| Patty |
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Reply with quote | #16 |
Thank you all for your advice will put it to use. We dont mind helping his sister. The only reason bruce's sister took their mom is she said she was going to take her check each month. Bruce never asked his mom for anything ever. He even bought her cigarettes. We went on vacation in August and his mom was staying with her niece. His mom called us sometimes two or three times a day wanting us to go to the store and get her cigarettes or juice or something. We bought her a carton of cigarettes and all the things she mite want to drink. She still called and wanted something. Even got Bruce to find a bank and get her $300 of her money. We took it to her within 2 hrs she was calling wanting us to drive 40 minutes one way to go to the store and get her something. Bruce told her she should ask her neices husband to go to the store and get it and she said she didnt want to bother him but because she is Bruce's mom that he should do it. Needless to say we didnt have a good vacation at all and his sister said she would take her in IF she could have the check or either MIL was going in a nursing home. Because Bruce had already gotten fed up with dealing with her. So every weekend we have MIL to give his sister a break. (Which is something she would NEVER do for me and Bruce) the thing is now MIL dont want just the weekends anymore. She told Bruce at lunchtime today that she wanted to come stay the week. Bruce explained to her that we would be working all week and she said thats ok you can clean up after me when you and Patty get home!!!!!! Bruce told her we would have to talk about house rules before she came here this sunday and she said ok but Im still your mother!!!!! I broke down and cried when Bruce told me about this conversation. He told me not to worry that things would be different and he was going to try to get her to visit just for the day and not stay the night. But yet he turned right around and said he needed to put clean sheets on her bed!! I swear I feel like Im losing my mind!!!! |
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| OhDear |
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Reply with quote | #17 |
This is the camel's nose under the tent!!!!!!!!
Bruce is starting to cave- you know what is going to happen..........
Arrange to have a taxi come at a certain time at the end of the day to take MIL back to SIL's house. Carry her and the chair out to the curb to get her into the taxi if necessary!
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| 'daughter'(beth) |
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Reply with quote | #18 |
Patty - UGH! that is all I can say.Ugh.
well I can say one more thing. I think your SIL has the right idea. She does not become slave to your MIL, she makes her do stuff that she still can. She stated up front, "I want the check" and to me, that is FAIR. If you are going to be the 24/7 caregiver, you better get paid for it, especially if the MIL has the money, even if it is piddly social security. (provided SIL provides proper care for your MIL).
It is nice of Bruce (and you) to say that it is okay if MIL comes to visit for a weekend, but seriously, you can "lay down the law" just as easily as SIL can. You can say "No check, so no visits from MIL" I mean - it goes both ways, you know?
The problem is - Bruce. He will just keep caving. That is not good. BRUCE! Stop that.
!!!!!!
LAY DOWN THE LAW, and I do mean, lay it down. New rules - no more visits from MIL (his mom) -- because SIL is now the caregiver.
If SIL needs a break from time to time - totally understandable -- then funds from MIL are used to pay for babysitter.
You guys can have your own boundaries and rules and laws too. It's allowed.
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| lynn#1 |
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Reply with quote | #19 |
Patty,
I am so sorry for what your MIL is putting you through! She just sounds like a mean spirited....spoiled brat. I doubt if your husbands father would want him to put up with horrible behavior like that! Making sure she is taken care of, and safe is one thing but having to put up with her abuse is another. I hope he can be strong and stand up to her...it has to make him feel horrible, knowing he is letting her manipulate him like that. I'm like you, I'd be worried by the way things sound....he's going to let her stay overnight... then if she stays overnight...she'll work things to stay longer. She seems to do as children do.....give her an inch...she'll take a Mile! If his sister is willing to keep taking care of her....I'd try to see to it, it stays that way if possilble. I sure hope things turn out well, if she comes to visit you that she will return to his sisters. Why does she need to come? it probably would be easier if your husband went there to visit her, stay a few hours...and come home.
