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Reply with quote  #46 
Thank you for your help and support.  Don't worry, I have dealt and will continue to deal with my demons, as they come up.  Most of the time I am able to live in the now.  I would give you my story, but this is a narcissists forum, but my demons originated long before I met my ex n.   But apparently, what happened to me, made me a perfect partner for a narcissist. 

I want my girls and I to have the loving relationship we all deserve. 

I am 99% sure that he did not sexually abuse my girls.  My understanding of it is this.  His step-daughter at the age of 14 (the abuse happened until she was 16) was very beautiful and he became infatuated with her and his ego took over. Blackmail, intimidation, you know all the tricks. Gods gift to women and all that.  What worries me more is that now he has had a taste, women his own age won't be good enough.

  It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.  ~Sally Field

Remember, who you are is enough.

Take care,

Reply with quote  #47 
Hi I'm new here and really glad I found this sight.  I'm a 41 year woman who just found out why my parents emotionally abused me as a child.  Little did I know back then what Narcissism was, I just knew I felt worthless because of all the belittling, intimidation and name calling.  I've allowed my parents in my life for 41 years with no boundaries and still got the abuse at age 41.  I lived in denial and blamed myself for so long.  I'm in therapy and have started the long journey to heal from my mother and step-father's many years of abuse.  This is a painful journey and I thank god for this sight and the people on here who make me feel I'm not alone.

Reply with quote  #48 
KimU, Welcome to the eldercare board. Feel free to look around and don't be afraid to start your own subject/thread. There are a lot of great people here who have a lot of great ideas and experience in just about all of it. I am the daughter of a BPD, N Mother and I have gone through therapy...on and off as finances allow. It's a hard road but worth it. There is a book called "The Borderline Mother" that has helped me almost as much as the therapy. Don't give up. You are worth it. Hang in there. Sometimes it is just a day to day thing, but the sun always comes up..and it is up to us how to use this day. Much love.
Nellis Marie
Reply with quote  #49 
Still learning how to heal. Any advice is appreciated. Always a work in progress. I guess I'm learning to focus on today more and not let N mom push buttons. Its taken 7 years but I'm getting there..

Hi to Everyone..I'm new here!!
Reply with quote  #50 
Welcome Nellis Marie.  I think all of us are "works in progress", and still learning.  I think the key is to see where we were a few years ago, and then determine if we're making any progress.  If the answer is yes, then we need to congratulate ourselves for doing well!
As for all the hurts and triggers and life issues, I think the  best response is to focus our energy on becoming "whole" people.  We need to learn what love and intimacy and truth really are, and then grieve any losses we have.  I think this might actually take a lifetime to do, but it can be a rich and rewarding journey if we take the time each day to appreciate our own growth and see the real gift of truth we now have in our lives.  So many people drift though life unaware of things, but those of us who've had to struggle a bit are much more in tune with the deeper side of life.  

I also think we need to give ourselves credit for what we have been able to accomplish in spite of our parents' inability to see us and nurture us.   Just surviving childhood is a biggie for me.

Anyway, I hope you and all the other new posters here feel welcome.  Please share your thoughts and struggles any time. 

Reply with quote  #51 
"Just surviving childhood is a biggie for me"

When I read the stories here that others share, it helps me feel connected and also it makes me aware of the great strength that everyone here , has. Much of the abuse that people have endured is deep-rooted and goes way way back into the childhood. It is so sad that innocent children have to endure some of the things that happen. BUT, it also shows me that many people have overcame so, so much.  This gives me hope, because some days I dwell on the sadness but other days I feel like I am strong.

Everyone here is truly amazing and I am really grateful to have this site to visit, to read and to learn from ---- and to grow. How does someone express adequately what this means?? It's hard to fully express --- so I'll just say that I think everyone here is a true survivor. You all give me so much hope. Seriously. THANK you!!!!!
Reply with quote  #52 
Dear Splotchy,
The way I feel lately, "just surviving is a biggie for me".
Reading this thread is bittersweet in the sense that so many posters, up through 2009- either I've missed them on threads or they're not posting here anymore.
For some reason, and I am not even sure if this is chronologically correct, in my memory: you, Prodigal, goodwillgal, Dusty, and I started posting about the same time- mid 2008(!).
I remember goodwillgal and her blessings, gracenotes and her wisdom and links, michellewithnmom who always "got it", Stephanie; once she and I were both on the board chatting at 4am.  And OhDear, SUE, notgoodenough, E-nuff, Sparkle and others; so many others with their stories and kindness and wisdom. 
I hope each and everyone who stopped posting has found that special place of peace and contentment.
As for me, the older I get the less resilient I feel.  My economic downturn and the ending of this marriage has had a lot to do with that.  I thank the forum though and think back on the names above: wondering where I would be without them, without you, and without those who are now part of this community.
I treasure each of you.
Reply with quote  #53 

I'm still here, don't post as much but read every day.

Reply with quote  #54 
Hello Alinka,

I just happened to be passing by and saw your post!

I too remember those times when we would burn the midnight oil...trying to make sense of what it means have an 'N' as a parent.

Also the shock of discovering about N's in the first place, and how their many traits matched those of our parent...and how our childhood experiences were similar and had/have left us all wounded souls.

I would say I have not reached that wonderful stage of peace, tranquility and contentment....but I have come to terms with my past...and no longer beat myself up too much regarding my 'difficult' relationship with my mother.

I try to let any feelings of guilt wash over me, value my family and friends, attend once-weekly counselling sessions...try never to be alone with my mother..and am so much more aware of being manipulated etc. etc.

Could say I am trying to heal still..and it is going to take not a day passes without some thoughts of impending doom....what ifs? and a haunting feeling that the other shoe is going to drop.

