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Reply with quote  #16 
Thanks for the great suggestions. Since my mom is still having the aledged predators come around to do for her I think it would be wise for me to follow these ideas. I don't
think Mom would make such a complaint against me but you never know with attention seeking people. There's always a chance that these other people could make a complaint esp if they decide they want me out of the picture totally to better control my mom. I can't stop them or her from associating so the best thing I can do is CYA. I finally realized that where mom is concerned it doesn't matter WHY someone comes around only that they do.
Reply with quote  #17 
Two more items for the list:

1.  Keep your cool.  Do not be sucked into the emotions.  (Easy to say).  If things are getting tense, go to another room or better still, outside.  Taking out the trash is always a useful excuse.

2.  Have a witness present.  Try never to be alone with an elder who you think may accuse you of abuse. 

3.  If you are visiting at the al or nh, visit in a common area with lots of people present.  If you are stuck in a room with the elder, keep the door open, bring chocolate and ask the aides to join you for a treat.

4.  Set up a quick exit plan.  Never stay long.  Try the 15 minute rule.  Get someone to call you with an excuse to leave in no more than 15 minutes.
Reply with quote  #18 

If I ever thought I had to do all of this to take care of my Dad, it would be Nursing Home time. No Way No How would I ever subject myself to such a situation. I don't know how you all do it! I don't think I could make myself even care about someone who would falsely accuse me of abuse.
Reply with quote  #19 
The sad truth is that dementia causes paranoia very often.  That can give the elder a persecution complex and they feel they were abused when no such thing has happened.  The elder's ability to understand and truthfully  relate events to another person can be lost and the caregivers then finds themselves accused of something that never has happened.
The personality changes of dementia do not help care givers.  Those changes can and do often lead to false accusations of abuse.  A cardinal rule of caregiving should be knowing when it is more than you can handle and then placing the elder in a al or nh

Reply with quote  #20 
If you're asked to sign anything for the elder or for their care, be very, very careful!  Read whatever you're being asked to sign.  If you don't clearly understand what it is, don't sign without having YOUR attorney look it over. 

You could  end up assuming financial responsibility - as in responsibility for paying their NH or AL bills.

This also applies to establishing joint-signature on bank accounts.  If you end up being joint owner on a bank account and the elder overdraws said account, YOU will be responsible for the overdraft.  Wells Fargo explained this to me.  They have their own, very specific, POA, which they recommend instead of joint-signature.

Reply with quote  #21 

Never, ever sign anything without reading it carefully.  And even if you think you understand it but it involves moneylots of your money potentially, get an attorney to review it.

Reply with quote  #22 

Another warning to the wise, control the situation.  If you have to tell an elder something that you know will be upsetting to the elder, plan when you are going to do it, do it carefully and calmly, and most important have a reliable witness present.

Reply with quote  #23 

By reliable, I mean someone you know will show up.  The witness must also be credible or truthfully believable.

Reply with quote  #24 

Be sure to have all important documents notarized or the bank, insurance company or registry of deeds may not accept them as valid.  Those documents include DPOAs, Health Care Proxies, living wills,health care POAS and the list goes on and on.  Rule of thumb:  it is far safer and smarter to have it notarized and not need it, then to omit it and be caught short.

Reply with quote  #25 

If you have a reclusive elder who you can not pry out of their solatary hovel with a crow bar, in order to avoid a gruesome outcome, check on them daily by phone or email. Keep a log of the calls with date and time so that if you are accused of abandoning them or neglecting them you have proof you tried .

Reply with quote  #26 

If you find that the elder is especially difficult, more so then usual, document the problem.  Do this by warning the doctor, the al or the nh of the changes you see.  Do it in writing.  Then you can never be accused of ignoring or neglecting a problem and thereby neglecting the elder.

Reply with quote  #27 

this is why we need tort reform lets get more attorneys

Reply with quote  #28 
Attorneys are needed to defend people falsely accused of elder abuse.  I am talking about their criminal defense,  This has nothing to do with tort which is civil.  We are talking about the potential of jail time based on false accusations of criminal conduct. 

The same people who brought you tort reform are the ones pushing for less rights for people accused of a crime.
Reply with quote  #29 
Winter is fast approaching with elders demanding more and more heat.A problem arises when they try to heat rooms or homes inappropriately by using stoves, toaster ovens or pots of boiling water.  This can be a danger to themselves but they can also wind up burning down homes and killing or injuring innocent people.  be especially cautious if they are on oxygen which is highly flammable.

If you can not stop them yourself, warn neighbors, tell their physician and if they are going into senior housing or an al warn the director, all in writing.  They you have done all in your power to prevent injury or death to innocent parties.
Reply with quote  #30 
Do Not Be a Martyr

We have to know our own limits.  Do not deny that we are only human and can only take so much of this burden- and it is a burden- of care giving.  Know when it is time to call for help.  Know when it is time for placement in a facility. 

No one person can care for an in content elder.  No one person can care for an elder who is combative and disruptive.  many can not an should not be cared for at home.

We have seen several horrifying murders involving elders and their caregivers lately.  It can and does happen.  We need to protect ourselves from the trap of being sucked into the violence.  We can do this in many instances by getting to know ourselves and just how much we can tolerated from our elder.

The mental health pros equate suicidal and homicidal behavior as to sides of the same equation.  Do not fall into this trap of killing oneself, having someone kill you or you killing them.  Get help before it is too late.  Prevent a tragedy.
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