a meeting on what to do with Mom because she is getting to be a 2 year old" And to think, I harped on him for so long about this and all I was told was to "Deal with it, it's just an old lady" Now he see's why the family dropped her on our doorstep. They knew it too! But you try to call them and it's no answer, or there "sick", hell, one even said her husband had a heartattack and he looks better than ever. I want to choke all of them!

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NoName
Reply with quote  #49 

Shell, I know about Ushers because my son was diagnosed with RP = retinitis pigmentosa and I have done a lot of research on it.  It is devastating to our whole family but Ushers is so much worse, no sight and no hearing would be terrible.   I am so sorry for you and him and your family.  As soon as you said that he was born hearing impaired and then lost his sight at an early age, I immediatly thought of Ushers.  We could probably talk for hours on that subject. Son is doing well,still driving and sight is going slowly,  we are keeping up on research and supposedly his RP is not heriditary so grand daughter will not get it.  Terrible diseases aren't they?

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NoName
Reply with quote  #50 

Georgia, hopefully you will get that family meeting!!

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Laura
Reply with quote  #51 

My computer connection died on me... Ugh...

 

Georgia,

 

How are you doing?  For a while there it didn't sound like it was going too well after you and hubby moved out.  Is everything okay now?

 

Also, do you know when your episode is going to air?  I have been waiting on pins and needles to see it..

 

Hugs,

 

Laura

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Shell
Reply with quote  #52 

NoName - Yes - Retinitus Pigmentosa - exactly.  So your son has it - but not along with the hearing loss?   And they say it isn't genetic?  I guess I always thought it was genetic - but since its resessive (sp?) its just that there is a small chance of passing it along - and both parents would have to carry the gene.  But I could be mistaken about that.  I believe my brother's is genetic, so I could carry the gene.  But the chance would have been very, very small for me to have children with another carrier.  And thankfully our DS is fine.  My brother drove only for a short time when he was in high school and a few years beyond.   I don't think he probably should have been driving even then, but my dad wanted him to have the chance.  It is a horrible disease, but they are making strides.  I read things about experiments and inventions that are in the works.  It would be so wonderful if my brother could get even some sight back.  All he has now is light and shadows, basically.  He does have some hearing, though - so that is good.  We can talk on the phone, and he can usually understand me.  Well, I do have to repeat myself often - but I can usually get my point across.   His speech isn't always easy to understand - so he repeats too.  Before he lost most of his sight, we had the TTY (caption) telephones, and the closed caption TV.  But now - there really isn't a lot for him.  He does do in-hand signing and finger spelling.    They also say that trauma can bring on the vision loss sooner - at least thats what they told us.  My brother had a dramatic loss in vision after my dad died.  They were joined at the hip when he was alive, so it sent us all into a tailspin.  Actually, the point that my family is at right now is probably the healthiest spot we've been in SINCE my dad died, in 1984.  Mom's sober for 15 years now, and is holding a job and doing well,  brother is in a good group home, and my husband and I are still here, raising our son and plugging away.  So I know I shouldn't complain.  Maybe I'm more scared now than I was when it was constant chaos about something - or many things simultaniously - because I feel like things are suddenly so good, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm waiting for my mom to quit her job, or get sick, or have my brother freak out and get sent back to the hospital -- and I worry about my immediate family, of course - just the normal worries.   I feel like I earned the rest that I'm having now - where I've been able to just concentrate on me, my husband and my son -- and I just want my mother and my brother to continue doing their part, to keep things stable.  But I know things can happen that wouldn't be their fault, and of course I would help them.  Its just that I am so burnt out on worrying about everyone else all the time.... even when I'm not doing something for them, I still feel like I have a big burden of worry and guilt that I carry around.  I'm sure you know that feeling - and most everybody on this board knows what I mean.  I talk about it with my co-worker, too.  Even when you go away for vacation or for a weekend (and I know a lot of people don't even get to do that much, so I am grateful) you still can't help but be worried and concerned - and yes, a little annoyed you can't ever feel "free".   And then maybe you come home, and the phone is ringing.... and its another problem.  And then you feel like, gosh - I can't even go away without everything falling apart.  And you look around, and you see tons of people who Don't Live Like That.  But then, there is always someone who does have it worse.    

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kelly
Reply with quote  #53 

Untill I read your emails I was feeling so alone. My mother in law has lived with us for 1 and a half years. my boyfriend and I are a very young couple 27 and have been only dating for 3 years. Half the time has been spent living with his mother. She is bipolar and was hit by a car 2 years ago and had to have surgery. We have had to wait on her hand and foot for the first while, now her meds are under control and shes doing phisio so she is able to get around alot better. We cook all her meals do her grocerys, laundry ect. She is a smoker who disrespects us by smoking in the house when we have asked her not to on numerous occasions. I am so mad at her I cant even stand to look at her and I feel the same guilt as all of you about having these feelings about her. The worst is that she has 5 children 2 of which are daughters that dont do a dame thing with or for her. I feel like im going to explode inside, my boyfriend says its not forever but one more day is two long. I want to tell her whos boss but I dont want to be disrespectful. Help we have to form a plan here and the real question is, is it our husbands fault and do we make them chose between us?

