| Carolyn |
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Reply with quote | #76 |
Reading all of your posts, I feel so supported, even if I don't know you personally. I am the daughter of two narcissistic parents, my mother the self appointed queen bee, of course. My dad is from a severely abused childhood, and just follows along. I, on the other hand, have fought her my entire life. Of course, she has made my life a living hell for it, the best she could. Because of her aggressive, over-the-top and sometimes violent need to control, I moved across the country to escape. I have no siblings and knew that despite her underlying hate for me (behind the facade of caring, of course), she was setting me up to be her caretaker someday. No way. My whole life she called me names, put me down, talked badly and cruelly about me to others, and a host of other things. I'm not devoted to someone who has never been devoted or truly cared about me. My dad is caring, but bullied into submission by her. If he survives her, I would help him.
At 44, I am divorced, no kids and alone. I have spent my life as an artist, having success in it, but always being solitary by choice. The pain inflicted upon me by my mother has left me distrustful of people, but skilled in reading them. I've been excellent in sales, due to reading people well, and have used my skills well to keep myself afloat. My pets are my companions, and I am at peace. I no longer care to date because the men I used to choose turned out to be as violent and narcissistic as my mother. Even after years of therapy and knowing better, the pattern continued. It's ok because now I am actually happy, being far away from her, and talking on the phone with them is nice because when she gets mean I hang up. I miss my dad, but unfortunately they're a package deal.
I am a kind and caring person, and not all the bad things my mom says I am. She is not capable of love, only in making people do what she wants (trying to), since the age of 12 I have done what I wanted, and ignored her. The "stubbornness and so-called selfishness" has kept me alive despite severe depression (now under control with meds), and anxiety/PTSD. I am OK now, just a bit battle scarred but otherwise just fine. My life is peaceful and nobody defines me now, I define myself and it's a wonderful feeling. Don't let your parents control you, no matter how hard the n-parent tries. Life will be better if you can do that.
Carolyn
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| Redneck |
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Reply with quote | #77 |
 Carolyn. Welcome to the Board!!! How great to have you join us.
Yes, some of us are 'solitary' also...some by choice and some have no choice. Yet...it's nice here for all of us: we can pop-in for company, support or whatever we need...or just read the replies and know we are not alone.
We have other artists on-board and most of us not-so-artistics...would enjoy anything you are comfortable sharing.
Again, welcome.
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| Carolyn |
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Reply with quote | #78 |
Thanks for the welcome 
Art has always been there for me, an escape from the crap my folks put me through as a kid, and as an adult, it keeps me busy. It's not a job, but my life, to some degree. It's been the bond between my dad and I, he is an amazing artist, in a more technical way (architecture). I'm the creative side. My mother, of course, not to be outdone, had to try to fashion herself into an artist, but she couldn't compete with either of us and gave up. She's all about competition, and used to spill coffee on my art then blame on me, just to feel power (taught me fast to keep it away from her!)
See my work at my studio site, if you like, here:
http://www.cafepress.com/twopurringcats
We all have talents, it's our duty to ourselves to promote what we like about ourselves, to undo the hurtful garbage n-parents inflict upon us. It's been my lifelong mission to do this, a thankless job, but I enjoy what I do.
Carolyn
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| Redneck |
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Reply with quote | #79 |
Carolyn. Your art is AMAZING!!! I checked out your link and will return when I have more time. [Right now, I'm on s-l-o-w dial-up which takes forever... ]
Others will be coming-by with replies, greetings and support; but week-ends, typically, are a bit slow.
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| Kathy, the old one |
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Reply with quote | #80 |
Hi Carolyn,
I just wanted to welcome you to the group and tell you that I admire you taking charge of your life and not putting up with any BS from your N. parents! I wish that I had the same courage many----many years ago. (I am sure many of us inflicted with N relatives do!)
Also, We (daughter and I ) really loved your art work. We have 6 parrots in our own menagerie. I just ordered two of your "Parrots of the World" Steins, one for me and one for Kelly. Your art work is lovely and it enabled me to add to my huge collection of parrot related items! 
~Kathy~
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| Carolyn |
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Reply with quote | #81 |
Hi Kathy and Redneck,
I am so glad that you enjoy my artwork (and thanks for ordering  ) ! I work at it 24/7, it's my therapy, my strengh out of the intense pain of my parents, because I love them with all my heart but to them, any success I has is threatening and I cannot share my joys with them much (or they get jealous and rude about it). So, I threw myself into what I do, and it helps me to be less lonely. The hardest thing about being tough with my parents is that I love them more than life itself, but to them, my calls are entertaining if nothing better is on television. They are so preoccupied with their lives that my existence doesn't matter. So, it matters to me.