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| Olivia |
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Reply with quote | #20 |
Hi Patty,
I suggest this: pack your overnight bags, and tell Bruce you are going to stay in a hotel this weekend. If your MIL is there on Monday night, you will be moving to an apartment.
Enjoy your weekend. Go to a movie. Go out to dinner and treat yourself after work. Call up a couple of girlfriends and go visit with them. Do not call Bruce. Do not return his calls. Let him know you are 'gone' for those two days, and unavailable.
He walks on you by abusing your feelings. Response: You walk on him. I guarantee he will be singing a new tune come Monday. Your boundaries worked before. Set them again. In stone.
O.
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| Dustygirl01 |
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Reply with quote | #21 |
I must say, I'm impressed with the SIL's boundaries and how she deals with the mother. Bruce needs to take a lesson from his sister.
Wow, you've had a taste of freedom and what it's like without the horrible MIL and now she wants to come back!!!! UGH...NO. I think if Bruce tries to lay down the laws, she's really going to put up a fight. If Bruce caves, will you be willing to enforce the rules?
Above all, don't let her used that old manipulative low-down line that Bruce promised his father on his deathbed that he'd take care of her. No one should have to put up with what you have.
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| Sparkle |
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Reply with quote | #22 |
I just cannot see this happening again. And like the little child that visits the non-custodial parent, she will probably have it in her mind to go back to her old ways just because she can--and she can get away with it. I remember your story well, and it was a living nightmare. I just don't see you going back to that, and why should you when there is another alternative? The sister knows somewhat how to control her and lay down the law, and Bruce clearly does not. All the work and mess will be on you again (literally) and it's just not right. I'm with Olivia on this one!
Let us know how it goes, bless your heart! Huge Hugs-Sparkle
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| goodwillgal |
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Reply with quote | #23 |
Patty
while it is a good idea to 'lay down the new laws' to nasty MIL, the new rulz will not change her behavior at your & Bruce's home. what nasty MIL wants is to get away from the rulz. she wants to go back to being 'queen' of the roost. she can agree to the new rulz all she wants, she knows there is NO way Bruce can enforce them. what is going to happen when she has an 'accident' ??? and poops & pees in her pants ??? after all she is just an old lady who cannot always control her eliminations, the only thing she can control is Bruce.
i think Olivia had an excellant suggestion, pack a bag & leave whenever nasty MIL is there. tell Bruce you do NOT deserve to hear her nasty remarks about you, nor do you deserve to have to smell her stench, nor do you deserve to have her turn your home / santuary into a toilet.
nasty MIL is only following SIL's rulz because it was either get with the program or NH, and she probably knows SIL's boundaries, she also knows Bruce's lack of boundaries.
Bruce promised his father to take care of his nasty mother, he also promised to LOVE, HONOR & CHERISH YOU.
blessings for standing firm on your boundaries
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| Patty |
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Reply with quote | #24 |
Bruce has to go over and see his mom at least once every other day. If he dont she makes life a living you know what by calling his phone every 15 minutes and telling him he has forgotten about her and he dont love her no more etc. Bruce tells me he dont even want to go see her because all she does is complain. Nothing ever nice comes out of her mouth. I have been once to see her in 6 wks and I wont go see her unless me and Bruce are together and he stops by to make her quit calling his phone. She is the one calling wanting to come over all the time and it also gives his sister a break on the weekends. She says shes in prison over there and wants to come here for a day or two and now shes already mentioned a wk. Im shaking in my shoes cause I know I cant put up with her for more than a day or two and thats pushing it then!! She hates me and has no problem saying so right to my face. But will turn right around and tell me to bring her something to eat or drink or tell me she didnt make it to the toliet that its all in the floor in the bathroom and I need to clean it up!! which of course she walks thru and spreads all over the house then refuses to wash her nasty feet!!! Bruce told me last night that hes not going to put up with her again, but I will believe that when I see it you know. He's so wishy washy with her. If he allows her to spend the night then Im going to go somewhere, Im not going to stay here, I cant. |
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| NGA |
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Reply with quote | #25 |
Patty,
Your MIL's behavior sounds very familiar to me and her exaggerated claims do too. Have you read anything about Narcissist and/or borderline behavior?
