| angst |
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Reply with quote | #46 |
Since you will be unable to eat and probably lying in bed hurting like hell, tell Bruce to go to his sisters for Thanksgiving dinner with his mother. The doctor has ordered you to avoid stressful situations, so NO MIL. |
| | | Patty |
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Reply with quote | #47 |
Well I passed all this on to Bruce and guess what??? MIL is here for the weekend!!!
She isnt speaking to me and I spoke to her and she just threw up her hand so Im done trying with her this weekend!! Im staying in the bedroom or outside as much as possible. Im not helping him with her at all Im just not. I know some of you think Im mean and should stand by my man, but I have already been down that road and now I have to have surgery from all the stress she has brought on so Im not dealing with her.
It seems to me anymore that it dont matter what i say Bruce is gonna do what he wants when it comes to his precious evil mom!!
I mean hes outside now making another paddock for my horse and making me a new compost box etc. But that dont help the fact that he lets his mom run all over me and jumps at her every command. I hate this crap
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| | | Patty |
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Reply with quote | #48 |
As for the holidays, his mom wants to come over here even if we only have sandwiches!!! She wants to stay that weekend. She wants to come on Wednesday and stay till sunday!! And she refuses to take NO for an answer and Bruce refuses to tell her she cant!! |
| | | OhDear |
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Reply with quote | #49 |
Feed her crappy food and/or food she HATES.
If she likes quiet put the TV on full blast on things she hates.
If she likes TV or music on make the house as silent as the tomb.
If she likes it warm open the windows!
"the house REEKS of POOP, I can't breathe it's makes me want to throw up and that's not good for my stomach, I need lots of fresh (and cold!) air in here!"
Ask Bruce if he's considered breaking his leg so he can't do anything for MIL and you absolutely refuse so she can't come over..........
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| | | OhDear |
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Reply with quote | #50 |
>I know some of you think Im mean and should stand by my man, but I have already been down that road and now I have to have surgery from all the stress she has brought on so Im not dealing with her.
After what you have been through with that Vile Pooping Toad, there is no way ever I would say you should stand by Spineless Bruce who can't say no to mommy.
>hes outside now making another paddock for my horse and making me a new compost box etc. But that dont help the fact that he lets his mom run all over me and jumps at her every command.
Stash the Pooping Fiend in the stable and move the horse into the house, I think the horse is much easier to clean up after!
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| | | gracenotes |
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Reply with quote | #51 |
Patty,
Only you can decide when enough is enough. For me, I would have been long gone from the situation months ago.
Goodwillgal made a really good point: Loving Moms want their sons to have a lifemate. And, may I also add, because I really do have a loving mom, loving moms want their sons and daughters to have a life. There is just not much evidence of healthy elder parents around this site, so I think it is important to understand that healthy elder parents really really want their offspring to spread their wings, have their own lives, live whereever they want to live in the world, be who they are, have flourishing careers and loving relationships. Healthy elder parents do not chain themselves to their offspring and do not demamd that their sons be mama's boys and girls, and ask them to make everything and everyone else in their lives second, or, maybe I should add, more correctly, third place, since you have stated that his sons are second place in his life, behind you.
This may be an unpopular comment, but I think Bruce is in serous need of counseling and is really being emotionally neglectful and abusive to you. And, he made his choice his weekend. He decided that the sick needs of his mother are more important than you, your physical and emotional health, and what you are asking for in this relationship. His actions are uncaring towards you and do nothing expect contribute to worsening your physical and emotional condition of now.
But, in essence, you cannot change Bruce, you can only change what you are going to do about this situation. Maybe it is time to give up on that idea and decide what YOU are going to go about your life and your health. The way I see it, you have two choices:
1) Learn to put up with this situation, embrace it, accept it, accept the fact that your husband is a perpetual mama's boy, you are last place in his concerns, and learn to live in it.
2) Make the decision that this situation is just so out of sync with what you want in life and your vision of what live can be and leave this situation.