I care about myself since they are too busy caring about only themselves, their lives and their needs. Therapists told me to "run far and wide, but run away" and I did, with kindness, they barely noticed. They don't call visit (I"m in Florida but they think it's "too hot" or otherwise make lame excuses why not to come). I do the work if I want to see them, as they sit on their thrones. My two cats are better company, they love, don't talk back and don't pick on my appearance/life/etc in minute detail. That's why I named my studio after them, loyalty to those who are loyal to me My art is happy and non-violent, to make up for the rough, violent life I had with my mother, a blazing mix of Mommy Dearest, that mother from the movie "Ordinary People" (perfect example) and a horror movie character or two stirred in. Art is my escape, plain and simple.
Carolyn
Carolyn
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| BJ |
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Reply with quote | #82 |
WOW Carolyn.....Your artwork is awesome!! I wish I had half the talent you have. You should feel quite proud of yourself for what you have accomplished having to overcome such abuse. My father passed away in 04 so his neglect and blind eye to abusive relatives is a moot point now but, I have found out that the boundaries thing that people kept telling me about really does work. I use it now in regard to my N-mom. She has always been quite a piece of work but instead of calling her now, I turned those tables (as some very wise people here instructed me to do....thanks to all those who suggested that wonderful piece of advice) and she has to end up calling me if she really wants some attention. And, of course, she does because she wants nothing but the attention. Sometimes she can make me absolutely sick to my stomach because of her reactions to things. Like my new grandson....he is absolutely beautiful and I show him off often....really to anyone who will listen. But, when I show my N-mom pictures of him, she has no comment. As a matter of fact, she gets that disgusted look. He is her first and only great-grandson and she has never even seen him....never even asked to see him. Why? Because my daughter in law is native Hawaiian so, of course, little Ben is dark. He is an innocent, beautiful, sweet, 5 month old baby boy. I just don't get it! My N-mom's housekeeper (she has known this woman all of 4 months) gave her a picture of herself (why, I have no idea) and my mom displayed it on her hutch in a basket... no frame. When I gave her a picture of her great-grandson, she shoved it in a drawer claiming that she didn't want the cat to get at it and chew on it??
Anyway, sounds like your parents are still in your life but you need to keep those boundaries up. Try to let others in often. A little difficult at times, I know, but it will be so much better for you. There are a lot of other wonderful people out there that are in the same boat. Helps a lot to talk it out with someone in the same situation. I hope you find a lot of consolation here.
Hugs....
Barb
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| Carolyn |
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Reply with quote | #83 |
Barb,
That is too bad about your mom's reaction to your grandson. Such disrespect, why so harsh about an innocent little baby. Typical n-parent, they feel like they have to have the final say in things or something. As if they are so superior. If she's like that then she doesn't deserve to be in the child's life, he has you and for that he can be grateful
I read something by psychologist, Susan Forward that was really profound. I think it was her, anyways I typed it up and saved it:
" Loving behavior doesn't grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn't hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued and respected. Genuine love creates stability and inner peace. "
I keep it on my desk so I can remember this when dealing with my n-parents. Nobody is perfect but my mom is so critical, easy to scorn or blame, and loves to make problems when none are even there to begin with. High drama, and quick disgust if things don't meet her expectations or go her way. Your mom appears similar from what you've written, I don't know. It does make you sick, being treated like that.
One Christmas I gave my parents homemade ornaments, which mom promptly broke and shrugged off. I was heartbroken, they were ornately sculpted flowers and I had worked hours on them. Dad told me he would try to fix them, seeing how upset I was but they never were. Mom told me that they just weren't made sturdy enough, as usual blaming whatever the problem is on something other than her actions. It's usually my shortcomings, in her mind. When she got busted for child abuse in my teen years, my school intervened and took me away, she of course blamed it all on me. N's sure are masters at shifting blame, and showing no caring or respect. It's all about them, their wants, needs, etc. Yes, it makes me sick too.
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| michelle with nmom |
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Reply with quote | #84 |
Hi Carolyn:
Welcome to this group - where "through the looking glass" is the real deal white is black and right is wrong up is down and no matter what you do or how you do it it is your fault. BTW your artwork is GREAT
In my family, nmom was the artist and if we showed any interest in trying a project of our own, she made it so unpleasant that we (at least I) never tried again. As adults, siblings have done some work, only to have her "mark" it - fingernail across the canvas, in the clay, etc. And yes, handmade items are never seen again......lesson learned.
