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NoName
Reply with quote  #61 

Laura, ditto on everything that you said.  My inlaws did not plan for their future whatsoever.  Lived for themselves always.  Now we are stuck with MIL.  And I do mean stuck.....

Just a small example of what we have to deal with at times, at a holiday gathering where I had prepared everything, hubby asked her if she wanted to try some of the crab dip, No, she says, it is imitation... I was embarassed, I had not read the ingredients at the deli, sure did taste good though!!! They did not have a pot to piss in but they ate filet mignon, the freshest finest fish, lunch meats, imported cheeses and FIL always had the best booze that money could buy!!! They enjoyed their years at the age that my husband and I are at now, did not help or care for their own elderly parents and here we. They barely have/had enough money to take care of cremation expenses!!!  They never checked into what it would cost to put them away because they were "too nervous and scared" to check out costs!!! They just expected that only son would take care of that bill also.  I could go on and on for hours and some stuff I have already said on previous threads.  I don't feel one bit sorry for these old folks.  I feel sorry for the old folks that I see in shopping malls and stores that are truly alone and just trying to muddle through their disoriented lifes as best they can, trying to stay independent, without asking others to take care of them. My MIL has a nice clean home, meals provided, heat and electric  security and safety here with us and still she only focuses on her self centered self. 

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Janet
Reply with quote  #62 

Here we are, all struggling in our caregiving roles.  We all started out with good intentions.  I'm realizing that the problem is that it takes "a village" to care for an elderly person in poor health - (to borrow Hillary Clinton's phrase used in reference to raising children).  The village would consist of a cook, a laundress, a housecleaner, an accountant, a groundskeeper (if the person still maintains a house), a chauffeur, a nurse, a psychologist, a pharmacist, a social secretary, friends to socialize with, and so on and so on.  Here we are, an adult child with or without a neglected spouse, trying to be a whole village of people taking care of the elderly person.

 

And even when stretching ourselves to the absolute limit of our physical, emotional and financial abilities, we don't succeed in making them happy or content.  And we are left with the feeling that we are sacrificing without success.  If we were putting this effort into raising a child, we would see the child flourish in health and wellness and we would feel fulfilled.  Instead, unfortunately, the older person's mental and physical health are in a downward spiral.  There may be some elderly who keep a positive attitude throughout their declining years and they may remain happy and appreciative.  But often, it's the opposite case, and they're in pain or depressed and still looking to us for the solution, and perhaps blaming us that we are failing.  It's sad to say, but we can't help but feel that it's a losing battle, and we resent it.

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NoName
Reply with quote  #63 

Janet, well said.....

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Jeanne
Reply with quote  #64 

I still don't think Concerned gets it.   

 

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Lynn
Reply with quote  #65 

Janet:

You have just condensed my feelings exactly.  It is so sad- I have done all of those things for both parents, given up my life with my family, but sadder than that, I have pushed my emotional well being to the max.  The anger, resentment, guilt and sadness have taken over the "real me". I neglected my own health, always running them to the doctor, not getting enough sleep, moving furniture, running to the hospital, nursing homes, assisted living, all while trying to work full time and take care of my own family.  So, when I finally take the time to get to my own Dr for a check up, he has me going in for every test in the book.  Now I am scared that there is something wrong with me, and I am resentful that my parents never bothered to think that I should have time to take care of myself.  My Dad is now gone, and at the present, my Mom is in the hospital in the skilled nursing unit and I am waiting for the Dr to tell me if she can go back to AL, or must go to a nursing home for good. She thinks that she is on a boat sailing from city to city, and wonders why I am not there all day, every day with her, she confuses my dad with my brother, and thinks she has more children than she does. I know soon that I will again have to move all of her furniture out of AL and move her to a NH somewhere and she never has or ever will know or care about what toll this has taken on me.  My husband says that in the end, I will be able to say that I did all I could for them and will have no guilt or regret, but I know that will not be the case.  I am just so very tired--Would I do it again????? Never.

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DT
Reply with quote  #66 

Yes Janet that was said soooo very well!  Last night  one of my twins asked to use MIL's black sharpie pen for a project she was working on.  Part of her school work.  MIL gave her the sharpie to use.  When my daughter was finished with the pen she put it in our supply drawer (not thinking as teens often do) My MIL comes storming into the kitchen and says "What did you do with my Sharpie?"  We are talking about an inexpensive pen!  You would think she had stolen her most precious treasure....UGH!  It amazes me how selfish she can be.  Especially when you look at the BIG picture and realize what we are sharing with her.   Just the tone of her voice was sooo accusing! Needless to say my daughter took care of it herself.  Its just ashame  that my family has to live in constant defense of themselves.

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Janet
Reply with quote  #67 

If we try to realize that it is literally impossible to perform all of the duties of caring for an elderly person, keep them happy, AND take care of ourselves and our own family unit, shouldn't we then go on to realize that we can ONLY DO THE BEST THAT WE CAN? - and stop beating ourselves up because we are not superheroes. 

