| Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #16 |
The below was one of the comments on the article that just hit me between the eyes. Because my mother isn't, for instance, an alcoholic ... and didn't physically beat me or scream and yell, I have a hard time explaining why she makes me so frantic to get away from her ... in the past even somewhat suicidal. This says it for me:
"Abuse is not just neglect or rejection - it sometimes comes in the form of narcissistic smothering that leaves the adult child in a constant state of questioning himself or herself -- desperate for nothing more than complete emancipation from the view of the self through the wounded, demanding, ferocious ego of the parent." -K
Because I'm not the person my mother dreamed up and because she has zero tolerance for me being who I actually am, and because she had established such an iron grip on my self esteem and self image, I used to feel like about the only way to escape being an emotional wish bone about to snap in two was to lay down and die. At this point in my life, it just feels crummy and it will admittedly be a relief someday if I get the chance to finally simply be myself without the ongoing assaults on my center of gravity.
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| 'daughter'(beth) |
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Reply with quote | #17 |
wow, that is a very powerful statement.
I still have not read the article. I am afraid to.
Maybe after I get back home!
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| Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #18 |
Here's another comment that left me nodding and my heart beating hard:
"Its about time this became a serious topic. Why do people find it so hard to believe that one can have a semi-abusive parent who concentrates their misery or illness in their relationship with their child? School counselors and mental health specialists should be sensitive to this and there should be standard procedures for breaking free. Leaving the country helps." - Frank
The couple times I tried to talk about my mother's behavior and my self destructive feelings as a young person, first to our minister and then to a high school counselor, I was told that I needed to swallow my feelings and be a "good girl" because my mother was upset and needed my support. Uh, why is it OK for a parent to use a child as an emotional dumping ground? What happened to parents supporting and protecting their child instead of vice versa? I think some job descriptions got mixed up along the way.
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| Dustygirl01 |
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Reply with quote | #19 |
I agree Prodigal. I was the dumping ground for all of my parents misery and illness...and it started when I was in elementary school. The school knew about a lot of it, and did/offered nothing. They knew my sister passed away...offered no counseling...neither did my parents. Then, in junior high my mother was hit with a brain tumor. Honestly, back then, it was as if children didn't have too many rights...we were "just kids". It was all about the adults. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe the world wasn't that way...just my world.
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| Will I Survive |
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Reply with quote | #20 |
Dustygirl, you're not wrong, it was all about the adults. I know my school was well aware of my dysfunctional home life and took great pains to avoid getting involved. I would pray at night for someone to come and rescue me, but it never did happen.
People complain these days about agencies or "outsiders" getting involved in abusive or neglectful homes today - I say GOOD GOING. If it saves some poor child from having to live in a terrorized state (from any kind of abuse), then it's worth it.
I personally cut all ties with my own father over 15 years ago and I can say without a doubt that there will be no reconciliation. I do not keep up with him, I'm sure he lives somewhere in my area but I don't know where, and this is the way it needs to be. I didn't have any children because it terrified me that I might turn out like my self-absorbed mother or my abusive father, but my brother did have a child and he is a wonderful father, a complete opposite of what our own father was.
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| PhoenixGirl |
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Reply with quote | #21 |
I went through 5 years of weekly therapy before I cut ties with my abusive narcissistic mother. Its been about 10 years now since we've had any contact, by my choice.
I still have a feeling of anxiety about her because I know she wants to know what I am doing and would try to get back into my life if I gave her a chance. I've imagined what I would feel if I found out she had died and honestly, I think I would feel totally safe and secure for the first time in my life. I would know that she could never hurt me again.
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| Encourager |
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Reply with quote | #22 |
Ouch. This subject hurts. I haven't yet gotten the courage to read the articles, but I need to.
When my sons were in elementary school (kindergarten and fifth grade), my hubby and I made the decision to break off contact with my toxic mother. At the time she was threatening to kidnap our kids. We went to a counselor and she helped us craft a letter to my mother. We warned her that if her threats did not stop, we would break off contact with her. Her reply was vile. So my sons never knew my parents while they grew up; Dad did whatever Mom wanted and never tried to have a relationship with us. Now my mother has severe dementia (she has had mental health problems her whole life). My Dad is lonely but won't make any effort to stay in touch. We do go out there and visit once/twice a year but he won't call or write us. The boys are all grown up and I thank God my husband's parents were such great grandparents to them. It makes me sad that my parents never knew my sons and didn't watch them grow into the strong young men they are now.
