| pq |
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Reply with quote | #1 |
I can't help but notice that there are many women on this board who somehow have become the primary caregiver of their father- or mother-in-law. Why? Shouldn't the parents' actual child or other family member be taking on the majority of the burden? For instance in the Mother-in-law madness thread, Rhonda is taking care of her mother-in-law and MIL's relatives feel free to judge her caregiving, although they are unwilling to help themselves. Huh? |
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| Janice |
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Reply with quote | #2 |
I think it is because many times either the DIL has not been subjected to some of the unlovable actions of her in laws while growing up like their own children have, or are just kinder, more caring individuals than their own children. I also think there are times that the DIL is more excepting of being a "doormat" than their kids. Perhaps there are many reasons. As for myself, I did it out of love for the people who were responsible for giving me a kind and loving husband. There were times they weren't lovable, but I did it for the times they were. I also did it for myself because I wanted no regrets to live with later. I'm glad I did.
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| cinderella |
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Reply with quote | #3 |
I though I would be the "one" to take care of my husbands mother. After being married for 34 years to my man, I have learned how MIL is uncaring, deceiving, narcistic, controlling, and all about her. After a few years of taking her to the Dr. appointments etc. and her basically telling the Drs. etc. they don't know what they are talking about and not following their advice, I am no longer in that role. I am not responsible for her decisions or her behavior. I basically told hubby and BIL that I would no longer take her to the Dr. appointments etc. Hubby is now taking her to the Dr. She is not my mother and it is not my role. Let them deal with her actions. |
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| pq |
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Reply with quote | #4 |
But again, Cinderella, why was it YOU to begin with and not your husband taking on the role of primary caregiver? That's the part I don't get but that seems rather prominent. |
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| SJ |
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Reply with quote | #5 |
I suspect I will end up caring for my in-laws when the time comes. Why? Because they had four sons, and care still seems to largely fall on the shoulders of women, even in this day and age. I myself have two sons and no daughters. They are very loving boys, but I just can't picture them ever changing my diapers. Who knows what will happen in my old age, but I intend to check myself into care when need be. |
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| billie jo |
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Reply with quote | #6 |
i'm not sure how the family dynamics work where the wife ends up caring for the mil. by process of elimination it was determined that we would be the ones who would care for my mil when the time came. my h has been a good h and his mom was extremely generous to us throughout our marriage, but very negative. thanks goodness she refuses to leave her town, doctors and all the nieces, nephews and friends she has from her 57 year life there. my h's relatives have always been vultures and althbe though she might get some help from them, she would be taken advantage of in biblical proportions and we would end up with her problems anyway.
well, back to the original question. if, by any chance we were to end up with her here, it just seems to be something in nature that dictates that women are the nurturers, that they know instinctively how to do it and what to do. if they do it for babies, they can do it for the elderly. the h might want to help but they rarely can do the bathing, the changing, the cleaning of messes. i don't know how they can dress a deer in the field but can't do the didees at home. also, parents are reluctant to let their child do these chores that can be humiliating. not right, but it seems to be the way of our culture. and no matter how hard women fought for liberation and equal rights, it really never quite reached those heights, the woman's job still is usually not considered as important as the man's. their entire identity often is wrapped up in their jobs. women are still expected to be able to juggle it all. these might not have answered your questions and they are only my observations and opinions. i hope someone else can shed some light on this question.
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| Bear :-) |
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Reply with quote | #7 |
While I do a lot of the running around for FIL, it is because Hubby is the main bread winner and I suspect that is also the case with others. We do approach things as a tag team. I do feel blessed that FIL is a very good patient. But that only happened when we took the negative influence away from him (got a restraining order against BIL), and keep his world on an even keel. I wish all caretakers could have a patient like him, yeah he does have problems physically, but it is sad to say we can get him to do anything if we give him a candy bar, Ice cream etc. I wouldn't change my roll for the world other then if we could take this dreaded disease away.
Bear :-)
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| Lil |
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Reply with quote | #8 |
I agree with billie jo. I think women are naturally more nurturing and thus wind up being the caregiver. I think a lot of men want to help, but just don't have the basic instinct that women do. Like BJ said, women are the mothers and that is just the way we were made. So, it naturally when it comes to care giving (aka mothering) we are it!
I took care of my dying MIL, and it was the wives of my husband's brothers that took turns caring for her in her last days. Her 4 daughters had other things to do. So, that being the way it was--I volunteered myself. To this day I am glad I did that. And, I'd do it again.
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| Saturngoddess |
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Reply with quote | #9 |
I'm gonna be straight out honest here - Sometimes the DIL gets sucked into it. For those of you that took care of your MIL or do it right now and still love them - I really envy you. I wish I could say the same.
My SIL lives on the East Coast - no husband or kids - just herself. She owns a 2 story townhouse which she says cannot accommodate her mother. She refuses to move out here because 1. I scare her (right - like I'd let my SIL scare me away from taking care of MY mother) and 2. Because if she moved in, she'd feel like we weren't all a "family", meaning she wants us to spend ALL our time together. NOT. I'm married. To her brother.
I think some DIL's get into this not knowing what they are doing - and then regret it later on. My husband is a wonderful man and deals with her as much as he can. I however, hate this life, want out so bad, and am frustrated because I feel like I am not in control of MY Life. My things. Anything that belongs to me that is in this house.
Sorry to be such a downer - I just hate this - 6.5 years of this has made me a person that I don't recognize anymore -and I should have been aware of it from the beginning. |
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| PhoenixGirl |
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Reply with quote | #10 |
I think the overwhelming majority of men just do not have the instincts or desire to provide hands-on caregiving. Younger generations are being socialized into being more hands-on with their own babies and kids, but I think over their lifespan, as their own children grow up, they drift back toward not really being suited to this role. I think having a lot of testosterone and a lack of estrogen plays a role. I've read some accounts of people who've had sex change operations. And what they all describe is that when they start taking the hormones of the gender they are becoming, they begin to experience changes in their feelings, ways of perceiving the world, and ways of relating toward others.
Just my opinion. |
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| sierraseven |
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Reply with quote | #11 |
"6.5 years of this has made me a person that I don't recognize anymore"
Oh, god, that line just went through me like an iron spike. I look back at my former life, and I don't know where that woman went. And what's really scary is that I start to wonder if I could ever be that woman again, even after my Dad is gone. I feel like the proverbial "best years of my life" just evaporated, with no warning. |
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