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sandygator

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Posts: 3
Reply with quote  #1 
After a year of falls in her own home which resulted in a broken femur and subsequent surgery and rehab,  our 89 year old mother was placed in a nursing home. Her PC physician states he does see some declining cognition in her. My sister and I tried everything to allow her to stay in her own home because that's what she so desperately wanted. She was using a walker and had a medical alert necklace which she did activate several times after falls with no serious injury, but could not get up. Her last fall....One morning I called and got no answer. My sister and I went to her house to find her on the floor where she had been for 11 hours, laying in vomit. She was very confused. Her necklace was on the table by her chair where she could not reach it. I think she took it off because she was confused due to a UTI. Anyway, no serious injury but she was extremely demented while in the hospital (2 days....arrrgh...not long enough to go to rehab) as well as having hallucinations. Hosp dc'd her before having a d/c meeting with us so she came home to my sisters house.  I have just retired from 43 years of nursing. I am a very compassionate person and feel very sorry for my mother's predicament. However, there is no love loss between my mother and I. She is my mother and she is a human being and I am doing the best I can for her. My sister works all day so no one could be with her. Mom wanted me to be there constantly. I am already burned out as a caregiver from my last 5 years as a Hospice nurse. I cannot be her full time caregiver. So she is in a nursing home. She is miserable. And she is making my sister and me miserable as well. She may have mild dementia, but she is certainly aware of her limitations and her whereabouts. She has always been a very self-centered person. She is not a people person whatsoever and has no desire to participate in any activities. When she starts the "You've gotta get me outta here!" litany with me I simply tell her "I am not having this conversation with you. Is there anything else you want to talk about?" But my poor sister (who is the baby of 5 kids) tries to reason with her, argue with her, call her bluff, etc. And she says "Mom is sucking the life out of me". Just would appreciate hearing some advice.  I am truly sorry mom is not able to go home. But she has never been a particularly happy person. She feels her life has been one horrible thing after another. She can find NO blessing to count, even with 5 healthy, grown children. (????) She lost her 2nd husband after a relatively short time together. But she has had 30 years of retirement to enjoy (Should she have chosen to enjoy it). Her negativity IS Toxic. What I wish my mother could know is that if she continues this behavior she will loose any support or caring that she now receives from us because we cannot stand it. Maybe I just needed to vent to some faceless person. :-)
Sorry this is very long.



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Sandygator
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Christa4

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #2 
It is not too long. I bet you barely scraped the surface in your post.

God bless you for your work as a hospice nurse. I know what kind of person you must be to have done that. I was a mere patient volunteer, but I was always curious about the people at death's door that had family and the family was not real engaged. I always knew there were two sides to the story.

When you describe your mother, I think you probably have things well analyzed. You sound like you are realistic and not overcome with guilt for what you just aren't able to do for her. No one can, right? You learned a long time ago that she chose this lifelong philosophy towards life. Maybe your years of nursing and seeing every kind of family dynamics gives you wisdom that your sister doesn't have. I applaud you for recognizing your own limitations. You cannot change the situation - as much as you'd like to. For goodness sake, just visiting her must drain you.

I don't have any advice. I just admire you for your strength. Hang in there.
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Terpin

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Posts: 13
Reply with quote  #3 
I could go on and on about your predicament. My mother is a Narcissist too, and I am her only child. I left home when I was 16 and never looked back. I never knew this about my mother before she came to live with me - I just knew there was something that was dysfunctional about her. Now at 89 she is incapable of taking care of herself and my father. I managed to get her into an assisted living home near me. Every day I have to listen to a litany of how she wants to get out of the home, how bad it is etc. in fact I rarely remember her ever being happy about anything. She has no long term friends, mostly because she discards them once she's had her fill.

We have very similar stories....

At any rate, the first thing to understand is that she will never change, sounds like you got that already got this. Don't let her Toxic nature get to you, because I can assure you it's very hard to take, and it will affect you physically and psychologically. If your sister has a hard time with this you may want to refer her to some sites for daughters of Narcissist mothers. Motherr is a great place to start. Also google begood4000 in YouTube - that guy (it's an animation) had a NARC mother, and he offers some great advice. He has quite a few videos about the topic, and they have been very helpful to me.