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| Over my head |
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Reply with quote | #23 |
I'm so glad I found this site.
Some background.....I'm 60 yrs old. My Mom is 85 and has been Narcissistic and controlling and childlike most of her adult life. I remember as a child my father telling me not to let her know if I got hurt or if something bad happened because she couldn't handle it....I was 7 or 8 yrs old the first time this happened!!!
She can no longer take care of herself and lives with me and my two adult kids. I do everything for her...cook, clean, bathe, laundry. she has alot of trouble walking and doesn't leave the house. My son is autistic and needs alot of my support. I also work a full time job in healthcare management which is demanding.
Mom has never been physically abusive. She is just so negative about everything, tells me what to do CONSTANTLY, repeats herself constantly and becomes verbally abusive if she I don't listen to her. She then cries (no tears though) and says she wants to die. This happens just about every day. She says worries about me and loves me that's why she nags me and tells me what to do every minute. Every morning the breakfast and dinner conversation is death, dying, moaning and growning. I had to stop having breakfast at home because I could feel my blood pressure go up. This isn't exactly good for my son either. he's opted for eating his meals in another room.
I'm sorry to ramble on but I feel like I'm losing my mind. Physically I do not mind taking care of my Mom. If she would just keep her mouth shut and smile at least once per day! By the way, she is already on antidepression medication.
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| SUE |
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Reply with quote | #24 |
Hello Over My Head and Welcome,
I do empathize with your stressful relationship with your mother.
My mother is also a very negative person, she has been 'dying' for as long as I remember. Now when she tells me this I respond by saying 'Well, you're still here and you are now 95 !', I always respond the same way to her now..and it seems to be doing the trick as she knows to expect the same response from me whenever she brings up the 'death and dying' subject.
You are obviously a very competent person, and most probably highly regarded by your peers. It is so frustrating to be seen as incompetent by your mother..and I hope you can see that their is no truth at all in her misjudgement of your skills.
Your autistic son is unable to tolerate her negativity, this should tell you a great deal how toxic she is to his well being.
I used to hold a dream that my self-absorbed and negative mother would somehow be happy if she could move in with me and my family...that she would somehow start to act more normally in different surroundings. It was but a dream, because I now know that she will always be a negative person to be around...and everyone around her would be affected by her moods..and I had to protect myself and my family...never in a million years could I tolerate such a negative person in my home...mother or not.
Perhaps your work gives you a break from her, but is your son left alone with her when you are away...and does she speak to him in the same way? If the answer is yes, I think you will need to face the facts that your son is going to become far more stressed and affected by your mother's 'vibes'.
You say you are 60, and your mother is 85....looking ahead another 10 years when you have retired from work..and perhaps your son/s are still living at home...could you cope with the situation and still be mothering your family..or would you prefer to spend some time doing things just for you? I hope you will start planning now for a happy and fulfilling retirement.
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| Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #25 |
"Physically I do not mind taking care of my Mom. If she would just keep her mouth shut and smile at least once per day!" - over my head
You said it! Your mother sounds a lot like mine, but my mother is not in my house (assisted living). My hat is off to you -- that's quite a load to shoulder day in, day out.
It's so true that our mothers don't seem to comprehend what is a burden and what is not (so much). Even though my mother is in AL, I still have to do a lot -- manage her finances, supervise caregivers, run errands, drive hours to visit, take her to numerous doctor appointments, shop for her needs, get medical equipment bought and repaired, etc. You know what? Not a problem. Yes, it's extra work but I really don't mind all that much. What I do mind is are her draining rants and her negativity and weepy self indulgence and overall dumping on me emotionally, which I have literally begged her to stop doing. But no. Every now and then when it's obvious that I'm fed up and testy, she will fret about how doing all those practical and mundane tasks is "wearing me out." No, mother, what's "wearing me out" is your behavior.
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| Derby Dawg |
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Reply with quote | #26 |
Ditto, Prodigal
We took my N-MIL into our home a little over 2 years ago. She makes every little chore into a full-blown drama. Picking up prescriptions, taking the dog to the vet, helping with housecleaning. ... an so on. These were all duties that I fully expected and didn't mind taking on (and still don't)!. But every request is accompanied by weepy, I-hate-to-be-a-burden and I-'d-be-better-off dead or in a home. Vacuuming her rooms is the most dreaded task. Two bedrooms and a hallfway should take no more than five minutes, but she will follow me around the house and whine about what I "have to do for her," making me stop the vacuum repeatedly to listen to her complain. It generally takes about 30 minutes to finish. These conversations are taking their toll on my mental health. Now, when I go to her rooms, I will set the alarm on my cell phone so it rings in ten minutes or so. I can excuse myself to take the call so I don't get trapped there for longer than I can stand. It is wearing me down. She is in excellent health, all things considered, and could live many years. The thought that we could all still be living together in five, ten, fifteen years makes me want to cry and crawl under the covers.
