Reply with quote #16
This just reminds me of once in a while when I've awakened in the morning and realized that I was dreaming and experiencing that feeling of being hopelessly in love - when love was new and overwhelming and special and all consuming..
I know it's too easy to justify - because you, Jane, are having to deal with it - but I think that if and when I have Dementia and am leading the kind of life my father led during his last years - if I could only experience those last days or months - being in love - I would die happy.. Even if the man isn't real - the feeling is - and may be leading your mother to a new level of contentment.. Of course if she's frustrated and trying hard to find Kevin - all this is just my own way of fantasizing that it might be a beneficial thing...
Reply with quote #17
My sweet aunt had Lewy Body and she also suffered with situations such as this. They changed her medicines for sinuses and allegies and it helped out a lot, Maybe her medicines could be interfering.
Reply with quote #18
I don't know, is it so bad that Mom have an imaginary fiance? As long as they don't "break up" and he doesn't break her heart. Better she fantasize about that than something horrible and terrifying. Just throw her a little "shower", buy her a new nightie, wrap it up as a gift and then on her "wedding day", just go to Walmart and get some netting and make her a little wedding veil, get some flowers and buy or bake a cake and serve everyone at the home. "Kevin" will be there but she'll be the only one who sees him. It's kinda sweet.
Reply with quote #19
The name Jouy is French. Has she ever traveled to France? There is also a Villex guitar. Maybe Kevin is from Paris and plays the guitar? Sorry to laugh, but when my FIL was in the NH there were often Bank Robberies! Those dang robbers! It's better to laugh than cry!
Reply with quote #20
Rachael Ray proposed to my FIL through the TV, and of course he accepted. When DH asked where they would be living, because we didn't have room for another person, he would just shrug his shoulders.
Jane in MA
Reply with quote #21
My mother keeps calling me and leaving these painful messages asking me to help her to move to Kevin's new apartment. I have decided I can't go through this more than once or twice a day so I don't pick up the phone. It is so pitiful. I am getting so anxious.
She called just a little while ago when she should have been in bed. She wanted to invite us to her new apartment this Sunday, to meet Kevin. (I kept telling her I can't feel comfortable helping her to move since I know nothing about Kevin not have met him). So for every diversion I give her without actually telling her that Kevin does not exist, she finds a way around the diversion through even more delusion. Now she wants me to take her to him and meet him. I get advice from the head nurse at the NH that I should not discourage her but I am not supposed to lead her on into this fantasy, either. This is ridiculous. What do I do?? No one can really tell me. I don't want to shatter her dreams of love, but this love she is having is also very painful to her and she is getting hurt and upset that I won't help her set up her new life!!! It is also interesting the level of details she develops by the house. We now have a Unit Number (208) as well as street number and address (93Main). (I looked it up, and it is a rural road in Chelmsford, so it does exist.) There is even a Google view and it is just residential single family homes. I am tempted to put her in the car and drive to this place (if it was not so hard to get her in a car!!). But then I am afraid that when she faces the reality (no place to live. no Kevin waiting in a doorway) that she will flip out. As far as throwing her a little shower. Who will come? And it almost seems like it would just escalate things even more. I am supposed to divert her.. not encourage. This is so romatically bizarre and heartbreaking. I hope I never fall in love with an imaginary person!!!! If this is hereditary, I think I am going to start smoking and heavily drinking and use myself all up before it gets to that! I have decided that Kevin is a manifest of her fear of dying alone and unloved (except by me, which is not the same). I think she also hates her life there in the NH since her dementai is showing paranoid symptoms and she was in fear alot. She needed to manufacture someone to protect her from all the "meanies" and keep her company and give her hope for a happier life. Being saved, loved and being cared for by a man again (my dad died when she was 36 and she never even dated after that!!). I have to say this for my mother, she isn't boring.
Jane in MA
Reply with quote #22
I did buy her some new clothes. ..Just in case. But not a nighty. This is my mother we are talking about!!! Janice W- No she has never been to France, but I have. Also, my real dad was french, but she is not. Cathy, The nurse at the NH wants to fiddle around with her meds before she throws in the towel. They almost sent her back to the hospital today because my mother threatened to throw herself out a window, but the nurse does not agree that it will benefit her. She is calling in another doctor to change her from Seroquel to some other anti psychotic one. The nurse also does not want to sedate her so that she is a zombie.They all like her there and don;t want to have to chnage her to the lockdown ward. But it may come to that. Kathy2- I'm listening as hard as I can. Gracenotes- Thanks for the link. I read it. It's all so dismal. Mary E and Beth, Thanks for the empathy, too! Thank you all!!!!! Just being able to record this helps. Maybe I'll wtite a book.
Reply with quote #23
Dont you just love going thru this stuff? I dont know what to tell you or what you should do. I wish you didnt have to go thru this.
Reply with quote #24
I actually think it would make a very entertaining book, in a slightly morbid sort of way. I do see that you are in a bind - you can't deny her delusion but you're not supposed to encourage it either. Hmmm.
I think driving her to the phantom new home would be way too upsetting for her. Maybe you could just keep putting off meeting Kevin? Make an excuse about why you're busy this Sunday, and the next time, and the next time. If she doesn't have a good grip on what day it is, you could possibly work this for quite a while. I hope the change in meds helps. Maybe she'll get a different obsession.
Reply with quote #25
Jane, I realize this is not funny, but I had this horrible thought: What is Jane going to do when her mother wants to put Kevin in the will? Oh, dear. Isn't it amazing though that she has the details so clear and repeats them?
Reply with quote #26
Bren you have me sitting here at 1:30 in the morning in hysterics! You see, I think my almost 85 year old father has the hots for Rachael Raye!!!! He hates TV but watches her show religiously. He also hates to cook! He now knows what EVOO is thanks to Rachael (they are on first name basis ya know) and was going to buy some chicken broth at the store because it had her name on it. Ooops! I snuck it back on the shelf! Just thought I'd warn you there may be a love triangle going on soon!
Reply with quote #27
No, my husband already claimed dibs on Rachel Raye! Of course, both he and she are already married...
But that's OK, if he trades me in for Rachel Raye, I'll just go hunt down Mark Harmon...
Reply with quote #28
Bren, If your father is going to marry Rachel Raye- REJOICE! She'll move in and do all the cooking!!!!!!
Reply with quote #29
As upsetting as this may be for you, I think you need to take a good sense of humor with all this. It's hard, because this is YOUR mom...how do you think you might react if you heard a situation like this in someone elses life? At least she is dillusional about something (someone) that makes her happy. I personally, would "play along" a bit, but change the subject as often as you can? I know this is hard on you and by no means am I trying to minimize any of it. This woman is your mother and nothing she is doing is reflecting the mother you knew in the past. I'm sorry for your pain, really. I felt this way about my grandmother as well. Understand this is not the woman you knew and you may not be able to orient her to reality. Just trust me on this: the mom you knew and loved is still in there somewhere and loving you.
Reply with quote #30
I came across your post while researching information about imaginary boyfriends and elderly women. Someone close to me is dealing with a very similar situation and I'm trying to learn how to be helpful and supportive, but the truth is, I have no clue how. It's devastating to see the toll it takes on caregivers and it's frustrating not to know how to help a person who is suffering.
I hope you will read my message and I'd be grateful for any words of advice. Thank you so much