| NGA |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1426 |
Candy,
I think that Sue has given you some solid and frank advice, but there is something I have to point out about the concept of mom as "guest" -it is exactly the "guest" attitude that prevents me from ever having my mother come live with me, magnified due to all her other Nmom traits.
In all the years I've been married she has come to my home for almost every holiday and has NEVER helped with one dish. ("You have a dishwasher" which she would shriek every time I asked her to help clear the table, btw I got the machine primarily because she made me the official dish washing slave at her house) She sits and is waited on. She has never washed a load of laundry or swept my floor. Had she ever attempted to be a helper to me in my home I might have a different feeling. My father on the other hand always assisted me so I knew that if necessary he could live with me.
My mother did not like him to be alone at "her house " so I had to pick them up and then deposit my father at my house while I took my mother to doctors' appointments etc. Consequently, my father spent many days in my home. After these little trips I had to return home and make them a meal here and then drive them back to their house BEFORE it got dark, which meant I had to make two meals, one for them and one for my family. All to accommodate my MOTHER the GUEST. I should have stopped this the minute it started.
I read that BEFORE anyone comes to live with you, whether it is a parent, a sibling, friend or an adult-child, for the sake of all you need to establish the rules-right down to cleaning expectations, financial accountability, food purchasing, household chores, TV volume. Whenever someone goes to live in a group situation there are RULES and REGULATIONS posted. To borrow from MS "Posting is a good thing." It is never too late to establish and enforce RULES in YOUR HOME.
If you want to treat your mother like a guest, please consider that if you do, she may think of you as the on site B&B hostess.
To help the other posters understand your particular situation better could you tell us how old your mom is, what her ability level is and more about her personality (anecdotes are very welcome)?
|
| Loading... | | |
| Dustygirl01 | |
| NGA |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1428 |
This was posted earlier, but disappeared. I hope the earlier post doesn't reappear.
Candy,
I think that Sue has given you some solid and frank advice, but there is something I have to point out about the concept of mom as "guest" -it is exactly the "guest" attitude that prevents me from ever having my mother come live with me, magnified due to all her other Nmom traits.
In all the years I've been married she has come to my home for almost every holiday and has NEVER helped with one dish. ("You have a dishwasher" which she would shriek every time I asked her to help clear the table, btw I got the machine primarily because she made me the official dish washing slave at her house) She sits and is waited on. She has never washed a load of laundry or swept my floor. Had she ever attempted to be a helper to me in my home I might have a different feeling. My father on the other hand always assisted me so I knew that if necessary he could live with me.
My mother did not like him to be alone at "her house " so I had to pick them up and then deposit my father at my house while I took my mother to doctors' appointments etc. Consequently, my father spent many days in my home. After these little trips I had to return home and make them a meal here and then drive them back to their house BEFORE it got dark, which meant I had to make two meals, one for them and one for my family. All to accommodate my MOTHER the GUEST. I should have stopped this the minute it started.
I read that BEFORE anyone comes to live with you, whether it is a parent, a sibling, friend or an adult-child, for the sake of all you need to establish the rules-right down to cleaning expectations, financial accountability, food purchasing, household chores, TV volume. Whenever someone goes to live in a group situation there are RULES and REGULATIONS posted. To borrow from MS "Posting is a good thing." It is never too late to establish and enforce RULES in YOUR HOME.
If you want to treat your mother like a guest, please consider that if you do, she may think of you as the on site B&B hostess.
To help the other posters understand your particular situation better could you tell us how old your mom is, what her ability level is and more about her personality (anecdotes are very welcome)?
|
| Loading... | | |
| OhDear |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1429 |
>My mother did not like him to be alone at "her house "
Why? What was she afraid he'd do if he was 'alone at her house'? Change the locks and not let her in? ;-p
|
| Loading... | | |
| E-nuff4me |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1430 |
Hi Candy welcome.
I can only imagine what you are going though having your mother live in the same house with you. I think that I was saved by a miracle or maybe it was just dumb luck because as I think back on the conversations I had with my mom about her coming to live with me I think I left very little doubt of who would be doing what.
She kept asking me these questions like...'who will clean up the mess?' and I would answer ...'who ever made the mess.' or ' who will cook dinner?' and I said...' I love your cooking and I work all day. ' I guess I unknowingly let her know that our living arrangement would be something mutual, not me waiting on her.
As she got older and I too developed some health issues, she kept asking these questions but the answers got a little different. When we talked about her coming to live with me she would now say...'I'm not sick enough yet to live with you.' This is when I finally realized what she was getting at so I said that I wanted her to live with me for company and to share our lives together not for me to be her nurse and if she required nursing care she would have to go to NH as I wasn't able to look after her in that way.
