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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #1 
Help!! I need some advice here. I’ve been a caregiver for my mom since I was 14 when my father died and I am 46 now, way too many years. My sister and I both do things for my very negative, never happy 80 year old mother, who never drove, never fully learned the (off the boat from Italy) English language to even read or write it or had a job outside the house. From childhood years of her belittling both of us calling us nasty names and even embarrassing us in front of people whether it be at school in the store and front of friends families, we always stuck around to help line we had no choice. Every other Saturday between my sister and I we alternate take her food shopping and then we have to go out to lunch with her and only go to places she likes and that’s only like one of two places, have to always write out her monthly bills by check because she can’t write in English. take her wherever she needs to go. As I am the older one doing about 90% of all her medical appointments that’s not only bringing her but have to interpret and then re-interpret it when I go back outside in the car with her to explain again what the doctor said . She has multiple appointments throughout the year with different specialist so it is very draining on me I always have to take vacation time or time off unpaid from work to bring her to these appointments. so here’s my dilemma about four weeks ago she really upset my sister and of course I only hear one side of the story when she tells me when they went food shopping that my sister since then has not talked to her took her two weeks ago to go food shopping didn’t talk to her just basically drove her and now for this week and where my sister is suppose to take her this week she told her the day before, she was busy this week and if she couldn’t take her until calk a cab and hung up the phone so guess who’s going to be stuck doing this every weekend , that’s right me. My sister the day of Thanksgiving told me a half hour before she was suppose to come that she couldn’t make it that she was very tired from having to bring her dog to the emergency room the night before but they made it to her in-laws house with no problem so I was really hurt and upset by this and of course I had to spend the day with my mother and thankfully my son my daughter-in-law and my grandbaby were with me. I just right now I’m so upset with my sister that she can just cut my mother off that quickly but I understand why because I feel like I want to do it also I just can’t. The guilt trips or awful Even though my mother was very cruel to me growing up I don’t now how I still have love in my heart for her. Please help me I feel like now I don’t have a relationship with my sister and she told me that she’s removing toxic people from her life and I know she means my mother but now I think she’s meaning me to because I’ve always said to my sister when we argue that I do so much more for my mother then she does. Is it wrong to hate your mother and your sister now because that’s how I feel and it really saddens me .
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #2 
I am so sorry you are going through this.  The resentment and anger and deep disappointment you feel are so normal.  

Like, you, I come from a family where toxicity and pain are the norm, so I understand the deep sadness and grief you feel.  My mom is 89, and her behavior has not only driven everyone away, but also created a rift in our family that I doubt will ever be healed.  Two of my siblings are currently battling one another legally and all of it has to do with our mother.  Her legacy when she passes will likely be that of a family destroyed.  The whole mess is really ugly and painful, so I suspect that the damage is permanent.  I hope in your case it is not.  

I think it would be next to impossible to like the pain you are now experiencing. If you are like me, the hate you feel is the hate for the situation and the dread of constantly having your life hijacked and drained. 

It's incredibly hard to be around self-centered, hurtful people, but when those people are family, we often feel we have no choice.  The truth is that we often do have options (such as outside help), but we are afraid to anger our family members.

In any case, I hope you can see that you are not alone and that your feelings are completely normal.  Please take care.
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SC1971
Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you for your kind words. As I sit here reading and thinking I start crying again because I have such a small family here, all my relatives are in Italy so it’s literally just my mom, my sister, my son and grandson here. For years I’ve tried to have my mom go back to Italy as she has siblings to just stay there for a few months but she will not by herself, we’ve gone to visit but she will not stay there even for a few months. This would totally give me a mental break and not having to deal with everything. i’m just so sad that my sister who is seven years younger has just been so distant with me now and we all live in the same town but unless I reach out to her she never reaches out to me. The other day when I asked her why she is not taking my mother she just responded that she was busy and that mom can take a cab and when I started really asking more questions she told me basically she’s getting rid of toxic people and for me to F off. Even after her texting that to me because we haven’t talked on the phone I still continue to ask her what is wrong and what can I do to help her?? I don’t know what to do I think if anyone else ever told me to F off I’d be totally done with them but because it’s my sister I don’t wanna let go but she seems that she has let go. So my question now is how do people let go of a family member when you have such a small family??
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #4 
I'm going to guess that your sister has reached her limit and is distancing herself from anything and anyone related to your mother.  You are likely just collateral damage. 

It still hurts, though.  I have found it best to give people like this their space and then focus on your own life.  Your sister may be going through a difficult time and likely finds any conversation related to your mother frustrating and triggering.  I have siblings like this, and while it seems unfair that their decision to protect themselves ends up harming us,  we have no choice but to respect their boundaries.