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| Colorado57 |
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Reply with quote | #27 |
4 months NC from my NP and the golden brother and his two-faced wife. I am getting stronger and stronger and most of all I am very happy.
I have wonderful friends and have bouts from time to time of feeling sad and wishing of what could have been but now that I know so much more than I knew even 4 months ago I suspect those bouts will become less and less. I am a good, caring, decent and loving person and I finally I am happy. I know what it feels like to be abused, ignored, and in pain but feeling truly happy is something that is new and it feels great and I am not letting it go.
My husband and step-daughter are wonderful to me.
I give whatever I can to help anyone going through a hard time. I really feel alive. I read a lot of articles on NPD and I have 2 books so far. I also have learned so much on this site. It has been a truly liberating experience.
My situation warrants NC and not the setting boundaries. There are no boundaries with NM except hers. There is no way except NM. There are no decisions except NM. Her thinking anyway. Trying to set boundaries with her is like setting boundaries with Satan. I don't have to listen to her snides remarks, look at her crossed arms as she speaks to me like I am a nothing. I am going to Thanksgiving to wonderful and supportive friends who by the way have NM's too. Out of Town for Christmas and I am going to have a great time.
If I can offer hope to anyone it is to do what you feel is right for you. If NC is the way then do it. Whatever you do to keep or regain your sanity and happiness is up to you. they do not call the shots. You are the driver in your own life......Happy in Colorful Colorado
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| Alinka |
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Reply with quote | #28 |
Hi, Colorado,
I struggle between VLC, my current mo, and NC which is more and more appealing as time goes by.
Quote: as she speaks to me like I am a nothing
Oh, yes, as one who was called "garbage" and "it" by NP's I can relate to that.
As DerbyDawg said of her NMIL, my NM is in her late 70's and in good health. I am 50 and crave freedom from her. Yes, this could go on for many more years.
When you decided on NC did you let them know why? I am so tempted to write stating my case. Not asking for anything; just saying, "this is why". Wise counsel here has generally said confronting is not advised. I don't really want to confront, like in fight. But I am tempted to vent to her, thinking why do I have to carry all this pain while she continues, and continues, and continues in her blissful entitlement?
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| Hilary |
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Reply with quote | #29 |
Quote: Originally Posted by SUE
Hello Over My Head and Welcome,
I do empathize with your stressful relationship with your mother.
My mother is also a very negative person, she has been 'dying' for as long as I remember. Now when she tells me this I respond by saying 'Well, you're still here and you are now 95 !', I always respond the same way to her now..and it seems to be doing the trick as she knows to expect the same response from me whenever she brings up the 'death and dying' subject.
You are obviously a very competent person, and most probably highly regarded by your peers. It is so frustrating to be seen as incompetent by your mother..and I hope you can see that their is no truth at all in her misjudgement of your skills.
Your autistic son is unable to tolerate her negativity, this should tell you a great deal how toxic she is to his well being.
I used to hold a dream that my self-absorbed and negative mother would somehow be happy if she could move in with me and my family...that she would somehow start to act more normally in different surroundings. It was but a dream, because I now know that she will always be a negative person to be around...and everyone around her would be affected by her moods..and I had to protect myself and my family...never in a million years could I tolerate such a negative person in my home...mother or not.
Perhaps your work gives you a break from her, but is your son left alone with her when you are away...and does she speak to him in the same way? If the answer is yes, I think you will need to face the facts that your son is going to become far more stressed and affected by your mother's 'vibes'.
You say you are 60, and your mother is 85....looking ahead another 10 years when you have retired from work..and perhaps your son/s are still living at home...could you cope with the situation and still be mothering your family..or would you prefer to spend some time doing things just for you? I hope you will start planning now for a happy and fulfilling retirement.
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| SUE |
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Reply with quote | #30 |
Hello Hilary,
I am not sure why you have quoted this old post of mine, perhaps you hoped Hello Over My Head would see it and respond - or did you intend to comment on what I had written? Just puzzled and a little embarrased to have my post here at the top of the page again !!!
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