I agree with the other posters this arrangement with your mom living with you is not working, at least for you, and she needs to do what she can and participate in what she is able to do and I would make myself pretty scarce. Go on a long Holiday!! Maybe you can make some appointments to view a couple of AL's as the one my mom is going too this week is just beautiful.
Mom too never wanted to go to a NH as she says that NH is a place to go to and die but these AL's are not like that but they are a wonderful community with people her own age and activities for everyone. I think that some of this is just fear of the unknown with these elders and not wanting to change and I know AL living is not for everyone but it sure worth a good try.
I glad you found this board.
Take care
|
| Loading... | | |
| NGA-Oh Dear |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1431 |
Oh Dear,
Nmom was/is territorial about "her house" even though my dad's work (disabled vet) paid for it, you would think he did nothing to earn it, to hear her talk. She locked us out, even in the fifties and sixites (when everyone kept their doors open,) when she went anywhere. My sister and I spent many days after school sitting outside in all sorts of weather waiting for her or our father to let us in, BUT we were well dressed, looking like little fashion plates in the rain and the snow.
Our mother always claimed that we might make a mess so what we think is that she didn't want our father there, cooking or eating=Making a mess, evidently he could be at my house making a mess. ( for the record she thought making toast and a "string" left on the floor from home sewing was making a mess )
We think it is hilarious when she tells my sister "COME HOME." Frankly, her house was never a home-there was/is absolutely no comfort there (she arranged her hospital bed to be placed right in front of the couch so there is no place for us to sit in the living room when we are there-it is all about control)-she cared more for her triple ruffled cotton bedspreads and curtains than she did for us. As I recall there is nothing more refreshing than ironing yards and yards of dampened starchy fabric on a hot summer's day.
No one (with the exception of the home health, to keep her from seeing the upstairs) is allowed to use the first floor bathroom, which is exclusively hers. She doesn't want our food in her refrigerator. The MINUTE she decides that she doesn't want something in her house it has to be removed.
This is only the tip of 'the why no one can live with her iceberg.' And God help the poor soul whoever has to live with her-the weeks I had to sleep there were her heaven and my hell.
|
| Loading... | | |
| OhDear |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1432 |
Yikes! Your mother would be a perfect fit as a house sitter for multi million dollar houses. Realtors like having someone on the property to keep an eye on things- BUT the house must look 24x7 like no one lives there, and it's ready for a magazine shoot. I think they call 15 minutes before they are coming with a client to see the place and it must be PERFECT. Kitchens and bathrooms immaculate, no drops of water on the counter, no dust, no personal items left out. pillows plumped, etc.
>No one (with the exception of the home health, to keep her from seeing the upstairs) is allowed to use the first floor bathroom, which is exclusively hers.
What's upstairs that's so horrible?
|
| Loading... | | |
| NGA-Oh Dear |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1433 |
Oh Dear,
The upstairs is fine, she doesn't want folks nosing about her house. She claims that the home health aides rummage through everything and will steal things.
Most of the upstairs drawers have been emptied anyway. I bring a bag to Goodwill every few days so that I won't have an enormous clean out to face at the last minute. What is so sad about this is I knew all this and tried for decades to avoid every problem my mother has created. It is almost as if once she knew what I wanted to do she made it her mission to do the opposite.
|
| Loading... | | |
| Alinka-Dusty |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1434 |
Hey Dustygirl01,
Thanks for your welcome back post.....I've read the boards pretty much everyday but have been going through a time of being too depressed to post.....mostly thinking what I could possibly contribute?
I've always enjoyed this time of year but now just want to hide. Feeling old, feeling ugly, blah, blah, blah. Enough of my pity party!
I hope you had a good vacation and that Prodigal is having a good vacation too.
NGA said: Quote: she doesn't want folks nosing about her house. She claims that the home health aides rummage through everything and will steal things.
I can relate to this, NM is always very concerned about "people" knowing what she has. Goes through household help like you would not believe.
From OhDear:Quote: BUT the house must look 24x7 like no one lives there, and it's ready for a magazine shoot.
|
| Loading... | | |
| Dustygirl01 |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1435 |
Alinka, I'm sorry you've been feeling down. It is a hard time of year sometimes. Can you think of anything you could do to make you feel a little better? Join a book group at the local library, take a yoga class at the YMCA? Find a great book to read? Start walking with your husband?
|
| Loading... | | |
| Sarah to NGA |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1436 |
My Nfather does this.