Hey Barb:
Sounds like your nmom is alot like mine - such bigots - it will be a good day for the world when women like them no longer exist, so they can't pass the hatred along. Oh how I love babies and the look in their eyes and the smell of their hair and the spot on the bottom of their little feet that's perfect for lips to tickle - you are lucky and your grandson is lucky to have a grandma who will stand up to the world for him.
michelle with nmom
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| Kathy, the old one |
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Reply with quote | #85 |
Quote: " Loving behavior doesn't grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn't hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued and respected. Genuine love creates stability and inner peace. "
What wise words and thanks for sharing them and sharing your talent!
As for me, I just kept on working harder in hopes that someday, I would be appreciated. My mother was an Molotov cocktail of mental illness, addictions and personality disorders. (She was Mommy Dearest to the extreme.) I referred to her as "Mommy Meanest" among other names. My dad is a N, but it took many years and many tears for me to understand that fact. Thanks for posting the true definition of "LOVE". I wish I had made a great escape too, but realizing the truth helps in the recovery.
~Kathy, the old one~
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| BJ |
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Reply with quote | #86 |
Yes, thanks for sharing that meaning....certainly describes how we should all feel when we are around our parents. I told my N-mom once that a parents' love should be unconditional...I know mine is. I don't always agree with my sons about things but I am there for them no matter what. She responded with "there is no love for a child that does not OBEY"! I am almost 50...how long does she expect me to be the child?
And you are so right Michelle. My father did not ever deny that he was a bigot so at least I could deal with it right up front and in the open. When my sons were little and he would call people names just because they were different in some way, I firmly told him not to do that in front of my kids. I heard it enough when I was little. My mom is a different story because she acts as if she is trying to convince people that she is just the opposite. She sounds so pathetic when she does it to. Makes me sick because she will turn around and ignore her own great grandchild. Next time she tells me that she just LOVES babies, I am going to call her a liar to her face! Certainly won't change her any but it will make me feel so good!! BJ
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| kim |
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Reply with quote | #87 |
Would it sound weird if I just said I love you all? You are all just so wonderful and comforting. I thank God every day that I found this site and a wonderful group of soulmates. I just started coming on a few days ago, but what a difference it has made for me! Now I am addicted...gotta have a dose every day.
I hope you all have a good day....
Kim
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| Original Kathy for Kim |
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Reply with quote | #88 |
Hi Kim,
I don't think it sounds weird at all! We all feel a certain camaraderie----like we are fighting a war together! We attempt to keep each and every ones moral up and we are all soul mates. No one understands who has not been through it themselves. I also love everyone here and more than once, they've saved my sanity!
Love,
Kathy
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| 'daughter' |
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Reply with quote | #89 |
Hi Carolyn, I wanted to welcome you to the board too, I'm a little late. I did see your post and did go to check out your artwork and it is lovely - very lovely. We have other artists on this board as well, and you all make me so envious - to have such talent! It's awesome.
My mom is not an N, maybe some other personality disorder, but those words you quoted had an effect on me too. "You feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected." really hit home with me. I guess with my mom, as long as everything is the WAY she wants it to be, THEN she can make me feel accepted, cared for, valued and respected!! Otherwise, forget it...she does the martyr act up to the hilt. So, to experience those feelings from a parent, how wonderful would that be? I realize that is what I felt from my Dad - he accepted me, he valued me, he respected me. PLUS: he encouraged me too - at anything I wanted to do, even if it was some fleeting fancy I had, he encouraged me.
I guess those are some great words for me to ponder for awhile now, which I will.
(((hugs))) to all of you dealing with obvious N-parents, it just breaks my heart.
'daughter' (beth)
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| michelle with nmom |
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Reply with quote | #90 |
Hey Kim:
No, it does not sound weird at all. Until I found this site, I thought I really was losing it - was driving hubby crazy because I just couldn't put my finger on what was wrong or what she was doing, or even if she was doing anything at all  , had no patience with my children because they wanted, wanted, wanted on top of all the other wants I was filling for nmom. I just knew that I was at the end of my rope in dealing with EVERYTHING.....
Once I found out the problem has a name, what the symptoms are, and how I was reacting to it all, my life changed.
I was relieved of the burden of trying to make someone happy who was determined NOT to be. I concentrated on my hubby and kids and life got GRAND AGAIN - like when I lived FAR AWAY - but never put two and two together - nmom + close proximity =
Yes, I too love everyone here. I have been helped by every post, by every person who searched and found their way here out of desperation. No one else knows how much we have lost - people who have been turned against us by lies and manipulation, the relationships we have never known because our N's isolated us, on and on. But, we can make our lives better by passing good examples along to our children, and ending the cycle, by developing interests in things we were told we were no good at, by loving ourselves so that others can love us too.
So, kids are off to school, hubby to work. Me, I think I may try some art today
michelle with nmom
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