 

I think that what is driving my own unhappiness, frustration, and resentment right now is that I know in my heart that I have sacrificed my own time, energy, money (by not being able to work at my at home job because of distractions).  My mother doesn't have the ability to realize all of my and my husband's sacrifices, because she's never been at this level of caregiving herself.  She doesn't even comprehend that right now we are so anxious to move to a smaller house with my husband starting his retirement.  But we are held to this street, because my mother lives here and we take care of her house (and her).  She lives in the fantasy that she is an independent lady living in her own house (when she could never be here if it were not for us.  When I even suggest that she hire a daily person (even for an hour) just so I can feel free (as she and my father were free at my age), she resents the suggestion, huffily tells me that she feels like a burden, says she doesn't want strangers in, etc.  In other words she turns the tables on me and suggests that I am ungrateful, that she should be in control of her own life, etc.  Feeling like a BAD DAUGHTER when I have done so much, makes me resentful and we are simmeringly angry at each other - with probably no hope of a compromise. She'll never see my side of the issue.

 

So my story here in this thread isn't even about my MIL - she's my own mother and I STILL have resentments.  I don't know how you all with your MIL's can do it. 

 

Lynn, I know how you feel about your health.  I think that another thing that is making me step up to the plate right now and be angry is that I am 58 - I'm realizing that my own health and time is running out - and I wonder if my husband and I will ever have any time to ourselves.  My father was only about 10 years older than I when he began to show signs of dementia and that was the end of his freedom.  I have begun to have bad bouts of arthritis and in doing research I'm seeing that stress can lead to so many illnesses.  Cortisol, I think, is the hormone released by stress and is a bad one.  Hopefully, now that you have time to take care of yourself, all will be well. You have to take care of yourself. 

 

Well, we all know now, that it is best to NOT try to do it all alone.  Although the elderly seem to choose one adult child to take the brunt of their care, it is more or less consigning that child to a prison (apologies to any cases that are working out well - some of us are not).  I think they feel that if one person cares for them, it is kind of like having a mother again.  It's too much - it takes many people sharing the care. 

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no name
Reply with quote  #68 

I hate this situation. My mother in law is living with us and I hate,hate,hate, it.

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tersita
Reply with quote  #69 
no name:

Is this a particularly bad morning for you?

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NoName
Reply with quote  #70 

Must be a different NoName.  Not me although I feel the same as the other noname.

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NoName
Reply with quote  #71 

Is there another noname on the board?  If so, notice that mine is NoName.Thanks Terasita for asking but blessedly, I was away this weekend with just me and hubby.  It was wonderful!!!! Just to be alone again, romance wasn't even necesary, just the time to ourselves was wonderful...... Anyway, the other noname must have been in town with her MIL unlike lucky me!!!!

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jo
Reply with quote  #72 

Sorry I will call my name Jo.

I was not lucky enough to be out of town with just husband and myself.

I long for the chance.

 

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NoName
Reply with quote  #73 

Hi Jo, Welcome!!!

What is your story?  We are hear to help and listen.  Believe me, this board is a lifesaver!!! 

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amien
Reply with quote  #74 

Janet, perhaps I missed this in previous posts, but have you clearly explained to your mother that you and your husband must move upon his retirement?  

 

We know we must move from our present home and community when we retire.  Our urban RE taxes and utility costs are extremely high, and our house equity is also our retirement savings account.  This decision isn't our "choice"; it's our "reality".  We're concerned about maintaining adequate financial resources to fund retirement.  Are you in a similar situation?  If your mother solely relies upon you, then she must also face your reality and decision-making priorities usurp her "need" to stay in her house.  Your mother's family and friends need to accept your situation as well, and not "guilt-trip" you into remaining in your current house.

 

My mother tries to place her specific needs and desires as my/our priorities.  For years I complied.  My compliance was harmful to my independence and emotional well-being, but this was our established family pattern.  Later as wife and mother, I knew that my continued compliance was in conflict with my own family's needs.  So now I deliberately assess my "mother obligations" from our perspective and not her neediness, and try to act accordingly.  Of course she's displeased and displays her displeasure.  But I no longer allow her to be my first priority, and I no longer am "living my life at her pleasure", because ultimately I feel my true obligations lie with my husband and children.  

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kelly
Reply with quote  #75 

I love this website, it gives me a chance to vent and ask questions. So heres one, oh by the way olivia thank you so much for your advise i cried when I read it, you people are the only ones who truly understand. First let me start out by telling everyone I just bought a geougous house in a really nice neighbourhood that if my mother in law didnt live with us we probably wouldnt be able to afford it. See we get alot of money for taking care of my mil because she was hit by a car so the insurance pays for us to be her care giver. My boyfriend and I had a fight the other night because as it stands right now my mil doesnt have a kitchen to use but were seeing to that asap. But for now she uses our kitchen so she is currently in my space alot i mean the lady has to make a tea every half hour and she runs the water full blast that I cant even here the tv. Oh that pisses me off. She lives in the basement which is very beautiful but she  is alway upstaires when I go to bed when i wake in the morning. I hope this changes when I get her her own kichen. But my question to all of you do I tell her how Im felling in hopes not to affend her and tell her I need some space? Have you all had a one on one with their mil or is it my boyfriends responsiblity to talk to her. P.S I think hes scared of her. I set up a family meeting on Sunday with all the siblings because im sick of this I have not free time to do anything. This morning I had to leave the house and go for a drive in hopes that when I returned she would br downstaires. Guess what she was upstaies not even a minute after I walked in the door.My boyfriend is on nights so hes sleeping all the time. How do I tell her she is anoying me please help. PS ive thought about getting my own place and every time I mention to my boyfriend I am having a hard time with this he says you should of let me know this befour we bought this house but I did he just chose to ignore.  He says this is the perfect opportunity for us to save this money that were geeting to be finacialy secure. I told him that money doesnt matter. I have a time limit and it is ticking. Thankyou for listening.

 

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