| Patty |
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Reply with quote | #1 |
Hey All, well you were all right. MIL has been away for less than 2 months and hubby went to see her yesterday adn she wants to come back. She says only for a few days, says she feels like shes in prison at hubby's sisters house cause his sister makes her get up to go to the bathroom, clean up her own messes and come to the kitchen to smoke and eat. When she is here she wont get out of her chair and is the nastiest person I ever met. She will poop and pee on herself and never even try to get to the bathroom. She is still trying to control hubby even from his sister's house. She still rings his phone at all hours and wants to know why we do this or that etc.. Hubby dont want her to come back but he cant seem to put his foot down!!! He makes me so mad!! he is going to pick her up sunday and bring her here. He says she says its only for a few days and I told him that he already knows better. He said oh well she will just be sitting here all day by herself!!!! I told him if he lets her just move back in then I am moving out!!! No questions!! I cant handle her rudeness and nastyness! He said please dont do this, and I told him I said please dont YOU do this!! For some reason he can not tell that woman NO to save his life or his marriage!!!! What do I do? We talked about this long and hard yesterday and he keeps saying she wont stay long. I know his mom and I know the games she plays cause she has played them on me many times. And I know she isnt going to want to leave because hubby just lets her do like she wants. So I told him he needs to think about this cause there wont be anymore sitting on the couch to watch a movie (his mom hates tv and fusses if we cut it on!!) There wont be anymore cooked meals from me. Our dogs once again will have to stay in our bedroom because she hates OUR dogs but yet hers can poop and pee all over the house and she will just sit there with a cigarette and tell us to clean it up when we come inside or out of the bedroom!! I told him he would have to be the one cooking again, washing dishes again, taking care of her again, cleaning up her dogs messes and dealing with her. CAUSE I REFUSE I WILL NOT DO IT!! Any advice would be appreciated. Am I being selfish or am I wrong? I am going back to work on Monday with my Day job away from the house cause I told hubby I WILL NOT be here with her all day to take her abuse. His sister made her get out of that wheelchair and use her walker again. when she was here we had to pick her up to do anything with her cause she said she couldnt use her legs anymore. She got to hubby's sisters and she told MIL if she wanted a cigarette she had to get up and walk to the kitchen to smoke!! And low and behold she gets up and goes to the kitchen to smoke and eat. Here we had to bring her everything to eat, drink etc. right to her chair. And she does that when she spends the weekend and hubby jumps at her every command. Nothing will change she will be the same as she was before she left, pooping and peeing all over the place, wanting to be waited on, burning more holes in the floor and furniture, I just want to cry!! Things have been so good with her gone, no arguemnts etc. |
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| NGA |
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Reply with quote | #2 |
Patty,
It is time to make your house another PRISON. Do it now. If she wants to come back the RULES at YOUR HOME must be exactly the same as at SIL's. You can not waffle about this.
SIL has RULES and evidently MIL is physically able to abide by those RULES.
Your hubby has been taken for a ride,in a not so amusing park, by a person who is literally crapping all over him and his life. She LITERALLY shows him that she thinks so little of him that she wants to turn his life back into her personal toilet. Yes, this is it in a nutshell.
"shes in prison at hubby's sisters house cause his sister makes her get up to go to the bathroom, clean up her own messes and come to the kitchen to smoke and eat. "
My suggestion is to get rid of all her pooped up stuff and replace it with new stuff and post SIL's RULES.
Tell Hubby that before MIL is ever allowed to visit at your home even for one day, you are both are going to OBSERVE her at SIL's house to see this miracle of self-control for yourselves and to see how MIL operates there, so you can duplicate an environment that ENABLES MIL to be independent and sanitary.
Don't waste one minute on ultimatums with your husband. He has been conditioned to respond to MIL like a trained seal. This is not meant as insult as I am one too, so I know about this.
Please don't pit him against his mother as you won't win, sorry to say she has been his keeper for too long. He just needs quantity and quality time away from her to figure out that there is another way to live. Give your husband the opportunity to talk to his SIL in order to find out how she enforces the rules. Make sure SIL knows that you and hubby are on the same clean team. You might be surprised at what you learn. SIL may be blaming you for encouraging MIL's slovenly ways, because MIL set it up that way.
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| goodwillgal |
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Reply with quote | #3 |
Patty
good for you for putting your foot down, and letting Bruce know you will NOT lift a finger to assist with nasty MIL's care. period.
remind Bruce of your wedding vows, 'to love, honor & cherish' . !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
get a news paper, and leave it open with the page of appartments for rent in plain view. even circle some in RED.!! let Bruce know you mean what you say, you will leave if nasty MIL returns. if she can get up at her daughter's to smoke & use the bathroom,,, that REALLY means she messes herself on purpose   . now that is totally disgusting.
she basically wants to be at YOUR home so she does not have to get up to use the bathroom. easier for her to have Bruce clean up.
tell Bruce you are moving out untill the STINK is gone.
blessings for your happiness
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| pq |
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Reply with quote | #4 |
Oh Patty no!