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Olivia
Reply with quote  #54 
Kelly,

My hands are shaking as I write this.

Please, I beg of you, I BEG OF YOU, do not let this situation continue. I was your age when my husband and I moved back in with his elderly mother after his dad died. We were the 'chosen' ones in the family for this task, and have been here doing 'Queen Mother' duty for sixteen years. We gave up having children, and I gave up on a college education and a normal life. We lost our privacy and have been patronized by his siblings. We are trapped, even though we did several things legally to try to protect ourselves.

Please, Kelly, listen to the people on this board. They are wise men and women who have lived what you are living. I am new, and I wish I had found this place years ago. Try to find some solution for your boyfriend's mother that involves the rest of the family. Have a 'pow wow' with them, and tell them that you are no longer going to bear the main burden of her care, and that they have to start taking responsibility whether they like it or not. If boyfriend's mother can be put into assisted living (AL), then contact Medicare and see what arrangements can be made, and how that will affect any assets she still owns.

Do not take 'no', or 'it's not possible' for an answer. It is time NOW to take charge and get tough. I know it's a cheeky and mean thing for me to say, but if your relationship with boyfriend falls apart because of this, then let it. Better to see what team he is on now. You could be married with children and going through this. There is a better life for you. But you must be strong. Boyfriend must realize that you and he are a team, and a unit, and you both must make the same choice as to her care, and not him in the middle choosing between the two women. That is not healthy for him, or you. You two must talk this out. The same situation nearly destroyed my marriage to my husband.

Whatever happens, do not let yourself continue in this downward spiral. It WILL NOT get better. Ever. Not until you find some autonomy in your relationship with your boyfriend apart from his mother.

Forgive my harsh words, as I do not mean to be cruel. I am desperately trying to tell you that you need to find your life, and this is not it. I send only my most tender and supportive feelings for you. There are tears in my eyes as I write this.

Please find some way to make freedom happen for yourself. Keep reading the letters on this site, as they will give you ideas for helping his mother find suitable housing, and care that doesn't involve you and your boyfriend. Please keep us posted.

Best and tender regards,
Olivia

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NoName
Reply with quote  #55 

Kelly, please take Olivia's and everyone else's advice on this board.  You are still young and taking care of this woman will age you and rob you of so many things.  Olivia, you are not being harsh at all.  You are telling it like it is.

There really is a better life out there for you, with or without your boyfriend.  Could you get your own place if boyfriend doesn't want to move his mom out and continue to see him on a dating basis at least for awhile and see how things go?  Hell, you might just discover that you really like that situation better.  Get out now for your own good. 

 

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Concerned
Reply with quote  #56 

Hello Jeanne, Noname, and Sue,

 

I hope I didn't offend you.  I just wanted to help.  The people who can use the information will use it.  Whomever, can not use it, will not.  I do understand and I am sorry you all have to go through something so stressful and exhausting.  However, you have to think of it this way.  Either you are going to lose your sanity or they are (MIL's). Can you risk your sanity?

 

 

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Olivia
Reply with quote  #57 
Concerned,

I went back to the first or second page of this thread, and read what you had originally written about MIL's, and how we should see things from their point of view. I want to fairly comment that I belive that most women on this thread, and that includes me, are staying in our respective situations because we DO want to support our MIL, and don't want them to feel unwanted, or useless, or pushed out of their original homes(where that applies). Thus, we sacrifice our personal freedoms for what we feel is 'right' --what is expected of us. We have stood up for the noble thing.

ANd boy.....was THaT eveR a Baaaad idea.

I try to think about things from MIL's point of view every day. I do my best to treat her with kindness and compassion, even when that is not returned in kind. The problem lies in the fact that she seldom thinks about things from MY point of view. The other problem lies in that the other 'uninvolved' siblings don't either. EVER. Not once in years. Because I'm not blood-kin?.......um.....well, my husband isn't treated any better. Walk a mile in my shoes.

If you look at the many posts on this site, as I am doing now, you'll see the trend of a bunch of generally well-meaning people being put into (or regretfully choosing) a caregiving situation, not knowing all the consequences that will hit them 'down the road', when there is almost no turning back. This situation is the kind of mistake you make only once, and it kicks you in the A*&&^^^ for the next ten years. That's why I think so many people on here, including me, regret their decisions, and advise any others contemplating the same thing to do something........ANYTHING......else.

