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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #1 
Hello, and TIA for any support you can offer.....

Im a new member seeking advice when my 92 YO mother has thrown me under the bus!!
22 years ago I moved myself and my kids from our Utah home town to get away from all the dysfunction and narcacistic control I grew up with.  It was never a healthy upbringing.  I am now 3400 miles away.  Because of my moving I was 'disowned' and completely written out of any inheritance, which is fine by me.  Thats just an example of the materialistic control and conditional 'love' I grew up with.
Now my dad has passed, my mom remarried and is widowed again. 
To make a long story short....Now that my mom needs some attention I am the only one willing to help her...go figure...! Because of abuse, extorsion and cruel treatment my other siblings have inflicted on my now elderly mom i decided to step in.
Ive taken 3+ years out of my life, compromised my career and stability to go back and forth and assist her in her needs and legal battles. Now Mom has thrown me under the bus and called police to question me about things shes misplaced, lost, given away, forgotten about,......or just wants attention...who knows.  What am I to do?  I have done NOTHING illegal, but have merely done as 'my mother begged me to', to 'protect what is left'. My mom will need whatever is left to provide for her care. The lifetime of control and manipulation is all coming back to me now. How does one 'help' but go against their gut instinct when it comes to a parent...? 


Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #2 
Dear thrown under the bus, I feel your pain.  I have a narcissistic mother.  I have found that it is best not to volunteer your service(s).  I do not do that anymore.  I make her ask. The reason for it is every time I tried to do something nice it came back to haunt me.  I am seeking a counselor for all my actions because I do not want to become narcissistic myself.  I do not think that will happen but I do want to influence the next generation, my children and grandchildren.  I have to keep them in mind when I make a decision. Sometimes if it were up to me I would go NO contact.  That seems to be a hot topic nowadays.  I am just not sure if it is for me.  Some days I might think that it is the only way.  Keep in mind 2 wrongs in a relationship do not make a right.  Your mother is older than mine so have you thought of this from a legal stand point.  Have you contacted some advice from an attorney?  Just some things that came to my mind when I read your post. I want to wish you the best and healthiest way for setting boundaries.  I am of course not an expert and I am learning a great deal about healthy boundaries.  I hope we can all be in the group to just support each other.  No right or wrong but just sound support.  We never really know what the other person is going through.  

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Posts: 17
Reply with quote  #3 

RC I can only think to suggest you keep a journal of what goes on when your with your a Mother. At least you have a record of it. Maybe talk to the police department and her doctor. And as older daughter suggested a lawyer.

I really have no idea to solve these problems that I'm having myself.

I've found myself in the same position this week. Everything's done a complete turn around.

My Father called and said he was moving out of province to be with his (estranged) wife.
I was floored. He said he was giving his notice at his nursing home at the end of the month. I said do you have a place set up to go he said no. I said well I think you had better get one before you just give notice and find yourself homeless. He said yeah I guess that's a goood idea I better wait a month.

He's been talking of doing this since his "wife" left him a year ago. I thought it would go away but it's only become more frequent. I thought this was part of the transition and eventually he would come around to his senses but then I discovered he's been looking at places in this other city and talking to the nursing homes and getting quotes and everything this whole time.

Now I'm just right confused. For two years I've ben helping him and his wife full on and over the past year I've been helping him during the crisis when she left and he fell twice and was hospitalized for five months. I've done three moves in less than a year and now he just wants to take off and be with her. Just like old times. Thanks Dad. I have no idea if his plan will come to fruition but I don't know how I feel about this all now.

I still love him no matter what because I do, but now I see his issues that have been around my whole life. Now it's pretty clear he likes it when I do his life managing dutiful daughter duties, but just as easily he's just going to walk out and be with his wife and leave me high and dry.

I talked to him multiple times over a year now about his idea to move and the pros (none) cons (many). And he still wants to go. I told him I can not afford to visit there or come rescue him or help him I would only be able to call and he was fine with this.

So he'd rather live his last days with a wife who's just waiting to inherit all his ,money and be with her children who could care less and have been abusive to him, than to stay here with me, live in a wonderful care home, with people who love and care and support him and advocate for him.

I just have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Why am I putting my life on hold and helping to look after him and his best interests when he just really wants to leave??? He turns 88 next month. He got a test done with his Doctor and passed that he is mentally competent to make his own choices.

I told him fine go if that's what you really want. I guess that would be closure for me. He may realize this move is a lot harder than he thinks and be "forced" to stay here, with me hanging around.

So now what, am I really to keep helping this guy who really finds the grass greener somewhere else?

My issue is that I do care, and I have a hard time faking that I don't. But I'm not sure I can do all his "chores" and errands etc now that I know he would just up and leave me. I feel I would still like to visit him but I'm not sure about doing the duties. I feel like I'm being used all over again.

This is just ridiculous.

I feel for everyone that cares about their loved one but not getting the same respect and care back.

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