Good Luck. Hugs. I know it's a rough road to travel. Remember it's not your fault that you mother is so negative.
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sandygator

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Posts: 3
Reply with quote  #4 
Thank you both, Christa and Terpin! Indeed, I could write volumes. Strange thing is, being a health care professional for over 40 years, I had never heard of this syndrome(?) of narcissistic  mothers, or parents. But she does indeed fill the bill.  Not only was I the first daughter after 2 sons, I was the first child's birth my father was present for because of his navy duties. Really never felt like I was special enough to make my mother jealous of my Dad's attention, except in retrospect. Of course, this made my father my protector which exacerbated the situation. I thank God for him every day. He taught his 5 children what love really means, and also, that we all got it! Have a wonderful relationship with siblings. 
But, I so appreciate having you all to unload on! Now if I can just educate my little sister. I have 2 younger sisters. 1 wisely (I think) cut those ties a long time ago. But, the baby is having a hard time. Even at age 61.
God bless us every one!

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Sandygator
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Terpin

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Posts: 13
Reply with quote  #5 
If it's any help I'm nearly 61, and feeling pretty embarrassed to admit I did not realize that my mother was a Narc until recently.

I forgot to mention that I also was present during the passing of several neighbors.One of the greatest complements ever paid me was from my boyfriends mother. We had broken up, but she was held a special place in my heart. I went to visit her 4 days before she passed, and she made a point of asking me to be present when her time came. I told her that she had 5 children, whom I was sure would all be there her, and that I really didn't belong. No, she said - you've seen your friends pass - you'll keep me safe - I really need you, none of my kids have any experience with this.
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sandygator

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Posts: 3
Reply with quote  #6 
It is an honor to help someone pass peacefully and without fear from this earth. How wonderful she trusts you! My mom and I have had many conversations about death. Thing is, she has NO disease process that will precipitate her death. Only old age. Sad thing for me is that she refuses to talk about after death. I once broached the subject and her statement to me was "Well, God's never done anything for me".  LOL So typical. I told her He has let you live for 89 years. [smile]
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Sandygator
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Terpin

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Posts: 13
Reply with quote  #7 
I always wanted to make sure my Mom and Dad received same care from me, that I was able to offer to others - but like your Mom, she has no disease, just the dementia. A few years ago they put together a trust, and disinherited me completely. I guess I was discarded by her. My Dad was already in the throws of Alzheimers when he signed it.  She left everything to UCLA so that she could get her name on a plaque in the library. Of course when she needs something or has an emergency she calls me.

One of the doctors suggested that I become a formal guardian, but that would just mean that I have to take care of UCLA's future property on my dime... and that is simply not happening. Furthermore I'm the one who would have to pop the 10K to have a lawyer do the paperwork.

I have no POA or anything, so I'm very glad she has the funds to stay in an assisted living home. She complains relentlessly, but I try to ignore it - it's just too much to be taking care of two elderly parents at once especially since I've seen the Trust. Perhaps I'm lucky I found out before they passed, since she was giving me the story that she was leaving everything to me (her only child). 
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #8 
My friends the price for caring is priceless for starters an yes it's time consuming, pressure building,heart wrecking an even more but the lord an holy spirit never really give us more than we are worth or can handle . We were all choose in some category to handle what the other will not oh have not been chosen for why because God knows only you can when we tap into his strengh.
I am writing from experience also I am 51 and been taking care of my 7 year old who has Als since 2009 and is completely bedridden. Her children do not call or visit and she is an only child every adult family member is dead.
Julien
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Unregistered
Reply with quote  #9 
My friends the price for caring is priceless for starters an yes it's time consuming, pressure building,heart wrecking an even more but the lord an holy spirit never really give us more than we are worth or can handle . We were all choose in some category to handle what the other will not oh have not been chosen for why because God knows only you can when we tap into his strengh.
I am writing from experience also I am 51 and been taking care of my 7 year old who has Als since 2009 and is completely bedridden. Her children do not call or visit and she is an only child every adult family member is dead.
Julien
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skibee

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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #10 
i would get ur mother on an anti-depressent . i had a bed-ridden mother & 88 yr.old dad
w/ macular degeneration eye disease.. move in w/me & ex.
the medicine was a 
God send !!
my dad was driving me crazy and i went on zoloft and it saved my life (or dad's) haha.
mother was crying a lot and it sure helped her.
i take 150 MG and it makes a beautiful attitude....
my parents are gone now ~*
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Terpin

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Posts: 13
Reply with quote  #11 
Both of my parents are on antidepressants though I think the home is still working on getting them right. Dad is on mood stabilizers but still suffers psychosis from the Alz. I bought him some slider sandals for wearing in his room and the other day he put them on his hands. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry - he seems happier sometimes, but he can be crazy too. Mom being a Narc will never be happy. We took her out to see a band last night which she enjoyed, but not without passing several negative comments in the passive aggressive manner.

Wish anti depressants worked on me - I could use 'em.
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