Reply with quote #1
I was thinking about all the people we are caring for, and how some of us are treated. I don't have children, so when I am old, if I need care, I will have to rely on professionals to do it.
My dad takes my care for granted, and when I explained to him how different my personal situation would be, he seemed amazed. he said, well, you would have your sister. My sister is only 8 years younger than me! Plus I would never expect to foist myself on a relative. Can't get that across to dad though.
Reply with quote #2
Hi Rosie, I see your point, I know what you are talking about, I have 2 daughters, 8 years apart and they are career women, My Mother has us 3, I am sure my daughters will care for me, but I worry about them, I am hoping the health care system becomes more elder friendly than it is today. I do think of what you are talking about, I do not know how I will feel if/and/ or when I am frail and sick, maybe being elderly and ill clouds our view. I know it is hard to understand, and hard to take, to seemingly be taken for granted, to have someone not think of what may be in your future. Many times we don't see clearly what may be in store for anyone, we have sort of tunnel vision and mostly see ourselves, it is, I think, our nature, it is the survival instinct we are all born with. My mother, is, to say the least, difficult, I do feel much as you do where she is concerned, but, I try to realize, it is partly the personality she has always had, and it is being old, at the end of life, more than likely scared of what comes next. Many elders will not talk about their fears. I am 65 and I am lucky, I am healthy and my body works well, and hopefully my brain is still OK. I just maybe have a different point of view because I am entering that time of life where so many of those who are being cared for are. I just wanted you to know, I think about my daughters and yes, I think about others who will not have someone to care for them, that is family, I think there should be some way to get the health care system in this country up to speed on caring for elderly, so those that are alone will get the care they need and deserve.
Reply with quote #3
I don't have children and am single. When it's time, just give me a cubbyhole with a wide screen tv, an IPod and if I need good drugs, good drugs. I have no expectation that anyone will help me. I'm not being negative, just realistic.
Reply with quote #4
I hear you. I only have my husband's sons and well that's not saying much
. My one cousin offered to care for me later in life, sure you're about six years older than me.... I've always said I'm not afraid of death, just the aging process.
Reply with quote #5
I hear ya'll! I, too am childless, husbanless (whine). Sometimes I wonder who would take care of me. I have 2nd cousins who are sweet and would do anything for me, but I kind of like the idea of being in a retirement center, then AL, then NH. So be it. I just want that big screen TV and play it LOUD! Perhaps we should look for a retirement center together! How's that?
Reply with quote #6
I hear you all! I guess what really bugs me is that should dad deteriorate to the point where he needs to be lifted for bathing and toileting, it would literally be quite beyond my physical powers - my back is too badly damaged from past labors - dad only weighs about 48 kilos but no way could I lift that! His doctor suggested to him that we should put his name down at a few nursing homes "just in case"(there are long waiting lists here) but dad absolutely refused. In fact a large number of the oldies who wind up in nursing homes here do so because their middle-aged offspring couldn't lift them!
If I live to be, for example, 80, my sister will be 72. No way would I expect her to try to care for me. I will want proper professional care and some staff around me with nursing experience. I don't want to be cared for by some amateur. Dad goes on about little ailments he has - some I can sort out, others I wouldn't have a clue about. In our area we have three nursing homes that are world-class - I personally know some people who have gone into them,and they are very happy and well looked after;in fact when they go out to visit relatives, they ask when are they going home - referring to the nursing home! But here I am, struggling to cope, when he could be having the best of care.
Reply with quote #7
I am single and have no children, but my sister will help me get the care I need when the time comes. Also, we have a circle of close friends that I call the 'sisters.' We can't do daily care, but we can watch out for each other and check on each other. If living here, I know the AL that I will go to.
In the meantime, I am building some savings and have bought a long term care policy. I worry a little, but more about developing a serious illness with no one to help me get well than aging just yet. I understand you ladies very well!
