| JJ |
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Reply with quote | #31 |
Amien,
I have had to cut off contact with my grandmother (which I know is not the same, but she raised me after my mother died and I looked to her as a mother) It took years to finally come to the conclusion that she pathological to me, it is still an ongoing situation because she still tries to get back into my life. I have suffered the guilt and shame of cutting her out, but I came to the conclusion that the worst thing that could happen is that she would think poorly of me for doing this to her. She already thinks poorly of me.
So, if you really want to stop communicating with them, a question that may help is what is the worst thing that could happen that has not already happened?
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| cleofet |
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Reply with quote | #32 |
JJ you have a very good point. What is the worst thing that could happen that has not already happened? I could continue to work on my self esteem which she has broken down from my birth. I have a lot of catching up to do since I am already 54 and only started growing up 2 years ago. I had a set back on May 11 2006 when we went to pick her up in Philadelphia to bring her here to live with us. Her decision was to sell her house and move here. No one forced her. It is ironic that the day we picked her up was my 53rd Birthday. I know that when I/we talk to her about having to move somewhere else that that will be the end of communicating with her because she will feel that I am no good just like my sister is and my brother was. Oh well it has come to a point that this is a matter of self survival. I wish I had never mentioned her moving in with us but it was done out of love and a hope that she would show me some in return before she dies. That is never going to happen. I am working on accepting that. Take care and God bless JJ. |
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| Kathy |
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Reply with quote | #33 |
cleofet,
In an earlier post, you questioned if any of us actually confronted our N. parents with the fact that they are narcissistic.
In my case, no. I have not confronted my parents, but a couple of years ago, I sent my dad a link to the N. website just to see what his reaction would be. His reaction was, "Yep, that description fits your mother exactly"! Apparently he could see the symptoms in her, but not in himself. My dad views himself as 'perfect'.
At one point, I did confront them both about my childhood abuse and their continued abuse of me. (I do consider my treatment as an adult to also be abusive.) As for my mother, she turned her head away, folded her arms over her chest and denied that it ever happened. My dad acknowledged that my abuse occurred, but said I was making a big thing out of nothing. I should just forget the entire thing ever happended. Of course, he added that it was not his fault that my mother abused me. He was just an innocent bystander.
In my opinion, these N. parents view themselves as perfect parents and our imperfections caused all of their problems. They will never admit that there is anything wrong with them! To confront them would be throwing S**T into a spinning fan.....it all just spatters back on you!
As a child, you always believe if you were a little prettier, smarter or better, they will love you more. As an adult, you reach the conclusion that they are never going to love you, no matter how much you bust your @ss to please them. The are only capable of loving themselves.
~Kathy~
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| Avis |
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Reply with quote | #34 |
Kathy -- You are right on so many points The only thing I think you are incorrect about is that I don't think Ns are capable of loving THEMSELVES either. If they did, I don't think they would put us through the SMell that they do.
Regarding blaming -- my father drove for years BLIND. His optamalogist told him to stop as I did, but his excuse was "Your mother makes me drive, and besides you KIDS are no where around to help -- what choice to do I have?" He had many choices. You could have hired a full-time chauffer even (he had the $$). My father has always thought he was so CUTE! I told him that if he ended up in front of a judge for killing someone while driving, not to expect the judge to be sympathetic because "Your wife MADE you drive." Fortunately, it never came to that...his guardian angels must have been working TRIPLE time and God knows how they ended with the frustrating duty of protecting the world from him!
Funny though, people will recognize faults so easily in everyone else (especially their "horrible" children) rather than see the tiniest speck of negative in themselves. An interesting design plan in humans.
Avis
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| cleofet |
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Reply with quote | #35 |
It took me years (52 to be exact) to figure out with the help of a therapist after a complete meltdown that I am trying to be the complete opposite of my mother. I want to fix everything for everyone, I take the blame for everything that goes wrong and I never accepted a compliment as something I did good or right. I had/ have such low self esteem that I retired early after doing a job for 34 years for the federal government because I had questions when a new parent activity took over and I felt that I shouldn't have to ask the questions and I should just know every new procedure. I have really let myself down all these years because I didn't want to be my mother. I am on the long and difficult road less traveled. I am growing up little by little but it is hard having that toxic person living with me. I am working up to the confrontation with her that will put her over the top I am sure. I need to survive! I hope the opportunity presents itself soon where I can put all the ducks in a row to move her somewhere else. Please keep us in your prayers. You are all in mine. God bless! |
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| 'daughter' |
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Reply with quote | #36 |
cleofet ((hugs)), you are in my prayers too.
You'll make it. Don't worry. You know, we all have our limits. Some can endure something for a very long time... but even then, they still reach a limit eventually. You will know when you have reached yours, if you haven't reached it already.