You are NOT being unreasonable. Honestly, I don't think either spouse has the right to unilaterally decided "my parent is coming to live with us," even a nice loving parent. This is your home and your life, too, and basically his giving in to Mom sends the message that her happiness (if you can call it that in a person who seems so miserable) is more important than yours AND his AND your marriage. Now, from what you've said, I feel bad for him because she has made him this way, afraid to stand up against her for any reason, BUT he needs to understand what the consequences of that are.
Have you guys spoken to a counselor? Sometimes it's easier to hear an unpleasant truth from a disinterested third party, and your husband definitely needs to hear those unpleasant truths.
And here's an important point: it sounds like your SIL's house is actually a healthier environment for Mom because SIL forces her to get up and do things for herself. Sure, Mom hates it, but we all know that it is much healthier for Mom to NOT sit in a chair, soiling herself all day. Has husband thought of this?
Boy, I just don't know what else to even say. I'm so sorry that this nightmare is trying to revisit you again.
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| Patty |
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Reply with quote | #5 |
Hey ya'll,
Hubby says weare going to enforce rules here and he says that he knows she is going to put up a big fuss about it.But he said hes gotten used to it being clean and not smelling like a nursing home here and cant go back to the way it was. He said he is going to tell her that when she gets here sunday and hes going to try to talk her into going back to his sisters that afternoon and not even spend the nite here just visit for the day. Which her visits consist of nothing but her sitting in that chair barking orders and Bruce and myself hiding out either outside or in the bedroom watching tv. Its not a visit thats for sure!!
He says he dont want her back here that he cant deal with her again but he says if he just flat out tells her no then she lays this heavy duty guilt trip on him about not keeping his promise to his dying dad and he says she makes him feel like nothing when she dont get her way. He says hes ready for her to go on to be with his dad. He says hes not trying to be mean but that hes just tired of dealing with her period. He still has to call her everyday and if he dont she calls him and tells him he has forgotten about her and she knows he hates her and blah blahblah!!
What gets me is how easy he gives in to her!!! It drives me nuts, but I dont like the woman anyway. She made me this way. I tried hard with her and she has pushed me away so many times,and told me how much she wished Bruce had married his Xgf and not me and just plain out tries and does hurt my feelings. I cant stand to be around her at all!! When she comes over for her "visits" I stay in the bedroom or outside with my horse. I cant deal with her period. I know its hard on Bruce to have me say some of the things I do about his mom because she is his mom. But Im to the point I dont care anymore I just dont want to deal with her.
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| goodwillgal |
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Reply with quote | #6 |
Patty
hes going to try to talk her into going back to his sisters that afternoon and not even spend the nite here just visit for the day
Bruce cannot TRY to tell his nasty mother anything.
wont work. period.
he HAS to lay down the law of HIS home to her. he has to say it to her in NO uncertain terms. & he can begin with if she can do it as her daughter's home, she can do it in HIS home.
he should do this at his sister's, B4 she comes to 'visit'.
the first time she uses the bathroom on her own, and leaves her nastiness behind as revenge on Bruce's new rulz,,,, she has to leave. !!
as far as Bruce honoring his father's wishes that he care for his nasty mother..... she is making it impossible for him to adhere to his father's request. and that is a perfect comback for Bruce next time she starts laying on the guilt.
blessings for peace in YOUR home.
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| Patty |
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Reply with quote | #7 |
thank you, that is an awesome idea I will tell Bruce this and we will sit down with her on Sunday and tell her before she even gets in the car. She may change her mind about coming over!! I WOULD LOVE THAT!!!
Bruce says he knows he has to put his foot down but says its just so hard with her being such a hateful and rude person. She thrives on hurting feelings and Bruce gets his feelings hurt easily.
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| OhDear |
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Reply with quote | #8 |
Bruce can tell her THE RULES at SIL house with you and SIL there with him to back him up. I'm sure SIL will be glad to help you because it will give her a break.
"If you can't get to the bathroom you need more care than we can provide
and we will find a nursing home for you."
"If you 'cant use your legs' you need more care than we can provide
and we will find a nursing home for you."
"If you can't do X you need more care than we can provide
and we will find a nursing home for you."
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| OhDear |
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Reply with quote | #9 |
Pack a bag and leave it out where Bruce can see it. Find a place to go at short notice. You have to train Bruce if he puts up with MIL he can do it ALONE.
You two are doing SO WELL together, without Toxic Evil Incarnate MIL around. I'm thinking of you telling him you'll live elsewhere not in a 'the marriage is over', but in a 'Timewarp - Bruce needs to remember how it used to be' shock treatment.
A dramatic one day it's just the two of you living like grownups making your own decisions in a CLEAN sweet smelling house, the next day it's Bruce ALONE with MIL crapping on everything, barking orders at him, the house reeks of fecal matter and urine, he doesn't have 5 seconds to himself, no matter what he does MIL tells him he's doing it wrong, on and on and on and on.
