| madalyn |
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Reply with quote | #1 |
my n mom has never been there for me, thru no surgeries, i've had many.thru nothing. i'm a doormat, the scapegoat. she has nothing to do with my children or grandchildren. now she needs back surgery, suddenly i'm expected to take her. i get no support from my husband if i'm stressed about this. my brothers have never once taken her for any surgery, its always been me. i just feel at the end of my rope. guilt that i need to step up to the plate and do this, anger that she hasnt given me the time of day...please help friends
madalyn
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| Dustygirl01 |
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Reply with quote | #2 |
Could you say, "Sorry, I'd like to help out, but I'm simply not available. Perhaps one of your sons can help out this time?" Easier said than done, I know. It seems like you really don't have a lot to lose, though, but will most likely be put through a lot of aggravation if you're stuck caring for her.
I always got assigned to help my father after any medical dramas...simply because I was "the daughter". I lived farther away from him than my brother did (my brother only lives 15 minutes away, maximum...I'm out of state). I'm a single parent as well, so I was trying to juggle work, my child, my life, my household, and also cater to my father. It was never enough. I gave up. Which just angered everyone even more. So I went no contact.
Wow, your mother wants nothing to do with your children or your grandchildren, or you unless it's to do something for her. Hhhmmmm...do you really owe this woman anything?
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| Splotchy |
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Reply with quote | #3 |
Madalyn,
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. It's bad enough that our mothers didn't take care of us when we were young, but now when they (and most everyone else in society) just expect us to drop everything and take care of them, it feels like torture.
I am wrestling with the exact same issues you are. I think some of us have been mistreated for so long, by so many, that we really don't know how to protect ourselves.
It's very hard to love yourself when no one around you supports you. Love yourself anyway. If it's too difficult to be there with your mother, find a way to make sure your moms needs are met without you. You can be a good daughter even if you are not there. It's not right to allow yourself to be abused, just so that her needs will get met. Protect yourself, even if you are the only person doing it. You are worth protecting.
I have to go now, but please know that I care.
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| treated like a kid |
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Reply with quote | #4 |
Hi Madalyn,
I understand your pain, as I go through this all the time with my grandma. Wish I had some answers for you, but I know this is a difficult situation. First thing you probably should ask yourself is what does your health enable you to do for her? If you are not capable of being there, your not obligated. Your health comes first.
I know the feeling of doing, doing, doing and never getting anything in return. Not that I expect a lot in return, but healthy relationships are give and take. It's come to a point where I don't expect her to be there for me at all, actually I don't want her to be there for me because she always seems to make things worse.
So, I've had to come up with some compromises that make me feel like I have helped and does not make me feel worse for not helping. (I know you know what I'm talking about) In my mind, I know I've done my best in this difficult situation that is usually never a win-win.
What's worked for me is to do tangible things for her, nothing supportive or emotional. Things like run to the grocery store and drop off groceries, pick up medication, do the bills/mail, clean her dishes, make a pot of soup... But not all at the same time. Maybe a half an hour every other day. That is all I should be expected to do for her. If she is safe, taken care of, and doing ok.. that's enough. I'm not responsible for her happiness and contentment...so if the things I do don't make her happy, oh well it satisfies my need to know that I am doing all that I can.
But at the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and your health. Either way, please do not feel that it is your responsibility to see that all of her emotional needs are taken care of and that she is entertained 24/7. That's not your job.
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| NGA |
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Reply with quote | #5 |
Madalyn,
No you don't have any responsibility or duty to do anything.
Perhaps the simplest thing to do is not answer any calls from your mother.
Next if you are so inclined call your brothers and tell them, "I'm finished." PERIOD.
Lastly, if you want to, send a note to all the parties with what you wrote here as your explanation for bowing out.
Good luck. Let us know how you handled it and how it turned out.
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| treated like a kid |
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Reply with quote | #6 |
After reading Dustygirl, Spotchy and NGA said, I agree with them 100%.
You have to do what is best for you.
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| jeanine |
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Reply with quote | #7 |
Do what you must do - I tend to agree with NGA - you don't owe her anything at all - period!
"Expected to" take care of her - whoever expects that needs to do it themselves!
Their expectations are hogwash!
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| madalyn |
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Reply with quote | #8 |
Thank you each and everyone, When it seems theres no one to support me, I can count on you and I love you for it. I think what I have to do is the non-emotional things. I had been limiting contact and taking better care of "me" then this comes up...........
