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SUE
Reply with quote  #16 
Hello Nan,
 
Welcome to the 'onboard', you have found and will find kindred spirits here.
 
Please accept my sincere condolences on the passing of your dear husband, my heart goes out to you.
 
Being in the midst of your parent's unhappy marriage is not the place you need to be just now.
 
I have lived through the same experience, was always the peace-maker and it just gets so exhausting.
 
You need time to grieve, time to rebuild and focus your energies onto your life.
 
My parents were still fighting up until my dad died aged 92.
One day I had a long-distance phone call from my mother to say that my father had turned crazy and had kicked her. When she had calmed down enough I asked her to put Dad on the line so I could speak to him. I asked him what he had been doing to my mother...his answer 'she kicked me first, so I b....well kicked her back...adding that he had merely given her little more than a tap on the leg'.  I think that this was the first time my father had probably retaliated, and this was because he was ill.
 
Such a shame when our parents act like children, and so sad that 'the golden years' are not for everyone...but seems like this is more common than we think...because nobody talks about it..
 
All we can do is empathize, take one day at a time, but forget 'fixing' our parent's relationship as I think the stress and fear of aging and the losses associated with it make our crazy parents even crazier.

Do take time to heal yourself, and do not hesitate to ask family and friends, GP's, agencies etc. for support. 

Sue
 
 
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Sam
Reply with quote  #17 
I just wanted to welcome you and give you my condolences on your loss.

My dad passed away eleven years ago and mom still gripes about my dad he was my rock and sounding board. My mom takes her anger out on me now so i just deal with her.
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Avis
Reply with quote  #18 
Hi Nan --  My condolence too on the loss of your husband. 
 
If my mother had lived a few weeks longer, my parents would have had their 64th wedding anniversary.  My father still loves to brag about the longevity of their marriage.  I often wonder what my parents did in a past lifetime to be shackled together.  Honestly, I can only recall a couple of sweet moments of them together but so many very ugly ones.  I am the youngest child and perhaps they were happier before I was born when love was new and "sweet" with them.  They came with baggage like everyone does, I suppose.  My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was little.  A couple of years later my sister had her own.   I used to think my sister's illness was the root of my parent's ugly marriage dynamic.  Now I think that my parents marriage dynamic was the root of my sister's illness. 
 
In the end, you can't fix it or them.  All you can control is how you will react to it.  You are not obliged to tolerate it.  When they start, smile (if you can) and say, "I have to be going now."
 
Take care...
 
Avis
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Marijana
Reply with quote  #19 
So sorry about yr loss. I also lost my first husband to cancer. My parents have had a tormented relationship for the past 54years. My father always needs to be right, to be the king of his castle abd unfortunately he is agressive and abusive. He used to beat my mother up regularly until I was 10 after that it was threats and verbal abuse and shouting. Unfortunately my mother has not left him, initially it was because of us children and then later she thought she was too old, I think it's mainly that she has lost all of her confidence. I have asked her to live with me but she doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. Secondly she has worked long and hard to help build their home. My father is a very judgemental man and it's his way or no way at all, he is against anybody's beleifs if they don't fit with his, and he torments my mother due to her different beleifs.
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