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confussed but conscious
Reply with quote  #106 
thank you splotchy, thank you very much.
i am holding on, but every day is a struggle.
i cannot seem to figure out how to make friends, i am only 19!
i have had to lose my friendships as they were very abbusive too.
but now i dont know where to set the standard... since i want to have someone to talk to, but i am terrified of becoming co-dependant and being crushed again! i feel like it is a legitimate fear that i will be rejected, as my entire life i have never known what was going on, and i still dont have many answers, therefore i feel like a total burden. i want to know where the line is drawn, how annoying am i ACTUALLY? how much can i talk to people? who do i talk to? what can i talk about?
these questions feel important as i need to build some form of support network, to step out of issolation, but i REFUSE to step into abbusive and unequal friendships where i am ALWAYS confussed.
are my friendships going to be different now that i know my mother has a disorder? since now i KNOW its not me, am i going to be less needy? can i talk about my relationship abbuse to anyone?
can anyone answer any of these questions.
thank you so much guys.


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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #107 
I think it's common for people like us (who grew up with unhealthy parents) to attract people who see us as a target.  Sometimes we have a hard time figuring out who to trust.  Once we become healthy and have a good sense of who we are and what we are worth, it's easier to see who we can trust and who we enjoy being around.

To get healthy, we often need others to help us, though. It might be good if you talked to someone older than you (like a doctor, clergy member, teacher, etc.) to help you get the tools you need to heal and get healthy.

To answer your specific questions:

How annoying am i ACTUALLY? You may or may not be annoying.  Even if you are, it's not the end of the world.  For now, just focus on learning the skills you need to create a happy life.  Figure out what you value and what you want to center your life on, and let go of other people's opinions for a while.

How much can i talk to people? who do i talk to? what can i talk about?  Maybe your goal right now should be to learn about yourself and figure out who you are, and then when you get that down, you can find other people who share your interests.

Are my friendships going to be different now that i know my mother has a disorder?  Your friendships will evolve based on how you evolve.  It has nothing to do with your mother.

Since now i KNOW its not me, am i going to be less needy? Everyone has needs.  Learning ways to meet your own needs and provide for your own well-being will give you a huge boost in confidence.

Can i talk about my relationship abuse to anyone?  I think you should.  Find some resources in your
area.  Don't worry about being rejected or having people question you.  The most important person you need to trust is yourself.

Stay strong.  You can heal.  Make that your goal.
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confussed but conscious
Reply with quote  #108 
splotchy, thank you again :)

i just need to figure this one thing out. it did not come across very clearly in my last post.
i have moved into isolation slowly but gradually over the past few years. but it definitely was for a reason. i needed to find out what was going on.

and now i sort of know, still not sure what the biggest contributing factor was... but now i need to build a friend network back up. no one can have no friends, it drives you insane.

all the people i have gotten to know over the past few years do not know anything. i just plaster a smile on my face.

so now that i know, sort of, that i have been abbused this whole time, now that i am prepared to leave my abbusive relationship, and have already cut off my entire family (all of this has been neccasary) i want to have my life back.

but i cannot be a fake. but i cannot be a burden. i have to heal, but i cannot overload everything onto someone i am just building a friendship with, but i cannot hold it all in and let people assume that i am an anxious wreck because i am stupid or something. i need people to know and see how strong and intelligent i am.
then i can work through all of this trauma hopefully, and gain my confidence back.

i would like to regain my confidence in the understanding and empathetic abilities of human beings.
without entering destructive relationships, or establishing the role of the victim in friendships. they all leave in the end if i enter that way. dont they? see, this is my dilema. i want love, but i want to know if i have ever even recieved it, i cried when i read this post once saying "you dont have to lose yourself to love, love wouldnt make you do such a thing" but it always has in my case, almost always, and i want some hope back, some trust back. so i can quit hiding away and presenting myself as needless. i want to present ME. but be proud of it. and have opportunities for that person to get to know me where i DONT always become the centre of conversation.

i feel like all of this must be common for us acons. 
i hope my dilema makes more sense now.
thank you :)
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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #109 
Humans are social creatures, so I do understand what you are saying about the need for human connection. But from what you've written, I think you have two issues, and connecting them may not produce the results you seek.