As someone who spends many holidays going to visit my mother alone, I agree that it is very sad. I try not to focus on the family celebrations we used to have, because it only makes me feel worse.  My siblings stay away because the situation is painful for them.  I know that.

I think it is also important to remember that our value and worth are not tied to how our siblings treat us or how many of them share our holiday table.  We need to work on seeing our own worth separate from them and in building a new family of people who in fact, do love us.

I know this isn't a great answer, but I think we all have to decide what we are capable of handling.  The grief of letting go and detaching is painful, but sadly often necessary in dysfunctional families where few examples of healthy relationships exist.
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #5 
Hugs to you. I hope your situation improves. I feel your pain with dealing with a toxic parent. I have two. Mine have become so emotionally painful to deal with that I simply can’t for fear of losing my sanity. Now I have the guilt from staying away. There are no easy answers with this.
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B CounterIntuitive
Reply with quote  #6 
  When you are in a Toxic Atmosphere/Relationship(s) it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to see past the drama of it, to be able to see other OPTIONS & other aspects of how to CHANGE your "lifestyle," your "thinking" & how you process "thoughts" productively. 
  A person so toxic like that can LIMIT YOU on what you NEED to see to make changes. That kind of energy & HOLD that someone has over someone else is NOT healthy. No matter who they are to you.  Even though you feel the guilt, or even regret of being STUCK with your mom since FOREVER, & now feeling it will be infinity. Getting your EMOTIONS to back off so you can logically find a solution is going to be KEY. Overly Emotional & Overwhelmed = Non stop nightmare/yo-yo hysteria. Which impacts you at every level of your being. In the long run it can ruin your health, your mind & future opportunities for growth. Let's not forget the strain on your family at home. 

FIRST: You need to ESTABLISH Boundaries with your mom. It can't be YOU YOU YOU all the time when you have your own family to take care of. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Family are LESSONS in this life, it doesn't mean we have to bend backwards to accommodate them and ENABLING them to be needy or leechy or worse. Stop enabling her, & make her learn to be self sufficient. Plenty of technology out there! 

SECOND: If she has a phone (smart phone: android or apple) There are APPS you can download that you can cruise through & play with & then TEACH HER HOW TO USE THEM. Here is a LINK to apps that have been talked about that are LANGUAGE TRANSLATORS. (paste & copy link into https field) There are plenty when you just search for them on your device as well. Some are free, some might be a monthly fee. BUT it's better than what you are doing. 
https://www.fluentu.com/blog/best-translation-apps/

THIRD: There are PLENTY of FOOD companies out there that can DELIVER boxes of food to her door step, including frozen and dairy. (again, paste and copy link in to https field)
https://www.verywellfit.com/best-grocery-delivery-services-4159966
You can even SHIP her stuff from AMAZON like toilet paper, depends, tissues, (in bulk). 

FOURTH: UBER : Their everywhere. Their cheaper & most of them have texting for people who are Deaf, so working with someone who has a translator app (like when you go to other countries, let them deal with her & her app).  ALSO, if she wants to go out to eat somewhere, FIND a forum with ITALIANS & get her a date group she can hang out with that does lunches. Just like BINGO...they even have transport they take together. (Again, the key is for her to find her OWN life vs enabling her to be rude to you, & co-dependent). 

FIFTH: Bills...You can put the money in the bank, and then do an AUTO payment deal where you login to the computer from wherever you are, & Wellsfargo (I'm sure others do this as well to keep up with their competitors) will cutt and mail the checks for you. All you have to do is have the name, address and acct number saved online. SO you login, select the ones for auto pay and the bank does it for you. Really look into it! 

For the HOURS and PTO that you are losing you can have these things delivered to her door step, & have her take control of her own life for once, vs having everything else done for her. One of these days YOU WONT BE THERE. Due to being really really sick, or in an accident (just saying, life is short, one day your here, the next your not.) 
Get her PROACTIVE...Since she doesn't know how to do it it'll be a good lesson for her survival instincts to kick in).  

LASTLY: Yes, it is going to suck! Change HURTS. Our old ways of dealing with others & patterns of behavioral abuse are going to cause us nightmares or body fits once we GET AWAY from what was making us SUFFER. It's a detox process.     I went through a year of nocturnal panic attacks where I woke up not being able to breath & taught myself how to break my bodies addiction from verbal and mental abuse from my mother.   You have a long way to go. I had 35 years of her abuse. Now I help others wake up & move on. 