Reply with quote #8
I understand where you are coming from with this. I'm too busy caring for others right now, have really never given it a thought about my elder years. I am married with 3 daughters but don't even want to think about who will care for us in our old age. I am a true advocate of nursing home, assisted living care when caregiving gets so difficult. Hopefully as us boomers age, things will improve in nursing homes and elderly care. Something really needs to change.
Anyway, I not only care for an elderly relative (and other ones in the past), I am a RN, have worked in homecare and hospice for years working with the elderly and their families. One thing that REALLY gets to me is the sense of entitlement that some seniors have. That they are ENTITLED to being taken care of. Entitled to staying in their own homes and having others take care of that home - doing odd chores, clean up, day to day cleaning, fix-ups, having other people do their grocery shopping, worrying about paying their bills, check up on them to make sure they are safe......................... That they are entitled just because they are elderly to telling their families what they need done and expecting them to do it, or doing so to their friends and neighbors. I could go on and on here from what I personally experience and what I've witnessed other families going through with their elderly loved one. It's the thing that irks me the most and seems to be what alot are going through on these boards. Now I know there are many seniors that dont have this entitlement feeling . My mom was one of them. She didn't want to be a burden, appreciated every little thing that you did for her - actually made it so you wanted to do more as she was so appreciative. But lots of us do live with that elderly person who feels entitled and it makes it so much harder.
Reply with quote #9
Anne H. Thank you so very much for voicing the thoughts I have...but couldn't "find" the WORD I 'wanted". ENTITLEMENT. Yes! That's it. Thankfully: my mom, as yours, doesn't feel entitled. She notices all the things we do for her and with her...and always is so grateful. Concerned about "her girls", she tries her very best to cooperate, be kind and make caring for her as easy as possible. Even so, there are times we become tired and frustrated. I cannot begine to imagine the BURDEN of taking care of someone "entitled" and "nasty". I could not/would not do that. I know me TOO well.
Reply with quote #10
I am 51, widowed with a 16 year old son. My mother has been living with me for a year and a half. She is a good woman who I love very much, but taking care of her, my in-laws (who have full time care but need emotional support) working full time, etc. is exhausting. I don't know if my son would opt to take care of me when I get older, but I hope with all the strength I have in me that I remember how difficult it is and not allow him to do it. A friend of mine who is divorced with a teenage son feels the same way. We have talked about our futures. One thing we have thought about is when we get older and sicker, selling our homes, buying one smaller house and hiring full time care with the rest of the money. I don't know if that would work, but it is something worth thinking about. susan
Reply with quote #11
What I find difficult is that as dad refuses to put his name on any nursing home lists, I have no idea what would happen if he became too disabled for me to physically care for. I have rung our local carers association, and they just said, oh, you can call us; but they don't give me any idea of what could happen. The public hospital system can no longer keep "geriatrics in waiting", and the private hospitals are not really set up for that sort of thing. To get into a nursing home you need to have put your name on the list and it takes ages to get in, although I know that people with personal contacts in these places jump the queue. People who were in the services are entitled to wait in the repat hospital, but dad was in a reserved occupation during the war. I have spoken to all sorts of people but no-one can give me answers, they just say, oh, he will just go "in somewhere", and "the authorities/hospital will take over" - but actually they don't if you are a self-funded retiree. If he was a pensioner I think social services assist but in our case they won't. So I am in constant turmoil worrying about this.
Reply with quote #12
I don't have kids either but if I did I would not expect them to take care of me the way my mother does. She is now in NH but prior to that I did the 24/7 (alone except for parttime aid) and did diaper duty etc. I also have a full time job. I also wonder how I would react if my freedom were taken away and I was told when to eat, bath etc. I don't have much family left either. I rely on my faith and friends and that gets me through it.
Reply with quote #13
rosie, while he is waiting on a nursing home, he would have to hire someone to come in to his house - 24/7 - (not you or sis) - with his money. Oh well!
Don't fret it. He would have no choice in the matter. He would find out very quickly.