Maybe 2008 will be the best year for you yet. Maybe get your mother into some type of senior living by end of January, and start living your own life, stress free. Or, put her in a taxi for a very long drive to Philadelphia (be sure to give the taxi driver the name and address of one of those so-called know-it-all intelligent 'seniors' who gave her such lovely advice! lol).
You are in my thoughts.
'daughter' (beth)
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| Avis |
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Reply with quote | #37 |
Cleofet -- {{Hugs}}
Dr. Phil says you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. You have been acknowledging so you have been changing. What I think you need to remember is that it's not necessary (or maybe even a good idea) to do the opposite. Think of a child's see-saw. You mother was at one end and you were at the far opposite end. What you really need is true balance -- put yourself toward the middle of the see-saw. You can achieve balance at the far ends too, but that balance is a way woobly balance. A perfect world would have your mother skooting up some towards the middle too. However, we don't live in the perfect world and your mother probably won't be going there. You, however, certainly can, with or without her help.
Avis
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| ann |
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Reply with quote | #38 |
Cleofet, You sound so sweet. The only thing I could think of when reading your post is that you are not trying to not be like your mother, you are not like your mother anyway. It sould like you are caring and kind, the very opposite of a narcissist. That is a gift. You can work on the insecurity, you cannot grow a heart. Narcissists do not have hearts. I would rather be questioning ourselves than to always think we are right or perfect, like a narcissist. That shows a sign of humanity and humility. So, please don't look at your traits as negative, they are the traits of a real human being. You sound very caring, kind, and human- that is a great place to start-it you are keeping record of your new and improved traits! God Bless.
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| cleofet |
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Reply with quote | #39 |
Thanks to all of you. Sometimes it is good for me to hear that I am a good person not cold like my mothers says I am. I am not feeling to great right now so I will let you all go with a big HUG from New Orleans. Take care and God bless everyone of you.  |
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| michelle with nmom |
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Reply with quote | #40 |
Cleofet:
You are not cold - you are protecting yourself, whether you acknowledge it or not.
There are only so many times a person can take abuse and keep getting pulled back, only to be hurt again, that eventually you start to turn off so you don't feel anything.
Get her out of there. Your sanity is utmost - don't let your children think that the relationship with your narcissist is normal.
I've been avoiding the boards because this is a really crappy time of year for me. I hate the holidays - I hate the pretend that's involved with my n's.
When we did not have anyone else around besides hubby and kids, I loved every minute of the season, the cooking, particularly the baking, making things, stories, lots of love. Now that I have her here, even though she is next door and not in my house, she will be at every gathering, she will affect every dinner, and all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up till it's over.
My brother killed himself with drugs 20 years ago just before Christmas - she manipulated him into thinking he had no one to turn to and he just gave up. I now understand why my dad drank himself to death. He started to get like her and probably couldn't face himself.
It's taken years to put together the threads of deceit and the lies - so many that she does not even remember them. I cut her out of as many occasions as I can - but unless I move away, I cannot keep her out of everything, as much as I would like to. No one can understand what she has done to you....words can't describe the damage to the person you were supposed to be.
There is no use trying to confront them - they will not remember, or will remember differently, or just say you are exaggerating or else blame it on how they were raised, and they didn't know any differently. Maybe it is something they can't help, I don't know.
Sorry, I ramble. The point is, you are a good and caring person. You are protecting yourself when you seem cold to her. She has done damage to you, and yes, you step in to try to fix everything and do everything for everyone and stand back and let others take the credit and are afraid to accept a compliment, because you have been taught that you do not deserve it.
Your life will be so much better with her out of it and far away so do everything you can to get your life back. Your children will be grown and gone before you know it - don't let her steal those moments away from you, or ruin them for you - because you are a different person when she is around you. I know I am, and I don't like the person I am when that happens.
Hope your christmas present to yourself and your family is getting her out of your house and into assisted living, or some other arrangement. Don't worry about what she wants, likes, or needs. She had her chance - now it is your turn to raise a happy family. Your husband and children deserve the best of you, and they in turn will pass it along to their own children.
I'm sorry if I am negative but having to deal with n's and the aftermath of their little mind games is devastating. I know I am rapidly reaching the end of my rope in this situation. Even with boundaries always in place, my armour on, headphones adjusted with the volume turned waaaaaaaay up so I can't hear the "nasty oh I'm so nice and concerned about you" voice, just breathing the same air as one so toxic hurts my very soul.