He can decide after a day or two of MIL which life he prefers.
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| angst |
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Reply with quote | #10 |
Bruce made a promise to his dad to care for his mother.
Bruce needs to follow his sisters example. That is TRUE caring for his mother - keeping her active, healthy, and able to care for herself. Keeping her functioning at as normal a level as possible.
Catering to her like he has in the past was enabling her to self-destruct and take take him and you along with her. I'm sure this is not what his dad had in mind. Her personality demands "tough love". She is like a spoiled, wayward, evil child.
You both realize that having her in the home with you is toxic to your relationship and to both of your well-being. You have to limit your exposure to this toxicity.
When you tell the new rules, also tell her how long her visits can be. "We love to see you Mom, and are happy to take you for the day. However, Overnight visits are out of the question." I dare you!!! smile.
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| dnp205 |
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Reply with quote | #11 |
Patty,
I'm not sure if you read Mike's posting about Toxic Parents (or in your case in-laws), but it would be good for both you and hubby to take a look at it. People on this posting, too, have been giving great ideas and comments. Definitely steel your resolve, make a plan together (you and hubby and SIL), and stick to it for dear life! Also, you might tell hubby that you're sure this torture is not what his father intended or envisioned for his son and his son's family.
Stay strong!
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| Eilene |
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Reply with quote | #12 |
Hi Patty,
When I first read your new posting, my first reaction was:
"Are you crazy?" But as I mellowed out a bit, I realized I was being a bit harsh....I think!!! Given the history of your MIL, I think it is important for her to be able to visit, but she must know the rules before entering YOUR home. In addition, I really believe she needs to know what the exit date will be....For me, thats the only way I would let that woman into my home again...sorry if that's a bit strong, but you have already been through so much...Take care of yourself
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| billie jo |
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Reply with quote | #13 |
patty, everyone here has given you excellent advice. i have to say that sil deserves a medal for her work in getting mom to toe the line. if bruce deviates from her rules one bit, it would be showing a complete disrespect for all of sil's hard work to her to this point. ask sil to write out exactly what she did and said to make these changes and give it to bruce to follow. if mom starts hollering or denying what she is able to do, he will have it in her own daughter's writing to show her. also, it is imperative that she not be allowed to smoke in that dam# chair. elders are known to doze off and start fires. no way. keep her smokes out her reach and when she is where you want her, only then does she get one. i also suggest get rid of her nasty old furniture and do the house in your tastes, if you can't afford it now, pick up something nice on craig's list, but make your house your house. she will not feel as comfortable or entitled if she is not surrounded by all old stuff. make her feel like a visitor. and let it be known that it is NOT alright to ruin YOUR stuff!
i really like the idea of the list of limitations. if she can't do this or that for herself, it is time for professional help. bruce has to understand that he is honoring his father's wishes by making sure she is safe and healthy as can be. i don't think any of our loved ones who ask for that kind of a promise project far enough into the future to include the bodily disfunctions. also, have a package of depends in her size on hand. let her know that if she messes even once, she will be wearing them everytime she comes to visit.
and DO NOT allow her to dis your sil one time, not one nasty or negative word allowed. she really deserves a medal! and if you and bruce want to watch a show on tv turn it on and watch. if she starts to grouse and complain, just tell her shhhh! we can't hear the show, we will talk when it's over. if she continues tell her it sounds like she was happier at sil's house and you will get ready and drive her back. bruce has got to get a backbone and stick with the script. it won't take too long for her to get the idea that you mean business. one or two trips returning her before her time is up should start to sink in. the three of you, you, bruce and sil have to be on the same page at all times, even if it is a bit inconvenient at first. i don't remember if your mil uses a walker, but if not, have one on hand in case she uses the excuse that her legs don't work or are feeling to weak to walk.
also, talk to sil in law and have her have a tough love talk with bruce about boundaries. he cannot be wishy washy on this, she deserves support and he needs to man up and give it to her. sorry, this turned into a rant. watch a couple of episodes of super nanny and use the same techniques with mom. consistency and consequenses! good luck. the nursing home is her next stop! it is her choice.
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| goodwillgal |
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Reply with quote | #14 |
Patty
tell Bruce his mother is not coming for a visit with him cause she misses him...... she only wants to come to your house so she can poop & pee in her pants, have Bruce clean her up & wait on her hand & foot.
and i would have the TV on the whole time she is there, even if no one else is in the room with her. just say, YOU want it on for background noise.
blessings for doing what YOU want in YOUR house
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| Lynn from Oz |
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Reply with quote | #15 |
Dear Patty,
I initially thought NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Make sure MIL only have a small bag packed with 2 days worth of clothes. DO NOT move all her stuff back. I agree with everyone - TOUGH LOVE!
SIL has done a good job with her and it is actually better for MIL's health.
regards
lynn
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