His house is immaculate. Nothing out of place. Spends most of the day cleaning, dusting and rearranging. My mother has no say in anything. He refers to their home as 'his house', even after 50 years with her. It's like she's played no part in their financial security, despite working for 35 years. She is constantly marginalised. My BIL recently remarked she has no personality when he is around. That he sucks the oxygen from her so she can't speak.
Nfather is playing the "who blinks first" game at the moment. I haven't really spoken to him in nearly a month. There's been two calls of less than a minute each, one when he tried to be centre of attention the day my best friend arrived from Australia to see me and he tried to insist we visit him instead of having a girly day out. The other time was when I rang to speak to them both and he refused to talk as he was 'dressing'.
It appears my mother has told my sister she's very upset at the way I'm behaving and surely "it's" just water under the bridge now. And she's upset I don't visit more when I'm passing.
A) what is water under the bridge? What is "it"? Clearly Nfather has been making up fairy stories about something as a reason why he's justified in not speaking to me.
B) the continual bad behaviour of my Nfather will never be water under the bridge because I am constantly on my guard against recurring episodes.
C) Why would I want to visit more? So I can be the butt of his nastiness instead of her.
I've had a month of peace and quiet and I'm loving it. Naff off to the pair of them.
|
| Loading... | | |
| SUE |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1437 |
Hello everybody,
I hope you don't mind me butting in here on Sarah's post...but it just hit a real chord with me.
I too experienced one parent (my NM) just sucking the life and soul out of my father. I would feel sorry for him on our visits as he was not allowed to speak, and would just sit in his chair as if he was part of the furniture. Often he would be verbally abused by NM and he would just sit there, maybe he would lift his eyebrows and smile...as if to let the cruel words just flow over him.
I once told NM that I felt sorry for Dad as she never let him speak and always critized him in front of company. Her answer...oh don't you stick up for him, you should hear what he has to say about YOU when you're gone'.
I think it was from that point on that I realized they were very much part of a team. If I were to speak out of turn, they would both verbally attack me and turn very cold and distant. I think my dad enjoyed not having the spotlight on him and he got a bit of peace when I became the victim.
Yes, 'water under the bridge' is rather pathetic excuse for our parent's abusive behaviors and everchanging moods. All I can say is that a river is not always calm and we have to be aware of the whirlpools and the deadly tides..I think this is why most of us with N parents are almost born with antennae and find it hard to relax in any situation.
For the first time in years I am starting to feel calm, probably the effect of low dose of antidepressant kicking in...but it is a lovely feeling, especially now I am back home and truly can relax here.
Sarah, do not feel guilty about not visiting your parents more...let them get on with it.
Love from Sue
|
| Loading... | | |
| NGA |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1438 |
Sarah,
N's subdue everyone in their grasp.And they do suck everything out of their victims, your poor mother was reduced to an extra in your dad's life's drama.
Sue,
My mother uses the same technique to silence anyone who defends another from her abuse. If my younger sister comes to my defense she will say "If you only knew what she says about you behind your back." Her response to the challenge "Please tell" is "It is TOO horrible to repeat." You can imagine what this has done for family harmony. Additionally, N's reserve the right to "tell it like it is" whenever and wherever.
Alinka,
It is wonderful to have you back. You were a pivotal person who helped me get to where I am today.
This may be simplistic, but maybe you have SAD. Please consider this as possibility.
|
| Loading... | | |
| Sarah to SUE |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1439 |
Hi Sue
I decided to start taking St John's Wort this morning because I found myself on the edge of hysteria thinking about everything.
I also spoke to my mother this morning, who volunteered the information that the reason I'm being ignored is because I did not bring my friend to see him after he had gone out to the supermarket and bought us an expensive lunch.
Let me say that again. He went out and bought lunch for us without telling us he wanted us to come round for lunch. Even though he knew we were out together having a girly day in another town 30 miles away because my mother told him. Even though he never invited us or even discussed my friend going round to their house.
I'm being punished for not reading his mind!!!
WTF???
I just can't take much more. He comes at me on so many fronts now (I think someone referred to it as a raptor testing the fences for weakness) that I can't bring myself to talk to him.
|
| Loading... | | |
| Dustygirl01 |
|
| |
Reply with quote | #1440 |
Unreal. It's so bizarre you kind of have to laugh. I swear their minds are just warped. Yes, narcs are notorious for expecting people to read their minds. Plus, you have to remember, they think the world revolves around them.
|
| Loading... | | |