Hope you can save yourself.
michelle with nmom
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| cleofet |
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Reply with quote | #41 |
Michelle you are my soul sister. You have said all the things I think and that I am just being able to verbalize after all these years. I know what you mean about Christmas and just wanting to sleep till it is over. My brother died last December 10th right before his 60th birthday on Jan. 6th. Because mom was here with us she got to see him that last time because he had moved to Florida. They hadn't spoken in almost two years. When she talks about when he died even then it is about her. "I was a good mother and he treated be so bad. I did everything for my kids and then they kicked me in the ass" I get so tired of hearing her bad mouth him , my sister, my dad her brother and anyone else that ever touched her life. She never remembers the good that people did and embellishes the things that were not so good making them out to be monsters. The negativity really is toxic. I try to stay away from her as much as possible now and really don't start many conversations with her because they always turn bad and hurtful. You know I really don't mind the running to the Dr. (for real ailments) or helping her take a shower or even washing her private parts. None or the physical care bothers me but this emotional abuse is just to much for me to handle. I can tell you know exactly what I am talking about Michelle. Well, we need to somehow get out of the pits and try somehow to live the life we are meant to live. I am trying to think of some ways to do this. If I come up with any I will let you know. If you come up with some post them here. I know there are so many of us out here that need to smile and see a BRIGHT & BEAUTIFUL DAY. God Bless |
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| michelle with nmom |
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Reply with quote | #42 |
Hey Soul sister Cleofet:
I'm so sorry about your brother - your wound is fresh and I can just imagine how much you must dread reliving it through nmom and her complaining about him. I don't know how you manage to take care of her and have her right there - you really are in my prayers this month!
You are right - we have to climb out of the pits - I just hate it when I get myself into pity-party mode.
She has found an excuse to come over EVERY DAY this week, one petty reason or another and today I have to take her on errands that are too far for her to drive herself 
I'll take Tractors Christmas CD and Manheim Steamroller in the truck with me and drown her out. If she gets really pissy I'll put on one of the punk cd's I have - maybe it will drive her completely loopy and she'll jump from the truck in an effort to save herself and........oooops.......just my fantasy! 
Hope you find some peace through the holidays - if I find anything that works (besides the bottle or pills) I will keep you posted. Take care of yourself. We deserve to be happy, don't we!
michelle with nmom
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| cleofet |
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Reply with quote | #43 |
Hi Soul Sister Michelle, Today after you drag mom all over the world and listen to all her poop why not take a bubble bath and put some soothing music on while you do that. Tell anybody that my interrupt that this is your couple of hours. Don't stay in the water for two hours though because you will turn into a prune (not attractive). Maybe you could go get a manicure and (Oh my Goodness) a pedicure. I had a pedicure twice in the last two years and it was GREAT. The bubble bath sounds good to me so I think I will do that after choir practice tonight. It will be sort of late but I will look forward to that. If I think of any other treats to give to ourselves I will post them. Hay everyone else we ALL need to treat ourselves everyday to something nice. Let make that a goal for each of us. We need to love ourselves so we have the strength to love them. Take care and God bless. |
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| Cyn |
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Reply with quote | #44 |
Hello All,
I am a daughter of a Nmom. My stories are posted on the original N-mom thread and the N-relatives thread. It has been a while since I've posted and don't recognize many of the names but a loud hello and big hug.
I wanted to share an experience that I went through not too long ago. After many years of therapy and reading (self-help, N, etc) books, a retreat called the Hoffman Quadrinity Process really drove it all home for me. It is based on the "negative love syndrome" and teaches one to shed his parents sh*t that was placed upon him and break the patterns inherited from parents to become our true beings.
http://www.hoffmaninstitute.org
It was developed 40 years ago and is worldwide. Harvard even does fellowships there. I truly feel like I am shedding my mom's N layers and layers that wrapped me so tightly I couldn't breathe. Love and light to you all. |
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| Caroline66 |
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Reply with quote | #45 |
Quote: Please, Please, Please if the thought of taking in your N mother or father ever crosses your mind "STOP." You will grow old and tired trying to make them happy in their old age and they will hate you for it anyway. I speak from experience that is ongoing. You will never have the number 10 parent you dream of and you will be endangering your relationship with your spouse and other family members.
This is one thing I have to thank this forum for. Up until I found this forum, although I had sick feelings in my stomach everytime the phone rang, I apologized over and over again for my mother to friends, relatives and my husband's family over my nMom's behavior - which everyone always politely ignored - I had actually planned to be the caretaker for my mother. My sister wasn't going to do it, everyone knew that. It was always "assumed" that I would be the one.
I actually even showed my Mom the townhouse condo place down the street from us where I thought we would buy a place for her when she needed it, and she said they were "tacky."
Well, after I reached my limit with her earlier this year and said "no more", she has said "oh I hope you will consider letting me move into one of those condos" .... total about face. Although she rejected the "condos" earlier, she has been going on and on about how many ailments she has during "limited contact" and I finally brought it back to her that I couldn't possibly consider the responsibilty of taking care of her - with all her ailments - and she needed to be in assisted living. Darn it, if suddenly she didn't get "better" - she doesn't "really" have diabetes, and when she said she couldn't "walk" - she didn't "really" mean it ....
No, this forum has helped me so much. I have two girls in elementary school, and I am not taking an inch away from them, the way I didn't have my mother (she was not my custodial parent after I was 8 years old). Yes, this is the mother who assumed I was taking her in.
Not after reading this forum. Thanks.
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