I don't have any advice..only to say that 'I get it' when I read many of the posts here..

My cats continue to be a wonderful source of therapy too....I think if I did not have family or friends I would be a cat lady for sure!

Also this board, is a life-saver, I have met so many wonderful cyber friends here to share experiences with, and to give and receive support. It is always so reassuring to see old and familiar well as new names...I too remember you, Prodigal, OhDear, Nevergetaway, Notgoodenuff, Splotchy, Daughter Beth, Sparkle, DustyGirl and others with much love and affection.

(((((((((((((((Alinka))))))))))))), it is good to see you are still here and to know that we are all welcome to return when and if we need to xxxxxxxxxx
Reply with quote  #55 
Hi enuff-4-me,  So happy to see that you have posted today, and have returned with the wisdom and insight of a real trooper.


SUE - Enuff-4-me
Reply with quote  #56 
Dear Enuff-4-me,

I am so sorry for miss-spelling your name in the above post.

Please continue to look after yourself.

SUE - E-nuff4me
Reply with quote  #57 

Whoops...I do hope that I have your name right at last!!!! So sorry!

NC - Mother/Grandmother
Reply with quote  #58 
I will offer up a quite different perspective here for discussion as we all try to heal from N abuse. I am in my late 60s and divorced several years ago after 40 yrs of marriage to an N.
Neither of my adult sons will have contact with me. I am not allowed to phone or see my grandchildren.  I am not allowed to drive by their home.  I am not allowed to send cards or gifts to my grandchildren.
My children and/or I have suffered at the hands of a very skilled manipulative N for the last 50 years - my attorney ex, their father.
Neither of my sons has caught on to the fact that their father suffers from a severe form of N. My N ex has them convinced that I am an evil person by lying and manipulation.
I have asked one son to go to therapy with me.  He refuses.  The other son dropped his therapist who was sympathetic to me.  The N ex  has them convinced that therapy is not helpful and that REAL MEN do not need therapy.
Many of my friends have tried to help the situation but my sons have refused so far to listen.

Suggestions anyone?

E-nuff4me to SUE
Reply with quote  #59 

Hi SUE. I too forgot how I spelled my name and had to look it up. LOL. Good to talk to you again and it does feel good to post and a very warm hello to all. I hope things are going better for you with your mom and you are finding your days more peaceful. 


 It has been so much better for me since my mom went into assisted living and she seems to be happier and thriving on all the attention she gets from the army of staff and support workers that tend to her every want and need. All the other residents are keeping her occupied too with all their aches and pains and there is always some drama going on and she keeps herself right in the middle of it. I think that it is that constant reassurance that she gets from all the people around her in any given day that she needs the most and so far she has been able to show her best side and everyone thinks she is so saintly and the nicest person. 


Sometimes I can get so tired of hearing all the bs and this constant ‘look at me and how wonderful I am’ because I know it is so put on but now that she has all these other people to keep impressed and doing her bidding, I am off the hook, most of the time. 


 I'm getting so much better at stopping all the negative feelings and chatter in my head and I don't have the need to punish myself anymore and that alone is a blessing.   It still amazes me though when I become aware that my reaction is unhealthy and not in my best interests and realize that I have the choice to stop and behave differently. It saves so much energy that I can sure use for other things like the 2 surgeries I had this past year and going back and forth to the hospital for rehab 3 days a week since Oct  also forced me to keep my perspective, which is the healing of my physical and mental health.. 


 I have come a long way from where I was when I first found this site but it looks like this journey that we are all on is like a poster I have in my gym....' there is no finish line'.  .


take care


Reply with quote  #60 

I'm so very sorry you are going through the same thing I am.
My daughter from my first marriage decided to leave my life also.
Not only did she leave but took my three precious granddaughters
with her.  I'm still trying to put the peices together of what happened.
Everything seemed fine.  I know how you feel it hurts, I have an
N for a mom so I can imagine what your husband was like having
to live with an N is very difficult.
There really isn't anything I can think of for you to do.  I have
told my daughter the door is opened for her when and if she decides
she would like to talk.   I love her very much, but I won't place myself
to be disrespected and treated like my husband and I, and our son
her brother are nothing at all.  This is her choice she made it and that
is how I must leave it.   Your grandchildren will know you when they
are older and if your sons decide not to see you again.  You can hold
onto that hope.
I hope you find a little comfort in knowing you are not alone.
We love our children and like you I never saw this coming.
I sometimes wonder if she is an N also like my mom, always
about her, never  takes blame.   But NC it is a cruel thing to
take away our grandchilren from us when they know how much
we love them.   I was so close to my oldest and middle granddaughters
but the youngest I have never met her, my daughter had just found
out she was pregnant when she decided to leave.

Just keep loving them, and I hope and pray that your son's will come
to you one day and want to talk to you.  I will never ever understand
why in divorces one parent has to turn children against one parent.
It is never about the parents it is about the children and making sure
they are happy and well adjusted and loved by both parents.

Please come and share anytime, but you are not alone.
I wish for both of us and others going through this I had
a magic wand to make everything alright again.
I thought when my daughter had her little ones that she would
realize the love I had for her.
Big Hugs to you!!!!!
Please share anytime, I know this heartbreak and it hurts us
so much.   I wish they would come to us and talk to us and work
everything out.    But please try and have a life and be happy
for your life.    Yes we want our childrens love but we also
want their respect just like we love and respect them.
Relationships can never be one sided.

Sorry this is long, I can go on
Please know I sympathize with you so much!
I'm truly sorry you and your sons had to go through
a marriage and a dad as an N.  I know how difficult that had
to be, being raised my an NMother myself.
We will get through this heartbreak.   Your grandchildren
can know you in time.  
Take care and Bless you.

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