Dustygirl: I totally agree with your solution to your situation, and if my mom had said some of the things that your dad has said to you, there would never be a reconciliation. Granted, she has said some things that hurt badly, and acted in all the famous "N" ways, and never really gave me any nurturing, emotional support, or empathy, but she never crossed as many lines as your father has. I totally support your stand, and feel it is the only way for you to go on and live a good life.

You are so right, every situation is different, and we all have to do what is right for us. The great thing about my situation now is that I made it no contact for a year, and I was able to get that separation that I've never had from my mother. I started to realize how unnatural it was to be so emotionally tied up with her every action. Like I once said, it was difficult to know where she ended, and I began. (Not that I thought or acted like her, because I did manage to become a very different type of person.) But because her approval, her happiness, her opinion, her everything was so important to my life. I HAD to break free from those chains, and allow myself to declare independence, not just in a physical way, but in an emotional one. NEVER has the time been even remotely right before this to even consider seeing her. But now it is, and I have no real expectations...only to obey what I feel God is telling me to do at this point. Just one step at a time. I will not take on the false responsibility anymore. My husband told my brother a year ago, that if he took her out of the Assisted Living, he was on his own, because there was no need for that, and I could not go back to the way things were. And believe me, I will not.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Dustygirl)))))))))))))))) )))))))))

Please don't think for a moment that anyone thinks anything about you, except that you are wonderful, and you've done what you needed to to stay healthy and survive. And we want more than survival now, don't we? We want a life!!!!! Right?????

Your father was horrible to you, and my mother was none too kind either. Everyone of us has to walk our own path and do what is right for us, and please know that if this becomes too stressful because of any mistreatment, I will go right back to no contact. In some ways, it's my brother that I fear the most, as he is drinking heavily, and bitterly jealous of me, for no reason. He HATES me, and I've never done anything but love him. I want my husband there, so that he can not be alone with me, as my health can't take another confrontation with him, or anyone else for that matter.

I cannot tell you, (all of you) how much my desire to read this board, and read discussions about narcissism has made me understand so much, and see clearly the situation. Thank the Lord for this board, and for those of us that can support each other, as we walk this crazy journey. I now understand boundaries, and taking care of myself--not just others. My problem was that before this separation, there was no way out. No one would help or listen, and they would have let me die caring for her. No one (but my husband) cared what a toll this was taking on me. I could never have escaped alive, but for the no contact, and I know it was the right decision. Please know that even now, it will be limited contact, and with safe boundaries.

I know that when I read Jeanine's posts, I know I could NEVER do what she is doing, but we are all different, with different situations. The main thing is, we love and support each other. I love reading about Goodwillgal's limited contact (which is the only solution for her) and Prodigal's strategies, and Sue's struggles, etc. This is definitely not a "one size fits all" road trip, and we can all learn from the experiences of each other.

What you said about taking care of your boyfriend was so great. Even difficult things are not so bad when there's love and appreciation, instead of demands, and ungratefulness, and great expectations. You are doing everything right.

I feel so close to you especially, because we started our scenario at just about the same exact time. And both of our lives improved greatly from our no contact. It's just that I've nearly grieved myself to death, because I truly always loved my mother deeply. It's a different dynamic with your dad, and I understand totally.

Well, I still have not heard one word from my niece--no return phone calls, so I'm wondering if she even has the same number, and so far no email with "lots to report" that was promised on Saturday afternoon. LOL!

So nothing has happened yet. I have to talk with her first, and arrange a time when my brother is at work. I just hope that he won't take it out on her, if I go visit. But I have a right to.

I'll keep you all posted if I ever hear from my elusive niece.  I'm almost ready to strangle her for not getting in touch with me, but she may have a different number. When all else fails, there's MySpace.   Hopefully, she'll call or email me soon. She means well, and has 2 little ones to keep up with. I just thank God that she has been there for my mom in the last year.

Hugs To Everyone, and Peace For Doing What's Right For Us...Sparkle