There are two situations. I just do not think there are any other soluations. With all of your good efforts, has anything really changed? Has Bruce made any real commitment to changing his life, stepping up to plate and being a husband, going to counseling to work on these really deep seated emotional issues and expressed his deep commitment to the marriage? Or is it all about mama being depressed, and getting drunk or whatever. I think you know the answer to that. I just do not see any long-term change happening here. In fact, things are sliding right back to the ground level, and I would not be surprised if MIL moved back in for good in the next few weeks.
Patty, I really think this good intended game of "trying to change Bruce" is really heading nowhere fast. I really think you need to examine your ideas of what you want in a relationship, whether you think you can live without a relationship, whether being in this relationship is worse than being without a relationship, whether you think you can find someone who will love you. Tough questions for anyone, surely for me. But, now the focus has to be on you and how you are going to deal with the realities of this weekend, your physical illnesses and your emotional state of mind. This weekend looks like a prison to me.
Its just that one can stand and stand their ground, and God knows you have really a good job of this, but, in this situation, is it really making any difference? Maybe standing your ground is more about empowering yourself right now and declaring that you need a safe, quiet place to live where you can heal from your physical problems and stress levels. Honestly, the ways things are could be deadly to you, considering your high blood presure. I repeat, deadly, and if not physically deadly, then deadly to your spirit.
And, finally, are you a healthier happier person now because you are married and in this relationship with this man, or were you a happier healtheir person before you were in this relationships? Maybe healtheir and happier are not the right words. Maybe its more about being in control of your life. I just know, for me, there is nothing worse than feeling trapped in a bad relationship. I would, personally, rather be on my own.
I am really really concerned about all things you have said about your physical health, whether it is the problems now, and/or your high blood pressure of the past. And, this weekend is not going to help thing at all, and Thanksgiving weekend is coming up fast.
In many ways, this relationship is emotionally abusive and highly neglectful of you. Do you really really get this???? I cannot imagine you feel safe in your own home.
I think you need to get past this idea that Bruce is going to change in any significant way, take control of your life and make one of the two decisions above. These are really the only two decisions you have at this time. Either learn to put up with this or get out Dodge now, find a safe place to heal. This living situation is disgusting, unhealthy, demeaning to you, causing your severe physical and emotional distress and reeks of being neglectful of your needs and abusive.
Peace.
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| | | angst |
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Reply with quote | #52 |
Gracenotes,
Well spoken. Patty, take what Gracenotes has written to heart. It is the truth, spoken from the heart. Only you have the power to change this situation.
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| | | Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #53 |
I'm so sorry things seem to be backsliding to the same old abusive 'mama household,' Patty. Had my fingers crossed for you, but when you posted that after mama moved to sister's ... Bruce wouldn't let you claim your own home ... that he insisted that all mama's stuff, biohazards and all, be left exactly 'as is' just in case his all-important mama wanted to return ... well, I pretty much knew right then and there that mama would indeed be returning and probably soon. At which point I would have left for good, but that's just me. Any husband who would require that his abusive mother's urine-and-feces-soaked chair be a permanent fixture in our living room would shortly be an EX-husband if he had married me. I think you had done an admirable job of "standing by your man," but I think you perhaps need to give a little more thought to "standing by yourself."
Will hope for the best for you -- at least find somewhere sanitary and quiet to recover from your surgery! Somehow, somewhere. In the short run, that's the most important issue. Maybe tell SIL that if poop-and-pee-spewing mama is going to be in your home while your surgical incisions are healing and your immune system is compromised that you will have to move in to her house. Because the Hazmat zone that is her and Bruce's mother cannot be in the same location as someone recovering from surgery. Perhaps give everyone a handout on post-surgical infections. With pictures. |
| | | Sparkle |
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Reply with quote | #54 |
Oh Dear: I am holding my sides in laughter at you saying bring the horse in the house, and put MIL in the barn.  I LOVE THAT IDEA! Best advice that anyone has given yet!!!!!!
Gracenotes: What a well thought-out post, and so true!
Patty: I think the others are right. This sounds like a losing battle, and if your husband does not understand that your health comes first, then his priorities are wrong, wrong, wrong. 
I don't think anyone thinks you should stand by your man, unless it's to hit him over the head with a sledge hammer. Honestly, this could lead me to violence, and I'm NOT a violent person.