You could Google Narcissistic and Borderline Mothers so you could read the characteristics and get a better idea of who you are dealing with and how this works. I am saying this because it might help you to explain things to Bruce.
Sometimes the mother manipulated don't know why they JUMP when they are told to. Once they understand they can more easily stop responding to their mothers' commands.
It seems like it would be simple to tell your mother "No", but it is not, if you have be trained your whole life to say "Yes." It took me almost 57 years before I got to "No."
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| goodwillgal |
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Reply with quote | #26 |
Patty
by Bruce stopping by so much to visit her, she is keeping him tied to her miserable apron strings. can he change his cell phone # and not let her have it. ? or some phones let you give a special ring for a specific phone #. then he can just ignore the call, that is the only thing that will give her the message that he is learning some boundaries.
once she is in your home she can just refuse to leave. when i removed my 'N'mother from my home to her golden child's house, she asked if she could come for a visit. they went to their shore house every weekend, and she wanted to be dropped off on a Sunday on their return,,,, i said 'NO'.period.!!! cause i knew,,,, she was thinking once back in my home, she would just refuse to leave, and i would be stuck with the abuse again.
nasty MIL knows she still has a good hold on Bruce, and once in , she WILL have her way.
you should talk to Bruce again about removing her poop & pee soaked chair . when she sees that gone, she will start thinking Bruce is beginning to take charge of his own life,,,, finally. and may tread a bit more softly in your home. as long as she is coming over & the house is STILL as she wants it to suit her,,,, she will never change whilst she is there.
blessings for positive changes to come
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| angst |
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Reply with quote | #27 |
Someone needs to sit down with MILs doctor and discuss every aspect of her behavior. That lady needs to be on some serious medications. Hopefully ones that make her catatonic. |
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| so what? |
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Reply with quote | #28 |
so what if she leaves a ton of messages on his phone?
so?
he does not have to go running over there. She will live anyways.
He can visit her once a week. Once every 2 weeks. For petes sake.
so what if she says "you don't love me, you want to forget about me." ? that is manipulation. pure and simple.
she can leave all the dumb messages she wants to. change the phone #. something!
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| Eilene |
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Reply with quote | #29 |
So What....I'm with you. This woman has truly learned the art of manipulation, and it works beautifully on Bruce. Patty, I'm really concerned about you. I agree, let her call...and call and call. It's Bruce that has the problem with his mother. I agree that the mom needs to have a health checkup...after that, decisions need to be made, but living in your home isn't one of them. |
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| E-nuff4me |
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Reply with quote | #30 |
Hi Patty
I am sorry that you are still going though these dramas with Bruce's mother but in some ways I can identify with both you and Bruce..
I think for Bruce to be able to set some boundaries it going to take some distance from his mom and unfortunately there is not much distance if she is calling him numerous times a day and staying the weekends. She is keeping herself 'front and center' so no wonder he is having a difficult time separating himself from her. When I was going going through a similar 'head take-over' I couldn't even function and had to go for counseling just to get my own thoughts back.
I know when I was starting to set boundaries it was very difficult and completely out of what I thought my character and I had to get to the point that I had no other option. I don't know if Bruce is at this point yet but he is questioning and I'm sure he was glad of the reprieve when his mother was staying with the SIL so maybe he is ready.
I think the other posters have giving you some things to consider and I too think that getting away would be a good idea as the negativity from Bruce's mother's anger and resentment will make you ill if she returns to live with you. Your home is your sanctuary not a 'dungeon of horrors.'
It does sound like you already know what you have to do.
Take care
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