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Reply with quote  #1 

Please, I need advice. My husband has been vent-dependant for nearly six months. My sister-in-law came to visit him for a week and every time I went to the hospital (twice a day) she was in his room, stroking his arm, or caressing his shoulders, or kissing him on the forehead and cheek. Once, she knelt down and kissed his hand before leaving. I don't get it. How can she do this in front of me? We've been married more than three decades. She and my brother-in-law are in the process of divorcing. She finally left today to go home, saying to me, after putting both her hands on either side of his face and kissing him on the forehead: "Take good care of him." I replied, "I DO take good care of him." Should I say something to her? Keep my mouth shut? (My husband can't tolerate stress and if I said something to her - of course not in front of him - he probably could sense the stress between us). I admit I get jealous and angry with her sense of entitlement when it comes to intimacy with my husband. Please let me know if I'm over-reacting about this or if you, too, see her behavior as extreme. Thanks.

billie jo
Reply with quote  #2 
welcome katourah,
i imagine it has been pretty stressful for you to care for an ill husband. i can see where this would upset you but if you think of it, she has also been a part of your family, i don't know for how long, and even though they are getting a divorce doesn't mean she is writing your family off. is she one of those touchy people who are like this will ill people she feels comfortable with? and her comment on taking good care of him, i don't think this was meant as any kind of criticizim, but as a off hand feeling of caring in general, i have used this myself at times. i wish i could be more demonstrative and comforting to those who are in the hospital and ill. if i were you, i wouldn't say anything to her except maybe to thank her for her kindness to your family during these difficult and stressful times. i don't get the feeling she means anything but to try to offer comfort and cheer while she is here visiting. and maybe to be there to give you a little break. there is nothing worse than sitting hour after hour in the hospital. you know the situation better that i do, you are living it and know the family history, so if i have this all wrong, i am sorry. but i believe in the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise. keep in touch with us and let us know what is going on. remember, she is only in town for week. hang in there.
Reply with quote  #3 
Ask one of the nurses to tell her to stop - because she is likely to pass cold or flu germs to him, and a vent-dependent patient cannot be exposed to them.
Reply with quote  #4 
I agree with Sierraseven--the girl needs a leash. 

Hugs to you--please know folks here care about you and your husband.  Genuinely.  Stay and talk to us as much as you need to. 

Reply with quote  #5 

I can see a goodbye kiss on the forehaed, but her actions sound a little to much for me. I agree with having a nurse talk to her.
Reply with quote  #6 
I would say to trust your instincts.  Usually they are right.  If it bothers you, there must be a reason. 

I do have a question, though.  Is she your husband's brother's soon-to-be ex-wife?  To me, that would be really inappropriate.   Is she your brother's wife?  Not that it makes a huge difference, but it might give us more insight as to why she is doing this. 

Reply with quote  #7 
Oop, I just saw where you referred to her husband as your brother-in-law.  So, unless this is your husband's own sister, then she must be your huband's brother's soon-to-be ex-wife.  That would bother me too!
Reply with quote  #8 
I think they have had an affair.

Is this possible?

This is exactly how a woman who has been (secretly) intimately connected with him, would act. The fact that she does it in front of you indicates to me that she has thrown all caution and discretion to the wind, based on the fact that he is in serious condition in the hospital and she probably views this as possibly her last chance to be "close" to him.

I do not know what the solution is, obviously you cannot ask your husband in the state he is in, and obviously if you ask her, she will lie.

but if you want my gut feeling, that is what it is, and you have every right to question it, and not be happy with her behavior.

also, her saying "take good care of him" is exactly what a woman in an affair (or still in love with him) would say to the "horrible wife" (in her eyes).

trust me - I know!

I do not want to cause you any more pain or worry or drama. It is just something to take into consideration and could explain a lot of her behavior.

Reply with quote  #9 
p.s. and -- she is divorcing her own husband. Hmmm.

Jane in MA
Reply with quote  #10 
Clarification is needed here. I was under the impression that this SIL is your SIL, and she is your husband's sister. If this is the case, the  suggestion of an affair is wrong. Maybe just an overly emotion sister who feels like she is losing everyone she loves??

Reply with quote  #11 
yes clarification is needed, but I am definitely under the impression this woman is NOT a sister to katourah's husband. Why would any wife get upset if her husband's sister is showing the brother some affection in a hospital? Of course she would not.  That is why it seems to me, it is not his sister, but his SIL as well -- married to his brother.

i.e -- It sounds to me like she is married (and soon to be divorced) from her husband's BROTHER.

otherwise I would have never suggested an affair situation.

if this is his sister, not his SIL, then my mistake, sorry.

donnaf "A Soldier's Mom"
Reply with quote  #12 
Oh WOW, Do you have the same SIL as I do/did?
I had almost forgotten about it and when I read this thread it all came back.

While my husband was in the hospital for the last time, and after the dr had given us the bad news. (he was going to die) My SIL (who is my late DH's brother's wife), BIL and MIL all came up to see him at the same time, bringing donuts and stuff (not needed). As she stood beside his bed, she too stroked him, tried to hold his hand and kiss him. Now I wouldn't have thought this strange for her, but she was not at all a very loving woman. So it was strange to me for her to be doing that. But DH didn't like her touching him and he pulled away everytime she tried to get close to him. TeeHee. I think she was only doing it for show. To show any and all how compassionate and loving she was. It didn't work.
My DH even asked me to get them all out of there as they were not being considerate to his feelings about having too many loud conversations going at once. Of course they would not leave, so I put my foot down and said "Get Out Now!!!!!"

You can ask the nurses to help you out on this as they put a sign on the room door for all visitors to check-in at the nurses station. It worked sometimes.

I wouldn't worry too much about her showing affection to your DH in front of you, she's just trying to make herself feel better.

Best wishes to you and please take care of you too.
Frau Leigh
Reply with quote  #13 

You most certainly may tell the nurse/doc that this woman is not permitted in UR husband's room.  Period.  Germs galore in this flu crazy world!!  U know the old saying - where there's smoke there's fire.  May this gal is just practicing her flirting skills for the next bozo that comes along.

Reply with quote  #14 

Obviously, you know this woman better than any of us and I can only guess that any judgment you make about her is based on past history.  Trust your gut, hunny.  I can't tell you how many times I've regretted not doing that. 

You taking care of your hubs requires taking care of you and that means the less stressers, the better.
God bless.

Reply with quote  #15 
OMG i also suffer from the same.. my sister in law also kisses my husband on his cheeks in front of me.. she cuddles her in front of me... usually sits next to him and places her hand on his back on his legs... i just cant do anything except getting upset .. i also need some solutio
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