From my vantage point, your two issues are that you are in pain over realizing that you have a dysfunctional family (with all the baggage that creates, such as lack of love), and you are lonely.  While these may be related, I think they require separate solutions.

If you have been isolating yourself, perhaps it's time to get out and make some connections.  Do some things you enjoy and see what happens.  Most people make their connections at school, at work, at church, at civic groups, on sports teams, in volunteering settings, or in places where they live, so reaching out to others in those places may help you start a connection with others.  As those connections develop and you learn more about others, you can decide what kind of friendships you want.  Friendships that are based on common interests, common ideas, or other common bonds tend to grow and deepen over time.  In my experience, healthy friendships involve a steady progression of authentic sharing, intimacy, and mutual respect, and that usually takes maturity and understanding to develop.  If we go looking for friendships as a way to meet our own needs or fill our emptiness, I think we are going about it in the wrong way.  Friends aren't meant to be our therapists or problem solvers.  They are meant to be people we want to share our time with.

So I don't think the purpose of friendship is to fix us or replace the love that our family members could not give us.  Friendships are best made between two healthy people who want to share and help one another become better people. It doesn't mean we can share our troubles, but we have to recognize that some burdens may be too heavy for a new friendship to carry.

To deal with the family dysfunction and brokenness, I think it might be helpful to talk to someone like a counselor.  They can help you manage the pain and emptiness associated with not having your needs met, and they can show you how to find your worth and get the love you deserve.


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Splotchy
Reply with quote  #110 
I meant to say:

It doesn't mean we can't share our troubles, but we have to recognize that some burdens may be too heavy for a new friendship to carry
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Mike Gamble
Reply with quote  #111 
I'd like to put together some information to help new family caregivers. Here are a few questions for everyone:

What would have helped you most in your role as caregiver?
What would you have changed to make your "job" easier?
What advice/tips would you give to a new family caregiver?

Thanks in advance. I really appreciate your input.

Mike
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A.
Reply with quote  #112 

An elder who wasn't as difficult and more reasonable or other sibs living closer would help in my role and to make it easier and folks not being in their regular house. Another thing that might help is if my folks were on regular medicare and not Humana full replacement, that is limiting. But she changed it to that in Flo. and then hard to change it back later.

Doing things differently//  Not having moved my folks from Flo. to live near me in Chi. suburbs, if they were unwilling to go to asst living. Luckily eventually for me when dad passed after going into memory care, bro forced ma to move near him in an AL, in Calif. where the whether is better. He's a doctor, so can be of more help.

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A.
Reply with quote  #113 
Good questions, Mr. G.
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Tina
Reply with quote  #114 
What would have helped you most in your role as caregiver?
         Not being such a softy when Mom said, 'it's ok if you only see me once a week'[after moving close to me from another state into Independent Living]. 5 years alter, I'm now a 6 day a week nightly visitor after work/dinner --past attempts to throttle back have met with enough theatrics (involving anyone from Home Health to Ind Living mgt. to EMS) that it's 'worth' giving the 6 days. So, in a nutshell, boundaries and a backbone.

What would you have changed to make your "job" easier?
       See answer to question #1. Egads, this is an eye opener.

What advice/tips would you give to a new family caregiver?
See answer to question #1. Also, if sibs live at a distance to stay in touch with them and provide some kind of 'state of the union' info re your parent.
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Butterfly
Reply with quote  #115 
Thank you all for sharing. I actually was over ambitious thinking I was largely good with my health. Aproximately 3 years ago I went full throttle in researching everything pertaining to N parents and family dynamics. I have also gone no contact with my entire family.
Most recently I found myself in yet another half baked a romantic relationship, which recently ended ( thank goodness!), but left me devastated and open.
All the old narratives, memories and feelings came rushing back like a flood. I've been extremely emotional and reclused even more.
So I've decided to revisit the sources that helped me tremendously with healing and that is research on how being raised a scapegoat has distorted my self perceptions and also join support groups. Knowing my brokenness is a crime or something to be ashamed of and that I will be ok as long as I'm committed to me.

May you all find the peace and self respect and love we all deserve.
[smile]
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Mike Gamble

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Posts: 43
Reply with quote  #116 
Congrats! Stay Strong!
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