DON'T FEEL BAD about what you have to do. You are doing what is RIGHT FOR YOU. You have a life too. Hence why you sister is doing what she is doing. People move on, it's not cause she doesn't love you, it's her creating her boundaries of what is no longer positively serving her. You need to do the same and follow. PEOPLE HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES if they learned it or not. It is a life lesson. They'll get over it when they see how much suffering they caused someone. 

I hope this helps you!
B
0
Unregistered
Reply with quote  #7 
Quote:
Originally Posted by B CounterIntuitive
  When you are in a Toxic Atmosphere/Relationship(s) it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to see past the drama of it, to be able to see other OPTIONS & other aspects of how to CHANGE your "lifestyle," your "thinking" & how you process "thoughts" productively. 
  A person so toxic like that can LIMIT YOU on what you NEED to see to make changes. That kind of energy & HOLD that someone has over someone else is NOT healthy. No matter who they are to you.  Even though you feel the guilt, or even regret of being STUCK with your mom since FOREVER, & now feeling it will be infinity. Getting your EMOTIONS to back off so you can logically find a solution is going to be KEY. Overly Emotional & Overwhelmed = Non stop nightmare/yo-yo hysteria. Which impacts you at every level of your being. In the long run it can ruin your health, your mind & future opportunities for growth. Let's not forget the strain on your family at home. 

FIRST: You need to ESTABLISH Boundaries with your mom. It can't be YOU YOU YOU all the time when you have your own family to take care of. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Family are LESSONS in this life, it doesn't mean we have to bend backwards to accommodate them. ENABLING them to be needy or leechy or worse prevents her from trying, & being self sufficient. Plenty of technology out there! 

SECOND: If she has a phone (smart phone: android or apple) There are APPS you can download that you can cruise through & play with & then TEACH HER HOW TO USE THEM. Here is a LINK to apps that have been talked about that are LANGUAGE TRANSLATORS. (paste & copy link into https field) There are plenty when you just search for them on your device as well. Some are free, some might be a monthly fee. BUT it's better than what you are doing. 
https://www.fluentu.com/blog/best-translation-apps/

THIRD: There are PLENTY of FOOD companies out there that can DELIVER boxes of food to her door step, including frozen and dairy. (again, paste and copy link in to https field)
https://www.verywellfit.com/best-grocery-delivery-services-4159966
You can even SHIP her stuff from AMAZON like toilet paper, depends, tissues, (in bulk). 

FOURTH: UBER : Their everywhere. Their cheaper & most of them have texting for people who are Deaf, so working with someone who has a translator app (like when you go to other countries, let them deal with her & her app).  ALSO, if she wants to go out to eat somewhere, FIND a forum with ITALIANS that do group dates that she can hang out with that does lunches/activities etc. Just like BINGO...they even have transport they take together. (Again, the key is for her to find her OWN life vs enabling her to be rude to you, & co-dependent). 

FIFTH: Bills...You can put the money in the bank, and then do an AUTO payment deal where you login to the computer from wherever you are. I know that Wellsfargo (I'm sure others do this as well to keep up with their competitors) will cutt and mail the checks for you. All you have to do is have the name, address and acct number saved online. SO you login, select the ones for auto pay and the bank does it for you. Really look into it! 

For the HOURS and PTO that you are losing you can have these TOOLS for her to have things delivered to her door step, & aid her in her own activities. Let her learn to take control of her own life for once, vs having everything else done for her. One of these days YOU WONT BE THERE. Due to being really really sick, or in an accident (just saying, life is short, one day your here, the next your not.) 
Get her PROACTIVE...Since she doesn't know how to do it it'll be a good lesson for her survival instincts to kick in.  

LASTLY: Yes, it is going to suck! Change HURTS. Our old ways of dealing with others & patterns of behavioral abuse are going to cause us nightmares or body fits once we GET AWAY from what was making us SUFFER. It's a detox process.     I went through a year of nocturnal panic attacks where I woke up not being able to breath & taught myself how to break my bodies addiction from verbal and mental abuse from my mother.   You have a long way to go. I had 35 years of her abuse. Now I help others wake up & move on. 

DON'T FEEL BAD about what you have to do. You are doing what is RIGHT FOR YOU. You have a life too. Hence why you sister is doing what she is doing. People move on, it's not cause she doesn't love you, it's her creating her boundaries of what is no longer positively serving her. You need to do the same and follow. PEOPLE HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES if they learned it or not. It is a life lesson. They'll get over it when they see how much suffering they caused someone. 

I hope this helps you!
B
0
B CounterIntuitive
Reply with quote  #8 
Did not meant for this to Post twice...Thought it was letting me edit what I typed. lol. 
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