We are not evil people. On the contrary, I think caregivers are the most unselfish, caring, empathetic people on the planet, because most of us stick to our role when common sense says we should have been thinking only of ourselves....a loonnnnnnng time ago.

So hey, maybe we aren't the smartest bears in the woods, and maybe we're here grouching about things, but at least we are trying to make the best of what can be an intolerable situation. We are not monsters. But I don't think you meant that. We are..............human.

And complaining in here sure beats laying down and dying. Which is definately an option for me some days.

I wish you well, and no hard feelings at all. I do see your side. I've just lived the other side 1,000 days too long.

Olivia.






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Olivia
Reply with quote  #58 
Oh. I just realized.
That last sentence should read 5,480 days too long.

And counting.

Olivia
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Georgia
Reply with quote  #59 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laura

My computer connection died on me... Ugh...

 

Georgia,

 

How are you doing?  For a while there it didn't sound like it was going too well after you and hubby moved out.  Is everything okay now?

 

Also, do you know when your episode is going to air?  I have been waiting on pins and needles to see it..

 

Hugs,

 

Laura

 

Laura, I am better but I am just very bitter towards her. Although it is my husbands fault very much too. Oh, on the show, you will see lots of my anger fits. Did you see that show on the step-parents on primetime? It reminds me of that one. It will be a while because they are comming back to put camera's in her new apartment for just a little while. I'll let you'll know.

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Laura
Reply with quote  #60 

Concerned:

 

I understand where you are coming from, but understand our side too.  Sure, these elderly don't want to be pushed out of their homes, but geez, don't you think they could be just a LITTLE appreciative???  Once in a while?? 

Considering the fact that most of them are in the situations they are in because they DIDN'T plan, and are expecting their kids to give up their lives to play servant to the parents..

 

I may sound evil and wicked, but as Olivia says, walk a mile or two in my shoes.  Or even better, live a couple of years in my situation or hers and see how wonderful it isn't.  People shouldn't judge unless they have been in the situation and can totally see it from everyone's perspective. 

 

Unfortunately, with the elderly, the ONLY perspective they see it from is theirs.  No one else's.  Just theirs.  There may be a few elderly that are sweet and loving and are appreciative, but you know what.  Their kids are not on this board.

 

See it from our perspective.  People give up their lives, some of us when we are younger (39) and older, and want to help their MIL.  My MIL had a stroke when she was 75.  She lived in this big 2 story house all by herself, worked, retired and right after she retired, bam, she had 2 strokes.  Now, she saved for years for her retirement, but now she can't get upstairs, to the kitchen or whatever and has to depend on us.  Her younger son, DIL and 2 grandchildren.  We didn't have to move in.  We were doing just fine on our own.  So, now she has to have a caregiver during the day while we work (we didn't move in to give up our jobs, just so that she would have someone there at night and on the weekends).  So, we save her over 3500/month in caregiving costs.  She does have to pay her weekly caregiver and the agency.  She only has enough money to live IF we live with her. Fine.  But just remember, we didn't have to move in with her.  She thinks for some reason that she is doing US a favor.  NOT>   No privacy, constant comments about my diet, my weight, how much money we spend, how much we eat out.. etc..  I DIDN"T SIGN ON FOR THAT CRAP!!!  

 

And on top of it..  If we didn't live there (and believe me, I would love to hold this over her head, but I don't.. I never say "you should be grateful" because she should be, but I shouldn't have to tell her).  We don't get any vacations etc..  She always wants to go with us.  She butts into our marriage.   She wants us to do things that the caregiver should be doing with her.

 

She can't live at her house and not have us live there too.  She can't afford it.  So at least say thank you once in a while.  NOPE.  Just get the "it's my house".  Yep..  Well, lady, you keep doing that and it will be "we are outta here and you will be at the AL faster than you can say zippidee do dah". 

 

So, maybe we should see it from their perspective, but beggars can't be choosers.  They should be grateful, not make it so that we don't ever want to help them.  Without us, most of them would either be at a NH, AL or on the street. 

 

Maybe Concerned, you could explain to me why they bite the hand that literally most of the time feeds them??? 

 

I am not trying to be rude, but it is really difficult to be in this situation and try and help someone that acts like they are 2, and throws temper tantrums, or does disgusting stuff like drink out of the milk jug (that was Jeanne's MIL), or doesn't bathe, or acts like they are the queen and assumes that you will take care of them - again, without any appreciation whatsoever.  I wouldn't take that from my kids, let alone my MIL.  

 

They may be scared about being dumped, but the reality is, they will be unless they can act like adults. 

 

Just my .02.

 

Laura

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