Its been a very bad day, meltdown with my hubby, he gets scared and runs....
I can drive her there, but I WILL NOT sit in the waiting area for hours. I have decided I will go out and shop, eat lunch, then go back..see how things are...go home. I will not sit waiting like a devoted daughter that is so worried. I will tell her this..that I have anxiety and cannot sit in the waiting areas. I've taken her many times..and never stay and wait. After shes home and settled my wondeful bros can take over!!!
I will not pretend I am a loyal daughter. I can be tough as nails when I have to, and this is the time to get that way
She is a true blue N, but so oblivious to it that its sad, sick really! I'm going to be strong, rock hard and get this over
my main goal will be my health and my wellbeing
thanks for supporting me, it means so much
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| Jane in MA |
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Reply with quote | #9 |
madalyn,
Is this a day surgery? Are you supposed to take her back to her home the same day after her surgery or will she stay in the hospital? Will she need to go to a rehab?
Many times people are sent to rehab for some 24/7 monitoring and some PT. Medicare usually will pay for it. Then after she is able to go home independently, that is what she should do.
If the doctors ask if she is going home with you to recuperate, tell them NO. She cannot come home with you. They will need to arrange her care, like VNAs or rehab.
JUST SAY NO!!! 
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| pq |
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Reply with quote | #10 |
Anyone remember the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" Sydney Poitier's character has a confrontation with his father, who's trying to make his son live according to his father's ideas, but Sidney has a brilliant comeback that is relevant to us here:
"You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles [the father was a mailman], you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules."
Tru dat!
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| Dustygirl01 |
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Reply with quote | #11 |
Wow...what a brilliant speech...I will try to get that movie...I would love to see that scene.
This also reminds me of what I've just read in the "Boundaries" book that has been discussed on here. I just got it from my library the other day. It discusses how parents area to provide for children...not the other way around.
The book states this:
"Children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children" (2 Cor. 12:14).
It goes on to say: Some people were born to take care of their parents. They did not sign up for this duty; they inherited it. Early in life they learned they were responsible for their parents. When they became adults, they had a difficult time setting boundaries. Every time they tried to have separate lives they felt selfish.
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| madalyn |
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Reply with quote | #12 |
jane, she'll be in the hospital 5 days. i dont know where she'll go after..not here!! i hope they arrange something. i think therapists came in after stepdad had his back surgery. if any of my brothers think i'm taking her in they got news coming. i would go mad!!
pg, i remember that from the movie...so true and the part about "and from that day you owed me everything that you could ever do for me" Id love to shout that at my mom!!!!!!!!
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| JH |
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Reply with quote | #13 |
Madelyn,
It is so wonderful that you started this conversation. I am in the same situation as you. How great that everyone here has been so supportive of your rights and needs. I am dealing with two aging parents who have always been extremely negative toward me and my siblings. People who have had wonderful relationships with their parents just don't understand what I feel everytime I have to "reward" them with care for the years of their lack of compassion and caring. Since I am the closest one who lives next to them, I am the point person depended on by everyone: nurses, social workers, doctors, home attendants, etc. My life is not my own. Siblings just pity me but give no assistance. I agree with Sydney Portier's role, my sons owe me nothing. To put demands on them as they have been placed on me by my parents would be extremely selfish of me. After all, we don't bring children into this world as an investment. Good luck to you, Madelyn and thank you for speaking up. I feel better knowing I'm not alone.
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| madalyn |
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Reply with quote | #14 |
You know what I'm going to dooo..I'm going to email her and ask that she have one of my brothers go with me that day. I'm telling her my nerves arent what they used to be and I am 56 now. Lets see what happens?? If I dont start standing up for "me" I'm going to get ill. I need a voice!
I send each of you (((((((((hugs))))))))) your stories are heartbreaking and its just not right. We deserve better, so much better. I've been like all of you a good daughter. I'm sick of being stuck out there alone. Oh she'll tell you she cares about my kids and grandgirls, but its always a big act. Never sees them, never makes any effort.
Wouldnt it have been great if we could have started a happy thread about a mom who is so loving and kind and thinks about her daughters feelings.
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| NGA |
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Reply with quote | #15 |
Madalyn,
Yes, won't it be great to be posting to a thread about our sainted mothers, who were wise, wonderful and welcoming.
Well, while it is fun to dream, it is better to take action. I am so proud of you and so glad that you are giving yourself a voice and speaking up for yourself.
You go girl!
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