Use Bruce's credit card and get a room! Save yourself before it's too late!
Prayers and Hugs-Sparkle
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| | | kolleen |
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Reply with quote | #55 |
Hi Patty,
You know, I am all for giving the benefit of the doubt.
HOWEVER, in your case, it is way too late.
I can't believe you're even living with Bruce again, and in these same circumstances, yet.
There is one choice, or another.
1. Continue to put up with it
2. Change it.
Until you decide, it just will go on and on and on and on and on..........
He isn't changing, and neither is she.
SO......it's up to you.
DO it, or don't do it.
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| | | sierraseven |
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Reply with quote | #56 |
Patty, first, you are NOT a monster, you are NOT selfish and mean. You are a person who wants a completely reasonable thing: not to have a hostile, fake-incontinent, woman staying overnight in YOUR home.
You need to put away some money, even a few dollars at a time, of your own.
I notice that you say your husband does do good things for you when his Mommie Dearest is not around - I know you are angry at him, but maybe (in the spirit of carrot vs stick) when he does something nice for you, be extra grateful and tell him how much you appreciate it. And when he caters to Mommie, disengage - walk away, don't get in an argument.
You just CAN'T have that woman in your house while you are recovering from surgery. As to the stinky chair, I say take it out in the driveway, douse it with lighter fluid, and burn it. |
| | | OhDear |
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Reply with quote | #57 |
Shovel up the horse manure,
THEN whack a few people in the vicinity upside the head with the loaded shovel!
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| | | Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #58 |
Hi Patty, this is in no way a repudiation of what I've said about looking out for your own survival. It is critical that you do so. But I do feel hypocritical about offering so little sympathy or understanding for Bruce in my recent post. As someone who has allowed herself to be trapped into continuing unhealthy contact with a destructive mother of my own, however less devastating and unreasonable than Bruce's relationship, I feel I must say that my heart is breaking for your damaged husband. What a tragedy it is that he has allowed himself to be destroyed by his misplaced idea of what love and loyalty to an elderly parent must entail. As long as his mother is decently cared for in her old age ... he is under no further obligation, especially given her behavior and present care needs. What a happier and better life he could have had, and still could have, if he would only choose to emerge from the darkness and misery that he has lived in for so long. That was my hope for you both.
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| | | NGA |
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Reply with quote | #59 |
"Kids are like dogs, if you knock them around enough, they think they deserve it." Sawyer, 1st season Lost
Bruce isn't so much a momma's boy as he is her dog, he is brainwashed to believe that he deserves to live in momma's kennel. At least that is the way I see it, but it is only because three years ago the realization that my needs and wants were as important as my mother's, before that it was 'whatever momma wants, momma gets.'
Bruce needs an epiphany. Mine came when I dragged my sorry, raging with a UTI a$$ into the rehab so my mother could have cherry vanilla ice cream,which I softened to add walnuts, so that it would be as SHE requested. Was it? NAW. "The kind X (my sib) brought me was a lot better. There were too many cherries." There were other horrible things she had done days prior to this, but the ice cream on top of the pain of the UTI, gave me leave, if not to leave, but to begin to protect myself.
Bruce is like a dog in a yard surrounded by an electric fence, he appears to be a free agent, but he isn't.
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| | | Patty |
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Reply with quote | #60 |
i do see where you all are coming from on this. Im very upset right now, and have locked myself in the bedroom. She spent all day yesterday and now SHE decided she was going to stay again tonite!!! I told Bruce Im moving out!! He is extremely upset. I go for my endoscoping tomorrow am havent had solid food in a wk and I told him I WILL NOT COME HOME FROM THIS WITH HER HERE!! He says his sister will come get her tomorrow. And I said yea and she will say shes going to stay again and you will do just like tonite, not open your mouth!!! He had to get up and fix her dinner cause she wanted it NOW and she knows I cant have anything to eat except broth!!! Well right now Im downing a few beers, hey its liquid!! Im so tired of this!! Im going to see if my parents will come get me tomorrow after this test and I will just stay with them a nite or two. |
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